Last Birthday Bucket List

[snugasabug]

My friend Lola is celebrating her milestone birthday this weekend.  She has a terminal illness and was told last fall she had weeks to live.  She feels like she is living on borrowed time and feels this is going to be her last birthday ever.  We are all surprised, and thrilled that she is still with us.

Birthday Plan - Lola rented a stretch SUV Limo for the day...driving to city an hour away for supper at a fancy restaurant.......10 ladies...no boys allowed. (Lola is hosting her own party - asked us all to pay our own way and tip the limo driver)

Background - Lola has a friend, Patty.  Patty is nice enough sometimes...but will often ask people for money, clothes, donations, etc. She often has a strong unpleasant odor......she likely has some mental illness tangled in there.  She has been friends with Lola off and on since highschool.  None of the rest of "us" know her very well, aside from her antics at the hospital and at Lola's house during the past year.  She is very much a mooch in all ways possible.  Instead of bringing Lola supper, Patty would camp out on her couch waiting for someone else to drop off a meal, then announce "FINALLY!!!!!" before digging in herself. (Not getting Lola a plate - just herself)  I have no idea why Lola and Patty are friends...but they are and I suppose that should be respected.

Dilemma - Patty was invited to come celebrate..and she is bringing her daughter.   There is worry amongst the group that no one wants to sit beside Patty and her daughter in the restaurant for fear that she does not have enough money for their meals.  Some of the ladies are being petty and don't want to sit beside them in the limo.  Should we anticipate covering the extra 2 meals as well? Or just bring cash and say that Patty needs to figure it out?

 We all want Lola to have an excellent evening. We don't want to worry her about things like Patty and her lack of money.   

Should we just worry about ourselves and our own payment of our meals, and covering the birthday girls meal as well?  Our worry is that Patty will cry and be dramatic and insist on the birthday girl covering the meal cost of her and her daughters food.  That wouldn't be fair.

What should we do?

[CreteGirl]

Since this may very well be Lola's last birthday, I think you should do whatever it takes to make this a very special day.  It seems that Lola wants Patty there, therefore she should be.

If that means putting up with Patty and covering the cost of her and her daughter's meal, so be it.

[Scuba_Dog]

Since this may very well be Lola's last birthday, I think you should do whatever it takes to make this a very special day.  It seems that Lola wants her there, therefore she should be.

If that means putting up with Patty and covering the cost of her and her daughter's meal, so be it.

^ Is what I would do also - considering the circumstances.

[LadyDyani]

Since this may very well be Lola's last birthday, I think you should do whatever it takes to make this a very special day.  It seems that Lola wants her there, therefore she should be.

If that means putting up with Patty and covering the cost of her and her daughter's meal, so be it.

^ Is what I would do also - considering the circumstances.

And I as well.  I would also do my best to make sure Lola doesn't find out that Patty is using her birthday to hustle her friends.

[snowdragon]

Given Patty's history are you sure she was invited? Go from there by asking Lola to go over the guest list with you.  If she gives any indication that Patty was not invited make sure Patty does not come. IF she was Call patty and make sure she KNOWs that she needs to pay for those two meals.  if not - talk to everyone else and make sure you are all on the same page with regards to paying for these two moochers  I would be ticked to have to chip in to pay for two more meals because one person decided it should be so.  I would not make a scene but it would color my opinion of ALL involved.

[Deetee]

Since this may very well be Lola's last birthday, I think you should do whatever it takes to make this a very special day.  It seems that Lola wants her there, therefore she should be.

If that means putting up with Patty and covering the cost of her and her daughter's meal, so be it.

^ Is what I would do also - considering the circumstances.

In any other circumstances, I would not pay for patty. If I had a friend with little time left I would pay for patty as a gift for Lola. ( I might try to avoid having her come in the first place by asking her her to prepay for the limo and bring very clear about the cost of dinner)

But for a friends last birthday ever? If she wanted a skunk and a trope of panhandlers there I would bring along tomato juice and a bucket of change.
And I as well.  I would also do my best to make sure Lola doesn't find out that Patty is using her birthday to hustle her friends.

[Kaypeep]

Here's what I would do.  I presume you're all meeting at one place so the limo doesn't waste time picking and dropping off multiple guests.  So, when you meet up and before you leave, take up the collection for the limo (including tip).  Make sure Patty pays her share (for her and her daughter.)  Also, make a casual but pointed "check" of all party goers to ensure they have their wallets, cash, etc.  for dinner.  Point blank, ask her "Do you have your cash or credit card to pay for you and your daughter's dinner?" as if you're checking in.  If possible, send a group email to all the partygoers informing them that limo driver fee and tip will be collected before the drive takes off, so please have check or cash ready.  This way if she isn't prepared to pay, you know from the start and can either offer to drive her to the bank, or take her aside and ask her what her plan is because you won't have her spoil this night for your friend by making Lola pay for her and her daughter.

[sammycat]

I would be ticked to have to chip in to pay for two more meals because one person decided it should be so.  I would not make a scene but it would color my opinion of ALL involved.

Agreed!!

[sammycat]

Here's what I would do.  I presume you're all meeting at one place so the limo doesn't waste time picking and dropping off multiple guests.  So, when you meet up and before you leave, take up the collection for the limo (including tip).  Make sure Patty pays her share (for her and her daughter.)  Also, make a casual but pointed "check" of all party goers to ensure they have their wallets, cash, etc.  for dinner.  Point blank, ask her "Do you have your cash or credit card to pay for you and your daughter's dinner?" as if you're checking in.  If possible, send a group email to all the partygoers informing them that limo driver fee and tip will be collected before the drive takes off, so please have check or cash ready.  This way if she isn't prepared to pay, you know from the start and can either offer to drive her to the bank, or take her aside and ask her what her plan is because you won't have her spoil this night for your friend by making Lola pay for her and her daughter.

I agree; good plan.

[Drunken Housewife]

I would talk to some of Lola's other friends and see if some are willing to bring extra money.

Honestly to honor Lola, I would prepare for the worst, that this annoying friend of Lola's won't be able to pay for herself and her daughter.  I would want there to be no drama on this occasion, and I'd bite the bullet and pay some extra as an extra treat for Lola.  This is Lola's lifelong friend, no matter how aggravating. 

The consolation?  Soon you'll never have to see Lola's annoying friend again.  And you'll have a good memory of how you did a very kind thing to help make Lola's last birthday what Lola wanted.

[Minmom3]

It would be nice to make it happen that way - you all chip in if needed.  BECAUSE it's Lola's last birthday, and BECAUSE you never need to see Patty again...  Not a day to make a fuss about somebody being cheap, even if the cheap one deserves it to the max!

[LeveeWoman]

It would be nice to make it happen that way - you all chip in if needed.  BECAUSE it's Lola's last birthday, and BECAUSE you never need to see Patty again...  Not a day to make a fuss about somebody being cheap, even if the cheap one deserves it to the max!

DITTO!

[Calypso]

Actually, I don't think you need take any thought at all re Patty and her daughter. I'm sure Lola is perfectly aware of the probable behavior of her longtime friend, and is prepared for it. We don't lose our common sense or our ability to deal with people's foibles just because we're dying.

Yes, it would be nice if Patty were to rise above her normal behavior, but that's not likely to happen and Lola already knows that. I *think*, if I were her, I'd be unhappy for your (well meant) interference----it's likely to just cause drama, if not at the party, then afterward when Patty moans into Lola's tired ears about how awful everyone was to her.

Just let yourself have the wildest time possible at the birthday bash. Give Lola some great things to think about for every day she has left.

[Winterlight]

I would talk to some of Lola's other friends and see if some are willing to bring extra money.

Honestly to honor Lola, I would prepare for the worst, that this annoying friend of Lola's won't be able to pay for herself and her daughter.  I would want there to be no drama on this occasion, and I'd bite the bullet and pay some extra as an extra treat for Lola.  This is Lola's lifelong friend, no matter how aggravating. 

The consolation?  Soon you'll never have to see Lola's annoying friend again.  And you'll have a good memory of how you did a very kind thing to help make Lola's last birthday what Lola wanted.

Agreed. This is not a hill I'd want to take a stand on. A regular birthday, yes. This one? No way.

[JenJay]

I'd chip in to cover Patty and her daughter. Heck no I wouldn't like it, but I have a feeling that reminding myself "This is probably the last time I'll ever have to cover Patty again." will take the edge off my anger. 

Snug, I'm sorry that Patty is taking advantage of your dear friend, especially with her health being what it is. I completely understand why you're upset and I don't think it's petty at all. I'd be very angry to have to deal with her, too. As others have said, try to look at it not as "I have to cover that selfish jerk" but "I can do this for Lola." You didn't ask, but I'm sending you hugs.