Too early to the party/update #53

[camlan]

I think it's rude to show up more than 5 minutes early, whether it's a private home or a rented venue. To me, a rented venue is, for the duration of the event, an extension of the host's private home. They would have had the event at home, except that their home wasn't big enough, or didn't have a sound stage or pool or something else needed for that event.

No one has made as many wrong turns following a set of directions as I have, or noticed a street sign just in time to realize there's no way I can make the turn and I'll have to drive another mile or two to find a place to turn around. That's just the nature of me driving by myself in the car. So I always build in 30 minutes to my travel time when I'm driving somewhere I've never been before. If I know the route, I allow 15 extra minutes in case of a flat tire, or traffic jam or whathaveyou.

I know I'm going to be early, so I plan for it. There's always a book or a crocheting project to do. If I know the area, I'll plan to stop at a certain shop, or get coffee. I've even just driven around the town a little bit to kill time. But I'm not going to burst in early on my hosts because I'm bad at following directions.

Now, in a large venue, there's no reason someone can't enter the building and find a place to hang out that isn't the party room. Many hotels and function halls have restrooms you can use and a lobby to wait in. So you aren't restricted to waiting in your car until the appointed hour of the party.

[Sharnita]

As far as waiting in the car, everybody must be attending events in temperate climates and safe neighborhoods. That is great and in those cases I can and will wait in the car if I am early but the conditions really don't allow for waiting in the car all of the time. 

[Roe]

IMO, she was rude.  She could'v easily fiddled with her phone at a Starbucks, in her car, on a bench, inside a mall...the list of options can go on and on.  She could've also driven around the block a few times as I've had to do.  If she were dropped off, she could've done any of the things I mentioned anyway.  Heck, taking a walk is an option too!  Indoor, outdoor walk...yep. 

[Danika]

I know I'm going to be early, so I plan for it. There's always a book or a crocheting project to do. If I know the area, I'll plan to stop at a certain shop, or get coffee. I've even just driven around the town a little bit to kill time. But I'm not going to burst in early on my hosts because I'm bad at following directions.

I agree. That's why I think the early guest should have considered other options.

For about 5 years, DH and I lived 60-120 miles from most of our friends. We always built in extra time for arriving at events because we never knew how the roads would be. We live in a place that's freezing cold in the winter and super hot in the summer. We always made sure we had a full tank of gasoline in case the drive took longer than usual, or we had to wait in the car for a few minutes with the heat or air-conditioning running. With good friends, we'd ask what they suggested we do if we did arrive early. But generally, we would slow the pace of our driving toward the end of the journey if we arrived in the destination city faster than anticipated. We knew in general that we'd arrive places from on time to 40 minutes early, and we always planned for that so that we didn't inconvenience our hosts.

[kudeebee]

Many venues have a lobby where someone who is early can sit and wait until the appointed time of the event.  Perhaps the early guest thought this venue would have such a place and upon arrival found out there was no place to sit and wait.  She did stay out of the way and didn't expect you to provide her with anything. While there were shops nearby, maybe there was not seating available for her to use (maybe being on her feet for that long is not feasible for her to do without tiring her out).  Maybe it was too cold or too hot to just sit in the car and wait. Maybe she didn't want to have to buy a drink so she could sit down in a coffee shop.  Who knows what the reason was.

OP==did you ever talk to other hostess and find out why she was early?

Arriving early--more than 5 minutes--at a private home is a no-no to me.  I know I always use that last 30 minutes for getting dressed and for last minute details and I am sure others do as well.  Arriving early, unless invited to do so, would only put a guest in the way.  I, too, always have a book to read if I arrive early or will drive around the block/neighborhood or if not too hot or cold, just sit in the car and wait.

[MrsJWine]

At a venue, I think it's a bit different. So long as she didn't get in the way, I don't think it's outright rude. Someone's house is completely different, though. Some acquaintances showed up an hour early to my house for lunch once. It completely threw me. I didn't stay mad about it or anything, but I didn't invite them over again, either. It would have been bad enough under ideal circumstances, but my husband was away, I had a new baby (my first, so not much experience), and had planned to nurse her shortly before they were due to arrive. It was a very awkward situation.

Now, if one of my best friends showed up early, I probably wouldn't care, even if it were in my own house. That's because I don't care if they see my house messy, or see me in my housework clothes, or sit in the living room alone while I finish doing my hair.

So in my own rambly way I guess I'm saying that circumstances and the nature of the relationships play a big role in whether or not this is rude. I would say the situation in the OP was probably not, since it was a venue, and the woman knew one of the organizers well.

[lowspark]

I haven't talked to the other hostess about it. I will probably ask her next time I see her, although that might not be all that soon.

Again, the early guest did not know the other hostess well. Just as an acquaintance. She is a friend of the GOH and therefore someone the other hostess had just met in passing. Remember, the three hostesses are all friends with the mother of the guest of honor.

[Sharnita]

As far as fashionably late, to me that conveys the message "the party doesn't start until I arrive anyway".  It seems abit arrogant to me and I find it rude.  Too early is a problem but prompt is polite, IMO. Fashionably late makes it about you.

[sammycat]

As far as fashionably late, to me that conveys the message "the party doesn't start until I arrive anyway".  It seems abit arrogant to me and I find it rude.  Too early is a problem but prompt is polite, IMO. Fashionably late makes it about you.

Definitely!

[KenveeB]

More than 5-10 minutes early is rude. (I think more than 5 minutes is a bad idea, but I add in a bit for the margin of error for clocks running faster or slower.) You shouldn't put your hosts on the spot with trying to figure out what to do with you. I'm habitually early (very early) virtually everywhere because I'm completely paranoid about being late. But if I'm more than 5 minutes early, I do some window shopping or sit in the car/lobby/bathroom and check email on my phone. It's not hard to kill a little time, and unless there's no place else to wait in the middle of a blizzard or something, I don't really see a reason not to.

[MrsJWine]

As far as fashionably late, to me that conveys the message "the party doesn't start until I arrive anyway".  It seems abit arrogant to me and I find it rude.  Too early is a problem but prompt is polite, IMO. Fashionably late makes it about you.

Definitely!

I always think "five minutes past the given time" when I hear "fashionably late." Not, "look at me!!" Maybe that's where the phrase comes from, but that's not how I hear it used, ever.

I much prefer someone err on the side of caution and show up at 6:10 by their clock than show up exactly on time and be ten minutes early by my clock.

[LadyR]

This happened at my wedding.

My cocktail hour began at 5:30, with dinner at 6. We arranged for the bridal party to arrive at 5 so that the receiving line could be all ready when the guests arrive. Our decorator as always busy putting hte final touches up, the bar was being set up, etc. It was a small venue, so there wasn't a lot of room to maneuver.

The bridal party arrived early and as we were rushing to set up, at about 5 minutes after 5, we had some guests arrive. Everyone was still rushing around and it was tight and they definitely would have gotten in the way, so the co-oridator at the venue actually asked them to wait outside or leave and come back at 5:30 and they were definitely a little put out about it, but another 5 or 6 people milling about would have been in the way.

I try not to be more than 5 minutes early.

[lady_disdain]

I find arriving too early (aka, more than a couple minutes) as rude as showing up uninvited. The invitation states what time the guests are welcome and anything beyond that is inconsiderate of the host, who is busy setting up. I can't imagine a place that has absolutely no alternative to spend ten or fifteen minutes, even if it is sitting in the car or driving around the block. And I live in an unsafe city!

I love some descriptions of old card parties, where the guests would arrive 5 minutes early, congregate outside for a few minutes until the hostess opened the door at 5 clock sharp.

[Sharnita]

As far as fashionably late, to me that conveys the message "the party doesn't start until I arrive anyway".  It seems abit arrogant to me and I find it rude.  Too early is a problem but prompt is polite, IMO. Fashionably late makes it about you.

Definitely!

I always think "five minutes past the given time" when I hear "fashionably late." Not, "look at me!!" Maybe that's where the phrase comes from, but that's not how I hear it used, ever.

I much prefer someone err on the side of caution and show up at 6:10 by their clock than show up exactly on time and be ten minutes early by my clock.

The problem with that is that people say "Nobody will be there until 5 minutes after, and I don't want to be the first person..." so then they come 10 minutes late.  Then it morphs into 12, 15 ...

[lowspark]

Yeah, I guess what I mean by "fashionbly late" is anywhere up to 15 minutes late. Certainly I do not mean arrive an hour late and make a grand entrance! I know what you mean, Sharnita, about the progressiveness of being late so as not to be the first one there. On the other hand, if everyone arrived at exactly the start time - on the dot, it might be a bit chaotic depending on the size of the party. Of course, the chances of everyone arriving at the exact same time are pretty slim if it's more than just a few people.

Once the party got going, I honestly didn't notice what time everyone was arriving as there were a good many who were there within that bracket of 10 minutes before to 20 minutes after. I do know there were several who arrived after that. It was a fairly large room and there were many people invited whom I'd never met before so I wasn't keeping track.