Author Topic: No, I don't want him to be here. ***Update pg 5***  (Read 11404 times)

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #60 on: March 09, 2013, 10:51:49 PM »
I highly doubt the OP is painting her friend in the worst possible light, consdering said friend was given options and she decided to either not take them or just didn't seem willing TO take them. If the OP does not want a young child in the house during the set-up and what I assume is an annual adult-orinented party -- of which I, again, assume the friend has known about for a while now -- then the friend, or anyone else invivted for that matter, should respect the wishes of the host and, I dunno, not bring their children.

Ida

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #61 on: March 10, 2013, 01:40:34 AM »

It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about.

Other parts of this post have been answered, I think, but I have to ask: Does this, esp. the bolded, really mean what it appears to mean?
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Marbles

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #62 on: March 10, 2013, 03:01:46 AM »
It sounds like this is not the event for the little guy. I completely understand; I send my toddlers to their grandparents' house when I want to prep for grownup parties. We all have more fun that way.

I would say that what you are probably looking to do is to maintain your relationship with your friend. Perhaps you can invite the three of them over some other time when you can do a more child-friendly event.

Shoo

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #63 on: March 10, 2013, 10:39:12 AM »
OP, I think you're in the clear here.  You told your friend it wouldn't work for you to have her toddler there, offered some alternatives, which apparently won't work for her, and so you've said that you don't expect her to come and help you.  I don't know what else you *could* say to her. 

It doesn't sound like either of you are being unreasonable.  She may be disappointed, but that's okay.  Having a child often interferes with things people would really like to do.  She'll face this kind of thing a lot, as a parent.

Roe

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #64 on: March 10, 2013, 10:47:32 AM »
I'm curious, OP how did you decide to handle the situation?  (I'm assuming the party was last night?)

MrsCrazyPete

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #65 on: March 10, 2013, 02:08:30 PM »
Hi everyone, OP here. Our party was last night and it was a blast!! We had tons of our friends show up and everyone said they had a good time.

My friend and her husband decided to stay and wait for her parents to come get her son and then come to the party. They ended up not coming until almost an hour after the party start time, because (surprise!) her parents were late. So I'm REALLY glad I stuck to my guns and said no.

I was mostly feeling guilty I guess because I wanted her to be able to do what she wanted but unfortunately this time it just didn't work. I'm actually not sure if they made it to church this morning because her DH was a little tipsy when they left, lol.

Thanks for the advice everyone!
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diesel_darlin

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here. ***Update pg 5***
« Reply #66 on: March 10, 2013, 02:48:28 PM »
Wonderful update! Im sorry that you missed out on prep time with your friend, but I am glad you stuck to your guns! As you expected, her parents were late, and that would have thrown quite the kink in your plans!

Glad everyone had fun and your party was a success!  ;)

KB

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #67 on: March 10, 2013, 06:41:40 PM »

It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about.

Other parts of this post have been answered, I think, but I have to ask: Does this, esp. the bolded, really mean what it appears to mean?

I don't know what it appears to mean to you, but I certainly worry about/take care of/help the other members of my family. I consider what their needs are, what they are doing and whether they are free to adjust to circumstances in their daily routines if I am doing something that needs them to be changed from normal. Is that what you had in mind, or were you thinking of something else?

artk2002

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #68 on: March 10, 2013, 07:14:04 PM »

It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about.

Other parts of this post have been answered, I think, but I have to ask: Does this, esp. the bolded, really mean what it appears to mean?

I don't know what it appears to mean to you, but I certainly worry about/take care of/help the other members of my family. I consider what their needs are, what they are doing and whether they are free to adjust to circumstances in their daily routines if I am doing something that needs them to be changed from normal. Is that what you had in mind, or were you thinking of something else?

You seemed to be implying that the OP was somehow obligated to accommodate her friend's changed circumstances. She isn't. Friend has a child, friend is responsible for said child. OP doesn't want that responsibility and shouldn't have to.

Yes, Friend was going to do the OP a favor. Bringing the child along negates the value of the favor, especially since Friend would then be responsible for said child and/or husband. OP asked friend to help (or friend volunteered, I'm not entirely clear), but that doesn't mean that the OP has to accommodate the changed circumstance of the toddler. It's Friend's responsibility to do so, or to decline the request if she can't.
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NyaChan

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here. ***Update pg 5***
« Reply #69 on: March 10, 2013, 07:28:20 PM »
Thanks for the update - sounds like the boundaries you set were well placed.

MrsCrazyPete

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #70 on: March 10, 2013, 07:42:38 PM »
It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about. And I'm afraid I strongly disagree with your twist on 'since they have a child, they don't get to do everything they want.' You seem to think it means YOU can have what YOU want instead and they should be used to making sacrifices anyway, so one that happens to give you your way is going to be fine.

Sorry, but no, it doesn't work like that.

Besides, since you have a DH, who will presumably be co-hosting the party and getting at least half of the credit, what's wrong with making him do the work instead?

Ok, first of all, I am not MAKING anyone do any work. DH and I work together to put on a party that our friends will enjoy. I also do not 'make' my friend help me. I'm not sure why you put the phrase 'fun time' in quotations. It IS a fun time for both of us. She enjoys helping out, as I enjoy helping her out when she is in a similar situation. It's enjoyable for us to be able to catch up and talk while we prep.

And honestly, when people have children, they DON'T get to do everything they want. Just like I don't get to do everything I want because of my work schedule. But it's a good job and so the schedule is my sacrifice. People make sacrifices, it's a fact of life. Having a child and making subsequent sacrifices involving child care is the example I used because that's what my question was about.

In no way did I mean that because they have a child, I get whatever I want. My question was about my house, my party, my money and my time being spent on a special party that DH and I throw annually. That's why I was pretty sure I had done the right thing in deciding what happens in my house. I came to ehell for clarification.
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Aeris

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #71 on: March 10, 2013, 08:17:02 PM »
It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about. And I'm afraid I strongly disagree with your twist on 'since they have a child, they don't get to do everything they want.' You seem to think it means YOU can have what YOU want instead and they should be used to making sacrifices anyway, so one that happens to give you your way is going to be fine.

Sorry, but no, it doesn't work like that.

Besides, since you have a DH, who will presumably be co-hosting the party and getting at least half of the credit, what's wrong with making him do the work instead?

Ok, first of all, I am not MAKING anyone do any work. DH and I work together to put on a party that our friends will enjoy. I also do not 'make' my friend help me. I'm not sure why you put the phrase 'fun time' in quotations. It IS a fun time for both of us. She enjoys helping out, as I enjoy helping her out when she is in a similar situation. It's enjoyable for us to be able to catch up and talk while we prep.

And honestly, when people have children, they DON'T get to do everything they want. Just like I don't get to do everything I want because of my work schedule. But it's a good job and so the schedule is my sacrifice. People make sacrifices, it's a fact of life. Having a child and making subsequent sacrifices involving child care is the example I used because that's what my question was about.

In no way did I mean that because they have a child, I get whatever I want. My question was about my house, my party, my money and my time being spent on a special party that DH and I throw annually. That's why I was pretty sure I had done the right thing in deciding what happens in my house. I came to ehell for clarification.

MrsCrazyPete, you didn't do anything wrong. You had every right to insist that the toddler not be around during setup, for a whole host of valid reasons. (Heck, even if your reasons WEREN'T valid, which they are, you'd have the right anyway).

I think sometimes there is a strong tendency for people when reading these scenarios to need someone to be 'the jerk'. Thus, whoever they identify more with becomes 'the victim', and automatically that makes the other party 'the jerk'. I think that a small number of people in this thread identified more with your friend, and thus needed to identify *you* as 'the jerk', while a larger group identified more with you and thus needed to cast your friend as 'the jerk'.

But in reality, most stories of real life don't actually have a victim and a jerk. It's usually just two people with somewhat conflicting desires muddling through as best they can.

I don't fault your friend for trying to maximize her time with you. I don't blame you for feeling that the toddler coming with her was a recipe for disaster. I don't blame your friend for being disappointed. I don't blame you for standing your ground. I'm glad that the situation worked out reasonably well.

snowdragon

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #72 on: March 10, 2013, 08:35:08 PM »

It sounds to me like you haven't taken your friend's changing circumstances into account and are expecting her to turn up for what you view as a 'fun time' as if she didn't have the responsibility of a two-year-old and, to a lesser extent, a husband to worry about.

Other parts of this post have been answered, I think, but I have to ask: Does this, esp. the bolded, really mean what it appears to mean?

I don't know what it appears to mean to you, but I certainly worry about/take care of/help the other members of my family. I consider what their needs are, what they are doing and whether they are free to adjust to circumstances in their daily routines if I am doing something that needs them to be changed from normal. Is that what you had in mind, or were you thinking of something else?

You seemed to be implying that the OP was somehow obligated to accommodate her friend's changed circumstances. She isn't. Friend has a child, friend is responsible for said child. OP doesn't want that responsibility and shouldn't have to.

Yes, Friend was going to do the OP a favor. Bringing the child along negates the value of the favor, especially since Friend would then be responsible for said child and/or husband. OP asked friend to help (or friend volunteered, I'm not entirely clear), but that doesn't mean that the OP has to accommodate the changed circumstance of the toddler. It's Friend's responsibility to do so, or to decline the request if she can't.

 This. Yes, children require sacrifice, but the people who need to sacrifice are the parents of those children - not the people around them. The people around them need to realize that things have changed and the parents can't always do what they did before but the idea that the accommodations need to come from friends changing how things are going to be done in their own home, not so much. The OP did accommodate the fact that the friend has child - she suggested several alternatives for the friend to choose from....that's the extent that she is obligated to "take into account the friend's changing circumstances."
   OP - you did nothing wrong and I admire you for holding firm.   

CrochetFanatic

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here. ***Update pg 5***
« Reply #73 on: March 10, 2013, 09:29:19 PM »
I'm glad the party went well!  Even the sweetest toddlers tend to be busy, especially when they're bored, and have no place at an adult party.  Glad it all worked out.

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Re: No, I don't want him to be here.
« Reply #74 on: March 10, 2013, 09:47:18 PM »
I think sometimes there is a strong tendency for people when reading these scenarios to need someone to be 'the jerk'. Thus, whoever they identify more with becomes 'the victim', and automatically that makes the other party 'the jerk'.

I think this is fabulous insight.