Author Topic: Third (but also first) baby shower  (Read 13706 times)

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turnip

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #135 on: March 22, 2013, 01:00:39 PM »
Re: Dads.  We have a group of friends we've known for 20+ years.  We get together at each others houses and barbeque for birthdays, holidays, football games, etc.  My shower was just an extension of that - same couples, same barbeque, presents and yummy cake at the end.   We could have left the guys out, I suppose, but they would have wondered what they had done to upset us!

Mikayla

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #136 on: March 22, 2013, 03:03:20 PM »
I think this comes down to a weakness in the language. We have no word for a "wish the MTB well before the birth" gathering other than "shower" (except that dreadful new coinage "sprinkle," which is basically "shower lite"). Which is about showering (or sprinkling) someone with gifts.

I see nothing wrong with having a pre-birth celebration of every new baby -- first, fifth or 15th. (Welcome/meet the baby parties after the birth aren't always feasible.) Of course people will want to give gifts, but they shouldn't be required. Unfortunately, call that pre-birth celebration the S word and everyone feels pressured to buy a gift.

We need another word for such a gathering that has nothing to do with precipitation.

To the nth.  Reading through this, I realize that the term "shower" doesn't mean the same thing to all people, which I never realized, because I thought the rule was pretty clearcut - bring a gift.  In fact, I've always liked the idea that showers = mandatory gift, because it's so simple.  I've been to 4 engagement parties, where the rules are much less defined, and 3 of them got awkward when some brought gifts and some didn't. 

In fact, that raises a question.  For people who don't think showers mean a mandatory gift, and they're mainly social, do you think the same of bridal showers?  Can a person have a bridal shower for every wedding?   


TurtleDove

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #137 on: March 22, 2013, 03:09:19 PM »
Can a person have a bridal shower for every wedding?

Here's my take.  A person can have a shower whenever for whatever reason so long as the people throwing it want to throw it and the people coming want to come.  To me it is that simple.  If someone wants to nitpick about the etiquette, then just don't go to the shower and think poorly of the manners of the GOH and the people who threw the shower.  For me, this is not the route I would choose because even if I am right, I don't find it to be in accordance with the way I live my life and show up for the people in my life.  I genuinely like and respect the people I choose to have in my life so it simply would never occur to me to be anything other than thrilled to support them at a celebration, even if it is labeled a shower.   I also do not give gifts I don't want to give. 

All that said, I think it is fairly common for second time brides marrying first time grooms to have the groom's sisters or friends or relatives really want a shower. It's a really nice way to get to know people before the wedding.  I cannot imagine refusing to attend a shower for someone who is about to become married to someone I care about simply becuase "she already got her shower - look at her awful manners!"

And again, without exception, every shower I have attended has been a celebration.  Not a gift grab.

bah12

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #138 on: March 22, 2013, 03:32:17 PM »
I think this comes down to a weakness in the language. We have no word for a "wish the MTB well before the birth" gathering other than "shower" (except that dreadful new coinage "sprinkle," which is basically "shower lite"). Which is about showering (or sprinkling) someone with gifts.

I see nothing wrong with having a pre-birth celebration of every new baby -- first, fifth or 15th. (Welcome/meet the baby parties after the birth aren't always feasible.) Of course people will want to give gifts, but they shouldn't be required. Unfortunately, call that pre-birth celebration the S word and everyone feels pressured to buy a gift.

We need another word for such a gathering that has nothing to do with precipitation.

To the nth.  Reading through this, I realize that the term "shower" doesn't mean the same thing to all people, which I never realized, because I thought the rule was pretty clearcut - bring a gift.  In fact, I've always liked the idea that showers = mandatory gift, because it's so simple.  I've been to 4 engagement parties, where the rules are much less defined, and 3 of them got awkward when some brought gifts and some didn't. 

In fact, that raises a question.  For people who don't think showers mean a mandatory gift, and they're mainly social, do you think the same of bridal showers?  Can a person have a bridal shower for every wedding?

Like TurtleDove, I think people can have a party whenever they want for whatever reason they want.  There are rude ways to throw parties, but the parties in and of themselves are not inherently rude (at least not the general ones we are discussing here).  I'm actually attending a wedding shower this weekend for a second time bride (and also a second time groom).  I have no problems with this.  Just as I had no problem with not having a wedding shower at all when I got married to DH (my first). 
It's no different (to me) than when people have birthday parties every year (not just milestones) or even when some have half-birthday's (which I admit I've never brought a gift to).  Celebrations are celebrations.  Gift giving or not.  Gimme pigs are gimme pigs just as much in the first shower as they are in subsequent ones (and pretty much are gimme pigs in general, not just at parties...I choose not to be friends with people like this). 

I have not had the horrible experiences that some here talk about.  I'm lucky that way.  My friends and family are all great people who I enjoy being around and celebrating life events with (all life events...even non-events).  Any gifts that I give are returned to me through their friendship and companionship and even with tangible gifts that they give me when I'm the one being celebrated. 

snowdragon

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #139 on: March 22, 2013, 03:35:07 PM »
I think this comes down to a weakness in the language. We have no word for a "wish the MTB well before the birth" gathering other than "shower" (except that dreadful new coinage "sprinkle," which is basically "shower lite"). Which is about showering (or sprinkling) someone with gifts.

I see nothing wrong with having a pre-birth celebration of every new baby -- first, fifth or 15th. (Welcome/meet the baby parties after the birth aren't always feasible.) Of course people will want to give gifts, but they shouldn't be required. Unfortunately, call that pre-birth celebration the S word and everyone feels pressured to buy a gift.

We need another word for such a gathering that has nothing to do with precipitation.

To the nth.  Reading through this, I realize that the term "shower" doesn't mean the same thing to all people, which I never realized, because I thought the rule was pretty clearcut - bring a gift.  In fact, I've always liked the idea that showers = mandatory gift, because it's so simple.  I've been to 4 engagement parties, where the rules are much less defined, and 3 of them got awkward when some brought gifts and some didn't. 

In fact, that raises a question.  For people who don't think showers mean a mandatory gift, and they're mainly social, do you think the same of bridal showers?  Can a person have a bridal shower for every wedding?


    As per the bolded.  In traditional etiquette, no  - they can't and be thought polite.   In my circle, it would not be well attended and folks would think badly of you.  I simply can not imagine turning up at any shower without a gift.  There are ways to celebrate any mile stone with out doing via a party that even in the dictionary is  defined as "a party given by friends who bring gifts often of a particular kind" ( Webster). 
 

turnip

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #140 on: March 22, 2013, 03:42:56 PM »
Can a person have a bridal shower for every wedding?

Here's my take.  A person can have a shower whenever for whatever reason so long as the people throwing it want to throw it and the people coming want to come.  To me it is that simple.  If someone wants to nitpick about the etiquette, then just don't go to the shower and think poorly of the manners of the GOH and the people who threw the shower.  For me, this is not the route I would choose because even if I am right, I don't find it to be in accordance with the way I live my life and show up for the people in my life.  I genuinely like and respect the people I choose to have in my life so it simply would never occur to me to be anything other than thrilled to support them at a celebration, even if it is labeled a shower.   I also do not give gifts I don't want to give. 

All that said, I think it is fairly common for second time brides marrying first time grooms to have the groom's sisters or friends or relatives really want a shower. It's a really nice way to get to know people before the wedding. I cannot imagine refusing to attend a shower for someone who is about to become married to someone I care about simply becuase "she already got her shower - look at her awful manners!"

And again, without exception, every shower I have attended has been a celebration.  Not a gift grab.

My goodness yes. I suppose someone could have turned up their nose at my friend's shower because she left her abusive husband and then met a wonderful, caring guy, but I wouldn't think much of their reasoning.   

Fragglerocker

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #141 on: March 22, 2013, 07:52:35 PM »
Can a person have a bridal shower for every wedding?

Here's my take.  A person can have a shower whenever for whatever reason so long as the people throwing it want to throw it and the people coming want to come.  To me it is that simple.  If someone wants to nitpick about the etiquette, then just don't go to the shower and think poorly of the manners of the GOH and the people who threw the shower.  For me, this is not the route I would choose because even if I am right, I don't find it to be in accordance with the way I live my life and show up for the people in my life.  I genuinely like and respect the people I choose to have in my life so it simply would never occur to me to be anything other than thrilled to support them at a celebration, even if it is labeled a shower.   I also do not give gifts I don't want to give. 

All that said, I think it is fairly common for second time brides marrying first time grooms to have the groom's sisters or friends or relatives really want a shower. It's a really nice way to get to know people before the wedding. I cannot imagine refusing to attend a shower for someone who is about to become married to someone I care about simply becuase "she already got her shower - look at her awful manners!"

And again, without exception, every shower I have attended has been a celebration.  Not a gift grab.

My goodness yes. I suppose someone could have turned up their nose at my friend's shower because she left her abusive husband and then met a wonderful, caring guy, but I wouldn't think much of their reasoning.

I had a 2nd shower for my second wedding.  First husband cheated on me and left me while I was on a business trip.  Married a wonderful man years later, and except for my mother, sister, and two friends, all guests were "new" to showering me, and it was hosted by a friend who I didn't know when I got married the first time and who was ecstatic about being a bridesmaid and insisted on a throwing a shower. 

missmarie

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #142 on: April 02, 2013, 12:49:47 AM »
Ok, I've been on vacation and haven't had a chance to read through the whole thread but here's an update for anyone interested: It apparently isn't entirely family only, a few friends are now included on the Facebook invite list. They are registered and only two items are under $40 and one of these is baby wipes.  I was informed by my mother that I should buy the stroller they want (at $250). I feel at this point that I can't not attend in the interest of family peace but I will probably not be purchasing the stroller.  My brother is not attending. He will be there at the beginning and end but it is being planned as a female-oriented event. Also, I apologize for my hyperbole in using the word 'atrocity'. That really seems tomhave bothered a few people and I didn't intend to do that.
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Roe

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #143 on: April 02, 2013, 07:49:40 AM »
For the record, I have a few friends that are closer to me than blood relatives so a family only event would include them.

missmarie

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #144 on: April 02, 2013, 10:18:09 AM »
For the record, I have a few friends that are closer to me than blood relatives so a family only event would include them.
Me too!  I just had two weeks with mine!  :D And to be fair, this may be the case.  I'm mostly concerned at this point that I will disappoint my mother because in every other way she is really great.  I think the way she was brought up and her circumstances up until we all left home have left her with the idea that it's everyone's responsibility to pay for New Baby.  I want to help out but hate being made to feel like it's my duty somehow.  I raised my three with no financial support from my family because I have a good job.  I have had LOTS of moral support and my mother is always looking for excuses to have my children over because she likes to spend time with them.  I think that's what is burning me most,  I was really looking forward to being a very involved Auntie and this has kind of put a damper on that.
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TurtleDove

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #145 on: April 02, 2013, 10:20:29 AM »
I think that's what is burning me most,  I was really looking forward to being a very involved Auntie and this has kind of put a damper on that.

This confuses me.  Can you explain what a shower has to do with being an involved aunt?

Lynn2000

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #146 on: April 02, 2013, 10:26:40 AM »
Ok, I've been on vacation and haven't had a chance to read through the whole thread but here's an update for anyone interested: It apparently isn't entirely family only, a few friends are now included on the Facebook invite list. They are registered and only two items are under $40 and one of these is baby wipes.  I was informed by my mother that I should buy the stroller they want (at $250). I feel at this point that I can't not attend in the interest of family peace but I will probably not be purchasing the stroller.  My brother is not attending. He will be there at the beginning and end but it is being planned as a female-oriented event. Also, I apologize for my hyperbole in using the word 'atrocity'. That really seems tomhave bothered a few people and I didn't intend to do that.

Thanks for the update. I totally agree that you don't need to spend $250 if you don't want to! Feel free to spend what you want on something not listed on their registry, like some board books or onesies. Just tuck the gift receipt in with them and call it good.
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bah12

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #147 on: April 02, 2013, 11:04:20 AM »
For the record, I have a few friends that are closer to me than blood relatives so a family only event would include them.
Me too!  I just had two weeks with mine!  :D And to be fair, this may be the case.  I'm mostly concerned at this point that I will disappoint my mother because in every other way she is really great.  I think the way she was brought up and her circumstances up until we all left home have left her with the idea that it's everyone's responsibility to pay for New Baby.  I want to help out but hate being made to feel like it's my duty somehow.  I raised my three with no financial support from my family because I have a good job.  I have had LOTS of moral support and my mother is always looking for excuses to have my children over because she likes to spend time with them.  I think that's what is burning me most,  I was really looking forward to being a very involved Auntie and this has kind of put a damper on that.

Why?  You're fine not to want to go to the shower, not to buy the stroller, etc....but why would a party that your mother is throwing and a gift that she asked you to buy have any effect on your relationship with your new neice/nephew?  I don't get it.


Sharnita

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #148 on: April 02, 2013, 11:12:40 AM »
If $40 is what you were thinking of spending then maybe a $40 gc for the store with the stroller? If somebody else gets it there are still other things they can get. If not you have helped them get a very nice stroller.

You say you haven't had any monetary help but you also indicate your mom has spent time with your kids. Does that ever include free babysitting?

snowdragon

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #149 on: April 02, 2013, 02:10:40 PM »
For the record, I have a few friends that are closer to me than blood relatives so a family only event would include them.
Me too!  I just had two weeks with mine!  :D And to be fair, this may be the case.  I'm mostly concerned at this point that I will disappoint my mother because in every other way she is really great.  I think the way she was brought up and her circumstances up until we all left home have left her with the idea that it's everyone's responsibility to pay for New Baby.  I want to help out but hate being made to feel like it's my duty somehow.  I raised my three with no financial support from my family because I have a good job.  I have had LOTS of moral support and my mother is always looking for excuses to have my children over because she likes to spend time with them.  I think that's what is burning me most,  I was really looking forward to being a very involved Auntie and this has kind of put a damper on that.

Why?  You're fine not to want to go to the shower, not to buy the stroller, etc....but why would a party that your mother is throwing and a gift that she asked you to buy have any effect on your relationship with your new neice/nephew?  I don't get it.

  What I took from that is that the OP is feeling pressured to help support this child and she does not want to - if she forms a relationship with this child it will be taken as a sign that she acquiesces to this monetary support and more demands will be made.  Or she could feel that since she is already comparing what she got from mom and what the brother is getting, couple with what she is being expected to give  ( mom's idea that "her circumstances up until we all left home have left her with the idea that it's everyone's responsibility to pay for New Baby" ) and finding she's not comfortable with the differences - that is not the basis for a good relationship with anyone involved ( her brother, SIL or the new baby) - but the OP might have a different explanation.