"You're being rude" - Etiquette hypocrisy & misunderstandings

[iridaceae]

Maybe they were of a religion that forbids alcohol? Or else they were actually offended you didn't have enough booze and this was their lame excuse?

[Venus193]

Drunk dude groped me during a street party once. I told him to "eff off" (not my finest hour). Dad told me off because it "wasn't a nice thing to say".

EXCUSE ME?

(Disclaimer: In all other aspects my dad is awesome, he's just a bit clueless when it comes to anything in the remit of feminism)

Sometimes etiquette between generations can vary. When we were on holiday and I was a teenager there was a gentleman who was showing rather too much interest in me. I turned down all his offers politely, including the offer of a drink, but he turned up with a bottled drink he had purchased and tried to insist I took it. When I said no again, my mother cut in, accepted on my behalf and took me off to one side insisting I drank it to be polite. When I would not, she drank it herself and told him I'd drunk it because she - in her own words - 'did not want him to think I was rude'.

She could not understand why I was annoyed with her when he was being so 'nice'. Apparently in her view you should always accept a gift and it has no connotations. Meanwhile I had trouble with him for the rest of the holiday, because accepting a drink means something very different to the younger generation.

Egad.  I guess then my experience wasn't so unusual.

Some years ago I was the captain of my company's team at an event sponsored by a magazine we did a lot of business with.  It involved a scavenger hunt for which the magazine provided limousines for each team and uniforms so that we would be recognized by the people whom we needed to meet at each destination.  There was a pizza party at the parking lot first.  I got the bag with the T-shirts and baseball caps, drew the car number, and asked the driver to lock up the bag until my teammates got there.  Half an hour later they arrived and I asked the driver to please unlock the car so we could get the uniforms and change.  He said "Yeah; change into a nice sexy outfit."  It went downhill from there with four other examples of rudeness, including leering at my younger female teammate and addressing her in a disrespectful manner.  We did not tip him when we arrived at the finish line.

My sales rep told me to e-mail him about this the following morning.  In the ladies' room I overheard another team captain talking about similar issues she had with her driver.  I told her to talk to her rep or e-mail him/her about it.  End result was that the limousine company lost their contract with the magazine.

How did my mother react when I told her this story?  "So?  How is a guy going to get any?"  When I attempted to explain corporate rules about s3xual harassment, she acted like I knew nothing about working life.

That was when I stopped telling her anything about work.

[Thipu1]

Drinking is so ingrained in the US culture that *choosing* not to drink seems to be almost literally incomprehensible to a large chunk of the population.

I'm surprised to find so many experiences witheople  who think that choosing not to drink is 'rude'.  Some people are recovering alcoholics.  Some are allergic.  Others have a medical problem that won't allow alcohol (a cousin is one of these) and some just don't like the taste. 

Are people also considered 'rude' if they don't eat fish or onions? 

[MariaE]

Drinking is so ingrained in the US culture that *choosing* not to drink seems to be almost literally incomprehensible to a large chunk of the population.

I'm surprised to find so many experiences witheople  who think that choosing not to drink is 'rude'.  Some people are recovering alcoholics.  Some are allergic.  Others have a medical problem that won't allow alcohol (a cousin is one of these) and some just don't like the taste. 

Are people also considered 'rude' if they don't eat fish or onions?

No, because there's not the same kind of implied "judgement" in not eating fish or onions. (Note: I don't agree with this, it's just been my experience that people think I judge them when I refuse a drink.)
I'm pretty sure you'd find just as many people who've been told they were rude for being vegetarians though.

[Piratelvr1121]

I remember walking through a mall with my father and one of the pushy cart kiosk people started in on me. I said "No" but he didn't back off so I said "No" more firmly and put my hand up as we walked on.

My father said "You don't have to be rude about it!" when we were out of the guy's hearing range. 

[Venus193]

What were you supposed to do, let the guy waste both of your time?  What if you still didn't buy anything?  Would your father also have called that rude?

[shakes head]

[weeblewobble]

Sometimes etiquette between generations can vary. When we were on holiday and I was a teenager there was a gentleman who was showing rather too much interest in me. I turned down all his offers politely, including the offer of a drink, but he turned up with a bottled drink he had purchased and tried to insist I took it. When I said no again, my mother cut in, accepted on my behalf and took me off to one side insisting I drank it to be polite. When I would not, she drank it herself and told him I'd drunk it because she - in her own words - 'did not want him to think I was rude'.

She could not understand why I was annoyed with her when he was being so 'nice'. Apparently in her view you should always accept a gift and it has no connotations. Meanwhile I had trouble with him for the rest of the holiday, because accepting a drink means something very different to the younger generation.

Goodness. I'm not normally big on worst case scenario dramatising but it's lucky for your mother that it wasn't spiked. I wouldn't have taken it either.

I can't believe your mom did that.  Did you ever manage to get the man to back off or did he hound you until got back on the plane?

[atirial]

I can't believe your mom did that.  Did you ever manage to get the man to back off or did he hound you until got back on the plane?

Nope, even finding out I was underage (UK & US) did not deter him. It was a rather uncomfortable couple of days.

[Piratelvr1121]

What were you supposed to do, let the guy waste both of your time?  What if you still didn't buy anything?  Would your father also have called that rude?

[shakes head]

Beats me.  I think he didn't like the tone of my "No".  The guy didn't listen to me the first time but backed off the second time.

[snowflake]

Drinking is so ingrained in the US culture that *choosing* not to drink seems to be almost literally incomprehensible to a large chunk of the population.

I'm surprised to find so many experiences witheople  who think that choosing not to drink is 'rude'.  Some people are recovering alcoholics.  Some are allergic.  Others have a medical problem that won't allow alcohol (a cousin is one of these) and some just don't like the taste. 

Are people also considered 'rude' if they don't eat fish or onions?

No, because there's not the same kind of implied "judgement" in not eating fish or onions. (Note: I don't agree with this, it's just been my experience that people think I judge them when I refuse a drink.)
I'm pretty sure you'd find just as many people who've been told they were rude for being vegetarians though.

I think this is exactly it.  There are lots of people who think "I shouldn't" because of calories or because they know they'll get slightly annoying or whatever.  But they give in and drink anyway.  They look at people like myself  and assume that we are exercising a massive amount of self-control and must be judging them.  In truth, drinking isn't that important to me and I don't do it well so I just don't bother.  Sometimes I think I need to wear a sandwich board to work parties that says, "Really, I don't care what you are drinking.  Let's drop it."

Moving on...

In my younger days I was at a club listening to a friend's band play.  I was asked to dance by what seemed like a nice guy.  I wouldn't have minded chatting or getting to know him but he was obviously just looking for some quick action.  I made it clear that I wasn't interested in proceeding down that road and figured that was the end of that.  Later I went to the restroom and he came by and pretty much said he wanted my phone number to add to his little black book.  I told him plainly no.  I was blunt, but I didn't think I was mean in my tone or words.  He told me my etiquette was lacking.  And then some complete stranger turned to me and said, "The least you could do is give him your phone number."

Let me see, a perfect stranger keeps insisting that I oblige him with a roll in the hay. So you're saying that the least I could do is give him the means by which he can keep pestering me for that?  OK, call me rude, but it's not going to happen.

[nayberry]

*bg* if i hurt myself badly it takes a moment for me to be able to speak without swearing. 

i fell and really whacked my leg on the stairs at home recently,  as in missed a step on an up/down landing and *WHACKED* (10 weeks later, still have a bump!)

i was sat on the landing , slightly stunned and trying to not teach my self new swearwords, when my husband and mum came up to me. 
She asked what was wrong but i was biting my lip and still seeing stars whilst holding my leg. 
then she said "you need to get up if you landed on your bum"
i managed to reply "leg" in a grittedteeththishurtstohighhalos kind of way
she then flounced off saying i shouldn't be so rude and she'll never bother again, whilst i still sat there,  hubby helped me up and into our room then got me an icepack.


this is typical of her,  she also likes to prod and poke at me until she gets a reaction and then tell me to "calm down"........

 [insert un-ehell approved cursing here] 

I've been better recently at walking away without reacting but i wish she would stop blaming me for reacting to her digs.

[Katana_Geldar]

About that phone number, I remember when I was younger there was a number called the rejection line that you gave to poopadities up people you didn't want to see again.

[Shalamar]

You could always try 867-5309 (tell him your name is Jenny).  Or 1-800-Eat-xxxx. 

[nuit93]

About that phone number, I remember when I was younger there was a number called the rejection line that you gave to poopadities up people you didn't want to see again.

It might still be around.

[snappylt]

When I was early elementary age there was one boy in our neighborhood who used to try the old trick of sometimes insisting that it was polite that the guest should get to pick our activity (when we were at my house ) but that it was also polite that the host should pick our activity (when we were at his house).  There were plenty of other kids to play with in the neighborhood, so I didn't put up with that for long!