Author Topic: Daughter invited over to a classmate's house, she doesn't want to go. Update #6  (Read 5035 times)

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seriously?

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I don't believe this is tough, tricky or difficult in any way. Your responsibility is to raise your child to be not only polite and considerate, but also resilient and self aware/self confident. To encourage a child to subjugate their own well expressed and justified needs implies to your child that her needs are less important this the school mate's.

OP given that your child has justified in a fair way her reason for not wanting to spend one on one social time with this child - saying that you don't mesh with another person is quite a mature explanation for a child - then you should support her. In doing so you don't need to be rude...just call the mother and say something to the effect of, 'I asked [my child] if she would like to spend social time with your daughter and she does not want to. [My child] explained that she does not spend a lot of time with your daughter when at school, and that they have different interests. I hope your daughter can find a good friend to spend some time with.'
 

I am so sorry but I find this response very rude. Plus the language is very stilted and not genuine at all.  Wondering if you have children or daughters this age?   So many times I see responses on these boards that would not be acceptable in real life (unless you're looking to be a social pariah)...most opinions and suggestions are very helpful, but some of the replies make me shake my head. Which is ok, everyone has a different opinion.

It seems like both the OP and the little girl genuinely care about not hurting the other little girl's feelings.  I think the compromise they came up with sounds great. Who knows, she  may even form a friendship!

Shoo

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I don't believe this is tough, tricky or difficult in any way. Your responsibility is to raise your child to be not only polite and considerate, but also resilient and self aware/self confident. To encourage a child to subjugate their own well expressed and justified needs implies to your child that her needs are less important this the school mate's.

OP given that your child has justified in a fair way her reason for not wanting to spend one on one social time with this child - saying that you don't mesh with another person is quite a mature explanation for a child - then you should support her. In doing so you don't need to be rude...just call the mother and say something to the effect of, 'I asked [my child] if she would like to spend social time with your daughter and she does not want to. [My child] explained that she does not spend a lot of time with your daughter when at school, and that they have different interests. I hope your daughter can find a good friend to spend some time with.'
 

I am so sorry but I find this response very rude. Plus the language is very stilted and not genuine at all.  Wondering if you have children or daughters this age?   So many times I see responses on these boards that would not be acceptable in real life (unless you're looking to be a social pariah)...most opinions and suggestions are very helpful, but some of the replies make me shake my head. Which is ok, everyone has a different opinion.

It seems like both the OP and the little girl genuinely care about not hurting the other little girl's feelings.  I think the compromise they came up with sounds great. Who knows, she  may even form a friendship!

I tend to agree.  There's being right and then there's being right AND hurtful.  This is the kind of situation that requires subtlety, not extreme directness.  That's a recipe for very hurt feelings, and that's what the OP is trying to avoid.

It sounds like the OP's daughter is very kind and is handling this very well.  I hope all the girls can be friends for a long time.

Slartibartfast

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This is a good chance to have a talk with your daughter about social etiquette.  This situation will come up again, and the more confidant she feels about her ability to deal with it, the less stressful it will be next time.  Ideally, she'd be polite to the girl in school and the girl would take the hint after the first few invitations to get together were non-committally turned aside.  However, your daughter also needs to know what to do if someone WON'T take the hint.  She and her friends need to be careful not to discuss extracurricular plans in front of others who aren't invited, not to share too many inside jokes or group secrets in front of others, etc.  When it comes down to it, if your daughter has to be blunt, she can still do it gently: "We like you just fine, [Name].  We're happy to be in the same groups at school and stuff.  But we kind of already have our little circle of friends, you know?  We've been together for a long time and we know each other really well.  You're a nice person, but you and I have a different kind of friendship.  I know that feels totally unfair and I'm sorry for that."

Blunt and potentially hurtful?  Yes, definitely.  But it also may be necessary to have something like that ready if this girl point-blank asks your DD "Why don't you like me?"

wonderfullyanonymous

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I don't think there is anything wrong with encouraging your daughter to have short visits, it may actually help new girl to develop more sound social skills. Let her know, too, that it's okay if she really doesn't want to do the sleep overs, that you and her can come up with a legitimate reason for not wanting to spend the night.

I'm a loner myself, and prefer to hang out at home, with DF. My mom is like this as well. My brother and sister, however, social butterflies, with many friends, and always off doing things.

DF, also likes to socialize, and when we have an evening planned with friends, I will actually go over different scenarios in  my head, to see if I can come up with a legitimate reason to not go. Of course, I can't and have fun when I go, but am secretly relieved if something happens and plans are canceled.

siamesecat2965

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I like the way you and your DD handled things. It is tough, esp when the other child maybe isn't as socially "saavy" for lack of a better word, than your DD and her friends. It's nice to see that she's going to try and befriend the other girl,. and that they aren't being mean to her, since girls that age (and I speak from experience) can be quite hateful.

I can relate, but only because I was the other girl when i was younger. We moved right before 4th grade, so I  was 9, and I was a  painfully shy, socially awkward kid with no self-esteem. Try as I might to make friends, it seems like every time I thought I was connecting with someone, we'd do something a couple of times, it would fizzle. I desperately wanted to have friends, but I can honestly say for 3 years, until jr. high, I had very few. I didn't have birthday parties since I knew no one would come, and wasn't invited to one during that time either. It was a tough time, and I wasn't very happy then.  And we also remember.

I also have to say, even now, as a 47-year old woman, I still feel like if I ask people I don't know well, but would like to get to know, if they want to do something socially, they're going to look at me and say "why would I want to hang out with YOU?"

Snooks

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I think the compromise is a really good one, you're including the new girl and your daughter can make sure she's involved when she comes to your house but also you'll be able to get an idea of what this girl is like and hopefully guide your daughter in her interactions with the new girl.  It's also nice to hear your daughter isn't the lone nice girl here.

something.new.every.day

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I'm glad it worked out.  I don't think there is anything rude about your daughter not wanting to spend time with/be friends with this girl as long as she is polite and friendly to her when they interact at school.  If she decides not to accept future invitations, it will still be difficult to say "no" without feeling mean, but I agree that being polite but firm is best.  I don't see the need to be too direct, which in this case could lean more towards brutally honest.  On the other hand, maybe a friendship will develop.  Who knows?