I sent it on Sunday and last night he replied "We are doing something else this year" and signed their names. I wrote back and said ok and have a nice time.
Now he sent me a text saying his wife is upset. I put them on the spot. They should not feel pressured to host and that I know full well our kids are older and don't hunt for eggs anymore so why would I assume!!
But after 12 years of doing the same thing, was I wrong to assume? Do I need to apologize?
I truly don't think you did anything wrong and I really dislike these responses from your brother. The first one was curt enough, but the second was really off-putting.
"Putting someone on the spot" implies that they now feel forced to do something they don't want to, and that doesn't seem to be the case here. They obviously decided they don't want to host anymore and aren't going to. But they weren't going to tell anybody and expected you to automatically know that?
I can't be sure from your post, but I took you asking if you could bring anything to mean that you probably have dinner there, too. Easter is about more than egg hunts, plus you said your sister has small kids. So that part of your brother's rebuking really rubbed me the wrong way.
They certainly have the right not to host, but the considerate thing for them to do would have been to let you, Other Sister, and anyone else know this well in advance either directly or by dropping a hint: "We've decided not to have Easter at our house this year," or "We're thinking about going out to dinner this year for Easter. What are you guys planning?"
I think they know this and that's why they're lashing out at you like this.
We see the term "passive aggressive" used a lot when the behavior is really either just passive or just aggressive, but I think your brother and SIL really fit the bill here.
Imagine if they were members of E-hell or a similar forum, were planning on hosting this year as usual, and you hadn't contacted them to ask what you should bring, Or, if you'd emailed to "ask if" they were hosting.
If you felt you had to sit on your hands until they contacted you, we might be reading a post from them a day or two before Easter about how their Sister/SIL hasn't asked what she should bring this year. "Does that mean she's not coming and isn't going to tell us? Or she's just planning to come and not contribute anything? How dare she! "
Or, "Sis called and asked "if" we were having Easter at our house this year. What does she mean by "if"? She knows we always have it and our other sister has small kids, so we'd be having an egg hunt as usual. What is is she trying to imply here? I don't know if we've usually contacted her first in the past and that's why she's asking. But should we HAVE to contact her first all the time? Do we have to do everything...?"
I realize that Easter is more than two weeks away, so maybe they were working up the nerve to tell everyone, or picked a date when they planned to tell you they weren't hosting. Maybe that date was to be on the 15th, 21st, or whatever, and they felt "put on the spot" because you dared to approach them before their "secret" date they'd agreed upon.
But again, how were you to know that? You might have wanted to plan and do your shopping early for whatever dish you were bringing.
I think you were being considerate by asking and wish you a very happy Easter, however you decide to celebrate.