Author Topic: Third (but also first) baby shower  (Read 15533 times)

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missmarie

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Third (but also first) baby shower
« on: March 18, 2013, 05:58:03 AM »
My brother and his fiancee R & C are expecting a baby in May. It will be his first child but her third. I received a Facebook invitation from my mother (whole other double faux pas!) to a shower in their honor in April.  I expressed some dismay when I next saw my mother about the fact that a baby shower for a third seems a mite tacky. I didn't bother with the Facebook invite or family thrown shower as those hints would go right over her head. I've already declined throwing a shower when my sister offered for obvious reasons.  C's other children are both under five. This whole thing makes me reeaallly uncomfortable and I wonder: if I attend am I condoning my mum's bad manners? To be fair she is planning on inviting family only. And I love my brother and his fiancee.  It just smacks of a gift grab to me. Any suggestions?  I am of course planning on buying their baby a gift! I had just planned on giving it to them at the hospital or something.
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bonyk

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2013, 06:08:12 AM »
A family shower, thrown by family, is fine IMO.  Considering that this is your Brother's first child, I understand your mother's excitement.  I don't really see any evidence of a gift grab, just an excited grandmother-to-be.

Sharnita

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2013, 07:10:51 AM »
I think that since it is for your family and since it is your brother's first, your mom is OK.  Also, this is her third child but are you certain that both of the previous kids got a shower?  Is it possible #2 didn't?  Would that make you any more comfortable with the process?

Oh Joy

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2013, 08:23:16 AM »
It's his first, and the event is for his side of,the family.  I'm not too dismayed.  Could you focus on it being your brother's first?  Give a new dad survival book, or clothes saying 'handsome like daddy', or some item you know he wants or needs?

Best wishes to the growing family.

Roe

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2013, 08:55:27 AM »
This is your brother's first baby.  Be excited for them.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2013, 09:13:49 AM »
I will admit I don't ge the whole "why does it matter who throws a shower" bit being tacky.    Times have changed. 

I have three children.  First child, I had three showers given for me.  One by my parents, one by his parents and one by co-workers.  Sex unknonw.  Second child, sex was a girl.  My parents threw me a shower and my co-workers also threw me a shower.  Third child, second marriage, sex also a girl.  My mom again threw me a shower. 

Did I expect or request any of my showers?  No.  Did I appreciate each and every one of them?  You betcha.

Originally, I believe showers were meant to help start a young couple with needed items.

Today, I think it is more of celebrating the birth of a new child.   No matter that we may have things from our previous child, why wouldn't we celebrate the life of an additional child?  Of course, we do not always need the big items any longer, but one can always use diapers, bibs, spit up clothes, onesies, etc.  Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, that darn spit up never completely comes out of those clothes.

I now have a grandchild of my own.  She is five.  She will probably be the only one for a while due to ages and circumstances of my three children, but no matter what, I intend to celebrate each and every one I might have in the future also. 

If those I might invite to a shower choose not to come, that is fine.  That is their choice for whatever reason.  I am not going to judge anyone over their morals or beliefs. 

As to your situation, this is your brother's first child.  This is your mother's first grandchild from her son.  She is estactic.  I don't see evidence of a gift grab either.  You don't have to get anything big or outrageous.  Diapers and onesies are a perfect gift for any newborn babe.

VltGrantham

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2013, 09:29:59 AM »
I think what's going on is fine.  It's his first child.  Your Mom may be committing a slight faux pas by throwing the shower herself--but as others have suggested, that is simply the excitement of a grandchild, etc.

However, I will add--PLEASE don't bring anything to the hospital that they will then have to cart home.  When you're coming home, it's burden enough trying to gather all your stuff together, get your own act going, and deal with a brand-new infant.  Deliver it to their home or shortly before the birth (if that doesn't go against custom in your family).  And please wait to be invited.  Not everyone wants company at the hospital.

TurtleDove

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2013, 10:09:22 AM »
This is your brother's first baby.  Be excited for them.

This.  If it is more important to the OP to ensure that everyone knows that she has the etiquette rules memorized, then by all means protest and make it known the family members are uncouth and poorly mannered and boycott the shower.  I don't think that is that the OP hopes to accomplish, however, so yes, be excited for the brother and his family. 

missmarie

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2013, 10:43:35 AM »
OP here! To clarify a few things: my sister and I are planning a "Meet the Baby" bbq after my niece or nephew's birth. We fully expect people to wish to bring gifts but absolutely no mention is going to be made of this on the invitations. We will make ourselves aware of what the baby needs so we might tell people who ask. We are RIDICULOUSLY excited about this baby! I have three children, all over five and my sister hasn't got any so it's the first baby entering our family since my daughter. I can't wait to be an Auntie! But I was raised (by my step mother and gramma) to believe that a shower for any but your first is absolutely atrocious. Call it anything else and you're fine, but showers are for new mums only. 
@vltgrantham: I don't know why that didn't occur to me! I had forgotten the pain in the neck caused by stuff brought to the hospital!  I definitely won't bring anything but snacks for the nurses with me!
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peaches

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2013, 11:00:50 AM »
Missmarie, I'm with you on this one. I believe showers and gift registries are for first babies.

I think your plans for a casual, get-acquainted-with-baby bbq (no gifts required) is a better idea in this situation.

Still, this shower is already planned and is going to take place.

I wouldn't want to embarrass my brother by objecting to the arrangements, or by not showing up. It is what it is, and as you've said, there is a lot to celebrate and be excited about. I would attend with a gift, and that would be my baby gift (rather than taking one to the hospital or saving it for later).


Tabby Uprising

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2013, 11:09:32 AM »
OP here! To clarify a few things: my sister and I are planning a "Meet the Baby" bbq after my niece or nephew's birth. We fully expect people to wish to bring gifts but absolutely no mention is going to be made of this on the invitations. We will make ourselves aware of what the baby needs so we might tell people who ask. We are RIDICULOUSLY excited about this baby! I have three children, all over five and my sister hasn't got any so it's the first baby entering our family since my daughter. I can't wait to be an Auntie! But I was raised (by my step mother and gramma) to believe that a shower for any but your first is absolutely atrocious. Call it anything else and you're fine, but showers are for new mums only. 
@vltgrantham: I don't know why that didn't occur to me! I had forgotten the pain in the neck caused by stuff brought to the hospital!  I definitely won't bring anything but snacks for the nurses with me!

Do you really find your mothers actions of throwing a baby shower for her son's first baby are on par with an atrocity?  That's a strong judgment and you're entitled to it, but if you truly feel your family is doing this purely for gifts then you should not attend.  I'd hate to think that amongst the family guests at this joyous shower there would be a loved one sitting there thinking it was just a "gift grab". 

And if it is your brother's first baby, then isn't it consistent with your shower principle to start with? 



TurtleDove

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2013, 11:16:31 AM »
Do you really find your mothers actions of throwing a baby shower for her son's first baby are on par with an atrocity?  That's a strong judgment and you're entitled to it, but if you truly feel your family is doing this purely for gifts then you should not attend.  I'd hate to think that amongst the family guests at this joyous shower there would be a loved one sitting there thinking it was just a "gift grab". 

And if it is your brother's first baby, then isn't it consistent with your shower principle to start with?

POD.  I feel like if people (not directed at the OP) are inclined to react to a shower invitationg by being judgmental of their friends or family and painting them as greedy gift grabbers, they shouldn't pretend to be friends or excited for the family member.  I really don't get it.  I don't agree with everything my friends and family do - I can't imagine anyone does - but I certainly wouldn't be friends with someone who is a blatant gimme pig.  The resolution of any problem would be that either I wouldn't be invited or I simply wouldn't go if it offended me so much.

Zilla

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2013, 11:20:15 AM »
I am pretty stern when it comes to second/third showers etc.  But this is HIS first shower and being thrown by HIS family.  I don't see it as a gift grab but a way for him to enjoy to the fullest having his first child.  And not to mention your mom's first grandchild from her son.  I wouldn't try and ruin it for them by expressing your dismay.  Simply decline if it bothers you that much.

LadyR

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2013, 11:24:06 AM »
It is a first baby, for your brother. I see it the same as a second time bride having a BWW the second time if its her groom's first wedding, as long as its not the same people who were invited to showers last time, why should it be a problem? Its still a new experience for him and his family and that's what I see here. Your mother wants to throw a shower for her grandchild and I see nothing wrong with that--I'm also from area where its normal for the mother to throw a shower, so I think your mom is ok there too.


bah12

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #14 on: March 18, 2013, 11:36:03 AM »
I've always been more of the "why be so crazy judgemental over second/third showers" type anyway.  I think it's pretty obvious when parties are gift grabs, regardless of the type, what they're called, or what baby it happens to be.  And subesequent showers thrown by people that want to do something nice for the mother, aren't automatically gift grabs just because the mother happens to already have a child.

This is your brother's first child and it's his family that's throwing the family centered shower.  I don't see this as a big deal at all. 

Now, if this really is atrocious to you, then don't go.  I think it would be rude to accept an invitiaton to a party that you don't condone...especially if you're going to judge your mother for throwing it and your SIL for allowing it.  You'd be better off coming up with an excuse not to be there and I think that unless you can make this shower seem right in your eyes, that's what you should do.