Rude to eat in public?

[MrsJWine]

The other mom was nuts. I don't think it's the same as hogging the ice water in a crowd of thirsty people because there's no reasonable expectation that everyone in the toy aisle is starving, and there's no reason to think that should couldn't get her own hungry child some food.

You are of course under no obligation to do so, but I might have asked the mom if it was ok to offer the little guy a french fry.

I secretly hate it when people do this. I say "secretly" because I am grateful that they are being generous and kind, so I show those emotions, not the irritation. However, if my kid acts like a brat, I don't want it to be rewarded. I know the other person in the store doesn't think of it that way, but that's how it will come off to my kid. I think it just puts the other parent in an awkward situation.

This is an interesting point and leads to a tangental question:
What do you do when another adult offers your child something that they would normally be allowed to have, but that you don't want them to have for some specific reason or another?  How do you enforce your wishes without embarrassing the other adult or creating an awkward situation?

I am finding myself in this situation more often than I would like - mainly because I do have fairly strict rules regarding LK's behaviour and because she's too smart for her own good sometimes (she's entirely too good at figuring out a way around mommy's 'no').  I don't want to seem like I'm chastising the other adult, but neither do I want poor behaviour rewarded in my kid.  It's an extremely awkward dance.

I want LK to say "please" when she wants something, and if she doesn't say "please", she doesn't get it.  In the last 2 weeks I've gotten really strict on this - with the result being some very stubborn temper tantrums when she wants it but doesn't want to say "please" (but also getting a very sweet "please" as often as I get a temper tantrum).  We were out on the weekend and LK wanted a cheesie.  I told her to say please, she didn't want to.  She didn't get a cheesie.  She was pretty mad about it.  She walked up to another random acquaintance and pointed at the cheesie and say "more?"  But no please.  I said "No, LK, you have to say please."  She walked over to a different adult and did the same thing.  By the third adult, she had a cheesie (she was really determined to NOT say please).  The thing is, I don't know if the adult who gave her the cheesie had heard me say "no" or not.  I just said "next time, please don't give it to her unless she says please.  It's really important that she learns to ask nicely."
I know they thought her very sweet "More?" was asking nicely.  But Please and Thank You are really big deals to me.
I had another acquaintance comment that she seemed awfully young for me to be worrying about manners with her.  I just shrugged and said "she can say it, and she does most of the time, so I expect her to." (The conversation happened because LK had just toddled up to me to ask for a muffin, and this time she initiated the "please" herself.)


(and on an utterly, almost completely unrelated note - I've discovered recently that apparently I apologize way too much, as I witnessed my kid apologize to her hat for tripping over it.  I haven't even started working on teaching her to apologize yet - it's a mimicking thing.  I say sorry to walls, doors, chairs, etc, all the time.  And so my kid has started picking that up.  Ugh!)

As much as I can, I say, "No thanks," and then say something about trying to get them to learn manners. Or just "no thanks," if it's not a situation where feelings might be hurt. I've never had an occasion where someone gave something directly to my kid, which would really make me angry. I think all parents deal with this with their kids to one extent or another. I remember when I got my first job waiting tables, the first thing after, "Oh thank goodness!" out of my dad's mouth was, "Don't go offering things to kids over their parents' objections!" Huge pet peeve of his. I think it's where I picked it up.

ETA: With "thank you," I try not to hold people hostage to my kids' lack of manners. I remember before I had kids, when people would try to get their kids to say "thank you" to me, how awkward it was to just... stand there and wait. I disliked this much less than the people who didn't teach their kids manners at all, of course.

[Sheila Take a Bow]

This is an interesting point and leads to a tangental question:
What do you do when another adult offers your child something that they would normally be allowed to have, but that you don't want them to have for some specific reason or another?  How do you enforce your wishes without embarrassing the other adult or creating an awkward situation?

I don't focus on the stranger in situations like this -- I focus on my child.

If the stranger hasn't handed the item over yet, I say, "No, thank you" and walk my child away, explaining to her why she can't have the item.

If my child has the item in her hand, I take it away and explain why she can't have it, and I don't even deal with the stranger at all.

I figure that it's not really up to me to educate strangers why I'd prefer they follow my rules, but it is up to me to teach the child that she does have to listen to me.  So I focus on the part that will ultimately teach my child that she can't just take snacks without asking.  (Of course, if the person is someone who will interact with my child again and again, then I'll try to explain my rules to them.)

[GreenEyedHawk]

As a small but related aside, I once had a woman (a total stranger) berate me for being rude in McDonald's because I was eating something (I think it was a chocolate milkshake or an ice cream or something) that she had just told her kid a few minutes before that he couldn't have.  So I guess that made me rude.  I wasn't taunting the child with it or anything (that would've been downright mean), I was just sitting at a table reading the paper and eating my ice cream. 

Maybe she had managed to get her child to stop asking by telling him there was no ice cream/milkshake/whatever it was available and I had just ruined the illusion, but either way, come on.  I'm sorry the child had a flip-out over the fact that someone else had something he wanted, but at the risk of sounding rude, that's not my fault or my problem.

[JenJay]

The other mom was nuts. I don't think it's the same as hogging the ice water in a crowd of thirsty people because there's no reasonable expectation that everyone in the toy aisle is starving, and there's no reason to think that should couldn't get her own hungry child some food.

You are of course under no obligation to do so, but I might have asked the mom if it was ok to offer the little guy a french fry.

I secretly hate it when people do this. I say "secretly" because I am grateful that they are being generous and kind, so I show those emotions, not the irritation. However, if my kid acts like a brat, I don't want it to be rewarded. I know the other person in the store doesn't think of it that way, but that's how it will come off to my kid. I think it just puts the other parent in an awkward situation.

This is an interesting point and leads to a tangental question:
What do you do when another adult offers your child something that they would normally be allowed to have, but that you don't want them to have for some specific reason or another?  How do you enforce your wishes without embarrassing the other adult or creating an awkward situation?

I am finding myself in this situation more often than I would like - mainly because I do have fairly strict rules regarding LK's behaviour and because she's too smart for her own good sometimes (she's entirely too good at figuring out a way around mommy's 'no').  I don't want to seem like I'm chastising the other adult, but neither do I want poor behaviour rewarded in my kid.  It's an extremely awkward dance.

I want LK to say "please" when she wants something, and if she doesn't say "please", she doesn't get it.  In the last 2 weeks I've gotten really strict on this - with the result being some very stubborn temper tantrums when she wants it but doesn't want to say "please" (but also getting a very sweet "please" as often as I get a temper tantrum).  We were out on the weekend and LK wanted a cheesie.  I told her to say please, she didn't want to.  She didn't get a cheesie.  She was pretty mad about it.  She walked up to another random acquaintance and pointed at the cheesie and say "more?"  But no please.  I said "No, LK, you have to say please."  She walked over to a different adult and did the same thing.  By the third adult, she had a cheesie (she was really determined to NOT say please).  The thing is, I don't know if the adult who gave her the cheesie had heard me say "no" or not.  I just said "next time, please don't give it to her unless she says please.  It's really important that she learns to ask nicely."
I know they thought her very sweet "More?" was asking nicely.  But Please and Thank You are really big deals to me.
I had another acquaintance comment that she seemed awfully young for me to be worrying about manners with her.  I just shrugged and said "she can say it, and she does most of the time, so I expect her to." (The conversation happened because LK had just toddled up to me to ask for a muffin, and this time she initiated the "please" herself.)


(and on an utterly, almost completely unrelated note - I've discovered recently that apparently I apologize way too much, as I witnessed my kid apologize to her hat for tripping over it.  I haven't even started working on teaching her to apologize yet - it's a mimicking thing.  I say sorry to walls, doors, chairs, etc, all the time.  And so my kid has started picking that up.  Ugh!)

My DD tried that when she was about 2 1/2. I made her spit the thing out as I told her "I told you no. You do not go ask someone else after I've said no." It was her Grandma that she'd asked (In another room, little stinker had the nerve to come brag that MeMe had given it to her!). It was awesome when my mom backed me up and told DD "You tricked me and that wasn't okay."

Another time, same general age, DD asked for gum in the checkout line at the grocery store. I said no. A minute later I look down and there she is ripping open a pack of gum! I asked the cashier to ring it up and then throw it away. Then I told DD that taking things without permission was called stealing and she'd better not ever do it again.

Oops, posted too soon. Edited to add that the cashier asked if I didn't want to keep the gum, since I'd paid for it, and give it to DD later when she was behaving. I said "Nope. She's not getting that gum, ever."

[Emmy]

I can see the other mom being exasperated and maybe annoyed that her kid happened to see something he wanted and started acting out, but she was rude for how she acted towards you.  I don't think it is fair to assume that the other mother neglected to feed him or he was hungry; toddlers have a tendency to see somebody else with something and decide that they have to have it right now.  It may not have been his lunch time, he might have turned his nose up at lunch a few minutes before, or even ate lunch recently and still wanted the fries.  Maybe his mom didn't want him to have fries in the cart because she knew he would make a mess in the store.  A kid throwing a tantrum is not a reflection of poor parenting.  The poor parenting part came in when she yelled at you instead of correcting his behavior.

I don't feel eating in stores is rude if it is allowed and if it is done in a way that doesn't create a mess.

[gemma156]

It's not rude pure and simple.  You live in a free society in which store permitting, you may eat whatever your heart's desire.  If a strange child becomes difficult because they want one, simply ignore the situation and keep moving on. 

Slight hijack apologies in advance.  Your question did remind me of a McDonald's ad that ran some years ago.  A man stuck in traffic looking bored until the boy in the car ahead of him, start to taunt him with making rude faces ti fill the time in.  The man narrows his eyes and then looks down onto the seat next to him at the bag of McDonald's.  Next moment he picks up the fries from his combo meal and then starts to eat them, one by one with relish to taunt the boy in the car ahead.

The boy stops smirking and buries his head in his arms in agony, as he can't watch the man eat the fries.  The man then is the one to smirk at the end.

So if you didn't garnish the boy's attention and then eat the fries one by one, just to get him upset, then I say again - no you weren't rude.

[bopper]

She was transferring her annoyance/guilt/anger on to you.  You did nothing wrong.

[acicularis]

This is an interesting point and leads to a tangental question:
What do you do when another adult offers your child something that they would normally be allowed to have, but that you don't want them to have for some specific reason or another?  How do you enforce your wishes without embarrassing the other adult or creating an awkward situation?

In a situation like this, I usually tried to smile and say to the adult "Thanks, but I already told her no."

[acicularis]

As a small but related aside, I once had a woman (a total stranger) berate me for being rude in McDonald's because I was eating something (I think it was a chocolate milkshake or an ice cream or something) that she had just told her kid a few minutes before that he couldn't have.

Now that's just bizarre.

[Cami]

I don't think it was rude, but I don't think I would do it. It just doesn't seem "nice" to me. Kinda like drinking an ice cold water around a bunch of really thirsty people.

Also, I don't think it matters whether the store allowed it or not. Stores allow a lot of things that are rude. I was under the impression that rude was rude. I am not saying the OP was rude, because I don't believe she was rude. I just don't think its because the store allows it.

POD

Stores also allow people trying on clothes to fling them all over the dressing room area. Stores allow customers to yell and scream at their employees. Doesn't make it polite or acceptable to do so. Just means it's store policy to allow it.

I wouldn't walk around a store carrying food because I don't find that particularly classy and it's a good way to ruin merchandise.   I don't want to buy a piece of merchandise and then get home and find a grease stain on it from someone's french fried fingers either. Apparently stores today are fine with it, but that doesn't mean it's fine with me, so I don't do it.

[Venus193]

Stores also allow people trying on clothes to fling them all over the dressing room area. Stores allow customers to yell and scream at their employees. Doesn't make it polite or acceptable to do so. Just means it's store policy to allow it.

I wouldn't walk around a store carrying food because I don't find that particularly classy and it's a good way to ruin merchandise.   I don't want to buy a piece of merchandise and then get home and find a grease stain on it from someone's french fried fingers either. Apparently stores today are fine with it, but that doesn't mean it's fine with me, so I don't do it.

Great point. 

[Roe]

I don't think it was rude, but I don't think I would do it. It just doesn't seem "nice" to me. Kinda like drinking an ice cold water around a bunch of really thirsty people.

Also, I don't think it matters whether the store allowed it or not. Stores allow a lot of things that are rude. I was under the impression that rude was rude. I am not saying the OP was rude, because I don't believe she was rude. I just don't think its because the store allows it.

POD

Stores also allow people trying on clothes to fling them all over the dressing room area. Stores allow customers to yell and scream at their employees. Doesn't make it polite or acceptable to do so. Just means it's store policy to allow it.

I wouldn't walk around a store carrying food because I don't find that particularly classy and it's a good way to ruin merchandise.   I don't want to buy a piece of merchandise and then get home and find a grease stain on it from someone's french fried fingers either. Apparently stores today are fine with it, but that doesn't mean it's fine with me, so I don't do it.

It's fine if you choose not to do it.  But it still doesn't make the OP rude.

[SiotehCat]

I don't think it was rude, but I don't think I would do it. It just doesn't seem "nice" to me. Kinda like drinking an ice cold water around a bunch of really thirsty people.

Also, I don't think it matters whether the store allowed it or not. Stores allow a lot of things that are rude. I was under the impression that rude was rude. I am not saying the OP was rude, because I don't believe she was rude. I just don't think its because the store allows it.

POD

Stores also allow people trying on clothes to fling them all over the dressing room area. Stores allow customers to yell and scream at their employees. Doesn't make it polite or acceptable to do so. Just means it's store policy to allow it.

I wouldn't walk around a store carrying food because I don't find that particularly classy and it's a good way to ruin merchandise.   I don't want to buy a piece of merchandise and then get home and find a grease stain on it from someone's french fried fingers either. Apparently stores today are fine with it, but that doesn't mean it's fine with me, so I don't do it.

It's fine if you choose not to do it.  But it still doesn't make the OP rude.

We never said the OP was rude. In fact, my vey first sentence said that I didn't think the OP was rude.

[Roe]

I don't think it was rude, but I don't think I would do it. It just doesn't seem "nice" to me. Kinda like drinking an ice cold water around a bunch of really thirsty people.

Also, I don't think it matters whether the store allowed it or not. Stores allow a lot of things that are rude. I was under the impression that rude was rude. I am not saying the OP was rude, because I don't believe she was rude. I just don't think its because the store allows it.

POD

Stores also allow people trying on clothes to fling them all over the dressing room area. Stores allow customers to yell and scream at their employees. Doesn't make it polite or acceptable to do so. Just means it's store policy to allow it.

I wouldn't walk around a store carrying food because I don't find that particularly classy and it's a good way to ruin merchandise.   I don't want to buy a piece of merchandise and then get home and find a grease stain on it from someone's french fried fingers either. Apparently stores today are fine with it, but that doesn't mean it's fine with me, so I don't do it.

It's fine if you choose not to do it.  But it still doesn't make the OP rude.

We never said the OP was rude. In fact, my vey first sentence said that I didn't think the OP was rude.

I was responding to Cami.  She said she wouldn't do it and that it's not classy.  So my post stands in response to her post.  I should've deleted your post. Sorry.

[LadyClaire]

When I worked as a receptionist someone's toddler threw a huge crying fit because he wanted the banana on my desk. It was the only thing I had brought to eat for lunch that day (had been running late that morning and we were running low on groceries), so it was pretty much my only meal until after 5:00 p.m.

One of the other people waiting in the office told me I was rude for not giving the kid my banana, because "you shouldn't ever deny a child food".