Author Topic: Conversational responsibility...  (Read 4653 times)

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Hmmmmm

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2013, 07:30:02 PM »
I think you are right that your initial response was not the best. It was "kid bashing" and negative. You could have said "Oh, we like it because it's seldom crowded." which is positive instead of a "we shop there because 'X' people don't" which is negative.

The subsequent interaction between the other women was not your fault.

AndreaBeth105

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2013, 10:31:47 AM »
I think a better response might have been, "Yes, it's a little higher but we like it. Bean dip?"

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to avoid places that are likely to have lots of children.. I'm a parent and even I like to go to adult places sometimes. But actually saying that you don't want to be around kids is definitely likely to cause some friction among a group of parents.

Actually, saying that you want to avoid ANY group of people is likely to cause friction.

"We like going there because there aren't as many hipsters."
"...aren't as many seniors."
"...aren't as many poor people."
"...aren't as many yuppies / DINKs."

It's just best to leave that sort of negative out of the conversation. What possible good does it serve?

I agree with both of these.  So how about saying "I just really enjoy the shopping atmosphere" instead?  Only you need to know that "shopping atmosphere" is code for "lack of tantruming children" and yet it's a way to share what you really enjoy about the store: the chance to shop in a soothing, adult environment.
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perpetua

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2013, 11:14:04 AM »
I'm going against the grain. OP, I think you were fine. It's not on you to sugar coat something in case parents get offended that other people don't enjoy having to shop around kids melting down in the aisles.

Not everything in life has to have a positive spin put on it.

Shoo

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #18 on: March 08, 2013, 01:15:40 PM »
I'm going against the grain. OP, I think you were fine. It's not on you to sugar coat something in case parents get offended that other people don't enjoy having to shop around kids melting down in the aisles.

Not everything in life has to have a positive spin put on it.

I think I agree with this.  If someone asks me why I don't like to shop at Walmart, I do not hesitate to say it's because every single time I go to a Walmart, there is at least one, if not multiple, children screaming and crying and I can't get away from it.  If someone identifies a little too closely with that, well, I think that's their problem.  I don't feel the need to apologize for not liking the sound of children screaming and crying.

Dragonflymom

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2013, 08:02:00 PM »
I'm a parent, and sometimes I like to go places without kids too :)

I think you were fine, and this other lady seemed like she was looking for a fight from the beginning.  Self righteously judging you on where you choose to shop because its too expensive, or too cheap, or whatever, is not cool.
"By swallowing evil goats unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach"  Winston Churchill

TootsNYC

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #20 on: March 09, 2013, 11:20:50 AM »
I'm going against the grain. OP, I think you were fine. It's not on you to sugar coat something in case parents get offended that other people don't enjoy having to shop around kids melting down in the aisles.

Not everything in life has to have a positive spin put on it.

I think I agree with this.  If someone asks me why I don't like to shop at Walmart, I do not hesitate to say it's because every single time I go to a Walmart, there is at least one, if not multiple, children screaming and crying and I can't get away from it.  If someone identifies a little too closely with that, well, I think that's their problem.  I don't feel the need to apologize for not liking the sound of children screaming and crying.

Nobody asked the OP this.
The lady *may* have been sort of asking, "why do you shop there."
But even then, I think there are less fraught ways to say things like this. The rest of us shouldn't have to listen to the details of your pet peeves, etc.

It's uncomfortable for us to listen to. And it opens the door to an extended conversation (as happened here) that is even MORE unpleasant to be in.

The lady who vented about rude kids (and the OP's "tantrums" comment) were really unfair to the listeners. It's an unpleasant topic--I don't want to be in that conversation at a social event or whatever.

It may be true. That doesn't mean you are polite to share it.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #21 on: March 09, 2013, 01:27:28 PM »
I'm going against the grain. OP, I think you were fine. It's not on you to sugar coat something in case parents get offended that other people don't enjoy having to shop around kids melting down in the aisles.

Not everything in life has to have a positive spin put on it.

I think I agree with this.  If someone asks me why I don't like to shop at Walmart, I do not hesitate to say it's because every single time I go to a Walmart, there is at least one, if not multiple, children screaming and crying and I can't get away from it.  If someone identifies a little too closely with that, well, I think that's their problem.  I don't feel the need to apologize for not liking the sound of children screaming and crying.
But she wasn't asked why she didn't shop at other places. She wasn't even asked why she shopped at this store. But she chose to focus on a negative to counter what she viewed as a negative comment by the other person.

While many of us choose to not shop certain places because of a negative factor, I would think we have positive reasons for choosing the stores we like.


perpetua

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #22 on: March 09, 2013, 02:32:57 PM »
Why does everything have to have a positive spin on it all the time? A negative statement isn't rude in and of itself. The OP was honest about her reasons for shopping there and that wasn't rude either.

SiotehCat

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #23 on: March 09, 2013, 02:35:21 PM »
I'm going against the grain. OP, I think you were fine. It's not on you to sugar coat something in case parents get offended that other people don't enjoy having to shop around kids melting down in the aisles.

Not everything in life has to have a positive spin put on it.

I think I agree with this.  If someone asks me why I don't like to shop at Walmart, I do not hesitate to say it's because every single time I go to a Walmart, there is at least one, if not multiple, children screaming and crying and I can't get away from it.  If someone identifies a little too closely with that, well, I think that's their problem.  I don't feel the need to apologize for not liking the sound of children screaming and crying.
But she wasn't asked why she didn't shop at other places. She wasn't even asked why she shopped at this store. But she chose to focus on a negative to counter what she viewed as a negative comment by the other person.

While many of us choose to not shop certain places because of a negative factor, I would think we have positive reasons for choosing the stores we like.

But not wanting to shop somewhere because its mostly childfree sounds like a positive reason to me. Shopping there sounds great after that.

Tabby Uprising

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #24 on: March 09, 2013, 02:52:54 PM »
Why does everything have to have a positive spin on it all the time? A negative statement isn't rude in and of itself. The OP was honest about her reasons for shopping there and that wasn't rude either.

No, the OP wasn't rude.  Things don't always have to have a positive spin either.  However, negativity can beget negativity.  Negativity can put people on the defensive.  And certain topics are known to have the potential to be contentious.  It's not rude to discuss hot topics.  It's fine not to be all sunshine and rainbows about everything, but know that introducing a hot topic into a mixed group can ignite heated comments.  And if you're having a light conversation amongst a mixed group of people just killing time before an activity, it might sour the atmosphere somewhat to go from small talk to contentious, hairy, angst-fest right before your Painting with Kittens class. 


oceanus

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #25 on: March 09, 2013, 03:06:53 PM »
Quote
Negativity can put people on the defensive.  And certain topics are known to have the potential to be contentious.  It's not rude to discuss hot topics.  It's fine not to be all sunshine and rainbows about everything, but know that introducing a hot topic into a mixed group can ignite heated comments. 

So true.

I once remarked (casually, I thought) that I donít like going to a particular personís house because there are always so many loud, barking dogs in the neighborhood.  I received a couple of defensive replies.

citadelle

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #26 on: March 09, 2013, 05:16:31 PM »
Quote
Negativity can put people on the defensive.  And certain topics are known to have the potential to be contentious.  It's not rude to discuss hot topics.  It's fine not to be all sunshine and rainbows about everything, but know that introducing a hot topic into a mixed group can ignite heated comments. 

So true.

I once remarked (casually, I thought) that I donít like going to a particular personís house because there are always so many loud, barking dogs in the neighborhood.  I received a couple of defensive replies.

I believe it! Some people are as defensive about their dogs as others are about their children.

TootsNYC

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #27 on: March 09, 2013, 06:10:16 PM »
Why does everything have to have a positive spin on it all the time? A negative statement isn't rude in and of itself. The OP was honest about her reasons for shopping there and that wasn't rude either.

Because it's awkward for the rest of us. This is a casual conversation--it's not a vent fest.

It's rude to the rest of us for you to criticize something in such a gratuitous way in a conversation that is not about that sort of stuff.

perpetua

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #28 on: March 10, 2013, 05:34:17 AM »
Why does everything have to have a positive spin on it all the time? A negative statement isn't rude in and of itself. The OP was honest about her reasons for shopping there and that wasn't rude either.

Because it's awkward for the rest of us. This is a casual conversation--it's not a vent fest.

It's rude to the rest of us for you to criticize something in such a gratuitous way in a conversation that is not about that sort of stuff.

I didn't see it as a vent at all, it was just a statement of fact.

I don't agree with your position, but then I can't abide the notion that everything must be positive and happy-clappy all the time and nobody's ever allowed to say anything even slightly negative,  so perhaps it's me.

Venus193

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Re: Conversational responsibility...
« Reply #29 on: March 10, 2013, 08:25:36 AM »

I didn't see it as a vent at all, it was just a statement of fact.

I don't agree with your position, but then I can't abide the notion that everything must be positive and happy-clappy all the time and nobody's ever allowed to say anything even slightly negative,  so perhaps it's me.

It's not just you; I agree.