Voicemail etiquette

[WillyNilly]

That's was my point - the people I communicate with regularly are the people whom prefer to communicate in ways similar to my preferences.

Good.  So what's the problem?

I don't understand your question. This is an on-going discussion. I'm not voicing a problem or complaint, I'm merely participating. You brought up a point, I addressed it and gave an explanation.

[oceanus]

Well, I'm glad we've got that cleared up.

[bah12]

Unless these are co-workers who have to put up with each other's methods of communication, I honestly don't see how these are  "a group of 4 people who communicate fairly regularly". And if they are co-workers, well at work, you suck it up and you communicate as your employer instructs you to, even if its a method you hate.

My best friend and I are so close because we communicate similarly. My DH and I worked as a couple because we communicate similarly. The family members I have who communicate similarly to me are the ones I'm closest to these days, even if 15-20 years ago things might have been different.

I have friends and family who are phone people, and i don't shun them or hate them or anything. But the reality is I am not. I don't use VM and I don't initial calls (or leave VMs) unless I have no other choice. So I end up not being as close to the phone folks. And its not just because of me, on my end. They all have computers and as far as I know they all have texting. They are also choosing to not text, use email, or use Facebook messenger, just as much as I'm choosing to not use phoning & VM. And the reality is the relationships begin to fade a bit or they never really form well to begin with.

And the reality is I do use plenty of forms of communication regularly. I check my email multiple times a day, from my computer or from my cell, I also check my Facebook at least once if not 4 times a day, from my computer or via my cell - and I can check from any internet connected computer really. I check my cell daily, usually a few times. And I will answer my phone if i hear it ringing and I'm available to speak. So its not like its hard to get a hold of me, to get me a message or to get an answer from me, or have a chat with me despite me not using VM. So if someone insisted on using VM, despite my outgoing message asking to please not leave one, and despite the fact that it usually takes me days to listen to the VM if I do at all (I would probably just call back "I saw I missed your call, whats up?"), then yeah, messages will get lost and the friendship won't thrive. In some ways its sad, but in others it just practical.

I think the friendships should fade.  It makes sense that you'd form closer relationships to those that can conform to your style of communication.  But, I don't think it's rude not to.  Your disdain for VM, and refusal to use it, is absolutely your prerogative.  If you don't think it's rude for you to tell these potential friends that they either hang up the phone and text you when you don't answer or lose you as a friend, I don't think it's rude for them to say "That's a complete inconvenience for me.  I don't want to have to push several more buttons and take up a several more seconds to leave you a message, simply to save you the trouble of spending a few seconds typing in a password.  This friendship isn't worth it."  (And if listening to a ten second message is so over the top painful, that doesn't say much for the conversation you would have had, had you answered the phone).

For me, that type of friendship, where one is so picky about which of the many options of leaving a message is used, is too high maintenance for me to even attempt to maintain.  I think it's more rude to insist that your "friends" conform to your preferences and yet not be willing to budge an inch and listen to a VM when they already went through the trouble of trying to call you.

Yet, I do understand that relationships with people who communicate the way you do are formed naturally.  I'm just not going to say that it's rude to leave a VM just because you don't like it.

Again, I find this thread very similar to the reading a text vs. reading an email thread.  And I think, for me, the conclusion of this one is the same as that.  It's not rude for people to choose a form of communication that is common and readily available to try to communicate with you.  If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to communicate that way, then don't.  Yes, those people will likely feel that it isn't worth the extra effort to get a message across to you and will stop trying.  Those relationships will fail.  It's not their fault and they are not rude because that happened.  It's a consequence of your own behavior pattern that caused it. 

[Coley]

A couple of months ago, one of DS's teachers told DS to have me call her. I did. I called the school phone number, was transferred to her classroom phone, and I got her VM. The outgoing message told me that she rarely checks that phone for messages, so callers shouldn't leave one. She didn't suggest an alternate method to reach her. Hmm ...

Given that she asked me to call her, I decided to leave a message. And then because I couldn't be sure that she'd check the messages, I looked up her e-mail address and also e-mailed her. I don't like leaving duplicate messages, but I wasn't sure what else to do. I'm guessing that the alternative would have been for me to call and call and call without leaving a VM in the hope that she might answer. Either way, reaching her required extra time and effort on my part.

I don't feel responsibility for any annoyance she might have felt about having to check her VM to delete my message. If she wants to avoid VM, then she a) shouldn't tell people to call her, and b) should include an alternate means to reach her in her outgoing VM message.

[WillyNilly]

A couple of months ago, one of DS's teachers told DS to have me call her. I did. I called the school phone number, was transferred to her classroom phone, and I got her VM. The outgoing message told me that she rarely checks that phone for messages, so callers shouldn't leave one. She didn't suggest an alternate method to reach her. Hmm ...

Given that she asked me to call her, I decided to leave a message. And then because I couldn't be sure that she'd check the messages, I looked up her e-mail address and also e-mailed her. I don't like leaving duplicate messages, but I wasn't sure what else to do. I'm guessing that the alternative would have been for me to call and call and call without leaving a VM in the hope that she might answer. Either way, reaching her required extra time and effort on my part.

I don't feel responsibility for any annoyance she might have felt about having to check her VM to delete my message. If she wants to avoid VM, then she a) shouldn't tell people to call her, and b) should include an alternate means to reach her in her outgoing VM message.

Well of course you have a point there! The teacher was ridiculous to ask you to call and then ave a message essentially saying calling wasn't the best method to get her a message. She should have either asked you to call at a specific time (when she's available to answer/see caller ID) or asked to you contact her in someway she would get a message ("please email me at teacher@school.edu").

I hate VM, but I also don't initiate communication by calling unless I have to, nor do I ask people to call me.
A person has to take some responsibility for their preferences!

[MyFamily]

Also, in my earlier post I meant to also use the example of DVRs – one has to navigate various steps and punch various commands in order to record a program or even to watch a movie.  Not my favorite thing to do, but it doesn’t annoy me enough to get rid of mine.

I’m still not understanding why vm is such a problem for some people.

When I navigate through menus on my dvr or a favorite message board, I am rewarded (usually) with interesting content. Listening to vm is usually tedious and boring and often generates work or anxiety. There just is not he same payoff to vm that there is with a dvr, etc

I don't understand - if you want me to send you the message via text or email, how is that not also going to be a tedious email that bores you and isn't going to generate the same work or anxiety?  I can leave a voice mail message that says "I need to talk to you about X"; I can email you a message that says "I need to talk to you about X" or i can text you a message that says "I need to talk to you about X" but in the end, I still need to talk to you about X and, assuming that X is important to you, you also need to talk to me about X.  Same work being generated, no matter the method of how the message was sent.

And I'm just going to say it - and this isn't directed at one specific poster, but life sometimes is tedious and boring.  We are not all here to keep your life exciting and entertaining; sometimes, I need to leave an unboring message "hey, DH, can you please stop for milk on your way home" is not the most exciting message in the world, but we need milk and he needs to stop and pick it up. 

I should also add, I am also not fond of voice mail, but I'm never upset with someone for leaving me a message - I give them the option of reaching me via this method, and I figure my issues with voice mail are my issues and I'm not so special to be put out when the rest of the world doesn't conform to my likes and dislikes.

[turnip]

Like some others, I'm astonished that anyone would ever find a voicemail rude, unless it is left after a message clearly stating "Please don't leave me a voice mail.".


I would find it very rude if someone called me, didn't get me, but didn't leave a voicemail assuming that I am just going to call them back anyway.   If I see you in my call logs but you don't leave a message, I'm going to assume you changed your mind/answered your own questions/solved your own problem, and I'm going to leave you alone.  If you later contacted me and said "Why didn't you call me back?" I'd think you were pretty presumptuous. 

[MariaE]

Like some others, I'm astonished that anyone would ever find a voicemail rude, unless it is left after a message clearly stating "Please don't leave me a voice mail.".


I would find it very rude if someone called me, didn't get me, but didn't leave a voicemail assuming that I am just going to call them back anyway.   If I see you in my call logs but you don't leave a message, I'm going to assume you changed your mind/answered your own questions/solved your own problem, and I'm going to leave you alone.  If you later contacted me and said "Why didn't you call me back?" I'd think you were pretty presumptuous.

I don't like VMs and even I agree with you there. Voice mails are a necessary evil, I'll leave them myself if I have to, and I certainly won't think anybody rude for leaving one for me - even if I'd prefer they didn't.

Besides, I prefer voice mails to having somebody call me over and over and over and over and... That just drives me insane. The worst is people who do both though. Call me over and over and leave a VM each time. Microsoft Support, I'm looking at you here!

[Winterlight]

There are many things in this world that I am personally annoyed and inconvenienced by.  That doesn't make them rude.

If you hate VM and leave an outgoing message that states you don't want the caller to leave a VM, then I would agree it would be pretty dumb to leave you a VM thinking it's going to result in a call back.  At the same time, it's a little bit much to expect that every caller must automatically conform to your preferred method of message-leaving.  While I can probably cut someone some slack in a personal setting (I may not leave a VM, but if it's too hard to get a message to you, I'll probably stop trying), in a business setting I would go as far as saying that it's unprofessional to insist that no one leave you a VM and try another method of contact instead.  VM is a pretty standard form of leaving a message...similar to the discussion we had about those that don't want to read text messages and preferred to have friends email.  Everyone is definitely entitled to their preferences, but the negative consequences of insisting that your friends/business contacts conform to your preference are your fault...not theirs.  Not to mention it seems almost like elevating oneself to some sort of special status "I hate VM, so everyone, please make note and don't bother me with your messages."

What you said.

I don't particularly like voicemail or texting. I'd rather people communicate with me by carrier pigeon- at least you have a pretty bird to pet instead of an annoying phone that shrieks at me.

[citadelle]

Also, in my earlier post I meant to also use the example of DVRs – one has to navigate various steps and punch various commands in order to record a program or even to watch a movie.  Not my favorite thing to do, but it doesn’t annoy me enough to get rid of mine.

I’m still not understanding why vm is such a problem for some people.

When I navigate through menus on my dvr or a favorite message board, I am rewarded (usually) with interesting content. Listening to vm is usually tedious and boring and often generates work or anxiety. There just is not he same payoff to vm that there is with a dvr, etc

I don't understand - if you want me to send you the message via text or email, how is that not also going to be a tedious email that bores you and isn't going to generate the same work or anxiety?  I can leave a voice mail message that says "I need to talk to you about X"; I can email you a message that says "I need to talk to you about X" or i can text you a message that says "I need to talk to you about X" but in the end, I still need to talk to you about X and, assuming that X is important to you, you also need to talk to me about X.  Same work being generated, no matter the method of how the message was sent.

And I'm just going to say it - and this isn't directed at one specific poster, but life sometimes is tedious and boring.  We are not all here to keep your life exciting and entertaining; sometimes, I need to leave an unboring message "hey, DH, can you please stop for milk on your way home" is not the most exciting message in the world, but we need milk and he needs to stop and pick it up. 

I should also add, I am also not fond of voice mail, but I'm never upset with someone for leaving me a message - I give them the option of reaching me via this method, and I figure my issues with voice mail are my issues and I'm not so special to be put out when the rest of the world doesn't conform to my likes and dislikes.

I would not be upset with someone for leaving a message. However, I probably wouldn't listen to it. I would see on my missed calls that this person had called, and call them back. Which is probably what I'd do after listening to the voice mail anyway. So I cut out that middle step.

[bloo]

Also, in my earlier post I meant to also use the example of DVRs – one has to navigate various steps and punch various commands in order to record a program or even to watch a movie.  Not my favorite thing to do, but it doesn’t annoy me enough to get rid of mine.

I’m still not understanding why vm is such a problem for some people.

When I navigate through menus on my dvr or a favorite message board, I am rewarded (usually) with interesting content. Listening to vm is usually tedious and boring and often generates work or anxiety. There just is not he same payoff to vm that there is with a dvr, etc

I don't understand - if you want me to send you the message via text or email, how is that not also going to be a tedious email that bores you and isn't going to generate the same work or anxiety?  I can leave a voice mail message that says "I need to talk to you about X"; I can email you a message that says "I need to talk to you about X" or i can text you a message that says "I need to talk to you about X" but in the end, I still need to talk to you about X and, assuming that X is important to you, you also need to talk to me about X.  Same work being generated, no matter the method of how the message was sent.

And I'm just going to say it - and this isn't directed at one specific poster, but life sometimes is tedious and boring.  We are not all here to keep your life exciting and entertaining; sometimes, I need to leave an unboring message "hey, DH, can you please stop for milk on your way home" is not the most exciting message in the world, but we need milk and he needs to stop and pick it up. 

I should also add, I am also not fond of voice mail, but I'm never upset with someone for leaving me a message - I give them the option of reaching me via this method, and I figure my issues with voice mail are my issues and I'm not so special to be put out when the rest of the world doesn't conform to my likes and dislikes.

I'm with MariaE in that I see VM as a necessary evil. I hate it but I must deal with it. I'd much prefer a 'tedious and boring' email or text as that is easier to glean needed information and respond accordingly.

I live in an active home with members coming in and out and talking and laughing and doing stuff. We'll have music or MP3 of some article going on in the background while we work/hangout. An email or a text can be easily checked without calling a halt to everything, whereas a phone call means 'Everybody shut up and turn off the music/MP3/whatever!'

Same for if I'm checking VM and have to write down information. Or I have to wait to do something about VM or to return phone calls when things are quieter. Since clients call at our home, we usually try to answer the phone unless Caller ID informs us it's a likely telemarketer.

I have no problem whatsoever that people have preferred communication styles. I have my preferences but life has determined that I have to suck it up and deal with it anyway. Like Sharnita, I've noticed that some friends and family have preferences and I try to remember them but, honestly, none of my friends/family expects me to.

No one I know would say, 'I can't believe you're one of the people clogging up my VM!' I've just noticed that there are some who don't call me back but will text me. Or won't answer a call but will text me. Or call when they KNOW I am not at home and leave a message (I'm looking at you Big Brother ). 

[onikenbai]

I do wish I could ban certain people from voice mail.  I have this one doctor that keeps calling my cell four or five times in a day, each time leaving more and more urgent messages like the world is going to end.  His message?  Don't forget about the appointment next week I scheduled two days ago.  My mother also leaves ear piercing happy chirping noises as a starter to all her messages.  I know from experience to have my ear far away from my phone.

I do sympathize with a good chunk of the world who deeply wants to change their message to "Hi, I can't come to the phone right now, hang up and text me."  I don't mind checking my message, but all I ask is that the message have something substantive.  I don't want your message to consist solely of:
-Hi, it's me.
-I just emailed you.
-No need to call me back.
-How is your cat?  (I get this one more than I should)

[miranova]

-How is your cat?  (I get this one more than I should)

Well obviously the answer to this one is just to get your cat his own phone.  That way they can ask directly.

[Raintree]

I don't mind checking my message, but all I ask is that the message have something substantive.  I don't want your message to consist solely of:
-Hi, it's me.
-I just emailed you.
-No need to call me back.
-How is your cat?  (I get this one more than I should)

I agree, except about the "no need to call me back." I think this is OK if the message consists of something useful, for which a reply is not necessary. As in, "Hi, just letting you know that I did receive your message, and yes, I will be there at 6 PM instead of 5 PM. No need to call me back, see you at 6."

[lmyrs]

I have vm to text service so every vm gets forwarded as a text to my phone. If the vm is too long or mumbly or unclear, it won't translate and it will get set aside until I have time to listen which could be a few days. I always say that if I was allowed, my outgoing vm would say "hang us and text me". But it's work so not my choice.

Which brings me to a question. I've seen many peple say that this outgoing message would be SS because it forces people to take extra steps to contact you. Yet I've also read several posts saying "turn off vm". If vm is turned off, it leads to the same extra steps, so does that make everyone without it SS? I don't have it on my home phone. I don't think that makes me SS. And I know that local cell plans, vm is almost always included and it costs extra to remove it. So why can't someone leave that outgoing message to text and not be SS if they'd be allowed to turn off vm?