A Civil World. Off-topic discussions on a variety of topics. > Time For a Coffee Break!

Spinesuckers?

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Katana_Geldar:
People who know your weaknesses and exploit them. My family can be like that on me, as they're used to giving in. DH has helped me develop polite spine.

Need to Change:
My spine goes limp if someone (anyone) seems skeptical about whatever I'm saying.  No matter what it is that I'm trying to say, or what the situation is, I tend to start doubting my own word. 

That doubt can actually be a VERY good thing, on all-too-frequent occasion.  But sometimes it's disastrous.  At those times, I encourage folks to see me as less than credible, and/or let them walk all over me -- even when I'm (at least partially) right.

Coley:
Oh, my mother. The spine is there now, but it's a work in progress. Even though I know the right (eHell approved) ways of handling her, it isn't always easy to deal with the blowback. And there's always blowback from her when she doesn't get what she wants. I still have to work at not caving in.

I've had some bosses who were major spinesuckers. One in particular had a habit of standing over me when I was seated at my desk, raising her voice and shaking her finger in my face when she didn't like something I did. To deal with her, I started standing up whenever she entered my office. That made it more difficult for her to engage in that kind of aggressive behavior. I remember once that she said a whole bunch of demeaning, demoralizing stuff to me when we were in a meeting. I just sat there silently and stared back at her. She was so put off by my lack of response (both verbally and nonverbally) that she couldn't stand it. She actually snarled at me, "I hate the way you just sit there and look at me without any expression on your face." She was such a vicious person. She wound up getting fired shortly after I left the job.

I still have difficulty sometimes in dealing with PA behavior. It stems from patterns with my mother. I tend to take on guilt too easily, so I have to be mindful when people are being PA.

Queen of Clubs:

--- Quote from: Coley on March 03, 2013, 10:35:10 AM ---I still have difficulty sometimes in dealing with PA behavior. It stems from patterns with my mother. I tend to take on guilt too easily, so I have to be mindful when people are being PA.

--- End quote ---

This is me too!  Early training from my mother = me thinking everything is my fault.  I'm still fighting to break those habits.

And my mother was a major spinesucker up until my thirties.  She still tries the PA/guilt trip/spine sucking but it's become a trigger for me and I tend to snap at her in response.  And yet, she still keeps on trying.

gen xer:

At the risk of sounding annoyingly feministy I think women especially have a hard time with growing a spine.  From my own experience we are taught to always put others ahead of ourselves, not to make waves and to endure, endure, endure.  So many of us are taught that those are "nurturing" qualities - not doormat qualities.

It can be really hard to break out of that as you well know from some of my posts!

I am struggling with this myself - I certainly don't want to become selfish or inconsiderate but I have to get rid of that little martyr on my shoulder!

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