"You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings

[rachellenore]

This is small stuff compared to the other items so far in this thread, but we all encounter the idiots who sort-of hold the door open for you when you're entering and they're leaving (or whatever) and before you even have time to say a gracious "Thank you" they're saying a sarcastic "You're welcome."

Gosh, I'm glad I've never had that happen to me.

Maybe it's too off-topic, but I had an actually nice story like that. I work at a retail store and was leaving after my shift ended and was carrying a bunch of stuff in my hands and would have had to back into the door to open it. There was a family leaving but they were rather far ahead of me so I started to turn around when their young son came back and held the door open for me with a smile on his face. His little sister even yelled "Come on!" but I said "Thank you!" and he said "You're welcome!" and ran to catch up with them. Made my day.

[Octavia]

My birth unit (doesn't deserve to be called a mother) used to hold me back at family events so I would be the last person to get food. With buffet-style service being the norm, by the time I would get in line the best dishes had been picked over. Her explanation was that the guest of honor always goes first, and of course the older people always go before the younger people. Fine, I accepted that. I was very excited when my uncle hosted my high school graduation party for me, and I realized that I would be first through the line. My birth unit dug her fingernails into my arm and said "not so fast, it's rude for the host to go first, you know." She made me sit in a chair watching the buffet line while everyone else helped themselves. The beautiful fruit trifle that I desperately wanted to try disappeared in front of my eyes, along with piece after piece of the graduation cake that I had designed. Seems as though these bullies make up the rules as they go along. The joke was on her though. My new family (college friends) and I threw our own graduation party for college graduation, and I finally got cake and everything else!

[Adelaide]

-I ended up giving the Cut Direct to a guy I've talked about on here before. He was a pathological liar and a narcissist (and I suspect actually diagnosed, as he had talked about his parents making him go to therapy before) and I told my parents that I wasn't going to talk to him anymore. They and my brother said I should still be "nice" to him and that it would be rude not to attend a gathering of mutual friends just because this guy wasn't going to be there. In order for them to see things my way, I had to list off: the fact that he said "Adelaide, your parents love me. They think I'm awesome", and the fact that he started snickering when I told him our dog died. At the last one my brother wanted to fight him, but I managed to talk him down.

-My ex-friend from high school was and is dating a guy who has been rude to my face before. I have told her several times that I didn't want to ever see him and couldn't stand him, but if she could then that was fine as long as I didn't have to deal with him. One day she drove down from her college (a few hours away from my house) and pulled into my driveway unannounced with this guy in tow. I wasn't there, thankfully. She stood in the driveway with her horrible boyfriend for about 30 minutes  talking to my parents and then called me "rude" because I didn't want to see him.

-ETA: The same ex friend had a habit of commenting on what I was wearing whenever we went somewhere. For instance, a group of teenagers would go to a decent restaurant and afterward would walk around town. For an outing like this, I'd wear a sundress, heels, and some makeup. Nothing overdone, but not jeans and a t-shirt either. I was always relatively dress-code conscious and almost none of my friends (save one guy) were. Ex friend liked to comment on what I was wearing to the point of making people uncomfortable. I only see now that she was trying to make me feel rude for dressing appropriately for where we were going, while she was usually wearing something off-the-wall that was far too casual.

-I have told my parents that I am studying something of a sensitive/polarizing topic in addition to law school and I do not want anyone from back home to know what it is for various reasons. I have told my parents what to tell people when they ask. We have been over it. One day I came home and my mother casually said "Oh yes, Mrs. Smith wanted to know what you were studying and where you wanted to work, so I told her [exactly what I'm doing]." I asked her why she would do that when we had been OVER what she should say, and my mother snapped back that she had forgotten and it would have been rude not to tell Mrs. Smith something. She continued by saying "I'm not going to lie for you" and insisted that it would be "rude" to lie or fudge the truth to random people who wanted to know. I now tell her that my dream in life is to study international law and work for Coca-Cola.  (My brother, who's in the Marines, was literally speechless at this exchange.)

[Katana_Geldar]

This is small stuff compared to the other items so far in this thread, but we all encounter the idiots who sort-of hold the door open for you when you're entering and they're leaving (or whatever) and before you even have time to say a gracious "Thank you" they're saying a sarcastic "You're welcome."

My sisters are like that, and not just about doors. It's as if they have some arbitrary clock that times the appropriate time to say thank you and treated annoyed when I don't say it in time. How can I, they only gave me 15 seconds.

You only say those sort of things to a young child who is learning manners.

[Library Dragon]

In a previous position I was the youth services librarian.  The library had a strict no skateboard or roller skates in the library. We had a holding area for them.  One evening a boy of 10ish was popping out the heelies on his shoes and roller skating near the $$$$$$$ expensive security gates. I went over and explained that he wasn't allowed to roller skate in the library and the gates could easily fall on him if knocked into them.

I walked away and 2 min later he was doing it again.  I again explained that there was no roller skating in the library and pointed out the sign. 

I went to my desk and who should come whizzing by me?  Yes, the same boy. I put my hand up and said, 'Please stop now.  Why don't you wait for your mother at this table.' I could see her checking out their books.  Instead he ran over to her. 

OK. I help other patrons and work on other things.  The mother comes over and asks if I was the person who told her son not to roller skate.  Silly me, I expected an apology.  No, I was told that I needed to apologize to her son for hurting his feelings.  I reviewed the events (as mentioned elsewhere I am one of the world's easiest criers, so I'm trying to keep a very calm face). She starts screaming about my rudeness.  It was so bad that I have patrons coming over and interrupting to thank me for my help in an attempt to break the flow of her rant.  I calmly refuse to apologize as I had asked more than once not to roller skate.  She responds that I cannot do that because it won't hurt the carpet.

She finally leaves and I have patrons coming over and offering to write a statement about the woman's behavior. I thank them and take their names.  I write up the whole incident with patron's names as witnesses and give it to my director the next day.  The woman comes in and who is hauled in and expected to apologize?  Yes, me.  I gave one of those, gee I'm sorry you're mad statements that I hate.  But, I knew I would end up paying for it with the PA director who would do things to undermine me.

[Katana_Geldar]

What stupid woman! I'll bet if the kid did run into the gates and they fell on him she would sue the library.

No skating in the library does seem like common sense though. Would you sake at home, in your living room?

[Library Dragon]

POD Katana_Geldar!

What also threw me was when she asked where I went to church.  Since I belong to a denomination that is viewed by some as the seat of the Antichrist I was trying to keep the whole thing short. I had already had a woman who complained because we had a magic show during the summer program.

[Katana_Geldar]

POD Katana_Geldar!

What also threw me was when she asked where I went to church.  Since I belong to a denomination that is viewed by some as the seat of the Antichrist I was trying to keep the whole thing short. I had already had a woman who complained because we had a magic show during the summer program.

Next time someone asks that, tell them "I go in xxxtown." It's none of her business where you to to church.

[snappylt]

Years ago I was doing a paid internship as part of making a career change.  I was working at a non-profit organization that had many teenage clients.  I made a point of being very polite to our clients, addressing them as Mr. LastName or Ms. LastName, sir or madam, etc.  I did that partly because it's my nature to be polite and also because I had seen some other employees of the non-profit being downright rude and disrespectful to clients, and I wasn't about to treat teenagers that way.

Well, one day when I was taking a turn at the front desk there was a line of maybe 5 or 6 teenagers waiting to be helped.  One boy demanded that I do something for him that was against our rules.  I politely refused, explaining why I couldn't do what he wanted.  Well, he started in on me, claiming that was I saying no to him only because his ancestors were from a different part of the world than mine.

What surprised (and pleased) me was that the teenage girl standing in line behind him interrupted him at that point and told him to cut it out, that she'd been dealing with me for several months and that she knew from experience that I was fair to the kids.  Then the other kids in line started agreeing with her, and the boy at the front of the line backed down.

[Library Dragon]

I tried that, and it's true, but the director told her.    I ended up making a formal complaint against the director to the Board, not about me, but the manner in which she violated other staff member's religious rights (no you cannot demand that a member of church lalalala wear makeup and put it in her evaluation).

Fortunately it turned out that the complaining mother's best friend is a member of my HOW.

[MariaE]

-I have told my parents that I am studying something of a sensitive/polarizing topic in addition to law school and I do not want anyone from back home to know what it is for various reasons. I have told my parents what to tell people when they ask. We have been over it. One day I came home and my mother casually said "Oh yes, Mrs. Smith wanted to know what you were studying and where you wanted to work, so I told her [exactly what I'm doing]." I asked her why she would do that when we had been OVER what she should say, and my mother snapped back that she had forgotten and it would have been rude not to tell Mrs. Smith something. She continued by saying "I'm not going to lie for you" and insisted that it would be "rude" to lie or fudge the truth to random people who wanted to know. I now tell her that my dream in life is to study international law and work for Coca-Cola.  (My brother, who's in the Marines, was literally speechless at this exchange.)

I can kind of see her point in the bolded. I do think it's rude to lie.

However, being vague is not rude. Nor is saying, "You know, I'm not sure of the details, you should ask daughter."

Now, I don't know what you asked your parents to say, so perhaps it was some variation of exactly that, in which case your mum was waaaay off. But if you asked her to lie on your behalf, then I think you were rude to put her in that position.

[iridaceae]

I have been told on occasion that I am rude and "ruining the party " because I don't drink alcohol. I don't tell others not to, I don't explain at length why I don't (alcohol has a supremely nasty *to me* aftertaste,  that's why) ; I just grab a coke or a water and don't mention that I'm not drinking.

But no someone finds out and lectures me. Seriously.

[CrochetFanatic]

I have been told on occasion that I am rude and "ruining the party " because I don't drink alcohol. I don't tell others not to, I don't explain at length why I don't (alcohol has a supremely nasty *to me* aftertaste,  that's why) ; I just grab a coke or a water and don't mention that I'm not drinking.

But no someone finds out and lectures me. Seriously.

I think you'd only be rude in this situation if you had the Coke stashed in a pocket or something.  Whether you drink alcohol or not is your business in any case.

[Venus193]

-I have told my parents that I am studying something of a sensitive/polarizing topic in addition to law school and I do not want anyone from back home to know what it is for various reasons. I have told my parents what to tell people when they ask. We have been over it. One day I came home and my mother casually said "Oh yes, Mrs. Smith wanted to know what you were studying and where you wanted to work, so I told her [exactly what I'm doing]." I asked her why she would do that when we had been OVER what she should say, and my mother snapped back that she had forgotten and it would have been rude not to tell Mrs. Smith something. She continued by saying "I'm not going to lie for you" and insisted that it would be "rude" to lie or fudge the truth to random people who wanted to know. I now tell her that my dream in life is to study international law and work for Coca-Cola.  (My brother, who's in the Marines, was literally speechless at this exchange.)

I can kind of see her point in the bolded. I do think it's rude to lie.

However, being vague is not rude. Nor is saying, "You know, I'm not sure of the details, you should ask daughter."

Now, I don't know what you asked your parents to say, so perhaps it was some variation of exactly that, in which case your mum was waaaay off. But if you asked her to lie on your behalf, then I think you were rude to put her in that position.

I disagree in this particular case.

If Adelaide's reason for not wanting the truth revealed was to avoid flack -- whether directed at herself or her parents -- it was rude of her mother to go against her wishes.  How does that lie impact Mrs Smith other than avoid telling her something that was none of her business?

[MariaE]

-I have told my parents that I am studying something of a sensitive/polarizing topic in addition to law school and I do not want anyone from back home to know what it is for various reasons. I have told my parents what to tell people when they ask. We have been over it. One day I came home and my mother casually said "Oh yes, Mrs. Smith wanted to know what you were studying and where you wanted to work, so I told her [exactly what I'm doing]." I asked her why she would do that when we had been OVER what she should say, and my mother snapped back that she had forgotten and it would have been rude not to tell Mrs. Smith something. She continued by saying "I'm not going to lie for you" and insisted that it would be "rude" to lie or fudge the truth to random people who wanted to know. I now tell her that my dream in life is to study international law and work for Coca-Cola.  (My brother, who's in the Marines, was literally speechless at this exchange.)

I can kind of see her point in the bolded. I do think it's rude to lie.

However, being vague is not rude. Nor is saying, "You know, I'm not sure of the details, you should ask daughter."

Now, I don't know what you asked your parents to say, so perhaps it was some variation of exactly that, in which case your mum was waaaay off. But if you asked her to lie on your behalf, then I think you were rude to put her in that position.

I disagree in this particular case.

If Adelaide's reason for not wanting the truth revealed was to avoid flack -- whether directed at herself or her parents -- it was rude of her mother to go against her wishes.  How does that lie impact Mrs Smith other than avoid telling her something that was none of her business?

Adelaide would be rude to ask somebody to lie (if that is indeed what she did - I'm still not sure). She would not be rude to say "Please refer people to me if they ask me what I do."

If Adelaide did the latter, and her mother went ahead and told Mrs. Smith anyway, then I agree that she (the mother) was rude.


I'd compare it (in idea although not in severity) to parents wanting their kids to believe in Santa. If a kid comes up to me and asks "Is Santa real?" I'm not going to lie and say "Yes". I'm not going to be blunt and say "No" either though. I'll say something along the lines of "You should really ask your parents that."

If Adelaide asked her parents to say "Yes" - then I think she was rude, no matter what her parents ended up answering.
If she asked them to say "Ask Adelaide" and her parents then said "No", then I think her parents were rude.