Author Topic: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"  (Read 1726 times)

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jpcher

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Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« on: March 18, 2013, 03:33:00 PM »
I'll admit, I'm realizing that I'm a bit of a control freak in this area.

I took the day off in order to help DD#2 pack and get everything ready for her trip to France. She leaves tomorrow. We went out and did the last-minute shopping stuff, she has her list put together and is now watching TV while I'm chomping on the bit.

According to my schedule, we should be packing right now. Just in case anything was forgotten so we won't be running out at the last minute (10:00 p.m. ::)) or some such thing.

According to DD#2's schedule, she'll want me to help her pack at 8:00 when I'll be in relax mode.



Different scenario: The same happened when the DDs were younger and I'd ask them to empty the dishwasher or clean a bathroom. The job would get done, but it might be 2-3 hours later (if I nagged them . . . "Is it done yet?" the response was "I'll do it!) or it might even not get done until the next day.



Turnabout comes to fair play, as far as I'm thinking. Recently, a friend asked me to do a favor for her (design a brochure.) I told her it would take at least a week, but it would get done.

Two days later she asked me "Is it done yet?"

I had to laugh at myself. "I'll do it!" kinda like my kids said to me "It will get done!"

But not on your schedule. On mine. (The favor was accomplished within the week, as promised.)



Just wondering what you all thought of this.

Do you expect your kids to do chores or anything that involves your time on "Your Schedule" like "the dishwasher needs to be emptied by Xtime?" or them asking you to "Please drive me here while you're working."

When you do favors for friends? Do you bend over backwards in order to get the favor done on their schedule? Or do you say "I'll be happy to do that for you, but it will have to coincide with "My Schedule?"






Shalamar

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2013, 04:12:16 PM »
It definitely drives me nuts when I ask my daughters to do a chore and it's still not done hours later.  Especially laundry.  We have a deal with our 16-year-old; we pay her $1 for every load of laundry she does, but ideally we like to have all of it done and ready to fold/put away by Sunday afternoon.  There are some weeks when she starts doing it Friday and it's not finished until Wednesday!

lowspark

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2013, 04:19:38 PM »
My kids are grown now, but when they were younger and living at home, then yeah, it was my schedule. I'm the parent, I get to set that schedule.

With friends (and now with my kids since they are adults) it's more of a negotiated mutually convenient time. So I'll say what I'd like or need, they come back with when they can do it, etc, back and forth till we come to an agreement. Or vice versa. It's just like setting any social appointment. We both check our calendars and set a time based on availabiltiy and other pertinent factors.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2013, 04:24:44 PM »
My kids are pretty little, so usually things need to be done on my schedule, just because I mostly manage their schedule, so I need them to get the chore done now so they can get violin practice done and then work on their science experiment, etc.

However, if the chore doesn't have to get done so that somebody else can do something (like Charlotte needing to unload the dishwasher so that Jenny can load it), and I don't have anything else that they need to do, I might give them a deadline without making them do it right away.  Or I might give them the choice, "Okay, I need you to get this basket of clothes folded and your violin practice done before dinner.  Which would you like to do first?"

As they get older, I'll let them manage their time first.  But I do think that giving a deadline and consequences for not meeting it is fair.

Honestly, my husband is a huge procrastinator.  He loves to work on houses, but he gets into a project, then gets bored of it and leaves it half done (or undone) for... months.  Or whatever.  I've talked to him about how, in our new house, we're going to have a formal contract.  If he wants to build a garage, he's going to spec it out and plan it and determine how long it'll take.  I'll give him some extra time for unexpected problems, but we'll have a firm deadline (and probably not a single deadline for the whole project, but deadlines for smaller parts of it along the way).  If the work isn't done by that time, there will be a specific consequence, probably him having to hire a contractor to do it.  He hates this, as he is a perfectionist and doesn't like others' work, plus he hates to pay somebody else to do something he can do, so this will be a real inducement to him.

QueenfaninCA

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2013, 04:54:06 PM »
"DD, if you need help packing, I am available right now. If you prefer to pack later tonight, you will need to do it by yourself."

Lynn2000

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2013, 05:18:03 PM »
This was something that used to drive me nuts when I was younger and lived with my parents. Mostly by proxy, watching my parents miscommunicate about stuff--my mom would mean "NOW" and my dad would interpret it as "someday." Not fun.

I don't have this scenario come up too much, for whatever reason, but when it does I try to remind myself to give deadlines or alternatives. Like, "Please have this done by Friday afternoon," or "If you don't get it done by Wednesday at 5pm, let me know and I will do it myself." It's awkward sometimes though, because if I don't remember to give a deadline right away, adding one later sounds like I'm getting impatient with them. (Which I am, but it can't really be their fault because I didn't tell them my expectation at the beginning.)

I prefer it when other people do that with me, as I'm not always good at intuiting what other people's expectations are. That doesn't mean they state a deadline and I automatically agree, but I would at least like to know what they're thinking, then I counter that if necessary.
~Lynn2000

nuit93

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2013, 05:21:57 PM »
This is one I've been going over with LIB, since we both have different perspectives on chores.

When I was growing up, if told to do a chore the ONLY proper response was to immediately stop what I was doing and do said chore.  "Just a minute" was not considered a respectful/acceptable answer.  While it was taken to extremes that I don't think were necessary (I was chewed out for giving the 'just a minute' response...because I was in the bathroom!), it's still how I tend to operate--if I'm at home and I'm not working, I'll either work on some household chore or schedule it to get done. 

LIB doesn't respond as well to being asked to do something, his attitude is more "I'll get to it this week, if you really want it done sooner you can do it yourself.".  I've had to learn to let go of a lot.

jaxsue

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2013, 05:42:28 PM »
"DD, if you need help packing, I am available right now. If you prefer to pack later tonight, you will need to do it by yourself."

This.

OP, like you I'd be all for packing in the afternoon. I like to relax in the evenings. You are offering help; I say it's on your terms or not at all.

JustEstelle

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2013, 05:51:36 PM »
Interesting that you bring this up, OP.  Yesterday, I asked DH to help me with the 40-lb. box of cat litter we bought.  I wasn't sure that I could lift it to refill the cat boxes.  I could do the scooping and clean up on my own, but the boxes needed to be refilled.  I just needed him to lift that box and divide the litter into two smaller buckets for me so that I could more easily carry a lighter bucket than a heavy box.  He knew I needed to help him, but he found all these "projects" that needed his immediate attention right then.  So I waited and fumed.  I was just about ready to wrestle with the box myself and hope for the best when he finally put away what he was doing and did as I'd asked - two hours later.  And this after our old lady cat, disgusted at the state of her box, left a puddle on the floor that I had to clean up.   >:(

Now, if I'd been nagging him to "get in there and clean out those cat boxes," I could understand him taking his good sweet time to do it.  I wouldn't like it (nor would the cat) but I could understand wanting to do things on your own time, at your own pace.  But I was going to be the one doing the dirty work and clean up.  I just needed his muscle for that one thing.

ETA:  The projects he was occupying himself with instead of help me were not projects that were time-sensitive or emergency in nature.  They were just things that he had been putting off doing and it seemed all of a sudden that he had to mess around with them.  I think he was doing it just because he knew it annoyed me.  He can be PA that way.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2013, 05:53:49 PM by JustEstelle »

LazyDaisy

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2013, 06:00:24 PM »
OP, I understand why packing for an international trip has you anxious for your dear daughter. Could you have her set out the absolute must-have-or-can't-go items like the plane ticket, passport, and any medications right now and then tell her she can pack the rest at her own pace? After all, if she forgets her itinerary, magazine to read, camera, swimsuit, PJs, shampoo, favorite sweater, etc. because she waited too long and then was in a rush, she'll live, and hopefully learn. In France, she can either buy what she forgot or go without. In fact, having to use any fun spending money she has buying necessities will really drive the lesson home.
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siamesecat2965

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2013, 06:04:24 PM »
I hated this growing up. My mom would asked me to do things, and I'd do them when I felt like it, as she never communicated that she wanted it done right then and there. we had many a fight over that.

As I got older, college, and after when I was still at home, we had epic battles over the holidays. We would have company, and my mom would ask me to help. fine. I'd ask "what would you like me to do? she'd say "please vacuum the LR and DR" I would do it, then say, "ok, what next?" she'd say "give me a minute" which turned into many. I'd get tired of waiting, and go read or watch tv, and she'd come by, sigh and say "'must be nice to be able to read/watch tv"

I finally broke her of this habit by telling her I was happy to help her out, but only if she gave me a list of all chores she wanted done. this way I could do one, move on, and so on. And if no list was provided, no help would be given. it sounds harsh, and makes me sound bratty, but we both realized it worked.

EVen today when I go visit her, there are always some things she needs help with, so we do the same thing, and I will ask, what needs to be done now, and what can be done before I leave (I usually stay a week or so).

I like the suggestion someone made about if she packs now, you will help, but if she waits, she's on her own.

Brisvegasgal

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2013, 06:33:44 PM »
I am a negotiator of time.  I grew up with a Mum who wanted EVERYTHING done on her schedule whether reasonable or not because she was anxious. This led to quite a few fights (especially when I was a teenager) til I realised that I could just ask her when and why she wanted things done in her time frame.  Now, I didn't always do things in her time frame, particularly when I thought she was being unreasonable, but if I understood her anxiety, then I could make allowances.

Do I automatically agree to other people's time frames - absolutely not.  Am I sometimes a teeny bit unreasonable about other people fitting into my schedule - yes.  Does negotiating work for me - most of the time.

BTW, I do not like to pack at the last minute and will pack bags the night before going on holiday so I can have a relaxing morning (etc.).  But because of my childhood experiences, I accept that I pack alone and that I pack everyone's stuff (my boys are 9 & 12 so this is still possible).

kckgirl

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2013, 06:41:49 PM »
I think you can just tell DD that you want her to check her packing list because you WILL NOT run out at 10 p.m. to get something she could have discovered was missing at a more reasonable hour. That might get her moving.
Maryland

camlan

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2013, 06:58:35 PM »
I think you can just tell DD that you want her to check her packing list because you WILL NOT run out at 10 p.m. to get something she could have discovered was missing at a more reasonable hour. That might get her moving.

This.

What are the chances that she's forgotten something truly vital? Very slim. And let's face it, there are stores in Paris. Pretty much everything except maybe prescription medications can be easily purchased after she lands. Sure, it might cost more, and she might inconvenience some other members of the tour or miss seeing something she wants to see.

What's that thread about young adults learning the hard way?
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn

jpcher

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Re: Expecting people to do things on "Your/Their Schedule"
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2013, 03:24:14 PM »
Thanks, all! It seems like I'm not the only one in this boat, especially where kids are concerned. And, yes, when I was a kid living at home, my mom expected me to drop whatever I was doing whenever she asked me to do something.


My kids are pretty little, so usually things need to be done on my schedule, just because I mostly manage their schedule, so I need them to get the chore done now so they can get violin practice done and then work on their science experiment, etc.

However, if the chore doesn't have to get done so that somebody else can do something (like Charlotte needing to unload the dishwasher so that Jenny can load it), and I don't have anything else that they need to do, I might give them a deadline without making them do it right away.  Or I might give them the choice, "Okay, I need you to get this basket of clothes folded and your violin practice done before dinner.  Which would you like to do first?"

MommyPenguin -- I think you're spot-on as to how you're handling the situation.

Now, if I'd been nagging him to "get in there and clean out those cat boxes," I could understand him taking his good sweet time to do it.  I wouldn't like it (nor would the cat) but I could understand wanting to do things on your own time, at your own pace.  But I was going to be the one doing the dirty work and clean up.  I just needed his muscle for that one thing.

ETA:  The projects he was occupying himself with instead of help me were not projects that were time-sensitive or emergency in nature.  They were just things that he had been putting off doing and it seemed all of a sudden that he had to mess around with them.  I think he was doing it just because he knew it annoyed me.  He can be PA that way.

LOL! I knew somebody just like that (LDH). Gotta love them anyway. ;D

I think that his PAness taught me patience with the DDs when they were younger.

Scheduling and making a time-line list does work wonders.

In the past, when the guest-list was 1/2 of their friends? I would expect them to help with food prep, cleaning, etc. I'd give them a job to do and they would say "But I need to take a shower and get ready!" I used to respond in a not-so-pretty way ::) to the point where I never wanted to throw a big party again because I was doing all the work.

Preparing for the past few big parties that DDs & I have thrown went smooth as clockwork. Now that we have a list? We're the hostess' with the mostess 8) and actually have fun.

Expecting people to do things on "My Schedule" is something that I still need to work on, but I'm a whole lot better than what I was in the past.



DD#2 did end up packing by herself, after dinner, while I was reading a book. She came out to the living room a few times to ask questions, and I poked my head into her room . . . she did just fine.

Except she forgot to pack her belts. Which a lot of her outfits are tied into. Too Bad, So Sad.


What's that thread about young adults learning the hard way?

 ;D