Author Topic: No, I don't want him to be here. ***Update pg 5***  (Read 11813 times)

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MrsCrazyPete

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No, I don't want him to be here. ***Update pg 5***
« on: March 08, 2013, 08:19:10 PM »
I did something today that I feel guilty about, but I'm pretty sure I was not rude and was justified in doing. Please assuage my guilt or tell me if I should rectify the situation!

DH and I are having a party tomorrow night. This is our annual, pull-out-all-the-stops extravaganza...we plan weeks in advance and send actual invitations through the mail, tons of yummy food and drinks...I get very excited about it every year.

My best friend usually comes over a couple hours early to help us set everything up and it's a fun time for both of us. She called me just now and said she wasn't sure what her plan was for tomorrow, because of a scheduling conflict with her 2yo son.

What she wants to do is this: her and her DH and their son will all come over early, she will help me set up while her husband keeps son busy. Then her parents will come pick him up about 15 minutes before the party start time. They can't take him earlier because of a scheduling conflict. I see all kinds of disasters with this: son is mostly well-behaved but is allowed (in his home) to take food as he wants it, as in, will take the prepped food off the table and counters. In addition, my friend's parents are notoriously late and will likely not arrive until about 15 minutes AFTER the party has started. Also I really like her parents and they would want to come in and talk for awhile.

I told my friend that I'd really prefer to not have him there because I don't want to maneuver wine glasses, candles, food, etc around a toddler. I suggested that her DH and son could stay at home while she came over early, and then her DH could wait until her parents got him and then join us, but their second car is in the shop. So then I said she didn't have to come over early and help, and they could arrive a little later to the party. She didn't want to do that because she says they only have a limited time at the party because they want to go to church in the morning. So her reasoning is to spend as much time as possible with DH and me.

So basically I told her I'd rather not have him there and she needed to figure out what she wants and what she'll sacrifice. I'm of the opinion that since they have a child, they don't get to do everything they want. Am I wrong in this line of thinking? I could tell she wasn't thrilled with my answer and expected me to just let him be here.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2013, 02:09:07 PM by MrsCrazyPete »
Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here.

DottyG

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2013, 08:24:43 PM »
Does she know about this new-fangled thing called a babysitter?

It's even possible for the babysitter to be in your house (as a last resort) and be in a room apart from the party stuff.  I did that many a time.


MerryCat

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2013, 08:40:16 PM »
I don't think you did anything wrong. Not all events are child-friendly, and being a parent means sometimes you may have to miss out on those events. As long as you were polite, which it sounds like you were, I don't see anything rude in what you did.

JenJay

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2013, 09:02:26 PM »
Does she know about this new-fangled thing called a babysitter?

It's even possible for the babysitter to be in your house (as a last resort) and be in a room apart from the party stuff.  I did that many a time.

LOL yep!

I don't think you were rude. I've tried to plan kid-free parties but someone always shows up with one (or four >:(). Good for you for being honest and standing your ground. I'm sorry that circumstances aren't more convenient for your friend to come over early, but that's not a good reason to pass the inconvenience off on you.

Your party sounds like a blast!! Enjoy!

auntmeegs

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2013, 09:34:27 PM »
This is just my opinion so I hope you don't take offense but personally I think you are being unreasonable.  Its not as though your friend was going to try to help while watching her son at the she time - her dh will be there, in charge of taking care of the child, so i guess I don't really see what the problem I with her idea. 

MOM21SON

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2013, 09:41:46 PM »
This is just my opinion so I hope you don't take offense but personally I think you are being unreasonable.  Its not as though your friend was going to try to help while watching her son at the she time - her dh will be there, in charge of taking care of the child, so i guess I don't really see what the problem I with her idea.

I think it's a distraction even if the DH is there. 

"He wants his mommy and will no longer listen to daddy."  It happens.  Some kids just want to be where they are not supposed to be.

If they are down to one car, can't her DH drop her off and go home to wait for the grandparents and then come to the party?

And, like Dotty said, there are babysitters. 

You are not rude.

doodlemor

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2013, 10:06:33 PM »
You were not rude, and I agree that the child would be a huge distraction. 

For me, it would be much harder to concentrate on the party tasks whether I was the hostess or the mother.  The child could get hurt if he got underfoot and in the way of an adult in a hurry, too.

It sounds like your friend's life is a bit disrupted here, but her problems should not be spread into your party preparations.  This is a big deal for you, and you don't need any hindrances.
« Last Edit: March 08, 2013, 10:10:23 PM by doodlemor »

peaches

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2013, 10:15:45 PM »
You did nothing wrong.

Party-giving is stressful enough without having an unplanned-for toddler running around.

I would have felt the same as you, and told them essentially the same thing.

 

something.new.every.day

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2013, 10:20:03 PM »
This is just my opinion so I hope you don't take offense but personally I think you are being unreasonable.  Its not as though your friend was going to try to help while watching her son at the she time - her dh will be there, in charge of taking care of the child, so i guess I don't really see what the problem I with her idea.
But as the OP said, she was not confident that the grandparents would be there before the party to pick up the child. 

lkdrymom

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2013, 10:25:59 PM »
And how many times have we been told that so-and-so will watch their child but it turns out their idea of watching a child and your idea of watching one are entirely two different things. I know that is how it was with my now ex husband.

KB

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2013, 10:26:20 PM »
Hold on, is your friend doing you a favour by coming to help set up? Is your extravaganza that you get all the glory for, but which she helps you with all the setting out of things, or is it a shared effort for which you both get recognition that just happens to be at your place, because that would affect my view of things. In the latter case, of course she should do her part, but in the former, you are asking her to put herself at an inconvience just to suit you.

It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about. And I'm afraid I strongly disagree with your twist on 'since they have a child, they don't get to do everything they want.' You seem to think it means YOU can have what YOU want instead and they should be used to making sacrifices anyway, so one that happens to give you your way is going to be fine.

Sorry, but no, it doesn't work like that.

Besides, since you have a DH, who will presumably be co-hosting the party and getting at least half of the credit, what's wrong with making him do the work instead?

MrTango

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2013, 10:36:05 PM »
Hold on, is your friend doing you a favour by coming to help set up? Is your extravaganza that you get all the glory for, but which she helps you with all the setting out of things, or is it a shared effort for which you both get recognition that just happens to be at your place, because that would affect my view of things. In the latter case, of course she should do her part, but in the former, you are asking her to put herself at an inconvience just to suit you.

It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about. And I'm afraid I strongly disagree with your twist on 'since they have a child, they don't get to do everything they want.' You seem to think it means YOU can have what YOU want instead and they should be used to making sacrifices anyway, so one that happens to give you your way is going to be fine.

Sorry, but no, it doesn't work like that.

Besides, since you have a DH, who will presumably be co-hosting the party and getting at least half of the credit, what's wrong with making him do the work instead?

In the OP's house, the OP gets to set the rules.

She doesn't want a toddler running around while she's preparing for an adult party.  That seems perfectly reasonable to me.

wolfie

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2013, 10:37:51 PM »
Hold on, is your friend doing you a favour by coming to help set up? Is your extravaganza that you get all the glory for, but which she helps you with all the setting out of things, or is it a shared effort for which you both get recognition that just happens to be at your place, because that would affect my view of things. In the latter case, of course she should do her part, but in the former, you are asking her to put herself at an inconvience just to suit you.

It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about. And I'm afraid I strongly disagree with your twist on 'since they have a child, they don't get to do everything they want.' You seem to think it means YOU can have what YOU want instead and they should be used to making sacrifices anyway, so one that happens to give you your way is going to be fine.

Sorry, but no, it doesn't work like that.

Besides, since you have a DH, who will presumably be co-hosting the party and getting at least half of the credit, what's wrong with making him do the work instead?

Why does the OP need to make a sacrifice to accommodate her friend's child - especially since that is going to cause her additional hardship? Why is it a bad thing that the people who chose to have this child need to make the sacrifices for him? Why should the OP's DH have to do the setup alone so that OP can babysit a child that isn't hers?

I don't understand your post at all.

Aeris

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2013, 10:41:07 PM »
Hold on, is your friend doing you a favour by coming to help set up? Is your extravaganza that you get all the glory for, but which she helps you with all the setting out of things, or is it a shared effort for which you both get recognition that just happens to be at your place, because that would affect my view of things. In the latter case, of course she should do her part, but in the former, you are asking her to put herself at an inconvience just to suit you.

It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about. And I'm afraid I strongly disagree with your twist on 'since they have a child, they don't get to do everything they want.' You seem to think it means YOU can have what YOU want instead and they should be used to making sacrifices anyway, so one that happens to give you your way is going to be fine.

Sorry, but no, it doesn't work like that.

Besides, since you have a DH, who will presumably be co-hosting the party and getting at least half of the credit, what's wrong with making him do the work instead?

Why does the OP need to make a sacrifice to accommodate her friend's child - especially since that is going to cause her additional hardship? Why is it a bad thing that the people who chose to have this child need to make the sacrifices for him? Why should the OP's DH have to do the setup alone so that OP can babysit a child that isn't hers?

I don't understand your post at all.

I think her point at the end was: Since you have a DH (who is your actual, acknowledged co host), why don't you have him do the extra set up work rather than this friend, who has a conflict and presumably doesn't have hosting credit.

I don't think KB was suggesting that the OP babysit the kid.

auntmeegs

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #14 on: March 08, 2013, 10:44:41 PM »
Hold on, is your friend doing you a favour by coming to help set up? Is your extravaganza that you get all the glory for, but which she helps you with all the setting out of things, or is it a shared effort for which you both get recognition that just happens to be at your place, because that would affect my view of things. In the latter case, of course she should do her part, but in the former, you are asking her to put herself at an inconvience just to suit you.

It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about. And I'm afraid I strongly disagree with your twist on 'since they have a child, they don't get to do everything they want.' You seem to think it means YOU can have what YOU want instead and they should be used to making sacrifices anyway, so one that happens to give you your way is going to be fine.

Sorry, but no, it doesn't work like that.

Besides, since you have a DH, who will presumably be co-hosting the party and getting at least half of the credit, what's wrong with making him do the work instead?

Why does the OP need to make a sacrifice to accommodate her friend's child - especially since that is going to cause her additional hardship? Why is it a bad thing that the people who chose to have this child need to make the sacrifices for him? Why should the OP's DH have to do the setup alone so that OP can babysit a child that isn't hers?

I don't understand your post at all.

What is the OP sacrificing though?  And who said anything about the OP babysitting the kid?