Author Topic: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings  (Read 35484 times)

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snowflake

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #75 on: March 05, 2013, 04:35:49 PM »
I've heard the "You're so rude because you won't drink" before. 

I don't drink socially in front of people I need to respect me.  Because for me, there isn't really much of a margin between "having a drink" and passing out and/or dancing and singing on the table.  I've had people tell me I was rude when I didn't come up with a nice, easy reason why I wouldn't drink.  Well, it's sort of embarrassing! 

Or sometimes I will explain that I had better just have water and lemon and everyone will explain that they drink very responsibly and later say they felt judged.  Um, I didn't ask you to explain yourself.  No did I ever say the phrase, "You irresponsible lush, you!"

Daquiri40

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #76 on: March 05, 2013, 05:39:26 PM »
-- the man at the gym who came in and used the circuit machines and refused to move for everyone using the circuit properly.  We were rude and needed to get lives so what he did would not be such a big deal to us.

-- the woman talking on her cell phone and staring into oblivion near the vending machines.  When I put my money in and was walking away before she even moved, she called me a rude b$%^ for cutting in front of her.

-- the elderly lady who rushed in front of me to the pharmacist and then proceeded to ask a billion questions and slowly conduct her business.  She muttered about rude young people who were in too much of a hurry.  I had not said a word.

-- my ex-friend who yelled at a cruise ship worker because my ex-friend didn't like the signage on the map.  The cruise ship worker was rude for not taking the ex-friend by the hand and walking her to her destination.

-- the person at the snow crab leg buffet who stood digging into the bottom of the pan for the "hottest" crab legs while everyone waited.  SHE said only rude people cannot wait their turn.  SHE deserved the best crab legs.  I guess we were all chopped liver.


Wulfie

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #77 on: March 05, 2013, 06:23:32 PM »
I've heard the "You're so rude because you won't drink" before. 

I don't drink socially in front of people I need to respect me.  Because for me, there isn't really much of a margin between "having a drink" and passing out and/or dancing and singing on the table.  I've had people tell me I was rude when I didn't come up with a nice, easy reason why I wouldn't drink.  Well, it's sort of embarrassing! 

Or sometimes I will explain that I had better just have water and lemon and everyone will explain that they drink very responsibly and later say they felt judged.  Um, I didn't ask you to explain yourself.  No did I ever say the phrase, "You irresponsible lush, you!"

If it is any help, even telling people that you are allergic doesn't work. You just get them saying "well, that reaction was when you were a kid, maybe you grew out of it" Sorry, mom and dad having to do CPR because I stopped breathing is not something I want to subject on myself or anyone else on a "maybe"

nyarlathotep

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #78 on: March 05, 2013, 07:10:36 PM »
Drunk dude groped me during a street party once. I told him to "eff off" (not my finest hour). Dad told me off because it "wasn't a nice thing to say".

EXCUSE ME?

(Disclaimer: In all other aspects my dad is awesome, he's just a bit clueless when it comes to anything in the remit of feminism)

Asharah

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #79 on: March 05, 2013, 07:43:11 PM »
Drunk dude groped me during a street party once. I told him to "eff off" (not my finest hour). Dad told me off because it "wasn't a nice thing to say".

EXCUSE ME?

(Disclaimer: In all other aspects my dad is awesome, he's just a bit clueless when it comes to anything in the remit of feminism)
You were okay. I would say that drunken dude would probably have not comprehended a more polite attempt to discourage him. This also applies to the bride's drunken Uncle George trying to grab your behind at the wedding reception.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2013, 07:44:57 PM by Asharah »
Asharah

weeblewobble

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #80 on: March 05, 2013, 09:45:17 PM »
My birth unit (doesn't deserve to be called a mother) used to hold me back at family events so I would be the last person to get food. With buffet-style service being the norm, by the time I would get in line the best dishes had been picked over. Her explanation was that the guest of honor always goes first, and of course the older people always go before the younger people. Fine, I accepted that. I was very excited when my uncle hosted my high school graduation party for me, and I realized that I would be first through the line. My birth unit dug her fingernails into my arm and said "not so fast, it's rude for the host to go first, you know." She made me sit in a chair watching the buffet line while everyone else helped themselves. The beautiful fruit trifle that I desperately wanted to try disappeared in front of my eyes, along with piece after piece of the graduation cake that I had designed. Seems as though these bullies make up the rules as they go along. The joke was on her though. My new family (college friends) and I threw our own graduation party for college graduation, and I finally got cake and everything else!

Absolutely.  Particularly bullying parents.  They keeping moving the goal - the goal being the kind of approval and love the child dreams of getting from their parents - around so just when the child thinks they're getting close WHAM! suddenly the target moves. They couldn't let the child REACH the goal, afterall.  That would be spoiling the child.  And it's not THEIR fault that the child never reached the goal!  Clearly, the child wasn't trying hard enough!

It's like Cinderella.  The stepmother tells her, "Oh sure, you can go to the ball.... after you complete this eighty-three foot long list of chores I've concocted.  Oh, you didn't complete the list of chores?  Oh, you lazy girl.  Well, it's not my fault you didn't try hard enough.  Afterall, I was generous to allow you to attend the ball!"

It's rough with bio-birth units, as you put it, because those people are supposed to be the ones who offer endless, unconditional love.  And for them to withhold that, is just cruel and insidious and says so much more about what is wrong with THEM and not what is wrong with the child.
Well, for the record, when we have a family event where the food is set up as a buffet, the parents usually feed the small children first, just so we can have them sitting and eating instead of running around. After that it's first come, first serve. Although my family knows better than to take all of everything on the first round, before everyone gets through the line.
Octavia, your birth unit was several things I can't repeat on this board, and I sincerely hope you don't have to share a buffet meal with her ever again. And your family sounds like a bunch of pigs with no consideration for those behind them in the line.

I wasn't talking about the buffet order in particular, just the constant rule changes.  I think "parents with small children first" for buffets actually works pretty well. 

CrochetFanatic

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #81 on: March 05, 2013, 10:14:43 PM »
In general, I agree.  It didn't seem to work so well the last time we went to a popular buffet in our area.  A little boy (with a very obvious cold, and couldn't stop touching his face) reached in and started grabbing handfuls of the buttered noodles with his hand instead of using the tongs.  The mother stopped him, but didn't inform the staff.  The older lady behind her told caught the eye of someone coming out with a pan of something, and told him (very politely, I thought) that someone (not calling anyone out specifically) had put their hands in the food.  As the server was taking the noodles away to replace them with a fresh pan, the mother doubled back to yell at the lady for being "rude" and "intolerant" because he was "just a little boy, and doesn't know any better!".  They lady seemed stunned, but stated calmly that all she had done was ask for a fresh pan of noodles, and hadn't called anyone out specifically.  The mother stormed back to her table, and the lady got back in line when the noodles came out, studiously ignoring the still-fuming mother's table.

The little boy wasn't all that little, maybe seven or so.  I don't know if he had developmental issues or not, but if he did it wasn't readily apparent.  Not my business.  I just kept my head down and helped myself to some chicken wings...  :-\

Library Dragon

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #82 on: March 05, 2013, 10:44:14 PM »
I've had the opposite side of the drinking issue.  My city "went wet" 7 years ago.  It is illegal to sell or buy alcohol in the rest of the county. 

We had a party and invited new neighbors.  The party went well in general.  We followed our usual practice of having some beer, wine, iced tea, some soft drinks, water, and a signature cocktail for the party (kir royale I believe).  (I dont drink coffee and am sensitive having attended a good variety of coffee only events.) 

The new neighbors came and after about 15 minutes left without eating or drinking.  Odd, but okay, maybe they had someplace to go.  The next day I saw the new people and thanked them for joining us.  I was told that I should have told them that there would be alcohol served and that it was "not nice to trick us." Trick them?  I have seen this couple eat in restaurants that serve alcohol.  I know some very strict non-drinkers who won't. 

I would never expect a non-drinker to serve me alcohol, but I didn't think I had to warn all my guests that people in my home would have alcohol in it. 

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nuit93

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #83 on: March 05, 2013, 10:59:55 PM »
I've had the opposite side of the drinking issue.  My city "went wet" 7 years ago.  It is illegal to sell or buy alcohol in the rest of the county. 

We had a party and invited new neighbors.  The party went well in general.  We followed our usual practice of having some beer, wine, iced tea, some soft drinks, water, and a signature cocktail for the party (kir royale I believe).  (I dont drink coffee and am sensitive having attended a good variety of coffee only events.) 

The new neighbors came and after about 15 minutes left without eating or drinking.  Odd, but okay, maybe they had someplace to go.  The next day I saw the new people and thanked them for joining us.  I was told that I should have told them that there would be alcohol served and that it was "not nice to trick us." Trick them?  I have seen this couple eat in restaurants that serve alcohol.  I know some very strict non-drinkers who won't. 

I would never expect a non-drinker to serve me alcohol, but I didn't think I had to warn all my guests that people in my home would have alcohol in it.

Recovering alcoholics, perhaps?

Library Dragon

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #84 on: March 06, 2013, 12:11:41 AM »
Perhaps.  You are much kinder than I.  I'll run it by my friends that are are in AA and get their take. 

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MerryCat

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #85 on: March 06, 2013, 12:17:53 AM »
Even if they were recovering alcoholics, you weren't "tricking" them. If they'd told you that they don't drink, you told them "Don't worry, it's a dry party" and THEN sprung the alcohol on them, they might have had a case. But I really can't imagine what they found so tricky about your actions.

squeakers

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #86 on: March 06, 2013, 01:26:00 AM »
I have never had someone give me guff for not drinking.  My in-laws do giggle they have never seen me drunk, though.

The last "big" party we were at I was the DD for hubby and me.  I sucked down a ton of water and the occasional pop.  While the rest of the guests got hammered. No one cared. Maybe because we are all over 30?

I can drink just about anyone under the table (I like whiskey). I just don't care to drink other than at home. Been that way since I was in my 20's. Something to do with having kids.  Can't drink when pregnant, can't drink when nursing, can't drink when you have little kids who might need attention in the middle of the night.  So when they got old enough to be coherent on a 911 call (joking) I went back to drinking when I wanted to (at home for the most part.. it's cheaper.) But that meant I missed out on 15 years of parties where drinking was part of the party.

Unless someone is holding someone down pouring a drink down their throat.. who cares what others think or do anyway?

The same goes for exercising, diet, house choices, family choices, sport team choices.  What one does individually as long as one keeps it to ones self is never rude.  Don't drink= not rude.  Proselytize for or against drinking = rude.  Don't eat puppies.. the same.

Having confidence in ones life choices = not really worrying about what others think.
"I feel sarcasm is the lowest form of wit." "It is so low, in fact, that Miss Manners feels sure you would not want to resort to it yourself, even in your own defense. We do not believe in retaliatory rudeness." Judith Martin

atirial

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #87 on: March 06, 2013, 04:45:37 AM »
Sometimes etiquette between generations can vary. When we were on holiday and I was a teenager there was a gentleman who was showing rather too much interest in me. I turned down all his offers politely, including the offer of a drink, but he turned up with a bottled drink he had purchased and tried to insist I took it. When I said no again, my mother cut in, accepted on my behalf and took me off to one side insisting I drank it to be polite. When I would not, she drank it herself and told him I'd drunk it because she - in her own words - 'did not want him to think I was rude'.

She could not understand why I was annoyed with her when he was being so 'nice'. Apparently in her view you should always accept a gift and it has no connotations. Meanwhile I had trouble with him for the rest of the holiday, because accepting a drink means something very different to the younger generation.

perpetua

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #88 on: March 06, 2013, 05:15:33 AM »
Sometimes etiquette between generations can vary. When we were on holiday and I was a teenager there was a gentleman who was showing rather too much interest in me. I turned down all his offers politely, including the offer of a drink, but he turned up with a bottled drink he had purchased and tried to insist I took it. When I said no again, my mother cut in, accepted on my behalf and took me off to one side insisting I drank it to be polite. When I would not, she drank it herself and told him I'd drunk it because she - in her own words - 'did not want him to think I was rude'.

She could not understand why I was annoyed with her when he was being so 'nice'. Apparently in her view you should always accept a gift and it has no connotations. Meanwhile I had trouble with him for the rest of the holiday, because accepting a drink means something very different to the younger generation.

Goodness. I'm not normally big on worst case scenario dramatising but it's lucky for your mother that it wasn't spiked. I wouldn't have taken it either.

Reika

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Re: "You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings
« Reply #89 on: March 06, 2013, 06:36:51 AM »
I've had the opposite side of the drinking issue.  My city "went wet" 7 years ago.  It is illegal to sell or buy alcohol in the rest of the county. 

We had a party and invited new neighbors.  The party went well in general.  We followed our usual practice of having some beer, wine, iced tea, some soft drinks, water, and a signature cocktail for the party (kir royale I believe).  (I dont drink coffee and am sensitive having attended a good variety of coffee only events.) 

The new neighbors came and after about 15 minutes left without eating or drinking.  Odd, but okay, maybe they had someplace to go.  The next day I saw the new people and thanked them for joining us.  I was told that I should have told them that there would be alcohol served and that it was "not nice to trick us." Trick them?  I have seen this couple eat in restaurants that serve alcohol.  I know some very strict non-drinkers who won't. 

I would never expect a non-drinker to serve me alcohol, but I didn't think I had to warn all my guests that people in my home would have alcohol in it.

Recovering alcoholics, perhaps?

My maternal grandfather was a recovering alcoholic and he never had a problem with someone serving alcohol at a party as long as they didn't force it on him.