Easter expectation

[heartmug]

On New Year's Day in 2000 my brother had a house warming party.  He was so excited to be a first time home owner.  It is a beautiful home with a large backyard.  Part of the backyard has these slopes to it.  When he and SIL were giving us a tour he said "Wouldn't this be a great place to have Easter?  All the great hiding places for an egg hunt."  I agreed and so did my siblings.  So every year since then he has hosted Easter.

Our kids are now teenagers but my sister has young ones.  I had not heard anything about time or what to bring for this year, so I sent him an email.  He and SIL have a joint email.  I titled it "Easter" and asked what I could bring this year?  I sent it on Sunday and last night he replied "We are doing something else this year"  and signed their names.  I wrote back and said ok and have a nice time.

Now he sent me a text saying his wife is upset.  I put them on the spot.  They should not feel pressured to host and that I know full well our kids are older and don't hunt for eggs anymore so why would I assume!!

But after 12 years of doing the same thing, was I wrong to assume?  Do I need to apologize?

[Minmom3]

They should have been a bit more timely in telling the rest of the family that they wanted to do something different.  So, because they were tardy in that, you did put them on the spot.  However, you also didn't protest the change of plans at all, and said OK.  So, imo, it's all on them, and they can chill out and get over themselves.  Easter isn't so very far away, they can't have expected you to intuit that plans had changed, so they should have either expected some contact from you, or taken it upon themselves to let you know of the change. 

[lowspark]

Yeah, they probably could have at least let y'all know. But maybe you should have asked "are y'all hosting Easter again this year?" instead of just assuming.

My sister hosts Thanksgiving every year and I always host Passover. One year they decided to go out of town to visit her husband's family for TG instead. Serendipitously, we'd also made plans to go out of town to visit friends. In any case, she just let me know they weren't hosting that year. Since then, she either notifies me that they are hosting or, if the time comes around where I haven't heard yet, I ask her.

It's always a question though, not an assumption. You two are siblings, it doesn't have to be formal. It's just a matter of communication in a polite manner.

[Zilla]

I would write back pretty much what you wrote in your OP. 


I didn't mean to put you on the spot, we have been doing it for 12 years and wasn't aware this year would be any different.  It's truly not even an issue and enjoy your Easter. Love, Heartmug

[NyaChan]

I think you made a mistake in assuming.  When you did not receive an invitation for what is normally done at their house, I think you would have been okay to ask if they still wanted to host or if they were bowing out this year.  But just emailing and asking what you should bring was essentially inviting yourself over to their home and did put them in an awkward position.  I think you were wrong to assume and I would apologize, albeit briefly because I don't think it is that big of a deal. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot.  I didn't realize that you had different plans this year than we had done in the past."

[Zizi-K]

Since your SIL is upset, I would send a brief note of apology. I think the theatrics are a bit much - one cannot quite be "put on the spot" over email. She has all the time in the world to think it over and write back. Being "put on the spot" usually happens in person when you are forced to reply right in the moment. But in any case, a quick, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed you were hosting it. I can see how you might like to so something different after hosting for 12 years! It was always a great party. Have a great Easter and hope to see you soon!"

[heartmug]

I would write back pretty much what you wrote in your OP. 


I didn't mean to put you on the spot, we have been doing it for 12 years and wasn't aware this year would be any different.  It's truly not even an issue and enjoy your Easter. Love, Heartmug

That is good.  Thank you.  I will reply to his text.

[Sheila Take a Bow]

I think you made a mistake in assuming.  When you did not receive an invitation for what is normally done at their house, I think you would have been okay to ask if they still wanted to host or if they were bowing out this year.  But just emailing and asking what you should bring was essentially inviting yourself over to their home and did put them in an awkward position.  I think you were wrong to assume and I would apologize, albeit briefly because I don't think it is that big of a deal. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot.  I didn't realize that you had different plans this year than we had done in the past."

This.

I can see how your brother and SIL might not appreciate an email that came across like you were inviting yourself over, and that definitely assumed that they were hosting.

It would have been nice if they had let you know their plans had changed, but if they hadn't let you know about the plans yet that was probably a hint that they were done with Easter.

[GSNW]

The overreaction might have nothing to do with your email and more to do with the yearly hosting.  Maybe SIL feels like no one else ever steps up, everyone takes it for granted, bla bla... this was the year she was going to take a stand...! and then the assumptive email comes from you and she just loses it.  The short, compassionate apology others have suggested is fine as it certainly doesn't seem as though you meant any offense.

[CrochetFanatic]

Well, you're not mind-readers.  If they didn't tell people they were doing something different this year, how were you supposed to know?  Things tend to become ingrained if they stay the same for long enough.  Easter at their house has become a habit.

On the other hand, I can sort of see where they're coming from, too.  Hosting is a lot of work, and last year, when we wanted to do something different for the 4th of July, another family member got offended because we "always spend the 4th together".  Maybe assuming was a mistake, but if they didn't let anybody know, who could blame you? 

An apology would probably help, something along the lines of what other posters have said.  It sounds like you didn't mean anything by it, and it was just a miscommunication.

[Roe]

They should've let you know that they were planning to do something different.  I don't understand why they weren't upfront about the change in plans nor do I understand their drama.  It's not a big deal, you said as much.

Though you did assume they were hosting, yes, maybe you shouldn't have done that but this has been the plan for 12 years now so you aren't too blame and besides, this is your brother so I can see casually asking in an email w/o any ill intent so I'm not going to the blame on you so much as poor communication on their end.

Send a SHORT email apologizing and be done with it.  Don't let it bother you. It's not a big deal.

[violinp]

Were they expecting you to just intuit by ESP that they weren't doing it this year, after a tradition that's more than a decade old? That's just bizarre. 

[Sharnita]

Have they extended an actual invitation every year up until now?

[sammycat]

Were they expecting you to just intuit by ESP that they weren't doing it this year, after a tradition that's more than a decade old? That's just bizarre. 

Apparently. 

last night he replied "We are doing something else this year"  and signed their names.

I think that reply was rather cold, and, frankly, a  bit snotty. SIL's later text seems over the top.

I don't think OP owes B and SIL an apology for assuming something that has been set in stone for 12 years (at B/SIL's instigation) would also be happening again this year. However, if OP does feel compelled to do so, I like this response, as it gently points out to B/SIL that they're changing the status quo (which is fine), but they never actually expressed that to anyone.

I didn't mean to put you on the spot, we have been doing it for 12 years and wasn't aware this year would be any different.  It's truly not even an issue and enjoy your Easter. Love, Heartmug

[NyaChan]

On New Year's Day in 2000 my brother had a house warming party.  He was so excited to be a first time home owner.  It is a beautiful home with a large backyard.  Part of the backyard has these slopes to it.  When he and SIL were giving us a tour he said "Wouldn't this be a great place to have Easter?  All the great hiding places for an egg hunt."  I agreed and so did my siblings.  So every year since then he has hosted Easter.

Our kids are now teenagers but my sister has young ones.  I had not heard anything about time or what to bring for this year, so I sent him an email.  He and SIL have a joint email.  I titled it "Easter" and asked what I could bring this year?  I sent it on Sunday and last night he replied "We are doing something else this year"  and signed their names.  I wrote back and said ok and have a nice time.

Now he sent me a text saying his wife is upset.  I put them on the spot.  They should not feel pressured to host and that I know full well our kids are older and don't hunt for eggs anymore so why would I assume!!

But after 12 years of doing the same thing, was I wrong to assume?  Do I need to apologize?

That implies that normally they would contact you to actually set up the details of an event for Easter when they are hosting.  For them inviting you consists of contact about the event and talking about when/who is bringing what.  When they didn't do that, it was them not inviting you/letting you know an event wasn't happening.  You ended up contacting them precisely because you hadn't heard from them and that was different from the years when they did host.  Could they have been more explicit? Absolutely & I think they probably should have, but I think your assumption trumped that when you could have just as easily asked them whether they were hosting or not rather than just asking what you should bring.