Author Topic: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails  (Read 10803 times)

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Roe

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #45 on: March 18, 2013, 08:54:41 AM »


I don't this is fair or accurate.  Nor do I think a weekly call = once in a while. One a week is, IMO, extraordinarily frequent.

I have a good relationship with my mom. My DH has a good relationship with his mom. Nothing is toxic in either of our families, we love our moms, we tell them important news, we always schedule time around the holidays with them, we take each mom out to lunch or dinner occasionally just for the heck of it, etc. But neither of us speaks to our moms more then once a month. And sometimes its might even be 5 or 6 weeks between.

My mom and MIL would both be calling the police if 56 weeks went between calls. I talk to my mother every day, DH talks to his mother every 2-3 days. Most of our friends are on similar schedules with their parents. DH's calls to his parents are not long, he checks in on how they are doing, they aks about us and DS and any news is shared and that is that. My mom and I are more chatty, often having several short conversations as things occur to us. My relationship with my mim is extremely close and I wouldn't judge based in that, but I think DH's relationship is fairly normal. I'd find it odd for a child not to check in with their parents at least once a week.

I wouldn't. My DH has a pretty standard relationship with his parents, but I'd estimate that they talk on the phone once a month - if that. I probably talk on the phone with my parents once a week or so, but 9 times out of 10 it's initiated by them. It'd be a lot rarer if they waited for me to check in. Not because I don't love them, I just wouldn't think of it.

I'd find it odd.  I realize everyone is different and people do what works for them but I've never known anyone who didn't check in with their parents more often than 5/6 weeks so yes, I'd find it extremely odd.  Even DH, who wasn't close with his parents, would call once every other week.  And when my oldest was living out of state, he checked in more than once a week. Again, I realize everyone is different but I do assume that once every 5/6 weeks isn't the norm.  Of course, now I'll get everyone on eHell responding that "nope, they check in once every 6wks!" ;)  Ha! 

Hmmmmm

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #46 on: March 18, 2013, 09:17:43 AM »
I see your son as self absorbed and immature. When I was in college, I called my parents weekly. Those phone calls were really for my parent's piece of mind and I did the calls becaue they were paying for college.

When I was 22 and graduated college and moved cross country, I still called my parents weekly or even more often. Those calls weren't for my parents piece of mind but for my to stay involved in their lives. I wanted to know how they were doing, what was going on in their lives, if they were healthly, how the extended family was doing, what my sisters were up to. I cared about my family and wanted to stay in touch just like I cared about my friends and wanted to stay in touch with them.

OP, I'd be hurt if one of my children had so little interest in his or her family that they wouldn't ever pick up the phone to say "Hey, just wanted to see how you were doing. Did Dad finally decide which car he wanted to buy?" Part of developing a mature relationship with your parents is moving away from all conversations being focused on the child to a more equal relationship where both sides interests are discussed.

MariaE

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #47 on: March 18, 2013, 09:20:52 AM »


I don't this is fair or accurate.  Nor do I think a weekly call = once in a while. One a week is, IMO, extraordinarily frequent.

I have a good relationship with my mom. My DH has a good relationship with his mom. Nothing is toxic in either of our families, we love our moms, we tell them important news, we always schedule time around the holidays with them, we take each mom out to lunch or dinner occasionally just for the heck of it, etc. But neither of us speaks to our moms more then once a month. And sometimes its might even be 5 or 6 weeks between.

My mom and MIL would both be calling the police if 56 weeks went between calls. I talk to my mother every day, DH talks to his mother every 2-3 days. Most of our friends are on similar schedules with their parents. DH's calls to his parents are not long, he checks in on how they are doing, they aks about us and DS and any news is shared and that is that. My mom and I are more chatty, often having several short conversations as things occur to us. My relationship with my mim is extremely close and I wouldn't judge based in that, but I think DH's relationship is fairly normal. I'd find it odd for a child not to check in with their parents at least once a week.

I wouldn't. My DH has a pretty standard relationship with his parents, but I'd estimate that they talk on the phone once a month - if that. I probably talk on the phone with my parents once a week or so, but 9 times out of 10 it's initiated by them. It'd be a lot rarer if they waited for me to check in. Not because I don't love them, I just wouldn't think of it.

I'd find it odd.  I realize everyone is different and people do what works for them but I've never known anyone who didn't check in with their parents more often than 5/6 weeks so yes, I'd find it extremely odd.  Even DH, who wasn't close with his parents, would call once every other week.  And when my oldest was living out of state, he checked in more than once a week. Again, I realize everyone is different but I do assume that once every 5/6 weeks isn't the norm.  Of course, now I'll get everyone on eHell responding that "nope, they check in once every 6wks!" ;)  Ha!

That wasn't what I commented on though. LadyR wrote that she'd find it odd not to check in at least once a week. There's a huge difference between at least once a week and once every 5/6 weeks. I still wouldn't find 5/6 weeks odd (I think it's probably something like that for my DH), but I think it is definitely rare.
 
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Shoo

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #48 on: March 18, 2013, 09:53:48 AM »
I wanted to know how they were doing, what was going on in their lives, if they were healthly, how the extended family was doing, what my sisters were up to. I cared about my family and wanted to stay in touch just like I cared about my friends and wanted to stay in touch with them.

OP, I'd be hurt if one of my children had so little interest in his or her family that they wouldn't ever pick up the phone to say "Hey, just wanted to see how you were doing. Did Dad finally decide which car he wanted to buy?" Part of developing a mature relationship with your parents is moving away from all conversations being focused on the child to a more equal relationship where both sides interests are discussed.

I couldn't agree more.  I would be devastated if my child cared so little about me that she wouldn't WANT to ever talk to me. 

I was as independent as they come after I left home.  But I still loved my parents and wanted to know what they were up to, and fill them in on what I was up to.  I didn't call them every day, and they didn't call me every day, but I was never out of touch with them.  Never. 
« Last Edit: March 18, 2013, 09:55:37 AM by Shoo »

*inviteseller

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #49 on: March 18, 2013, 11:10:46 AM »
O.K., I am going to play devils advocate here.  What if there was (and there has been) a letter from the son here saying he and his mom had some tension in their lives, he moved to take a unpaid internship which is stressful and his mom is calling constantly and he is trying to set boundaries.  He is talking with her partner occasionally so everyone knows he is ok, but he wishes she would respect his wishes to not have contact now until he figures out his life.  What would we say to that?  Would we tell him, no talk to her ?  Because we have other threads about this from that point of view and the advice was to set boundaries.   

Hmmmmm

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #50 on: March 18, 2013, 11:42:53 AM »
O.K., I am going to play devils advocate here.  What if there was (and there has been) a letter from the son here saying he and his mom had some tension in their lives, he moved to take a unpaid internship which is stressful and his mom is calling constantly and he is trying to set boundaries.  He is talking with her partner occasionally so everyone knows he is ok, but he wishes she would respect his wishes to not have contact now until he figures out his life.  What would we say to that?  Would we tell him, no talk to her ?  Because we have other threads about this from that point of view and the advice was to set boundaries.

There is nothing in the OP to imply the mom is calling or texting constantly.  And tension around doing household chores within a family is pretty normal and not something I would expect a mature adult would see as cause to cut contact over.

But my advice to someone who posted what you did would be to clearly communicate to his mom the need to elliminate direct contact for the near future.

Auntie Mame

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #51 on: March 18, 2013, 12:22:47 PM »
Interesting.  Once a month or so is about as often as I check in with my folks.  Guess I'm self absorbed and immature.  Okeedokee.
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Moray

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #52 on: March 18, 2013, 12:26:00 PM »
Interesting.  Once a month or so is about as often as I check in with my folks.  Guess I'm self absorbed and immature.  Okeedokee.

Guess I am, too.
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nuit93

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #53 on: March 18, 2013, 12:28:26 PM »
Interesting.  Once a month or so is about as often as I check in with my folks.  Guess I'm self absorbed and immature.  Okeedokee.

I talk to my mom maybe 2-3 times a month, we really don't have much to talk about since we have...nothing in common.

I call my dad every other month or so, since it's international long-distance. 

Cami

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #54 on: March 18, 2013, 12:47:58 PM »


I don't this is fair or accurate.  Nor do I think a weekly call = once in a while. One a week is, IMO, extraordinarily frequent.

I have a good relationship with my mom. My DH has a good relationship with his mom. Nothing is toxic in either of our families, we love our moms, we tell them important news, we always schedule time around the holidays with them, we take each mom out to lunch or dinner occasionally just for the heck of it, etc. But neither of us speaks to our moms more then once a month. And sometimes its might even be 5 or 6 weeks between.

My mom and MIL would both be calling the police if 56 weeks went between calls. I talk to my mother every day, DH talks to his mother every 2-3 days. Most of our friends are on similar schedules with their parents. DH's calls to his parents are not long, he checks in on how they are doing, they aks about us and DS and any news is shared and that is that. My mom and I are more chatty, often having several short conversations as things occur to us. My relationship with my mim is extremely close and I wouldn't judge based in that, but I think DH's relationship is fairly normal. I'd find it odd for a child not to check in with their parents at least once a week.

I wouldn't. My DH has a pretty standard relationship with his parents, but I'd estimate that they talk on the phone once a month - if that. I probably talk on the phone with my parents once a week or so, but 9 times out of 10 it's initiated by them. It'd be a lot rarer if they waited for me to check in. Not because I don't love them, I just wouldn't think of it.
If my kid told me that she never thinks of contacting me, that would tell me a lot about our relationship.  None of it good.

Roe

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #55 on: March 18, 2013, 01:11:30 PM »
Interesting.  Once a month or so is about as often as I check in with my folks.  Guess I'm self absorbed and immature.  Okeedokee.

So do you refuse to respond to your parents texts?  Even with a simple 'yes' or 'no'?

Auntie Mame

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #56 on: March 18, 2013, 01:13:21 PM »
Interesting.  Once a month or so is about as often as I check in with my folks.  Guess I'm self absorbed and immature.  Okeedokee.

So you refuse to respond to your parents texts?  Even with a simple 'yes' or 'no'?

Since they don't call or text constantly, I have no idea how that question is relevant.
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LeveeWoman

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Re: Child won't return phone calls, texts or emails
« Reply #57 on: March 18, 2013, 01:18:25 PM »
Where does SherylJane say she texts or calls constantly?