Author Topic: Not the back up plan  (Read 4212 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

WillyNilly

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #30 on: March 02, 2013, 09:14:36 PM »
You're doing great!  I like some of the responses that others posted.  If it helps, you can share a conversation that I just had with my almost 14-year-old.

He dragged me to his computer because he wanted to purchase tickets to a pro basketball game.  He has enough money but he needs to transfer the money out of his savings account and into my checking to purchase the tickets online.  He wants to take himself and his friend who's 16, and the friend will pay him back.  That's fine by me.  He's a responsible, independent kid and his friend is the same.  Friend does not drive.  I asked him how he was planning on getting to the game.  He brought up another tab that had a map of the bus/train system.  He showed me the route he was planning on taking.  All is good there.  The problem is that the nearest bus stop from here is several miles away (we live in an out of the way area). I asked him how he was planning to get the the first bus stop.  His response was "back to the drawing board".  If he asks, I'll drive him that far, but he knows there's no way I'm going to drive him the hour or so to the arena, wait around downtown, then drive them back.

I wouldn't let my 13 year old go by themselves at night to a game using public transportation.  Entirely different scenario.

Eh, different places are different levels of safe though.  When I was 14 I went to a Guns-n-Roses concert via public transport by myself.  But the venue was literally the same building/directly over the train station, which was a nice commuter rail not a subway and it stopped in my town (ok a mile away, but certainly within safe-at-night walking distance) so no transfers, etc. It was totally reasonable and safe. (And its venue that often has professional sporting events.)
Whereas there are some cities and venues/modes of public transportation that wouldn't be ideal or particularly safe for an adult.
Its hard to make some sort of blanket statement because places and safety concerns vary so much.

LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6453
    • Blog
Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #31 on: March 02, 2013, 09:32:05 PM »
It sucks that the other parent bailed (for whatever reason) but that doesn't make it your problem. I think it's fine to sympathise with your DD that her transportation plans fell through, but it's equally fine not to jump in and save the day by driving them yourself. I mean, driving 90 miles each way at night (quite possibly in bad weather) is a major inconvenience!

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30461
Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #32 on: March 02, 2013, 09:58:54 PM »
You're doing great!  I like some of the responses that others posted.  If it helps, you can share a conversation that I just had with my almost 14-year-old.

He dragged me to his computer because he wanted to purchase tickets to a pro basketball game.  He has enough money but he needs to transfer the money out of his savings account and into my checking to purchase the tickets online.  He wants to take himself and his friend who's 16, and the friend will pay him back.  That's fine by me.  He's a responsible, independent kid and his friend is the same.  Friend does not drive.  I asked him how he was planning on getting to the game.  He brought up another tab that had a map of the bus/train system.  He showed me the route he was planning on taking.  All is good there.  The problem is that the nearest bus stop from here is several miles away (we live in an out of the way area). I asked him how he was planning to get the the first bus stop.  His response was "back to the drawing board".  If he asks, I'll drive him that far, but he knows there's no way I'm going to drive him the hour or so to the arena, wait around downtown, then drive them back.

I wouldn't let my 13 year old go by themselves at night to a game using public transportation.  Entirely different scenario.

The specifics of this are completely beside the point.

I *think* mmswm's point is that her son is planning his trip in detail himself and has taken on the responsibility of figuring out his transportation himself.

Note his "back to the drawing board" when his mom pointed out the snag in his plans. He didn't whine or complain or get or simply assume his mother was going to drive him.

And so he's learning and growing as he does this.

Some encouragement, perhaps, to our OP about how it will actually *help* her daughter to figure out her transportation when her mother can't drive her.

lkdrymom

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 971
Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #33 on: March 02, 2013, 10:05:40 PM »
Thanks for all the words of encouragement.  She was a bit cranky when I got home today but said nothing about the concert and her mood has improved alot.

This is the second concert trip with her friend that has had drastic changes. Last year DD begged me to buy her a One Direction concert ticket for her birthday. The concert is July 2013 at Hershey Park. I questioned her quite abit about how this would all shake out. Both girls would be 17 at the time and able to drive. She assured me her friend and mom was on board so I bought the ticket (other mom ordered them and I paid her back). Earlier this year DD tells me other mom is not comfortable with the driving situation as the concert gets out late and legally 17 year olds are not supposed to drive after a certain hour. And then I am also told friend's sister is coming along(I did not know this) and a 17 year old driver is only allowed one passenger not two. DD then looks expectantly at me like I am going to fix all this.....like I would drive one way (yes 2+ hour drive) and other parent could pick up. That was an easy NO.  I asked why there were no problems when the initial plans were made, now suddenly it is a problem. The end result is that other mom is taking them and getting a hotel room and they will all stay the night.

This latest concert DD expected friend to drive as she is already 17. Friend said she could drive, now says she can't.  DD did call her out on that which is a first for her.

I have no problem picking up for a parent that has an emergency. So far that has only happened once that I can remember.  Most times I am asked to step in it is because a parent has over booked themselves, something better came along or they just changed their mind.

Unfortuneately public transportation is non existant in our area. If you want to get someplace, someone has to drive.

The more I say NO the stronger I feel.  And my DD does have a habit of thinking that my time is not valuable.  I am so trying to break her of that. Can't wait for her to be able to drive and see how expensive it is.

I swear my DD is the reincarnation of my grandmother....everything is all about her wants and needs and she never sees how much this may put out others. I would agree to pick them up from the bowling alley at 9pm and suddenly she is chaging that to 11pm from the movie theater. She cannot see what the big deal is as I said I would pick them up.  She cannot grasp that I agreed to bowling alley 9pm not movies at 11. She does not see that are two entirely different things... all she remembers is that I said I would be the pick up person.

mmswm

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2146
Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #34 on: March 02, 2013, 10:14:31 PM »
You're doing great!  I like some of the responses that others posted.  If it helps, you can share a conversation that I just had with my almost 14-year-old.

He dragged me to his computer because he wanted to purchase tickets to a pro basketball game.  He has enough money but he needs to transfer the money out of his savings account and into my checking to purchase the tickets online.  He wants to take himself and his friend who's 16, and the friend will pay him back.  That's fine by me.  He's a responsible, independent kid and his friend is the same.  Friend does not drive.  I asked him how he was planning on getting to the game.  He brought up another tab that had a map of the bus/train system.  He showed me the route he was planning on taking.  All is good there.  The problem is that the nearest bus stop from here is several miles away (we live in an out of the way area). I asked him how he was planning to get the the first bus stop.  His response was "back to the drawing board".  If he asks, I'll drive him that far, but he knows there's no way I'm going to drive him the hour or so to the arena, wait around downtown, then drive them back.

I wouldn't let my 13 year old go by themselves at night to a game using public transportation.  Entirely different scenario.

The specifics of this are completely beside the point.

I *think* mmswm's point is that her son is planning his trip in detail himself and has taken on the responsibility of figuring out his transportation himself.

Note his "back to the drawing board" when his mom pointed out the snag in his plans. He didn't whine or complain or get or simply assume his mother was going to drive him.

And so he's learning and growing as he does this.

Some encouragement, perhaps, to our OP about how it will actually *help* her daughter to figure out her transportation when her mother can't drive her.

Thank you Toots, that was exactly my point.  My other point was that Ikdrymom can use that story, if she wanted to,  to point out that she's not the only mother in the world who expects her kids to take a certain amount of responsibility in their plans.

To the OP, I'm glad that she's in better spirits today.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9671
Re: Not the back up plan
« Reply #35 on: March 02, 2013, 11:00:22 PM »
This is part of a process of teaching your dd not only that when she says "Jump" that you don't say "How high?" but also that she has no right to say "Jump" to you at all.

In other words, our kids don't get to make demands on us for our time and effort and money for leisure time activities. They are entitled only to ask. Everything else is out of our own discretion.

Word. She is not the boss of you. And if she wants something, she needs to figure out how to get it without inconveniencing you.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls