"You look tired"

[CrochetFanatic]

I don't know why, but I actually kind of like the shadows under my eyes.  I've always had them.  I tried covering them up with make-up when I was younger, but I never liked the feel of it on my skin, and it's hard to match my skin tone.  I tend to keep my eyes downcast anyway, because I'm always tripping over something.  So...I always look tired. 

I saw the picture too, and the only thing I really noticed was that it was quite a close-up.  Don't worry about what other people think; you look fine! 

[LadyDyani]

I think when someone says you look tired, it's a way of giving you permission to vent.  They're expecting you to spend a few seconds complaining about the baby not letting you sleep, or insomnia or whatever.  And then they can vent in agreement.

They want to share a bit of misery, and in the process, feel a bit closer.

[Barb3000]

I find it impolite to comment negatively or ambiguously on someone else's appearance. I have an acquaintance who notices EVERY SINGLE TIME I have a cold sore and comments on it. WHY??? I know I have a cold sore, why is it a matter for conversation?


Instead of "you look tired" how about just "How have you been?"

[lynnetteleigh]

I find it impolite to comment negatively or ambiguously on someone else's appearance. I have an acquaintance who notices EVERY SINGLE TIME I have a cold sore and comments on it. WHY??? I know I have a cold sore, why is it a matter for conversation?


Instead of "you look tired" how about just "How have you been?"

This reminded me of a similar experience I had in middle school. I used to have a lot of bad breakouts at that age and I remember one time I covered up a fairly large pimple with some concealer/foundation.

My "best friend" said "I can tell you tried to cover up a pimple". It wasn't out of concern. Or to tell me a better technique in doing so. It was just her letting me know that my cover up hadn't fooled her.

She ceased being my friend for her many comments similar to this through the years.

[lynnetteleigh]

After thinking about it I think another part of my negative reaction to this statement is that I feel put on the spot. If someone asks "How are you doing?" I can respond with a fairly short answer and then ask the same of them. Or depending on the level of relationship I could then bring up my tiredness and vent.

When someone states that I "look tired" then I feel the need to explain why I am tired or that I am actually well rested. When I typically wouldn't go into that much detail with this person. Plus I tend to start fumbling for what to say when I'm thinking "do I really look that bad?" in the back of my head.

And a sidenote.. like others I had a few occasions where I in my rush to get out of the house I forgot my makeup. My one male manager noticed every time and would mention how bad I looked. I started doing it on purpose when I was sick so he would be more sympathetic to letting me go home early.

[perpetua]

I had never heard of this being rude until I came to this forum. Where I live, it would almost always be interpreted as a show of concern, not an insult about how you look.

I definitely know it's a statement of concern, but the person is only concerned because you look bad. I don't take it as an insult, but it's annoying when you're not tired and an extra kick when you are and are trying to work through it!

But they're not saying 'You look ugly' or 'you look unattractive'. Tired /= these things, in my mind, so that's what I don't understand. It's not an insult or a slur.

[KenveeB]

I had never heard of this being rude until I came to this forum. Where I live, it would almost always be interpreted as a show of concern, not an insult about how you look.

I definitely know it's a statement of concern, but the person is only concerned because you look bad. I don't take it as an insult, but it's annoying when you're not tired and an extra kick when you are and are trying to work through it!

But they're not saying 'You look ugly' or 'you look unattractive'. Tired /= these things, in my mind, so that's what I don't understand. It's not an insult or a slur.

No, it's saying you, well, look tired. As opposed to how you normally look. I don't consider it the same degree as "you look ugly" by any means, but it's certainly not a positive or even neutral statement!

[BeagleMommy]

I only ever say this to DH, DS or someone to whom I'm close.  I have what I call a "permanent flush" across my cheeks.  It's not rosacea or any other type of skin condition (I've been tested for everything).  My dad says I have "Welsh redness".  When people ask me if I got sunburned I respond with "Nope, Welsh!".

[Bijou]

In most situations it seems a pointless thing to say.  Unless someone is my sister, best friend, parent, spouse/SO or someone who really cares about me and are concerned, I don't need to hear it. 

[crella]

I had never heard of this being rude until I came to this forum. Where I live, it would almost always be interpreted as a show of concern, not an insult about how you look.

Personally, I find it irritating when it's repetitive. My mother said it to me all my life. She, of all people, should have known I was not tired, I was sleeping under her roof    for a good number of those years. She continued to say it. Co-workers too, once told that I'm not tired, that I just have naturally dark areas under my eyes, could stop but don't. What does it accomplish?

[Captain Hastings]

I consider myself a fairly laid-back, self-confident person, but the tired comment makes me feel violent and hideous.

I, too, have very dark, very permanent circles around my very deep-set, shadowy eyes. I used to get the tired comment constantly and (I'm sure I've mentioned this here before!) when I was a teenager somebody asked me if my boyfriend beat me and ooohhh, that's stayed with me for a long time.

Don't ever say this to anyone, especially awkward teenage girls who are already in a constant panic about the way they look.

I've come to terms with so much about myself and am happier than I've ever been, but the dark circles are my last insecure holdout. I really feel that when I can cheerfully leave the house without a thick coating of concealer on my eyes will be the day I have achieved true inner peace.

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

I really hate this because I have dark shadows around and under my eyes due to my bone structure that cannot be disguised with makeup so I forever have a "tired" look. I have people tell me I look tired ALL of the time and it's usually when I'm actually feeling quite well and energetic!

Here's a picture: http://i48.tinypic.com/34pgunt.jpg

I almost want to get plastic surgery some day.

Pretty eyes 

[menley]

I often find that men say "you look tired!" to me when I'm not wearing eyeliner or mascara.  It definitely reinforces my belief that I need to wear makeup daily

[Tea Drinker]

I often find that men say "you look tired!" to me when I'm not wearing eyeliner or mascara.  It definitely reinforces my belief that I need to wear makeup daily

Alternatively, since the men who are commenting aren't wearing eyeliner or mascara either, a smiling "Thanks for noticing, so do you" might be in order.

I have no objection to people wearing makeup if they want to (because they like how it looks on them, or enjoy playing with it, or for any other reason). I do object to people, especially those who would never wear it themselves, pressuring others of us to do so.

[wyliefool]

I have a lighter complexion in addition to having my under eye area be darker than the average person. I think this causes people to think I am tired when I'm actually very well rested.

So just now I'm walking down the hallway at work and had this conversation with a coworker who I rarely see and have had very minimal socializing with.

CW: "You look tired"
Me:"Well I don't feel very tired" :chirpily: Thanks, you too! 
at this point I had turned and started while walking away
CW: "Well you look tired"
Then I kind of zoned him out but heard him say something else and another coworker laughing. I'm guessing at the way I reacted to it.