"You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings

[JeseC]

My mother is the queen of these.  A particular subtype especially - "you're being selfish."  This is, of course, said whenever she doesn't get what she wants.

For example, my mother has absolutely no concept of personal space existing within the family.  This is coupled with an incessant need to fix *everything* about her family's looks.  Especially anything at all about skin - she has a borderline OCD obsession with removing any sort of pimple, ingrown hair, or any other skin blemish.

Naturally, this led to an altercation.  I eventually indicated that I was highly uncomfortable with her behavior, and asked that she ask or otherwise seek permission before touching me.  Her response?  "I can't believe you're being so selfish.  Not everything is about what YOU want."  Um, so I'm being selfish for insisting that their are limits on who gets to put their hands on MY body?

[Beyond The Veil]

-- the man at the gym who came in and used the circuit machines and refused to move for everyone using the circuit properly.  We were rude and needed to get lives so what he did would not be such a big deal to us.

-- the woman talking on her cell phone and staring into oblivion near the vending machines.  When I put my money in and was walking away before she even moved, she called me a rude b$%^ for cutting in front of her.

-- the elderly lady who rushed in front of me to the pharmacist and then proceeded to ask a billion questions and slowly conduct her business.  She muttered about rude young people who were in too much of a hurry.  I had not said a word.

-- my ex-friend who yelled at a cruise ship worker because my ex-friend didn't like the signage on the map.  The cruise ship worker was rude for not taking the ex-friend by the hand and walking her to her destination.

-- the person at the snow crab leg buffet who stood digging into the bottom of the pan for the "hottest" crab legs while everyone waited.  SHE said only rude people cannot wait their turn.  SHE deserved the best crab legs.  I guess we were all chopped liver.

Slight highjack because this reminded me of an incident that happened several years ago.
My DH and I were at a buffet restaurant, and there was a couple at an table close to ours who were camping the crab legs.  They would hop up and run to the buffet as soon as the crab legs were put out and take ever single piece.  They kept making comments along the lines of "We're paying X amount for the buffet; we deserve all we can eat."  Um, everyone in the restaurant is paying X amount.  It's a buffet.
I'm not sure how many of you know that there is a fine line between enough crab and too much crab.  The female member of the party discovered that.   I didn't giggle in the restaurant, but I sure did after we left.  She got her money's worth.

This post is making me snicker because of similar experience of my own from a few years ago that I posted about. End off-topic! 

[Elfmama]

I'm honestly not sure about the link between "low status" dogs and jumping, but I will agree with the assertion that well-trained dogs are safer for everybody.  Let's take my dog, for example.  He's huge and very friendly, unless he thinks you're a threat to my kids (but that's another story).

Situation A: 135lb dog comes bounding up to you, trying to jump on you to get attention.

Situation B:  135lb dog sitting down, with a little bit excited tail-wagging and butt-wiggling, looking at his owner.  Owner looks at you and asks if the dog can approach for ear scritches.  If you say yes, dog walks gently over to you, sits down at your feet and looks up.

Obviously situation B is best for everybody.  Dominance or not, the calm, well-behaved and well-trained dog is safest for everybody in the area.


ETA:  Since I'm an owner of a "giant" breed that's known for being very protective, I take training very seriously.  Brazilian Mastiffs are actually banned as dangerous dogs in some countries, and need special licences in others, so I take my responsibility very, very seriously and have gone well beyond basic obedience in his training.  Yet I still have people claim that I'm rude when it comes to his public interactions and keeping him from just being able to go up and greet people without permission.

That is an extremely reasonable and responsible thing to do, IMHO.  No dog should be allowed indiscriminate jumping on people, whether he weighs 135 pounds or 3 pounds. 

[Elfmama]

the mother doubled back to yell at the lady for being "rude" and "intolerant" because he was "just a little boy, and doesn't know any better!".

Would it be retaliatory rudeness to tell the mother "Then teach him better!"?

[Elfmama]

You could always try 867-5309 (tell him your name is Jenny).  Or 1-800-Eat-xxxx. 

Please don't.  I've been on the end of receiving calls where some woman has pulled a number out of thin air to give to a persistent drunk.  It wasn't pretty, and ended with my buddy Steve saying "Lulu's in her room with a john.  Can she call you back in 15 minutes?"

[Elfmama]

This morning, when I was in line to pay for a cup of coffee and an apple fritter, another customer tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention.  I went, "Huh?" and turned to look, and the guy standing behind me gave a really exaggerated grin and pointed to the corners of his mouth.  My expression probably looked something like this:  .  He clarified, still grinning, "Smile!"  I said, "No," and turned to face forward again.  He called me rude.  I think he was rude twice; first in touching me when it wasn't necessary, then in telling me to smile when I was minding my own business and trying to wake up the rest of the way.

Anyone who taps me on the shoulder is going to get a scream, not a smile.  And will be lucky not to get a knee to the goolies.  Certain points on the body are EXTREMELY sensitive for a fibromyalgic; shoulders are one of them.  Even a very light touch is painful.

[Piratelvr1121]

If anyone were to poke me in the side and then complain when I jumped, they'd be getting a growl.  I'm extremely ticklish. and everywhere.  A couple years ago my friend was helping me to see if a shirt would fit around me when I was pregnant.  She had long nails and unintentionally but ever so lightly brushed my sides with her nails and I jumped and giggled, that's how ticklish I am. 

[Elfmama]

My MIL threw at least one hissy fit per visit was about how rude I was. One of the worst was not laughing at her favorite TV comedy.

Because it's rude to the performers?   

Because it was criticizing MIL.  If I didn't laugh, it must mean that I think it's lowbrow humor that only cretins would enjoy.  None of which I ever SAID, mind you.  I was just sitting there minding my own business  and reading.   

[PastryGoddess]

If anyone were to poke me in the side and then complain when I jumped, they'd be getting a growl.  I'm extremely ticklish. and everywhere.  A couple years ago my friend was helping me to see if a shirt would fit around me when I was pregnant.  She had long nails and unintentionally but ever so lightly brushed my sides with her nails and I jumped and giggled, that's how ticklish I am. 

This is me.  I love and hate getting pedicures because I'm so ticklish.  New massage therapists are torture for me

[dawnfire]

This morning, when I was in line to pay for a cup of coffee and an apple fritter, another customer tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention.  I went, "Huh?" and turned to look, and the guy standing behind me gave a really exaggerated grin and pointed to the corners of his mouth.  My expression probably looked something like this:  .  He clarified, still grinning, "Smile!"  I said, "No," and turned to face forward again.  He called me rude.  I think he was rude twice; first in touching me when it wasn't necessary, then in telling me to smile when I was minding my own business and trying to wake up the rest of the way.

Anyone who taps me on the shoulder is going to get a scream, not a smile.  And will be lucky not to get a knee to the goolies.  Certain points on the body are EXTREMELY sensitive for a fibromyalgic; shoulders are one of them.  Even a very light touch is painful.

here's the thing that gets me. If the person is behind you , how can they tell if you're smiling or not?  besides I need my coffee before i'm even human , let alone happy.

[weeblewobble]

This morning, when I was in line to pay for a cup of coffee and an apple fritter, another customer tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention.  I went, "Huh?" and turned to look, and the guy standing behind me gave a really exaggerated grin and pointed to the corners of his mouth.  My expression probably looked something like this:  .  He clarified, still grinning, "Smile!"  I said, "No," and turned to face forward again.  He called me rude.  I think he was rude twice; first in touching me when it wasn't necessary, then in telling me to smile when I was minding my own business and trying to wake up the rest of the way.

Anyone who taps me on the shoulder is going to get a scream, not a smile.  And will be lucky not to get a knee to the goolies.  Certain points on the body are EXTREMELY sensitive for a fibromyalgic; shoulders are one of them.  Even a very light touch is painful.

I am sorry about your discomfort.  However, "goolies" is an expression I've never heard before.  And it really made me laugh.  I plan on using in the future.

[pwy a wyr]

P.S. While I am proud of DD for defending her brother and her person, I am a little worried about her going from zero to Chuck Norris so easily.  However, I don't want to tell her she was wrong for reacting that way when someone put his hands on her like that.  So we're going to run the scenario past her karate instructor and ask him if there was a better way to handle it.

May I applause you for training your daughter how to go "Chuck Norris" safely and appropriately. I wish I could.

[Snowy Owl]

P.S. While I am proud of DD for defending her brother and her person, I am a little worried about her going from zero to Chuck Norris so easily.  However, I don't want to tell her she was wrong for reacting that way when someone put his hands on her like that.  So we're going to run the scenario past her karate instructor and ask him if there was a better way to handle it.

May I applause you for training your daughter how to go "Chuck Norris" safely and appropriately. I wish I could.

Add me to those who think this was an entirely appropriate reaction to someone touching her in an inappropriate and unwelcome way.  She didn't beat seven bells out of him (which would be overkill), she simply stopped him and protected her brother, using the assertiveness and skills she'd learnt in karate.  Sounds like a fantastic kid to me 

[Venus193]

Congrats to your daughter for this.  Here's hoping that other family was banned from the place.

[Kimberami]

If the karate instructor suggests that she in anyway over-reacted, find a new instructor.

Your daughter's response was 100% absolutely correct and accurate.  That boy touched her in a place that was beyond inappropriate , combined with the fact that the boy also seriously injured your son - honestly, if those had been my children, I wouldn't have been looking for a staff member, I'd have been looking for a police officer.  I'm so angry right now, I'm shaking.  Good for your daughter, she did exactly as she should have and you should be proud of her instead of worrying if she over-reacted.

POD
Touch me, and you will be punished.  Don't like it?  Then you can keep your hands to yourself.