For DH: travel dilemma More Info p.17

[BatCity]

My DH was just given a work award that consists of an all expenses paid trip to a luxury resort in the Caribbean. Yay, DH!

Unfortunately, I can't go. The biggest reason is that only two weeks later, we are taking a trip without DD, so we've already cashed in our childcare chips with my parents, as well as using up vacation time.

Since I ordered him to go without me and have a fabulous time, he invited his friend "Doug" to come along.

The dilemma is this: Doug is a great guy, but he doesn't travel well. He is afraid of flying, and another physical challenge he has can exacerbate his anxiety in some pretty dreadful ways*.  DH doesn't want to rescind the invitation, but he's pretty certain that Doug will still want to go. He wants to do the right thing, and have Doug come along if he wants to, but doesn't want him to feel pressured to go and end up having a lousy time.

I told him I'd check with my eHellions and get some opinions. What say you all?

*PM if you want details, but it's not what you are probably thinking.

[Kaypeep]

Why did your husband invite him if he/you both are aware he's not a good traveler?  I'm a bit confused on this. 
Also, what did Doug say when he was invited?  I think we need to know this part of the story in order to give you some advice.

If you want to white lie, then have DH call Doug and say "Wife is coming after all, sorry!"  and then pretend you're going, but have DH take someone else, someone that has absolutely no connection to Doug whatsoever.

[sparksals]

Did.your dh know about his fear and anxiety before he invited Doug?

[Roe]

Honestly, I don't know why your DH invited him in the first place.  Since he made the mistake, he has to live with it. Doug accepted and it would be terribly rude to rescind the invitation. 

ETA: Maybe your DH can "confirm" if Doug still plans to go with him?  Ya know, as in ask Doug if he' sure he wants to go since your DH is aware of his anxiety?  Not sure if that would be rude but that's the closest thing I can think of so as not to rescind the invitation.

[sparksals]

I am a bit confused.  Does your DH want to rescind the invite?  Did he not know of Doug's issues ahead of time or did he know and now changed his mind?

[PastryGoddess]

Where do you live?  East Coast? West Coast? Midwest?

Depending on the island you may be able to get a non-stop or one stop flight from where you are.  This should help Doug in getting it over with and getting to the destination.

[NyaChan]

If your husband knew of Doug's anxiety before the invitation was issued, then this is on him and he needs to suck it up.  If it was revealed after the invitation was accepted, I think he still has room to maneuver, but should keep in mind that it could have a negative effect on his relationship with Doug.

[sweetonsno]

Doug is well aware of his limitations and what will create anxiety for him, so it's really up to him to reject invitations that will exacerbate his anxiety beyond a level with which he is comfortable. DH should absolutely not rescind the invitation, but I think it would be considerate for him to give Doug a heads-up about his plans and even ask if there is anything he can do to help Doug through any rough spots.

If your DH wants to do an activity that Doug wouldn't be able to partake in one day, that's fine. However, he should clue Doug in ahead of time and help him make alternate arrangements. For instance, if DH plans to take surfing lessons on one day and Doug is allergic to the ocean, DH can say, "Doug, I'm going to be taking surfing lessons on Sunday morning. I know that it probably isn't your cup of tea, so I looked into some other options. If you don't want to sleep in, there's also a zip lining excursion and a tour of historical buildings in the city that day. Do you want me to get you signed up for one of those?"

As for the fear of flying, I think DH should count on Doug to take care of his own health issues, but I can't see Doug objecting to your hubby asking if there's anything he needs to know or can do to help.

[bopper]

I say let him take Doug!  He won't have too much fun that way.

[Kaypeep]

I say let him take Doug!  He won't have too much fun that way.

That's true!

Can your DH give the trip to your parents, as a thank you for babysitting while you take your family vacation a few weeks later?

[MasterofSquirrels]

Your DH invited him, he can't rescind the invitation, not if he wants to continue the friendship.

I think when your DH talks to Doug again about the details of the trip, he needs to explain that they are two adults that are traveling to the same place, that is all. Neither is responsible for the other. They can do things together, but are not required too, nor should there be any expectation of it. This way, Doug's issues won't impact your DH. Doug can do what he needs to, as well.

I presume that Doug is aware of his issues, and how his issues effect others. It would be good to have a discussion about the issues Doug has, how he can make sure they don't impact your DH, and , how and what Doug will do to help himself. If he needs your DH to say "Dude, you look anxious, maybe you should take your pill now" or something like that, fine, but, he shouldn't need your DH for more than that.  If he does, your DH can say " I am not comfortable with that" and let Doug decide if he still wants to travel.

[Zilla]

If your dh did not know about the fears, then he can say, "I didn't realize you didn't like to travel, no worries, I have someone else lined up." 


If your dh did know, like others said, why on earth did he invite him?

[Margo]

Your DH invited him, he can't rescind the invitation, not if he wants to continue the friendship.

I think when your DH talks to Doug again about the details of the trip, he needs to explain that they are two adults that are traveling to the same place, that is all. Neither is responsible for the other. They can do things together, but are not required too, nor should there be any expectation of it. This way, Doug's issues won't impact your DH. Doug can do what he needs to, as well.

I presume that Doug is aware of his issues, and how his issues effect others. It would be good to have a discussion about the issues Doug has, how he can make sure they don't impact your DH, and , how and what Doug will do to help himself. If he needs your DH to say "Dude, you look anxious, maybe you should take your pill now" or something like that, fine, but, he shouldn't need your DH for more than that.  If he does, your DH can say " I am not comfortable with that" and let Doug decide if he still wants to travel.

I agree with all of this. I think DH needs to be very clear with Doug what he can and can't do, and let Doug make the decision about whether he still wants to accept the invite on those terms.

Do the 'dreadful ways' mean Doug is likely to put himself of DH at risk, or get them kicked off the flight or out of the resort? If so, then he may need to retract the offer and explain why (I guess if it was a work award, problems might reflect badly on DH at work?)

[rose red]

If Doug ends up going, your DH needs to plan beforehand.  Like, making sure Doug will not get them both thrown off the plane.  Will your DH be able to stay calm when an attack happens.  Calling the hotel and asking if they have a house doctor and the cost.

Yes, I've been there.

[Calistoga]

My DH was just given a work award that consists of an all expenses paid trip to a luxury resort in the Caribbean. Yay, DH!

Unfortunately, I can't go. The biggest reason is that only two weeks later, we are taking a trip without DD, so we've already cashed in our childcare chips with my parents, as well as using up vacation time.

Since I ordered him to go without me and have a fabulous time, he invited his friend "Doug" to come along.

The dilemma is this: Doug is a great guy, but he doesn't travel well. He is afraid of flying, and another physical challenge he has can exacerbate his anxiety in some pretty dreadful ways*.  DH doesn't want to rescind the invitation, but he's pretty certain that Doug will still want to go. He wants to do the right thing, and have Doug come along if he wants to, but doesn't want him to feel pressured to go and end up having a lousy time.

I told him I'd check with my eHellions and get some opinions. What say you all?

*PM if you want details, but it's not what you are probably thinking.

This is what seems important to me. He doesn't want Doug to feel like he HAS to go when in reality, he's uncomfortable.

Have your husband talk to him about it. "Man Doug, when I asked, I completely forgot how you feel about flying. Are you sure you want to come? I don't want you to feel like you have to just for me if you won't have fun, too."