Author Topic: In Laws and Family Event  (Read 8852 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

ladyknight1

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8338
  • Operating the logic hammer since 1987.
Re: In Laws and Family Event
« Reply #45 on: March 17, 2013, 07:41:18 PM »
One thing that really helped my DH to not get taken advantage of by his FOO:  Every time a "favor" is asked he says, "I have to talk it over with Cheyne, we'll get back to you."  We discuss it, he tells me his true feelings about the favor, and if the answer is "yes" Dh calls the requester back.  If the answer is "no" I call back.  When DH tries to answer "no" he ends-up JADE-ing and getting guilt tripped so he caves.

I know most posters here think that each spouse should deal with their own side of the family, but doing it this way works for us.

ETA: Edited because I do know the difference between "this" and "that".

This is a very good suggestion, I think.

For the first fifteen years or so of our marriage, whenever my wife's relatives would call her and invite us to do something with them (usually on only 24 or 48 hours notice), my wife would almost always accept their invitations immediately (without checking with me), even if she and I had already made other plans together.  Then I could choose to stay home by myself or go to my wife's family's activity with my wife.

I saw that behavior as my wife declaring that whatever her family suggested was far more important than whatever she had already agreed to do with her husband.  My wife, on the other hand thought that since she lived with me every day and only got to see her relatives three or four times a month, she was already paying far more attention to me than to her relatives.  She felt like she had to say yes to their invitations.

One time I actually overheard a phone call where she was starting to agree that we'd all attend a cousin's child's birthday party the very next afternoon.  I know I was rude to interrupt her, but that very same next afternoon we were supposed to attend a cub scout field trip with our own son - a field trip where my wife had insisted the cub scouts change the date so my wife could attend, too.  My wife was so focused on having to say yes to her family... I interrupted her and said excuse me, but you got the cub scouts to change the date of the field trip to accommodate you, so I think it would be very wrong of you to not attend the cub scout trip tomorrow.  That one time my wife said no to her cousin. 

Finally, after about fifteen years of this, my wife agreed to make one change in her behavior.  She agreed to start responding to their last-minute invitations by saying, "That sounds nice, but I need to talk with Snappy first and then I'll call you right back."  That gave me a chance to remind her of things we had already planned to do, and sometimes she would actually call her relatives back and tell them, "I'm sorry, but Snappy reminded me that I'd already promised to do ___ with him tomorrow, so I can't come to your house then."

Guess how her relatives responded to her change in behavior - they started calling her a week or two in advance, instead of a day or two ahead of time.  I certainly was a lot happier.

So, I suggest that you see if your husband will agree to start saying, "I'll talk with my wife and get back to you." to his relatives.

Good luck!

I was just wanting to point out that it can be difficult for someone used to flexing when family says "boo", but I got to the point of saying "I/We have other plans" without justification.

fluffy

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 609
Re: In Laws and Family Event
« Reply #46 on: March 17, 2013, 09:17:16 PM »
My husband's coworkers are so used to him running off-hours work by me that now they say "Can you ask fluffy if you're available to work on Sunday?"

:D

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 31738
Re: In Laws and Family Event
« Reply #47 on: March 17, 2013, 10:22:14 PM »
If someone is worried that they might look like their spouse "runs them" or "wears the pants," they can say, "Spouse keeps the calendar" instead of "I have to check w/ Spouse."

Or just say, "I need to check my calendar." Feel free to add, "I can never remember on the spot."

kudeebee

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2230
Re: In Laws and Family Event
« Reply #48 on: March 18, 2013, 01:04:25 AM »
If someone is worried that they might look like their spouse "runs them" or "wears the pants," they can say, "Spouse keeps the calendar" instead of "I have to check w/ Spouse."

Or just say, "I need to check my our calendar." Feel free to add, "I can never remember on the spot."

This is what dh and I always say.  Gives us time to talk things over if needed before we give an answer.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 31738
Re: In Laws and Family Event
« Reply #49 on: March 19, 2013, 07:26:03 PM »
You're right--"our" calendar. (that is actually what I say in real life--my bad! thanks for fixing)

I actually believe that anytime you are in a relationship w/ someone else, this is absolutely what you should say right away every time you receive an invitation. Period. Required.

Minmom3

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2462
Re: In Laws and Family Event
« Reply #50 on: March 19, 2013, 09:20:09 PM »
If you want that consideration given to you by your partner, then you (generically speaking!) need to do the same for your partner.  No unilateral decisions...  At least, not big ones.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....