"You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings

[Softly Spoken]

I have been following the snowflake thread, and I also read the notalwaysright websites, and I have noticed a pattern - apparently we of eHell are not the only ones who complain about rudeness. The only ones who are more vigilant than us are the people who are so quick to recognize 'rudeness' because they veritably live it!

To these people, "You are being rude" actually translates to "You are not doing what I say / Giving me what I want / Meeting my expectations / Kowtowing to my whims, etc."

I would like to hear about your most "Bizzaro" experiences, in which you found yourself wondering if it was Opposite Day, or thinking you must have fallen into a different dimension because you were accused of being rude when you were not. Was it a cultural or generational misunderstanding, or a matter of meeting a very Special Snowflake? Were you ever vindicated or is this the first time you've had a chance to vent about the injustice you have suffered?

I think I felt like this often as a child when I was forced to go through the motions and "perform" for strangers, but when I was shy I was told "don't be rude."

The only instance I can think of from my adulthood is when my father took offense that I did not want his new GF (who at the time he claimed was "just a friend" and as of last year is now his wife), who I had not even met at this point, at my 30th birthday party. Apparently there was a section in the new etiquette book that states "Even though it is your birthday (and a milestone one at that) and the celebration has traditionally been restricted to family and very close friends, you must accept the last minute addition of a veritable stranger (who you should have been introduced to way before now) and pretend that you are not uncomfortable meeting them for the first time in a very intimate setting." Yeah, I was the rude one.

So what about you guys? What horrors have you experienced, and what horrors have you been accused of, in the name of (perverted or outdated) "etiquette"? Also, to keep us from wallowing in too much vitrol, I would also be interested in hearing the times when you thought you were being polite and because of an innocent misunderstanding you were not seen as such. For example I recently read that while in one culture it is polite to clean your plate, in another culture you must always leave a bite of food on your plate or else you are insulting your hosts by suggesting they did not give you enough. What faux pas can you only excuse with "I didn't know"?

[Piratelvr1121]

Years ago I worked in an adult day care with 3 other women who had very entitled attitudes and the fact that they were of a different race than myself meant they often played the race card with me and accused me of being racist because "All you people are racist against ours because your people had slaves!!!"

I pointed out that my people were poor Irish potato farmers who could barely afford to feed themselves let alone buy and keep up slaves, which is why they came to America...after slavery was abolished.  (found out later that was just one branch of the family.  My paternal grandmother's mother and uncle came over before the civil war and he fought for the union...didn't have slaves either, but that's not the point)

Anyway, for the longest time these girls would pick on me and pester me and not having much of a backbone, I'd try to do nice things hoping killing them with kindness would get them to leave me alone.  This included giving them rides to the train station, as I was the only one with a car.  It didn't help and finally I got fed up and told them "Nope. Not getting a ride today or ever again."

I was rather proud of myself for standing up to them but when I made the mistake of talking about it with my parents I was told I was "Rude and should turn the other cheek because being nice might change their minds if you do it long enough." 

[Erich L-ster]

Most of the time I've encountered this was at work when a customer wanted me to do things that amounted to them getting a service for free (which was definitely against the rules).

I would tell them as nicely as possible, "I can't do X because we charge for that service. If you want me to do X, it would cost $X." Of course I was mean and rude for not giving away service for free.

[Joeschmo]

I try to live by the concept that if someone wrongs me today my hurt feelings are their fault hut if it still bothers me a year later its my fault so I don't have any stories to add other than I quit holding onto perceived injustices.

[CrochetFanatic]

I had a customer get angry with me and accuse me of being rude because I wouldn't let him take some free bananas.  I was taking the ones that were bruised and beginning to turn brown, counting them, writing them off on a clipboard and throwing them away to make room for the fresh shipment.  Personally, I wouldn't have cared.  They were bad, we couldn't sell them.  But if he got free bananas, he wouldn't be buying the stock and the store would lose money.  I wasn't losing my job over a lousy banana...

[nuit93]

I was frequently labeled rude and disrespectful by my stepfather for not finding his racist jokes funny or for (hidden for descriptions of abuse)not becoming anorexic 'like all the other teenage girls' because I was a teensy bit overweight and dared to eat my share of food.

He later would complain that I didn't appreciate enough that he wasn't one of those stepfathers who r@ped their stepchildren.  Because the other abuse apparently didn't mess me up enough...

[Hawkwatcher]

Salespeople have told me that I a rude because I have said "no thank you" to them.

[Thipu1]

I haven't encountered much personally but the library where I worked got it all the time.

We were a high level research library with closed stacks. Although we would take drop-ins, appointments for anything more than quick reference were strongly encouraged.  Readers had to leave a picture ID at the front desk and also check everything but pencils and notebooks before going into the reading room. 

Of course, all this was extremely rude.  We were also told that we weren't open on weekends or evenings , 'out of spite'. 

[kherbert05]

I was racist and rude for


1. Not nominating a student for G&T - Except I had nominated her. she didn't want to be in the G&T group away from her friends so she kept intercepting and destroying the paper work. (We sent it certified mail - the carrier let a 10 yo sign for the paper work).


2. Not allowing a student to use ebonics in class. According to this mom ebonics included cursing out teachers.

[Jocelyn]

I was frequently labeled rude and disrespectful by my stepfather 

So your stepfather wanted to be praised for adhering to the minimal standards one has to adhere to, to aspire to be a decent, law-abiding human being?
That he could even think that thought, much less voice it! I hope you are taking steps to protect yourself and any children you might have.

[Outdoor Girl]

I had a customer get angry with me and accuse me of being rude because I wouldn't let him take some free bananas.  I was taking the ones that were bruised and beginning to turn brown, counting them, writing them off on a clipboard and throwing them away to make room for the fresh shipment.  Personally, I wouldn't have cared.  They were bad, we couldn't sell them.  But if he got free bananas, he wouldn't be buying the stock and the store would lose money.  I wasn't losing my job over a lousy banana...

See, I would pay 1/2 price for those bananas.  Because those are the best ones to use for banana bread.  Your store wasn't very smart - I can never find bananas on the reduced rack because they get snapped up so quickly.

My story:  I was in the middle of selling my house because I was moving to a city 1.5 hours away.  I had several people interested word of mouth so I was doing the sale myself, if I could, before calling an agent.  I had plans with a friend later in the day but was showing the house to the eventual buyer in the morning.  Friend called while I was showing the house.  In retrospect, I shouldn't have answered the phone but I did.  I let her know what I was doing and that I'd call her back as soon as they left.

The people finally left and I called her back.  And called her back... And called her back...  She never answered the phone.  When she finally deigned to answer the phone she chewed me out for hanging up on her and called me rude.  What?!?!?

Needless to say, she is now an ex-friend because of this and many other instances.

[Acadianna]

I was in the grocery a couple months ago.  Two women, one older and one younger, were shopping together, and their basket blocked the part of the shelves I needed to reach.  I was in no hurry at all, so I waited patiently and quietly about ten feet away (big aisle).  I promise, no frowning, no sighing, no eye-rolling -- EHell is a very good influence!

When they finally moved their basket back a bit.  I ducked into the space and got the one item I'd been waiting to reach.  This took (literally) all of about 3 seconds.  The older woman glared at me and said, "If you'd just waited, you could have gotten there."  The younger woman smiled at me rather sheepishly.

I said nothing to them (again, that good EHell influence), but I wanted to reply, "M'am, I did wait!"

[siamesecat2965]

I posted about this in the SS thread, but I had a customer tell me I was being soooo rude to her simply because she needed information I did not have access to (tracking number for something being sent from my store).  And I dont think she liked the fact I had to take her info, have the manager get the info and call her back.  and I had the unmitigated gall to politely let her know that as we were very busy, it may not be tonight hat we get back to her, but definitely first thing in the am.  I got the feeling she is not told no very often, and the fact I couldn't tell her what she wanted right that very instant made me rude. For the record, I was nothning but polite and professional.   She was the rude one.

[Reika]

The only people I can remember offhand calling me rude are the customers calling my company and not getting their way. It's usually because they couldn't be bothered to read their policies with us to see what was actually covered.

[mbbored]

I posted this a few years ago, but I feel it belongs in this thread. I was invited to a dinner party in honor of a long distance friend coming back to town. After I RSVP'd the hostess called me back to say my assigned dish was dessert and she liked chocolate! Because I wanted to see our mutual friend, I swung by the grocery store to pick up ingredients where instead I found their super yummy brownies were on special so I just bought a pan of those instead.

After the party, she called me up to scold me about bringing brownies which are not a "dinner dessert" and to tell me I was a cheapskate to bring a on-sale store bought contribution.

Uh yeah, those who do a bait and switch get pot luck and it's definitely not polite to criticize somebody's contributions that you DEMANDED they bring to your party.

Also, she put bananas in the salad and sliced them on top of my brownies and I hate bananas.