do you think she's being a bridezilla?

[NyaChan]

I suppose this is more of a general statement than one only directed to this situation, but I simply don't get why people agree to stand up for people who they don't seem to like or why couples ask people to be in their wedding party who they don't have a good relationship with. 

Here, it seems like OP thinks she is doing the bride a huge favor by being a part of this wedding.  I can't tell from here obviously, but I'm wondering if the bride doesn't think the same from her point of view - that she is somehow doing the OP a huge favor by including her in the wedding.  I would have declined from the start, politely and kindly, but still, a no.

[SiotehCat]

I still don't think the bride is being a bridezilla. She picked the dress over two months ago.

I think the way the bride is communicating isnt perhaps the best, and it sucks that she changed dresses on you after you'd already gone to such trouble to try it on. I do understand though why she would be panicking a little about not having the dress ordered yet.  for my late june wedding we started shopping in november because things can take ages to come in, and for june if there are alterations needed the months leading up to it were prime prom season, I had to have my wedding dress in alterations starting april 1.  When I was in my friends wedding last year we ordered dresses in June for October, and thank god we did, as after 8 weeks, my dress came in wrong. If we hadnt had that buffer we would have been screwed. ( the dresses came in later than we'd been promised, and then I had to fight with the owner to prove that she'd ordered me the wrong dress).

Even though she did give you a later deadline, I can see why all of this would be playing on her mind, and stressing her out. Again though , I do think she's communicating it to you badly.

I agree with this.

I can see why she would want to cross this off her list of things that needs to be done. So many things can go wrong when ordering dresses online.

[MerryCat]

I still don't think the bride is being a bridezilla. She picked the dress over two months ago.

I think the way the bride is communicating isnt perhaps the best, and it sucks that she changed dresses on you after you'd already gone to such trouble to try it on. I do understand though why she would be panicking a little about not having the dress ordered yet.  for my late june wedding we started shopping in november because things can take ages to come in, and for june if there are alterations needed the months leading up to it were prime prom season, I had to have my wedding dress in alterations starting april 1.  When I was in my friends wedding last year we ordered dresses in June for October, and thank god we did, as after 8 weeks, my dress came in wrong. If we hadnt had that buffer we would have been screwed. ( the dresses came in later than we'd been promised, and then I had to fight with the owner to prove that she'd ordered me the wrong dress).

Even though she did give you a later deadline, I can see why all of this would be playing on her mind, and stressing her out. Again though , I do think she's communicating it to you badly.

I agree with this.

I can see why she would want to cross this off her list of things that needs to be done. So many things can go wrong when ordering dresses online.

Yes, but the bride gave the OP a deadline of April 30th. It's not even the middle of March yet, so OP is not late. If the bride wanted it done sooner she should have said so to start with.

Suddenly switching deadlines on someone and being mad with them for not meeting the new deadline is, in my opnion, pretty darn SS.

[Hmmmmm]

I still don't think the bride is being a bridezilla. She picked the dress over two months ago.

I think the way the bride is communicating isnt perhaps the best, and it sucks that she changed dresses on you after you'd already gone to such trouble to try it on. I do understand though why she would be panicking a little about not having the dress ordered yet.  for my late june wedding we started shopping in november because things can take ages to come in, and for june if there are alterations needed the months leading up to it were prime prom season, I had to have my wedding dress in alterations starting april 1.  When I was in my friends wedding last year we ordered dresses in June for October, and thank god we did, as after 8 weeks, my dress came in wrong. If we hadnt had that buffer we would have been screwed. ( the dresses came in later than we'd been promised, and then I had to fight with the owner to prove that she'd ordered me the wrong dress).

Even though she did give you a later deadline, I can see why all of this would be playing on her mind, and stressing her out. Again though , I do think she's communicating it to you badly.

I agree with this.

I can see why she would want to cross this off her list of things that needs to be done. So many things can go wrong when ordering dresses online.

Yes, but the bride gave the OP a deadline of April 30th. It's not even the middle of March yet, so OP is not late. If the bride wanted it done sooner she should have said so to start with.

Suddenly switching deadlines on someone and being mad with them for not meeting the new deadline is, in my opnion, pretty darn SS.

The bride does sound like a zilla.  But to clarify, based on the OP, the bride gave the groom until April 30th to order his tux. 

It sounds to me that the bride expected the bridesmaids to immediately order their dresses once she sent them the link.  The OP replied and said she'd order it "this month".  The OP wasn't clear that she meant she would order it at the END of the month.  I can't tell if the OP told the bride that she planned to order it on the 25th or not.  If she didn't then I can understand why the bride feels like the OP is just dragging her heels. 

OP, I think it would probably be best if you suggested dropping out of the wedding party. I understand accepting the role of a BM in support of your DH's friend.  It's sort of like being a BM in your brother's wedding even if you don't know the bride very well. But I think there is so much hostility between the two of you that it would continue to fester. And as a bride I'd really prefer to not have a BM who acknowledges, even privately to her DH only, that she didn't like me. 

[Oh Joy]

I agree that she has been neither a consistent nor an effective communicator through this process, but I wouldn't go as far as to call her a bridezilla.  You and she, I believe, are managing the countless everchanging details of wedding planning and life in general the best you can.

That said, it's interesting how you went from "so I said yes, and thanked her for thinking of me.  I immediatly told her that anything I could do to help with the planning process would be my pleasure," to "I told dh he needs to stand up for me.  I'll be in her wedding but she needs to calm down and stop being so bossy." and "I texted her and told her that I will be getting my dress this month as previously stated and further said weddings are stressful enough regarding the little things and there is no need to micromanage adults..."

It sounds like you're feeling pretty adversarial.  I do wish you the best in managing the rest of this event with courtesy and grace, regardless of whether the bride accomplishes the same.

[GreenBird]

I would reply "I am unable to order the dress until I get paid on the 25th. If you need me to step down I understand. Let me know what you'd like me to do."

It's okay that she wants to get things done asap, and it's okay that you can't afford to do them when she wants. It may not work out for you to be a bridesmaid and it's better to find out now rather than after you've invested money.

I strongly second JenJay's suggestion.  Offer to step down now if she wants you to, before the dress is ordered and before any more time passes. 

In fact, you could say that as it turns out, you can't really afford both the dress and the tux, so you're going to bow out so DH can be in the wedding.  Things are not going to get easier as the wedding gets closer, they're going to get harder, so take this opportunity to get out now. 

[Sharnita]

I tend to think of a bridezilla as somebody who goes crazy when they get married and lose all the manners they formally had.  This girl sounds like she was lacking manners before the wedding became an issue.  She inulted you and your art before there were wedding issues. So she is a garden variety brat but there were warning signs before you agreed to be in the wedding.  I would do my best to get through it and then pull back from the "friendship" as much as possible,

[katycoo]

Bride's stress.  It just happens.

You can help her by giving her detail.  She's worried you'll forget or just won't do it.  If you can give her information and reasons, you'll relieve her worries "Bride, I get paid on teh 25th, so I've marked my diary to order it that day.  I'd like to do it earlier, but I need to wait unti the money is there.  I'll text you to confirm as soon as its done."  Then do so.

I know its frustrating, but you can help by not leaving her hanging.

Aside - I don't know why you agreed to stand up for her when you plainly don't like her.

[Kaypeep]

I tend to think of a bridezilla as somebody who goes crazy when they get married and lose all the manners they formally had.  This girl sounds like she was lacking manners before the wedding became an issue.  She inulted you and your art before there were wedding issues. So she is a garden variety brat but there were warning signs before you agreed to be in the wedding.  I would do my best to get through it and then pull back from the "friendship" as much as possible,

This is how I see it as well.  But I understand the OP being a bit conflicted because she wouldn't want anything she does to affect her DH's friendship, which is the primary friendship here.  It's tough.  I would bow out, but then again I declined being a BM in my brother's wedding because I hate BWWs and had already been a BM twice for good friends and it was very stressful and frustrating.  I did not want my negative feelings about being a BM to be interpreted as a dislike for the bride (who I did not know very well.)  I declined being a BM and offered to participate in some other way if they wanted.  I ended up doing a reading at the ceremony and was very happy.  My sister ended up a BM though and I watched her get bossed around by SIL's MOH and MOB and had to wear a very ugly dress that was not flattering at all.  I never regretted not being part of that bridal party.  My SIL has since learned that being a BM doesn't prove my loyalty to her. I'm the only family member who was not in the bridal party, but over a decade later I'm the only family member that she can count on for help with life and to be a close aunt who actually engages with her kids.

[Jenny13]

At this point DH and I are waiting to hear back from the "blushing bride" and our friend.  He asked if he could give DH a call yesterday but has not called. I'm not sure if they will ask me to bow out or not. I'm ok if they do that.  I really should have thought about my answer before telling her yes.  We do in fact have tension in our relationship with each other and I'm not even sure where it stems from.  She has a gimme type of attitude and gives off the impression that she's better than others.
To put her personality into more perspective for everyone, she is not even inviting her future MIL to the bridal shower because she has a "slight" mental illness and when I say slight, I  mean she would be perfectly behaved at the shower but still "Annie" does not want to deal with that.  DH and I were asked to never mention the shower to his mother as she is not invited.  DH's friend was also raised by his grandmother (who is also technically future MIL) and her last name is "Williams" however, DH's friends still has his legal last name of his fathers which is ethnic to his cultural background.  "Annie" has decided that she does not want to carry his ethnic name and is making him change his name legally to "williams" before the wedding.

I checked on the dress yesterday, It is available in the color I need in all sizes and arrives to my home in 10 day's...there are no issues.  The issue I have with her right now is that I told her this month I would order it, she agreed so why send a text two day's later telling me by Friday it HAS to be ordered.  I myself planned a wedding...I understand the stress trust me! I had worse bm's then me..I don't think I'm being difficult. She gave me a time limit and I'm following it! She's trying to control every aspect, and why shouldn't she? It's her wedding, I totally agree! But she is putting friendships on the line for no reason.  We have been friends for year's Dh and our friend, he of all people should know that I will come through...we have never done anything to make them think any less. We are all adults..she should be worrying about the small details, honestly.

[Morticia]

"Annie" has decided that she does not want to carry his ethnic name and is making him change his name legally to "williams" before the wedding.

Okay, that's a bridezilla.

[SiotehCat]

None of the new information that has been presented is any of the OPs business though. Those are all between the Bride and her future husband.

[Aeris]

None of the new information that has been presented is any of the OPs business though. Those are all between the Bride and her future husband.

Except for the fact that she clarified that she is not, in fact, 'late' in ordering the dress. At all.

[SiotehCat]

None of the new information that has been presented is any of the OPs business though. Those are all between the Bride and her future husband.

Except for the fact that she clarified that she is not, in fact, 'late' in ordering the dress. At all.

I was talking about the Mil situation and the groom changing his last name. Those are all between the bride and her future husband.

[NyaChan]

She may well be a bridezilla, but it sounds like she was always like this - it wasn't as if she surprised you with a hidden side of her.  Better to have declined from the start, this extra information just isn't relevant IMO.  She's being a bit controlling over the dates - I don't consider that bridezilla since if it was someone you liked, I think you wouldn't be as irritated as you could perhaps communicate about the issue more easily and resolve it. 

The problem here is that the bride asked someone she doesn't really like, and you - who don't really like her - accepted.  If they don't ask you to bow out, you might consider bowing out yourself so that you don't have to deal with her anymore in this context.  No point in making yourself unhappy for someone you don't care for.