Author Topic: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34  (Read 7601 times)

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artk2002

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story)
« Reply #30 on: March 12, 2013, 08:49:01 PM »
She should know where the line is, because, with the exception of the dentures and one other large thing, we only give her small amounts via gift cards or shopping trips/lunches.

DH feels no responsibility for her at all, as her situation is due to her life choices.  It more or less depends on how generous he wants to be at any given time.

We teach people how to treat us. I suggest that you and your DH look up the concept of "partial reinforcement." I'm sure you understand the idea that if you reward someone for doing something, they'll come back for more. You give someone money when they ask, they continue to ask, since that's what you've taught them to do (good old operant conditioning.) It turns out that rewarding them only some of the time is even more powerful. It takes longer for the asking to stop than if you were rewarding them every time and then cut them off. As long as your DH is willing to reward her occasionally, the price you pay is the constant asking. Rewarding her once every 10 times she asks only teaches her that she has to ask 9 more times to get what she wants.

BTW, this is the SIL from the "don't drink from my bottle" thread, in case you don't remember.

*sigh* Yes, and I think we advised you in that thread to draw a very hard line with her. Let her cross it once and she'll continue to push. The money is no different.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

sammycat

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story)
« Reply #31 on: March 12, 2013, 09:00:10 PM »
I don't think it's really our business to know if the dentures can be repaired or if there's a warranty - that's her job as the owner. 

If SIL wants you to pay for new dentures then I think it most definitely is your business to know if they can be repaired or are under warranty.  Why pay out for brand new dentures when the current one can be repaired (cheaper) or fixed under warranty (free)?  Make her do the legwork by all means (in fact, I'd insist on it), although if she comes back and says repairs/warranty aren't possible I'd be most definitely rechecking that claim. Better yet, tell her 'too bad, so sad'.  I bet she can suddenly find that they can be fixed under warranty or repair.

Having just seen the comment that this is the SIL from the drink bottle thread, my only advice is to cut off the money train right now, in full, including replacement of new dentures. 

I guess I'm just confused as to why you or DH feel any obligation whatsoever to pay her expenses in the first place.   ???
« Last Edit: March 12, 2013, 10:24:57 PM by sammycat »

gramma dishes

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story)
« Reply #32 on: March 12, 2013, 10:23:12 PM »
I've read this far, but I still can't quite understand why HER dentures are your responsibility.  Why did your husband buy them for her in the first place?  But even if he had a very good and sound reason, why would he buy her a second set? 

I'd stop the money train right now.  She needs to take care of herself.   She isn't (as far as I know) your or your husband's responsibility. 

NyaChan

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story)
« Reply #33 on: March 12, 2013, 10:33:28 PM »
I think it is perfectly fine to help family, friends, or strangers financially if you WANT to.  If you want to help her, that is absolutely your choice, OP.  In my family, we do help our relatives at times and no, we don't have to, but we want to do it, and I don't think that makes us pushovers or someone people take advantage of.

If you want to give her money for select things that you choose, just be aware that it will make you a target for requests on other areas of "help. "When those requests come to you, I would stop engaging her on that topic after her first request and your refusal.  If she brings it up a second time, "SIL, we've already discussed this and my answer has not changed."  If she brings it up again, then warn that you will end the conversation if she has nothing else to speak about - then do it. 

BarensMom

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #34 on: March 12, 2013, 10:48:30 PM »
Well, DH spoke to SIL and changed his mind and partially caved.  The denture repair will cost $150, so DH is sending $100 and told her it's up to her to find the rest of it.  I told DH I was not happy about his decision. 

I've been keeping my distance since before Xmas.  Recently, however, she was admitted to the hospital to treat her persistent skin ulcers.  So, both DH and I went to see her there and I've seen her once since she left the hospital.  She behaved well both times, except as I was leaving, she sprung the bed request on me.  I told her to talk to DH and left.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2013, 11:11:03 PM by BarensMom »

Amara

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #35 on: March 12, 2013, 11:19:53 PM »
I feel you and your DH need to come together on this, make firm family decisions, and stick to them. Your SIL is not really the problem here; she is merely the conduit for the current dissension between you two.

something.new.every.day

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #36 on: March 12, 2013, 11:22:12 PM »
From your posts, it seems the issue is out of your hands as you have put financial and decision making control in your DH's hands and don't seem to have any say. I think the best you can do is to keep directing your SIL to your DH.  Be a broken record and tell her to ask your DH and/or end the conversation with her.

I am sending you well wishes, and I do sincerely hope things get better for you. 

delabela

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #37 on: March 12, 2013, 11:29:13 PM »
Well, DH spoke to SIL and changed his mind and partially caved.  The denture repair will cost $150, so DH is sending $100 and told her it's up to her to find the rest of it.  I told DH I was not happy about his decision. 

I've been keeping my distance since before Xmas.  Recently, however, she was admitted to the hospital to treat her persistent skin ulcers.  So, both DH and I went to see her there and I've seen her once since she left the hospital.  She behaved well both times, except as I was leaving, she sprung the bed request on me.  I told her to talk to DH and left.

I don't know if it's fair for you to be unhappy with the decision - I thought the point of the OP was that you wanted him to deal with this, and he has.

I do wish you luck.

Rusty

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #38 on: March 13, 2013, 02:37:15 AM »
It would appear to me that the bigger problem here is the fact that you seem to have little say in how the family finances are managed.  If this were not the case you would have no need to refer your SIL to your husband and could just deal with it yourself. Obviously having prior knowledge of the SIL's behaviour and having discussed it with your DH you would both be on the same page.

As this is not the case I would refuse to take any begging calls from the SIL and tell your husband that as he expects you to defer to him in money matters, then so should the SIL.

NyaChan

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #39 on: March 13, 2013, 02:41:54 AM »
I think that OP earlier said that she was ok with her husband handling finances, though this particular thing has upset her.  I guess one of the unfortunate side effects of that arrangement is that he might make decisions, such as this one with SIL, that she doesn't agree with.  Still, I suppose it is a balancing test of sorts - are you okay enough with it that your irritation on this issue hasn't outweighed your reasons for having him take care of the financial side of things. 

Rusty

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #40 on: March 13, 2013, 02:48:27 AM »
The OP stated that she has no influence on her husband's financial decisions, I did not see where she said she was OK with this.

miranova

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #41 on: March 13, 2013, 04:31:35 AM »
I think your problem is with your husband, who is spending money in a way you don't agree with and without listening to and considering your input.  Otherwise there would be no problem, because you could have just said no and that would be the end of it. 

Your SIL is a gimme pig, but you can't change her and aren't in any kind of real relationship with her.  You are nothing but an ATM to her.  Your husband on the other hand, is obviously a more important relationship and one that presumably you would like to continue.  I think your problem is in that relationship.  If it were me I'd be having some talks with my husband to make sure we were on the same page regarding money and gifts to SIL.

In the meantime, neither one of you can MAKE SIL stop calling and asking you the same question over and over so you need to control your reaction to it.  Your Dh warned you not to answer the phone yet you did anyway, saying you thought it would be him.  That part doesn't make a lot of sense to me.  Once you get one VM from her and you know she is prone to calling multiple times, you need to NOT ANSWER her calls.  Don't even discuss it with her, and just let your DH call her back.  You don't need to even tell her this.  Just don't answer.  She left her message, she doesn't need to speak to you.  Take charge of what you CAN control. 

BarensMom

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #42 on: March 13, 2013, 10:59:11 AM »
I think your problem is with your husband, who is spending money in a way you don't agree with and without listening to and considering your input.  Otherwise there would be no problem, because you could have just said no and that would be the end of it. 

Your SIL is a gimme pig, but you can't change her and aren't in any kind of real relationship with her.  You are nothing but an ATM to her.  Your husband on the other hand, is obviously a more important relationship and one that presumably you would like to continue.  I think your problem is in that relationship.  If it were me I'd be having some talks with my husband to make sure we were on the same page regarding money and gifts to SIL.

In the meantime, neither one of you can MAKE SIL stop calling and asking you the same question over and over so you need to control your reaction to it.  Your Dh warned you not to answer the phone yet you did anyway, saying you thought it would be him.  That part doesn't make a lot of sense to me.  Once you get one VM from her and you know she is prone to calling multiple times, you need to NOT ANSWER her calls.  Don't even discuss it with her, and just let your DH call her back.  You don't need to even tell her this.  Just don't answer.  She left her message, she doesn't need to speak to you.  Take charge of what you CAN control.

I'm not going to get into why I let DH handle the money - it's far too long a story.

To answer your question, I was driving home and, having been gone a long time, thought DH was calling to check up on me (he gets grumpy when I don't pick up).  My phone was in my purse, and the bluetooth in my car doesn't have caller ID.

Amara

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #43 on: March 13, 2013, 12:08:46 PM »
I'm truly sorry about this situation, OP. It sounds very stressful for you. Is there any way to further separate yourself from your SIL without causing your DH to become upset? Could you get a new cell phone number that only your DH has or that she does not? Can you block her e-mails (if she sends them)? What can you do for yourself that will make it easier on you to let her demands slide off you?

Maude

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Re: Ask your brother and leave me out of it! (SIL story) - Update #34
« Reply #44 on: March 13, 2013, 03:55:28 PM »
Get the name of the denture repairer, make out a  check or money order TO HIM and send that to SIL.