Author Topic: Not the back up plan  (Read 4293 times)

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AmethystAnne

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2013, 01:50:21 PM »
I heartily(!) POD blue2000. Short, sweet, and to the point.  ;D


CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #16 on: March 02, 2013, 01:50:39 PM »
Two trips (drop off, pick up) = 6 hours total driving time. If the parents are paid the minimum wage of $7.25 per hour, that's $43.50.
Cost of gas each trip = est. $60, for a total of $120, plus wear and tear on car.

At a minimum, the total cost to parents for aiding this adventure is over $160.  If I agreed to do it, I'd definitely expect something in return.  And I'd expect to be treated with respect, not like an embarrassing old fogey chauffeur.
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

kudeebee

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2013, 02:52:15 PM »
I would love to hear some words of encouragement to continue down the Path of No. And I woulds also love a rebuttals I can give her when she gets home and is upset with me for not agreeing to drive.

Well done! You're teaching your DD to understand you are a person in your own right. It's important for children to understand that their parents are not extensions of themselves, just as it is for parents to understand that children are not extensions of themselves.

Tell her that no one gets to spend another person's time or money for them.

I love the bolded statement above!  Add this to a pp's suggestion of reminding her of the original plan.

So, when this comes up again and it will:
Sit her down and talk with her.
Remind her of the original plan.
Tell her that what she is proposing will not work for you.  Remember do not JADE!
When the "you are ruining it for all" starts in, use the statement above.
Tell her to think about other options and you will be glad to discuss them, but again she should not plan on you coming to the rescue.

Good luck!

CakeEater

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #18 on: March 02, 2013, 04:11:34 PM »
I think your not wanting to do this favour is completeyl reasonable.

However, if you're going to use the, 'You're almost an adult, look how grown up you are etc' line that many are suggesting, I think you should be prepared to have that line come back to you in the next 6 months when your DD wants to do something else 'adult' that you don't want her to do at all.

Just something to think about.  :)

GSNW

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2013, 04:14:10 PM »
I guess my response would depend on the nature of the other parents bailing.  For example, lets say they had a medical crisis or something very emergency in nature, I might volunteer to step in.  But I do agree that you have evert right to say, "Sorry, I don't have time this weekend to make that drive.  Let me know if I can help you figure out if public transit is possible." 

In addition, you have to consider (and obviously are considering) that this is not the first time your DD has had the expectation that you will drop everything and save the day.  I am not a parent, but as a former teenager, you have my sympathy!  All I can offer in that realm is my personal experience of being an occasionally entitled pain in the butt from 14 until about 19.  I even apologized to my parents (sincerely) around age 21 when I became human again.

You are doing your DD a huge favor my making her self reliant.  Someday she will realize that :)

Deetee

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #20 on: March 02, 2013, 04:58:01 PM »
I don't have a 17 year old; I have a 4 year old. But I know that part of growing up is figuring out where the boundaries are and pushing and pushing and pushing. And the job of the adult is too keep the boundaries firm (and reasonable). So when my 4 year flails on the ground and weeps that it is "not fair" that the very cute table and chair delivered to our front porch is for her cousin, not for her, it is my job as a parent to explain once and refuse to entertain the ridiculousness of further protests. Ditto for the ride. It is your job to refuse the ride (but to explain once that a ride would be given for other events in other circumstances) and to ignore the storms of protest.

sweetonsno

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #21 on: March 02, 2013, 07:56:49 PM »
I agree with the PP who pointed out that a teen who can be trusted to attend a concert by herself can be trusted to travel to the concert by herself. Others mentioned public transportation. If you live in or near a major city, there might be a shuttle available, especially if this is a big concert. If she or her friend has a license, would they be able to drive? (If you let her borrow the car, make sure she understands that she needs to take care of all tolls, parking, and gas herself. It's up to her to decide how to recoup costs from the others in the party.) An added benefit of doing this is that it would show her quite clearly that playing chauffeur comes at a cost to you.


I think that to address the overall situation, you should simply try to prevent it. When your daughter asks for permission to do XYZ and says that Joanna's parents have agreed to drive, ask her what the backup plan is (especially if you know that Joanna's parents are unreliable). Say something like, "Sure, honey, that sounds great. I'm not going to be available to drive that day, so what's Plan B if the Bartons have something come up and aren't able to take you?"


As for her getting mad that you won't step in and save the day, chances are that she knows that it isn't your fault. She's annoyed that someone else flaked out and the plans seemed to fall apart, then suddenly has a ray of hope when she remembers Mom. Then she gets disappointed again when it turns out that you can't do it. (It's sort of like when you get dumped and you aren't just mourning the loss of the relationship but also the future you hoped you would have with the person. While the future obviously was not guaranteed, it still burns.) Just remind her, gently, that when you told her that she could go, you had let her know that you wouldn't be available to drive. Offer to help her look into other options (cabs, shuttles, busses, trains, etc.) or ask her if one of her other friends has parents or an older sibling who can drive.

For this situation, that's exactly what I would do. When she comes home and is mad, remind her that you agreed to let her go to the concert when she had arranged for transportation. Say that you would not have agreed to drive her in the first place. Then immediately shift gears from saying no to offering her the help that you are willing to provide. (Get her and her friend to/from the local bus station, lend her the car, research taxi companies, etc.) If she complains or calls you mean, ignore her and repeat the offer of help, whatever it may be.

Miss March

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #22 on: March 02, 2013, 07:59:50 PM »
Today is Saturday. Please tell me that you didn't suddenly get asked to drive them to a concert 90 minutes away that takes place TONIGHT. I would be very upset to have something like this dropped into my lap at the last moment.
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying good bye so hard.-- Winnie the Poo

*inviteseller

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #23 on: March 02, 2013, 08:13:25 PM »
Don't you just love how teenagers make plans?  The where and then when is worked out...but not the how (money, transportation).  And when you can't be their savior to make their schemes come true, then comes the drama (why yes, I have a 17 yr old DD, why do you ask?  ::) )  Just because she wants you to or needs you to drive them, doesn't make it automatically happen.  I would tell her to investigate public transportation or ride sharing. 

mmswm

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #24 on: March 02, 2013, 08:21:51 PM »
You're doing great!  I like some of the responses that others posted.  If it helps, you can share a conversation that I just had with my almost 14-year-old.

He dragged me to his computer because he wanted to purchase tickets to a pro basketball game.  He has enough money but he needs to transfer the money out of his savings account and into my checking to purchase the tickets online.  He wants to take himself and his friend who's 16, and the friend will pay him back.  That's fine by me.  He's a responsible, independent kid and his friend is the same.  Friend does not drive.  I asked him how he was planning on getting to the game.  He brought up another tab that had a map of the bus/train system.  He showed me the route he was planning on taking.  All is good there.  The problem is that the nearest bus stop from here is several miles away (we live in an out of the way area). I asked him how he was planning to get the the first bus stop.  His response was "back to the drawing board".  If he asks, I'll drive him that far, but he knows there's no way I'm going to drive him the hour or so to the arena, wait around downtown, then drive them back.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

JenJay

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #25 on: March 02, 2013, 08:26:12 PM »
I would be blunt.

"I did not plan to go to that concert. Your plans may have changed, but mine haven't."

It sounds like she needs to learn that you in fact are a person with plans. And she doesn't get to tell you to change your plans (even if it is just a date with the TV in your jammies) any more than you can tell her to skip the concert and drive you to the store for a new movie to watch.

Love it!

Zilla

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #26 on: March 02, 2013, 08:52:12 PM »
You're doing great!  I like some of the responses that others posted.  If it helps, you can share a conversation that I just had with my almost 14-year-old.

He dragged me to his computer because he wanted to purchase tickets to a pro basketball game.  He has enough money but he needs to transfer the money out of his savings account and into my checking to purchase the tickets online.  He wants to take himself and his friend who's 16, and the friend will pay him back.  That's fine by me.  He's a responsible, independent kid and his friend is the same.  Friend does not drive.  I asked him how he was planning on getting to the game.  He brought up another tab that had a map of the bus/train system.  He showed me the route he was planning on taking.  All is good there.  The problem is that the nearest bus stop from here is several miles away (we live in an out of the way area). I asked him how he was planning to get the the first bus stop.  His response was "back to the drawing board".  If he asks, I'll drive him that far, but he knows there's no way I'm going to drive him the hour or so to the arena, wait around downtown, then drive them back.

I wouldn't let my 13 year old go by themselves at night to a game using public transportation.  Entirely different scenario.

mmswm

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #27 on: March 02, 2013, 08:56:01 PM »
You're doing great!  I like some of the responses that others posted.  If it helps, you can share a conversation that I just had with my almost 14-year-old.

He dragged me to his computer because he wanted to purchase tickets to a pro basketball game.  He has enough money but he needs to transfer the money out of his savings account and into my checking to purchase the tickets online.  He wants to take himself and his friend who's 16, and the friend will pay him back.  That's fine by me.  He's a responsible, independent kid and his friend is the same.  Friend does not drive.  I asked him how he was planning on getting to the game.  He brought up another tab that had a map of the bus/train system.  He showed me the route he was planning on taking.  All is good there.  The problem is that the nearest bus stop from here is several miles away (we live in an out of the way area). I asked him how he was planning to get the the first bus stop.  His response was "back to the drawing board".  If he asks, I'll drive him that far, but he knows there's no way I'm going to drive him the hour or so to the arena, wait around downtown, then drive them back.

I wouldn't let my 13 year old go by themselves at night to a game using public transportation.  Entirely different scenario.

Not a night game, and not alone.  Plus the child has a ton of experience navigating public transportation by himself.

Edited to add that the other deciding factor is the friend he wants to go with.  Said friend is more trustworthy and responsible than most 20-year-olds and is 2.5 years old than my child.  If it were any other friend, the answer would likely be no.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2013, 08:58:14 PM by mmswm »
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Zilla

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #28 on: March 02, 2013, 09:03:33 PM »
You're doing great!  I like some of the responses that others posted.  If it helps, you can share a conversation that I just had with my almost 14-year-old.

He dragged me to his computer because he wanted to purchase tickets to a pro basketball game.  He has enough money but he needs to transfer the money out of his savings account and into my checking to purchase the tickets online.  He wants to take himself and his friend who's 16, and the friend will pay him back.  That's fine by me.  He's a responsible, independent kid and his friend is the same.  Friend does not drive.  I asked him how he was planning on getting to the game.  He brought up another tab that had a map of the bus/train system.  He showed me the route he was planning on taking.  All is good there.  The problem is that the nearest bus stop from here is several miles away (we live in an out of the way area). I asked him how he was planning to get the the first bus stop.  His response was "back to the drawing board".  If he asks, I'll drive him that far, but he knows there's no way I'm going to drive him the hour or so to the arena, wait around downtown, then drive them back.

I wouldn't let my 13 year old go by themselves at night to a game using public transportation.  Entirely different scenario.

Not a night game, and not alone.  Plus the child has a ton of experience navigating public transportation by himself.

Edited to add that the other deciding factor is the friend he wants to go with.  Said friend is more trustworthy and responsible than most 20-year-olds and is 2.5 years old than my child.  If it were any other friend, the answer would likely be no.

Aah got it, Pro games here are at night and I just can't imagine my 13 year old doing that.

mmswm

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Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #29 on: March 02, 2013, 09:07:03 PM »
You're doing great!  I like some of the responses that others posted.  If it helps, you can share a conversation that I just had with my almost 14-year-old.

He dragged me to his computer because he wanted to purchase tickets to a pro basketball game.  He has enough money but he needs to transfer the money out of his savings account and into my checking to purchase the tickets online.  He wants to take himself and his friend who's 16, and the friend will pay him back.  That's fine by me.  He's a responsible, independent kid and his friend is the same.  Friend does not drive.  I asked him how he was planning on getting to the game.  He brought up another tab that had a map of the bus/train system.  He showed me the route he was planning on taking.  All is good there.  The problem is that the nearest bus stop from here is several miles away (we live in an out of the way area). I asked him how he was planning to get the the first bus stop.  His response was "back to the drawing board".  If he asks, I'll drive him that far, but he knows there's no way I'm going to drive him the hour or so to the arena, wait around downtown, then drive them back.

I wouldn't let my 13 year old go by themselves at night to a game using public transportation.  Entirely different scenario.

Not a night game, and not alone.  Plus the child has a ton of experience navigating public transportation by himself.

Edited to add that the other deciding factor is the friend he wants to go with.  Said friend is more trustworthy and responsible than most 20-year-olds and is 2.5 years old than my child.  If it were any other friend, the answer would likely be no.

Aah got it, Pro games here are at night and I just can't imagine my 13 year old doing that.

There are a small number of afternoon games here.  The tickets tend to be cheaper, which is the only reason he can afford them.  It might be a showcase game though, and not a "real" game.  I didn't look that close. I was more concerned that he'd hammered out transportation arrangements and had coordinated appropriately with his friend.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)