No, I don't want him to be here. ***Update pg 5***

[Redsoil]

Seems pretty simple to me.  This is not an appropriate time or place to have a toddler around. The OP does not need the extra stress, and has asked the friend not to bring toddler.  Sounds reasonable to me.

[bloo]

OP, I think you're completely reasonable. Your friend is disappointed but she'll get over it. Push this out of your mind and hope the logistics work for next year.

I have a couple of friends where this same scenario would be wildly different. One friend has an extremely well-behaved child that would have stayed out of the way or tried to help (of course this would mean giving up some help from one of my kids, partly) and another friend with a toddler that's clingy and screamy, with no sense of boundaries. 

With the second friend I tried to have a 'girl's nite' at my house and asked my kids to watch 'Clingy&Screamy' but C&S refused to go upstairs and play with my kids (none of the other gals brought their kids and C&S's mom is a single mom with limited options for babysitting. C&S glued herself to her mother and yelled and interrupted everything if she felt mom wasn't paying sufficient attention to her. Changed the whole dynamic.

So to Friend 1 I would've said, "Great! Bring the rugrat!" and to Friend 2, "Oh I guess we'll see you later."

OP knows her friend and obviously where she fit on that spectrum. Accommodating her friend how her friend wished to be accommodated sounds like that would simply not work for OP. So I think OP handled a variation of "I'm afraid that won't be possible" perfectly!

[Luci45]

Seems pretty simple to me.  This is not an appropriate time or place to have a toddler around. The OP does not need the extra stress, and has asked the friend not to bring toddler.  Sounds reasonable to me.

Yup! Well said.

[random numbers]

Can the OP's husband or someone pick up the friend before the prep and the friend's husband drives over when the babysitters get there?

[bonyk]

I wouldn't want to set up for a party with my own toddler underfoot, let alone somebody else's.   I don't hanging out in another room with the father would work -- most toddlers are really into "helping" -- making most tasks take triple time.   

OP, I would just keep putting it back on your friend.  "It doesn't sound like coming early is going to work out this year.  ::sigh::  See you at party start time, then!"

[Firecat]

I don't think the OP is being rude at all; I think she's being very sensible, actually. 2 year olds can be very unpredictable, and I totally agree with those saying that there's a good chance he'd refuse to be kept quietly entertained by Dad and insist (loudly) on being where his mother and the action are. Maybe that wouldn't be the case, but it's not the way I'd bet if I were a betting woman. Setting up for a major party can be stressful enough, and for me, a potentially-tantruming toddler would be just too much.

Given that he's allowed, at home, to take food off tables as he wants, I see huge potential for disaster. A two year old normally allowed to grab food as he wants around all kinds of party food? ::shudder:: For that reason alone, I think the OP should stick to her guns on not wanting the child in the house before the party. And even if his father is usually really good about watching him, all it would take is a few seconds of inattention on the father's part or a quick run and grab by the toddler...and they always seem to be faster than you think they're going to be.

The grandparents' habit of being late is just, in my opinion, another reason to say "no" to having the little one there during setup.

Now, that doesn't mean I think the friend is an awful person, or entitled, or any of that. I don't, not just based on the evidence provided by the OP. But I do think that the friend is just very much wanting things to work out, and she's maybe not really thinking through the practicalities and potential problems.

[snowdragon]

But where in the world are you getting that the friend is "unwilling to compromise"? The friend suggested one plan to get together that worked best for her, the OP said that wouldn't work for the OP, and the friend seemed disappointed. That's all we've got. I don't see any substantial 'unwillingness to compromise' from this friend.

From the OP:

I suggested that her DH and son could stay at home while she came over early, and then her DH could wait until her parents got him and then join us, but their second car is in the shop. So then I said she didn't have to come over early and help, and they could arrive a little later to the party. She didn't want to do that because she says they only have a limited time at the party because they want to go to church in the morning. So her reasoning is to spend as much time as possible with DH and me.

This doesn't sound like the Friend trying to compromise to me. Friend wants to attend the party, attend church and bring the baby. She's been told she's (still) welcome to attend the party, either as a guest or early helper. However, the child is not welcome. It's not up to the OP to work out the Friend's logistics. She's suggested a few alternatives (baby and DH stay home till babysitter arrives, or come later), but no, the friend wants to come for the whole time and bring her unwelcome child.

And this is also where I saw her feeling what the wants as unacceptable, This passage reads to me as the friend wanting what she wants and no compromise involved. 

[Calistoga]

It sounds like both sides tried to work it out in a polite and reasonable manner.

Me, personally, it would depend on how well I know the parents handle their child. Saying DH will keep the kid busy doesn't always mean the kid will be out of the way entirely. There have been several times where I've had to say "No" about children because their parents weren't great about keeping them busy.

I'm guessing that the OP doesn't have kids, so chances are, there isn't one room that's super kid friendly. So there most likely wouldn't be a good, obvious space to keep the child contained, especially if the child is used to running through a whole house.

Even on a non-party day, it doesn't seem like there's a 100 percent guarantee of keeping the child out from under feet. Toddlers are sneaky.

So the OP was well within her rights not to want to deal with a child on such a busy day. Add in the fact that the grandparents are usually late and the OP came up with some really good alternatives- namely, the husband staying home and joining the party later- it comes down to mom and dad to make the choice her. You can't always expect everyone to accommodate your child.

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

I hope you can find the words to make your friend accept your decision without hurt feelings.  I'm with firecat in thinking that introducing a 2-year-old into the party prep (and probably start of party) will not go smoothly.  I envision the child ruining one or more party dishes by sticking his hands in them, possibly spilling them as well.  There are so many things that could go wrong, and it could become the party you will always remember as the one that was ruined by your friend.  The big picture is that it will be easier for your friend to make alternate plans this year than for you to deal with long-term resentment.  Of course, your friend may not see it that way.

It's not personal . . . it's just that 2-year-olds are 2-year-olds. 

[*inviteseller]

It is OP's house, her party so if she does not want a toddler there, and for very good stated reasons, she is within her rights to say no.  Friend coming by to help set up seems like just that, a friend offering help, not someone co hosting.  I have kids and I am well aware of what is and what isn't kid friendly, and because of what OP describes, I would not want a toddler there either.  And if he ends up staying because friends parents are late/ stay and socialize, then what does that say to the other friends who arranged babysitting for an adult night out.  The OP throws this party once a year, it is not like she has no kids allowed dinner parties weekly.  She also didn't tell her friend she can't come to the party, just that she didn't need the help setting up so friend did not have to bring 2 yr old over. It is the friend saying she can't stay because of other plans so she wants to help beforehand so she can socialize then.   No guilt needed, and if friend wants to try to give you grief, she is wrong. 

[LadyR]

Why does the OP need to make a sacrifice to accommodate her friend's child - especially since that is going to cause her additional hardship? Why is it a bad thing that the people who chose to have this child need to make the sacrifices for him? Why should the OP's DH have to do the setup alone so that OP can babysit a child that isn't hers?

I don't understand your post at all.

Why does the friend have to make a sacrifice of not having her child nearby to help out the OP when she is doing the OP a favour by coming over to help set out the OP's party? Why can't the OP make the sacrifice of having the child in another room for the time that the friend is there helping the OP with her big event?

And I'm not saying the OP should babysit the child (not sure where in my post gave you that idea) but that, if setting up the party with the friend is a problem, OP's DH could take friend's place instead. Thanks to those who did get that.

As for the sacrifices, since you clearly didn't understand that part of my post either, yes, of course couples make sacrifices because they have chosen to, but the sacrifices should be about the child, not about someone thinking 'well, you're already not used to getting what you want because of Junior, so I'm sure you'll have no problem getting what you want because of me.'

I feel like you have totally misread the OP. The OP is ok with the friend not helping, she has told her friend that she ans her DH can handle it on their own, her friend is the one who isn't happy with that arrangement.

OP, I think you're in the clear. I wouldn't want my own toddler around as I was setting up, let alone so,eone else's. If we have a party, he goes to Grandma's or she comes and keeps him out from under foot while DH and I set up.

[cross_patch]

But where in the world are you getting that the friend is "unwilling to compromise"? The friend suggested one plan to get together that worked best for her, the OP said that wouldn't work for the OP, and the friend seemed disappointed. That's all we've got. I don't see any substantial 'unwillingness to compromise' from this friend.

From the OP:

I suggested that her DH and son could stay at home while she came over early, and then her DH could wait until her parents got him and then join us, but their second car is in the shop. So then I said she didn't have to come over early and help, and they could arrive a little later to the party. She didn't want to do that because she says they only have a limited time at the party because they want to go to church in the morning. So her reasoning is to spend as much time as possible with DH and me.

This doesn't sound like the Friend trying to compromise to me. Friend wants to attend the party, attend church and bring the baby. She's been told she's (still) welcome to attend the party, either as a guest or early helper. However, the child is not welcome. It's not up to the OP to work out the Friend's logistics. She's suggested a few alternatives (baby and DH stay home till babysitter arrives, or come later), but no, the friend wants to come for the whole time and bring her unwelcome child.

And this is also where I saw her feeling what the wants as unacceptable, This passage reads to me as the friend wanting what she wants and no compromise involved.

I don't think that comes through in the OP at all. As aeris says, there is nothing wrong with the friend wanting to spend as much time as possible with the OP. It really reads like you are trying to paint the friend in the worst possible light with no evidence.

[kudeebee]

Setting up for a party is time consuming and the people doing so need to be able to move freely and do what needs to be done without worrying about having a young child underfoot.  Why take a 2 year old out of his home to go to another home for 2 to 3 hours without any toys to play with.  Everything will be new and exciting and he will want to explore and touch everything.  Also, if he is used to just grabbing food (not a good habit that the parents have taught him but that is another thread) it is a disaster waiting to happen.  So is the fact that the grandparents are notoriously late and may decide to come in to chat.  OP does not have time for a chat during the party--and who would be watching the child during that time?  All the hard work could go down the drain very quickly, even if child was supervised during setup.

Unless parents are going to bring along a lot of stuff to entertain him, unless OP has a room that will work for this, unless dad is very good at only watching the child and keeping hiim entertained and picking stuff up, unless the grandparents are on time and not running late and won't come in to chat or stay===that is too many "unlesses" for me.

I can understand that the friend likes to come and help and spend time with OP.  However, this year it just isn't going to work out.  That happens sometimes.  Friend is sad because she won't get to spend much time at party, but that is friend's choice as well.

I think OP was fine in what she said, she didn't make friend feel guilty, she told her she would see her at party.  OP, I am not sure why you feel guilty.  You did nothing wrong.  You can't control friend's feelings and reactions.  And yes, when you have children, things do change.  Parents can't always do the things that they did before.

[snowdragon]

But where in the world are you getting that the friend is "unwilling to compromise"? The friend suggested one plan to get together that worked best for her, the OP said that wouldn't work for the OP, and the friend seemed disappointed. That's all we've got. I don't see any substantial 'unwillingness to compromise' from this friend.

From the OP:

I suggested that her DH and son could stay at home while she came over early, and then her DH could wait until her parents got him and then join us, but their second car is in the shop. So then I said she didn't have to come over early and help, and they could arrive a little later to the party. She didn't want to do that because she says they only have a limited time at the party because they want to go to church in the morning. So her reasoning is to spend as much time as possible with DH and me.

This doesn't sound like the Friend trying to compromise to me. Friend wants to attend the party, attend church and bring the baby. She's been told she's (still) welcome to attend the party, either as a guest or early helper. However, the child is not welcome. It's not up to the OP to work out the Friend's logistics. She's suggested a few alternatives (baby and DH stay home till babysitter arrives, or come later), but no, the friend wants to come for the whole time and bring her unwelcome child.

And this is also where I saw her feeling what the wants as unacceptable, This passage reads to me as the friend wanting what she wants and no compromise involved.

I don't think that comes through in the OP at all. As aeris says, there is nothing wrong with the friend wanting to spend as much time as possible with the OP. It really reads like you are trying to paint the friend in the worst possible light with no evidence.

Since I am not the only one reading it that way, I doubt it.  I think you are trying to excuse the friend's behavior where it's not warranted.

[oopsie]

Seems pretty simple to me.  This is not an appropriate time or place to have a toddler around. The OP does not need the extra stress, and has asked the friend not to bring toddler.  Sounds reasonable to me.

Yup! Well said.

POD.