Author Topic: I don't want to be a bridesmaid  (Read 4650 times)

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pierrotlunaire0

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2013, 03:13:35 PM »
Use the fact that you hedged in your favor: "I thought long and hard about it, but I would just not be able to stand up with you."  And I would make reference to the fact that you are in another wedding just shortly before hers.  In terms of time and money and energy, I think being an attendant once per year should be the limit.
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Eeep!

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #16 on: March 13, 2013, 04:14:16 PM »
I think that giving her reasons for declining are just going to give her ways to get you to agree.  Remember don't JADE. 

"Amber, I've thought long and hard about your request to be a bridesmaid and I'm going to have to decline.  It's simply not going to be possible at this time"
If she asks you why just say "Because it won't be possible" and beandip beandip beandip

And don't offer to "be there for her if she needs anything" to soften the blow.

I know people advocate for not JADE-ing a lot here and instead suggest this, but I honestly don't think that works in a positive way where a person is interacting with someone they have a social relationship with that they plan to continue or with a family member they are close with.  Doing this with a stranger who is making an unreasonable or unwanted request? Absolutely.  But with someone who you hang out with and is close enough to cry on your shoulder? You are going to do some damage to that relationship which could easily go away if you say, "I'm sorry, I am going to be a MOH in another wedding just before yours, so it won't be possible for me to stand up for you."  No need to go into details re: money & time, but give a little bit so that it doesn't seem arbitrary and unfeeling.

I agree with all of this.  In my experience not JADEing should be reserved for cases where the relationship is already toxic or difficult or there flat out isn't a relationship.  I personally think putting "I have thought long and hard about it" before not giving an explanation makes it almost rude. Because it pretty much implies that you have a reason - or plenty of reasons - but you aren't going to share any of them.

And I think the fact that you are already a MOH is pretty cut and dry.  Using that as your reason wouldn't really open it up to that much weedling for most reasonable people.  If it does start down the "but, but, but..." path, then you can go to the "sorry, it's just too much for me" rinse and repeat sort of situation.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #17 on: March 13, 2013, 10:02:40 PM »
It sounds like the argument with the bridesmaids happened recently.  It's quite possible that things will get patched up before the wedding, and Amber will then either cut you out or leave you very aware that you're B-list.  I think it's reasonable to decline for the reason that you don't want to be in the middle of the fight, which, of course, you're sure will be resolved quickly.
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #18 on: March 13, 2013, 10:16:10 PM »
It sounds like the argument with the bridesmaids happened recently.  It's quite possible that things will get patched up before the wedding, and Amber will then either cut you out or leave you very aware that you're B-list.  I think it's reasonable to decline for the reason that you don't want to be in the middle of the fight, which, of course, you're sure will be resolved quickly.

POD. If Amber and Fran have a history of fighting and making up, there's a strong chance that they'll patch things up and you'll be off the hook.

In fact, I think declining on the basis that you don't want to be in the middle of the fight is a better reason than "I don't have the time and money". With the latter, there's the possibility that Amber will say "Oh, don't worry about that! I'm paying for everything, and all you need to do is turn up on the day." 

Raintree

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2013, 11:16:02 PM »
I think being MOH in another wedding is the perfect excuse! And you don't even have to lie.

Please don't cave in! The fact that the two existing bridesmaids fell out and dropped out says something about what it would be like to be her bridesmaid.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #20 on: March 14, 2013, 12:00:59 AM »
Amber will be more motivated to work things out with her friends if you don't agree to fill one of the BM positions.  If you do step in, you may become ammunition in the fight.
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

TootsNYC

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2013, 08:41:32 AM »
another thought--how long will this falling-out last? It may have been major, but she's a drama fiend, and perhaps they'll all get over it before the wedding.

Yvaine

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2013, 08:49:47 AM »
I am confused why your DH is not a groomsman if you spend so much time with the HC! 

Because the groom didn't already drive off his original groomsmen by being a drama king.  ;D

*inviteseller

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2013, 10:06:15 AM »
She cried about how much she loves you, you are the best...but yet the only reason she asked was because 2 other girls dropped out?  I would just tell her due to commitments for the other wedding you have to decline.  And she will try to sway you because she is desperate for bridesmaids so stay firm.  Also, don't bring up your DH not being in the wedding...she may pull a fast one and he ends up being asked and then you might be stuck.

Twirly

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #24 on: March 14, 2013, 10:34:59 AM »
Sam has tons of brothers, both biologically and from his frat so I'm pretty sure all his groomsmen slots have been pre-filled for nearly a decade ha. There were zero hard feelings about neither of us being asked, in our wedding 2 years ago we had 6 on each side (which felt huge!) because we couldnít pare it down anymore and I still had many more friends I'd have loved to include. 

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies! Amber texted me out of the blue last night stating if I was worried about the cost they would pay for the dress and all I had to do was show up and pose for picturesÖbut no pressure either way! I'm going to call her tonight and explain that it would feel like stepping in as a bridesmaid is betting against her friendship with Fran which I'm just not comfortable with. I donít understand their volatile rel@tionship but they've been friends for half their lives and she's going to want to see her in the pictures 20 years from now.  This is actually the second time this has happened, Fran was already kicked out then reinstated so previous posters were correct that that will probably be what happens again. Amber asked me if I had similar experiences with my bridesmaids and I laughed and sad "no I donít fight with my friends like that, y'all are exhausting." I know it's not really ehell approved but thatís how we interact and she laughed and agreed it was a lot of drama.

I'm still going to the shower and bachelorette party which I would have anyway, and we're taking care of their pets during the honeymoon as they did for us so I hope all that is supportive enough not to make things weird for DH and Sam.


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magician5

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2013, 11:03:10 AM »
There is no rule that says she must have any bridesmaids at all - she may just have to do without you.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

Calistoga

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2013, 11:07:18 AM »
POD to others who have said to tell her no as gently as possible. It also sounds like these two friends fight a lot. You might even let her know you don't want to step on toes and hope that they resolve the issue and things work out. That way you remain the impartial friend you've always been.

blarg314

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2013, 08:23:09 PM »

How about  "You've already kicked friend out and reinstated her once. I want no part of the soap opera."?

Okay, probably too harsh. But whatever you say to her, I think you're really wise to turn her down. Being a bridesmaid to a emotionally volatile, childish drama queen who is only inviting you after the second fight/firing of her best friend is in no way going to end well.

sammycat

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Re: I don't want to be a bridesmaid
« Reply #28 on: March 14, 2013, 08:59:34 PM »
I think you're really wise to turn her down. Being a bridesmaid to a emotionally volatile, childish drama queen who is only inviting you after the second fight/firing of her best friend is in no way going to end well.

I agree.