Third (but also first) baby shower

[VltGrantham]

Maybe I'm crazy, judgmental, or atrocious (possibly all three)--but I think baby showers for more than your first child are over the top.  This is a different situation because it's the husband's first child, but not so much.  I believe in sprinkles for a child of different gender or babies born far apart, generally as a happy surprise, rather than a planned event.

That said, I do attend many of these events--for family only and only for the sake of keeping the peace.  I'm sure not everyone has in-laws like mine (at least I pray you don't) but I do believe the majority of these events to be gift grabs or a way of soliciting gifts instead of simply supplying the needed items yourself.  I've kept my feelings to myself, but after receiving a fourth shower invitation in as many years for the same sister-in-law, I do think it's ridiculous and entitled.

I don't understand, nor will I ever, why showers are necessary, especially multiple showers for the same couple.  A baby does not need a shower to be celebrated, loved, cared for, or welcomed to the world.  Most people are aware that a birth is a gift-giving occasion and will proceed accordingly.  Why parties are needed for each birth, as if that birth is not special, unique, or sanctified unless a party is given, no matter by whom or the number of showers preceding/accompanying it, is beyond me.

[Zilla]

Maybe I'm crazy, judgmental, or atrocious (possibly all three)--but I think baby showers for more than your first child are over the top.  This is a different situation because it's the husband's first child, but not so much.  I believe in sprinkles for a child of different gender....

Off topic, I despise the term sprinkle.  It reminds me going to the bathroom. Lol

[VltGrantham]

It reminds me going to the bathroom. Lol

LOL!

[hobish]

Maybe I'm crazy, judgmental, or atrocious (possibly all three)--but I think baby showers for more than your first child are over the top.  This is a different situation because it's the husband's first child, but not so much.  I believe in sprinkles for a child of different gender or babies born far apart, generally as a happy surprise, rather than a planned event.

That said, I do attend many of these events--for family only and only for the sake of keeping the peace.  I'm sure not everyone has in-laws like mine (at least I pray you don't) but I do believe the majority of these events to be gift grabs or a way of soliciting gifts instead of simply supplying the needed items yourself.  I've kept my feelings to myself, but after receiving a fourth shower invitation in as many years for the same sister-in-law, I do think it's ridiculous and entitled.

I don't understand, nor will I ever, why showers are necessary, especially multiple showers for the same couple.  A baby does not need a shower to be celebrated, loved, cared for, or welcomed to the world.  Most people are aware that a birth is a gift-giving occasion and will proceed accordingly.  Why parties are needed for each birth, as if that birth is not special, unique, or sanctified unless a party is given, no matter by whom or the number of showers preceding/accompanying it, is beyond me.

Well, if you're crazy, judgmental, or atrocious, then i am a monster I don't even like sprinkles. Baby showers are not for supplying the couple with items they need. They're for welcoming a woman to motherhood. Whether the kid is a different gender or several years behind its siblings should not be a matter, because stocking baby supplies is not supposed to be the point. I wonder if that is where people get the idea of grandparent showers, and pet showers to supply people with things they need. "A baby does not need a shower to be celebrated, loved, cared for, or welcomed to the world." You aren't kidding. Many people seem to think that "every baby deserves to be celebrated" automatically means a shower has to be held for every one, or they're somehow lesser.

This is your brother's first baby.  Be excited for them.

...? The OP makes no indication she isn't excited for her brother. Since when does not wanting to go to a shower for a baby mean you aren't excited? (and how many dudes do you know who want a baby shower?)

[snowdragon]

I send gifts for most babies born, but I do not do showers for any but the first.  The original purpose of a shower was to welcome women into motherhood.

 I do not attend these for any reason, but that is more because it usually involves taking time off work. So my cut off for showers was always the mother's first.

 I don't think that showers were meant to outfit the child, so the parents don't have to - and there are plenty of opportunities to fete a child in the moths after their birth that a lack of a shower does not mean second and more kids aren't "welcomed' or "celebrated".

[StuffedGrapeLeaves]

I've always been more of the "why be so crazy judgemental over second/third showers" type anyway.  I think it's pretty obvious when parties are gift grabs, regardless of the type, what they're called, or what baby it happens to be.  And subesequent showers thrown by people that want to do something nice for the mother, aren't automatically gift grabs just because the mother happens to already have a child.

This is your brother's first child and it's his family that's throwing the family centered shower.  I don't see this as a big deal at all. 

Now, if this really is atrocious to you, then don't go.  I think it would be rude to accept an invitiaton to a party that you don't condone...especially if you're going to judge your mother for throwing it and your SIL for allowing it.  You'd be better off coming up with an excuse not to be there and I think that unless you can make this shower seem right in your eyes, that's what you should do.

I agree with bah12.   This doesn't smack of a gift-grab to me. 

[TurtleDove]

hobish, I think the fallacy is that everyone believes showers to be gift grabs or events designed to provide things for the guest of honor.  In my circle, this simply is not the case.  The point is to celebrate the new child (or whichever life event), not necessarily even to welcome the mother to motherhood.  I am not saying that we all have second showers - it is rare in my circle - but it has never ocurred to me to be judgmental of my friends or family and paint them as awful uncouth gimme pigs simply because of the wording used for what everyone invited knows is a celebration of whatever life event it is. Frankly, I would distance myself from someone who focused on "can you believe the poor manners of so and so? her mother is throwing her a baby shower!  how uncouth!" instead of simply being excited that there is a new child (or whatever life event).

[thedudeabides]

Maybe I'm crazy, judgmental, or atrocious (possibly all three)--but I think baby showers for more than your first child are over the top.  This is a different situation because it's the husband's first child, but not so much.  I believe in sprinkles for a child of different gender or babies born far apart, generally as a happy surprise, rather than a planned event.

That said, I do attend many of these events--for family only and only for the sake of keeping the peace.  I'm sure not everyone has in-laws like mine (at least I pray you don't) but I do believe the majority of these events to be gift grabs or a way of soliciting gifts instead of simply supplying the needed items yourself.  I've kept my feelings to myself, but after receiving a fourth shower invitation in as many years for the same sister-in-law, I do think it's ridiculous and entitled.

I don't understand, nor will I ever, why showers are necessary, especially multiple showers for the same couple.  A baby does not need a shower to be celebrated, loved, cared for, or welcomed to the world.  Most people are aware that a birth is a gift-giving occasion and will proceed accordingly.  Why parties are needed for each birth, as if that birth is not special, unique, or sanctified unless a party is given, no matter by whom or the number of showers preceding/accompanying it, is beyond me.

Well, if you're crazy, judgmental, or atrocious, then i am a monster I don't even like sprinkles. Baby showers are not for supplying the couple with items they need. They're for welcoming a woman to motherhood. Whether the kid is a different gender or several years behind its siblings should not be a matter, because stocking baby supplies is not supposed to be the point. I wonder if that is where people get the idea of grandparent showers, and pet showers to supply people with things they need. "A baby does not need a shower to be celebrated, loved, cared for, or welcomed to the world." You aren't kidding. Many people seem to think that "every baby deserves to be celebrated" automatically means a shower has to be held for every one, or they're somehow lesser.

This is your brother's first baby.  Be excited for them.

...? The OP makes no indication she isn't excited for her brother. Since when does not wanting to go to a shower for a baby mean you aren't excited? (and how many dudes do you know who want a baby shower?)

I would. New parenthood isn't something only mothers experience.

[Tabby Uprising]

(and how many dudes do you know who want a baby shower?)

My DH (aka Most Awesome Dad in the Universe  ). Why is that weird?  Dads are just as much of the baby making process as moms so why shouldn't they be part of the celebration?  I know I wasn't born with a rattle shaped baby-shower-loving gene just because I'm a woman.  I don't know how other people throw baby showers, but in my circle they usually include couples and there are no ladies-only rituals taking place.  They're just parties like any other parties but celebrated because of a baby's forthcoming arrival. 

We did receive gifts for the baby, but my DH opened them.  I'm happy being just on the edge of the spotlight!

[Eeep!]

hobish, I think the fallacy is that everyone believes showers to be gift grabs or events designed to provide things for the guest of honor.  In my circle, this simply is not the case.  The point is to celebrate the new child (or whichever life event), not necessarily even to welcome the mother to motherhood.  I am not saying that we all have second showers - it is rare in my circle - but it has never ocurred to me to be judgmental of my friends or family and paint them as awful uncouth gimme pigs simply because of the wording used for what everyone invited knows is a celebration of whatever life event it is. Frankly, I would distance myself from someone who focused on "can you believe the poor manners of so and so? her mother is throwing her a baby shower!  how uncouth!" instead of simply being excited that there is a new child (or whatever life event).

You know, I think I fall on this side of things far more than the other. Sometimes it feels like this whole emphasis on "no second showers" etc., is more so that we can pat ourselves on the back and say "well, we know the proper etiquette".  Surely, for your own friends, you should have the ability to make a somewhat correct guess as to their motivations for a shower?  Someone who is gift-grabby is going to be like that, not just for subsequent showers, but also likely for their first one.  Most people I know who aren't gift-grabby, inherently don't expect the same level of gifts for a subsequent shower as they do for the first one. (As an aside - the term sprinkle always makes me think of peeing too! LOL. Glad I'm not the only one!)  But maybe I just don't tend to be friends with people who would primarily see a shower as a way to stock up on loot. (Not to say I haven't seen people get plenty of stuff, of course!) but, like TurtleDove, more of a way to celebrate the baby, regardless of the origins of the practice.   I'm afraid I'm not being terribly articulate today, but I think it is a kindness to not ascribe nefarious motives to people who you otherwise love and respect.

And in the specific instance, where it IS the father's first baby I think, let him have his shower!  We had a co-ed shower for our first son and I know my huband really enjoyed it.

[SamiHami]

I also think the fact that it won't be the same group of people that were invited to her previous shower(s) makes a difference. I wouldn't be thrilled to be invited to repeated baby showers for the same person, but since the father's family likely did not attend showers for her other children, it's not as big a deal.

[hobish]

hobish, I think the fallacy is that everyone believes showers to be gift grabs or events designed to provide things for the guest of honor.  In my circle, this simply is not the case.  The point is to celebrate the new child (or whichever life event), not necessarily even to welcome the mother to motherhood.  I am not saying that we all have second showers - it is rare in my circle - but it has never ocurred to me to be judgmental of my friends or family and paint them as awful uncouth gimme pigs simply because of the wording used for what everyone invited knows is a celebration of whatever life event it is. Frankly, I would distance myself from someone who focused on "can you believe the poor manners of so and so? her mother is throwing her a baby shower!  how uncouth!" instead of simply being excited that there is a new child (or whatever life event).

Well, it's not like i go around yelling it from the mountaintops or anything. As with most things, tough, that works both ways - i have distance myself from friends who do this to the point of taking advantage, like the friend whose mother (really she) is planning her shower for their 4th kid. I will not be going, neither will my mom or sister. And again - where does the idea come from that a body can't think someone has atrocious manners in throwing multiole showers, etc. AND be excited for the new kid? They aren't mutually exclusive. No shower =/= no excitement, kid isn't special, etc. etc. etc.


I personally don't know any guys who would want a baby shower. Even the stay at home dads have laughed at me for having to attend them when i would rather be smoking cigars and beer tasting with the guys. I'm sure there are a few, but i am also sure it is a small cross-section.

[TurtleDove]

I think it is a kindness to not ascribe nefarious motives to people who you otherwise love and respect.

This states what I have been mostly unsuccessfully trying to for months!  I am not friends with people for whom my first (or even fourth or ninth) inclination would be to think poorly of them.  I am also not friends with greedy gimme pigs.  My family members are not greedy gimme pigs either, at least not the ones I am close enough with to be invited to a shower or other event.  I think I struggle to understand why various posters would be friends with people for whom this is not true. And if they are not friends, the solution is easy - RSVP no!

[SoCalVal]

I will admit I don't ge the whole "why does it matter who throws a shower" bit being tacky.    Times have changed. 

Pod.  My SIL might have a baby shower, and this would be her 2nd child, BIL's first.  Whether this were a first child (for both) baby shower or not, my feeling would still be the same -- I don't like attending these things.  However, as far as feeling she should/shouldn't have one, I don't care.  It would be my choice to attend or not, bring a gift or not.

[bah12]

hobish, I think the fallacy is that everyone believes showers to be gift grabs or events designed to provide things for the guest of honor.  In my circle, this simply is not the case.  The point is to celebrate the new child (or whichever life event), not necessarily even to welcome the mother to motherhood.  I am not saying that we all have second showers - it is rare in my circle - but it has never ocurred to me to be judgmental of my friends or family and paint them as awful uncouth gimme pigs simply because of the wording used for what everyone invited knows is a celebration of whatever life event it is. Frankly, I would distance myself from someone who focused on "can you believe the poor manners of so and so? her mother is throwing her a baby shower!  how uncouth!" instead of simply being excited that there is a new child (or whatever life event).

Well, it's not like i go around yelling it from the mountaintops or anything. As with most things, tough, that works both ways - i have distance myself from friends who do this to the point of taking advantage, like the friend whose mother (really she) is planning her shower for their 4th kid. I will not be going, neither will my mom or sister. And again - where does the idea come from that a body can't think someone has atrocious manners in throwing multiole showers, etc. AND be excited for the new kid? They aren't mutually exclusive. No shower =/= no excitement, kid isn't special, etc. etc. etc.


I personally don't know any guys who would want a baby shower. Even the stay at home dads have laughed at me for having to attend them when i would rather be smoking cigars and beer tasting with the guys. I'm sure there are a few, but i am also sure it is a small cross-section.

My DH attended our baby shower and I've been invited to several co-ed baby showers.  I don't know why you are so certain that all but a small cross-section of men suscribe to the stereotypes of cigar smoking and beer tasting.  Sure, my DH enjoys both those things, but so do I.  And I know plenty of men and women who would enjoy both drinking a beer and attending a baby shower.  Why can we not like both?

As for the rest...it's not that anyone is saying that you (general) cannot both think a baby shower is uncouth and be excited for the baby, but more that taking the time out to focus on whether or not a shower is gift-grabby and rude kind of takes away from the general happiness of the whole situation.  It's negative energy that just doesn't need to be expended.  Like I said, gift-grabby actions are pretty obvious to me and I've seen them for first babies just as much as second.  Those people that are expectant and take advantage of their friends didn't need to have a second shower for me to notice, because chances are they were that way the first time around too.  And likely I didn't stay friends with them enough to even think about the second or third shower.

I'm not into showers in general (personal preference) but rudeness wise, they just aren't that big of a deal to me when they are thrown by a group of people who genuinely want to do something nice.