Author Topic: My DIL  (Read 4424 times)

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Piratelvr1121

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #15 on: March 14, 2013, 12:07:48 PM »
You took over her wedding, bullied her into doing things "your way" because "that's the way it's done", don't believe she really has panic attacks, blame your son's dental hygiene on her, even though he's grown up enough to be married, so he should be grown up to take care of himself enough to brush his own teeth. There is so much more negative judgement in this post that I can't list it all.

Take a step back. Your son is a grown man, and it's time to let go a little bit. Sit back and let him make his own mistakes (And place the blame for that squarely on HIS shoulders, not your daughter in law's.)

If they are making a mess of your house, certainly, tell him what you expect of them. Sit down with them and tell them that you expect your house to be clean, and it should be done by such and such a date. You have a complete and total right to have your home at a cleanliness level that you desire.

Everything else in this post, though, sounds like you think that your DIL is not good enough for your son. I hate to tell you, but you have become *that* mother in law.

I POD Ticia and Zinzin, and jmarvellous.  Wow.  It's time to let go, past due, actually.   She's not a saint, but you have not been Mother Theresa either. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Moray

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #16 on: March 14, 2013, 12:09:20 PM »
They didn’t “fall in hard times” – they got married too soon.  Not having money for deposit on an apartment is a clue.

So you gave them money for the apartment and you bought DIL a car.  Big mistakes.

You allowed them to move in.  Another big mistake.

Six cavities.  Outrageous.  Their dental amd medical problems are their problems.

DIL is “fun”.  So what?  She is also nasty and ungrateful.

You said you have tried to do the best for them.  Well, THAT is the problem.

Stay out of their marriage.  Don’t give them another dime.  Let them figure it out. Give them a deadline to find another place to live and move, and stick to it.

Just out of curiosity, why is six cavities so outrageous? Personally, I'd never had a single cavity my whole life. Perfect dental health. Check-ups and cleanings every six months like clockwork. This year, I went in for my semi-annual and they found 4 tiny ones. 3 aren't even on chewing surfaces. My diet is good, I take good care of my teeth, but the dentist says this can sometimes happen as people age and their body chemistry changes.

You seem to think cavities are a moral failing and that really puzzles me.
Utah

L80 Violet

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #17 on: March 14, 2013, 12:13:00 PM »
You took over her wedding, bullied her into doing things "your way" because "that's the way it's done", don't believe she really has panic attacks, blame your son's dental hygiene on her, even though he's grown up enough to be married, so he should be grown up to take care of himself enough to brush his own teeth. There is so much more negative judgement in this post that I can't list it all.

No, I didn't take over her wedding or bully her in any way.  Where did that come from?  I actually believe in manners and protocol.  I wanted to have the rehearsal dinner; that is the one responsibility of the the groom's family.  And aside from being unhappy about the memorial for my MIL, I stayed out of it. 

She has shouted at me and smart mouthed me when I have done nothing but good for her.  I'm sick of it.  I guess I wasn't clear, but I don't nag my son about brushing his teeth now, but when he was young, I did. I was trying to save them money, and stress. 

 

zinzin

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2013, 12:17:19 PM »
You took over her wedding, bullied her into doing things "your way" because "that's the way it's done", don't believe she really has panic attacks, blame your son's dental hygiene on her, even though he's grown up enough to be married, so he should be grown up to take care of himself enough to brush his own teeth. There is so much more negative judgement in this post that I can't list it all.

No, I didn't take over her wedding or bully her in any way.  Where did that come from?  I actually believe in manners and protocol.  I wanted to have the rehearsal dinner; that is the one responsibility of the the groom's family.  And aside from being unhappy about the memorial for my MIL, I stayed out of it. 

She has shouted at me and smart mouthed me when I have done nothing but good for her.  I'm sick of it.  I guess I wasn't clear, but I don't nag my son about brushing his teeth now, but when he was young, I did. I was trying to save them money, and stress.

It sounds like you forced them to change what was, to them, a very wanted and meaningful memorial. How is that not controlling? And to call her a "smart mouth" for standing up for your sons wishes? At least she cared what he thought and wanted.

I also find it extremely telling that you save all of your wrath for her and not your son, who is an equal part in most of the decisions that you are angry at her for. You should really check yourself - from your own words and descriptions, you never gave this woman a chance.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2013, 12:19:44 PM by zinzin »

MamaMootz

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2013, 12:18:13 PM »
To be honest, I think things would get a whole lot better if son and his new wife moved out of your home and got their own place.

From what I've read here, as other people have said, neither of you come out smelling like a rose.

If they continue to stay with you, though, there is no way any relationship is going to get better. You have building resentment, and so does your DIL.

Time for them to be married and on their own, and on their own insurance. If they aren't paying you any rent, and they are working - they should certainly be able to afford an apartment.
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Cat-Fu

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #20 on: March 14, 2013, 12:22:16 PM »
You took over her wedding, bullied her into doing things "your way" because "that's the way it's done", don't believe she really has panic attacks, blame your son's dental hygiene on her, even though he's grown up enough to be married, so he should be grown up to take care of himself enough to brush his own teeth. There is so much more negative judgement in this post that I can't list it all.

No, I didn't take over her wedding or bully her in any way.  Where did that come from?  I actually believe in manners and protocol.  I wanted to have the rehearsal dinner; that is the one responsibility of the the groom's family.  And aside from being unhappy about the memorial for my MIL, I stayed out of it. 

She has shouted at me and smart mouthed me when I have done nothing but good for her.  I'm sick of it.  I guess I wasn't clear, but I don't nag my son about brushing his teeth now, but when he was young, I did. I was trying to save them money, and stress.

It sounds like you forced them to change what was, to them, a very wanted and meaningful memorial. How is that not controlling? And to call her a "smart mouth" for standing up for your sons wishes? At least she cared what he thought and wanted.

I also find it extremely telling that you save all of your wrath for her and not your son, who is an equal part in most of the decisions that you are angry at her for. You should really check yourself - from your own words and descriptions, you never gave this woman a chance.

In addition, you mentioned "it was a battle" about the memorials, which is really none of your purview anyway, and then described how you badgered your DIL into hosting the rehearsal dinner.  And, TBH, generally speaking, saying something like "you're trying to take over my wedding" is not typical unless there is some truth in the matter.

L80 Violet, your DIL may be difficult, but it's not going to help your relationship with her or your son if you are difficult back. I agree w/ MamaMootz that the first step should probably be them moving out.
“Poetry is a sword of lightning, ever unsheathed, which consumes the scabbard that would contain it.” PBS

Moray

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2013, 12:22:59 PM »
You took over her wedding, bullied her into doing things "your way" because "that's the way it's done", don't believe she really has panic attacks, blame your son's dental hygiene on her, even though he's grown up enough to be married, so he should be grown up to take care of himself enough to brush his own teeth. There is so much more negative judgement in this post that I can't list it all.

No, I didn't take over her wedding or bully her in any way.  Where did that come from?  I actually believe in manners and protocol.  I wanted to have the rehearsal dinner; that is the one responsibility of the the groom's family.  And aside from being unhappy about the memorial for my MIL, I stayed out of it. 

She has shouted at me and smart mouthed me when I have done nothing but good for her.  I'm sick of it.  I guess I wasn't clear, but I don't nag my son about brushing his teeth now, but when he was young, I did. I was trying to save them money, and stress.

Here's the thing: "manners," "etiquette," and "protocol" are not to be used as weapons. They are not blunt objects with which to bludgeon people who were raised differently, or have different values, or who even want to host their own darn rehearsal dinner.

Period.

The second you start using "manners and protocol" as an excuse to be domineering, or rude, or controlling, it becomes bad manners by definition.
Utah

Eden

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2013, 12:23:19 PM »
You took over her wedding, bullied her into doing things "your way" because "that's the way it's done", don't believe she really has panic attacks, blame your son's dental hygiene on her, even though he's grown up enough to be married, so he should be grown up to take care of himself enough to brush his own teeth. There is so much more negative judgement in this post that I can't list it all.

No, I didn't take over her wedding or bully her in any way.  Where did that come from?  I actually believe in manners and protocol.  I wanted to have the rehearsal dinner; that is the one responsibility of the the groom's family.  And aside from being unhappy about the memorial for my MIL, I stayed out of it. 

She has shouted at me and smart mouthed me when I have done nothing but good for her.  I'm sick of it.  I guess I wasn't clear, but I don't nag my son about brushing his teeth now, but when he was young, I did. I was trying to save them money, and stress.

Agree with the others. I'm not saying your DIL is a saint. Maybe she's not. But you are not painting a good picture of your behavior here. And the fact that you can't see it when it's pointed out to you does not bode well.

My advice, you guys need separation and boundaries. For their good as well as yours.

Zizi-K

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2013, 12:24:43 PM »
It sounds like your son married an young, emotional and impulsive woman, who is not particularly diplomatic. (I don't have a great relationship with my MIL, but I have certainly never shouted at her, ran out of restaurants, or had any great conflict face to face.) It also sounds like you suspect your son is learning bad habits from her (junkfood, not brushing). There is definitely nothing you can do about that! I agree with some of the other posters who've suggested that a bit more distance might do you all some good. I can't imagine the tensions that would abound if we lived with either sets of parents. They are grown-ups now, and it's time to let your investment mature. Your 'help' likely isn't helping, but actually enabling them to make further bad decisions.

thedudeabides

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #24 on: March 14, 2013, 12:33:52 PM »
I'm on the same page with previous posters.  If my mother had tried some of the things you've done, she would not only be "one of those MILs," she'd be one of those mothers, and of course relations would be frosty.

Wordgeek

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Re: My DIL
« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2013, 12:35:44 PM »
Topic locked, because the OP clearly isn't interested in etiquette.