Author Topic: Obligations to houseguest. (Long) small update #63 final update #72  (Read 15166 times)

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SiotehCat

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Some BG: DH does work as a "Gaming Expert"(GE) at gaming tournaments during the weekend. Sometimes they are local, but usually not. Sometimes, when they are local to us, we will have GE's from other parts of the country asking if they can stay with us.

BG: My husband always tells them the same thing. We do not have a guest room, but we have comfy couches and an air mattress. As long as they are okay with this and our cats, they are welcome to stay with us.

BG: The way this has always worked is, they come in on Friday. Dh will pick them up at the bus station or airport. Saturday and Sunday, I drive them to the tournament (around 8am) and pick them up at the end of the tournament(around 11pm). They are given money for meals each day($20) and usually eat at the tournament.

The story: One GE, Joe, asked DH if he could stay with us for this weekend. Dh agreed. Joe is scheduled to arrive Friday. Two weeks ago, Joe tells DH that his plans have changed a little bit and he will be arriving Thursday instead and he hopes that is okay with DH. DH is not okay with this, but doesn't respond for over a week. We both felt like that was not enough time to ask Joe to find other accomodations for Thursday. So, DH plans to pick Joe up Thursday night at 11:30. Because he is traveling by bus, he is going to call DH when he gets in.

11:30 comes and goes with no phone call from Joe. Joe finally calls at 1am saying that his bus ran late. DH picks him up. Joe will be go sightseeing the next morning and DH will be going to work.

The next morning(Friday), DH is killing time on his ipad before work. He looks up and Joe is in our bedroom. They talk a little bit about the plans for the day. Joe then tells Dh that he has had a problem with his budget and doesn't have any money. None. At this point, DH is unsure what to do, but knows that he wants Joe out of the house for the day. So, DH asks what Joe needs in order for him to go sightseeing like he wanted. DH gives Joe food, buys him a metro card and puts money on it. He leaves Joe at the subway station and they agree on a time DH will pick him up.

At this point, we know that we will be feeding Joe dinner as well. We pick him up at the designated time, feed him dinner and all is well.

Saturday, they leave very early and come  home very late. As Dh and I are laying in bed, Joe comes into our bedroom and turns on our light. He asks us if we have a specific charger that he needs. Still in shock, I get up and find him the kind of charger that he needs.

Sunday, I drop them off very early and pick them up very late. On the way home, Joe asks if we can stop for fast food because he is hungry. We go through the fast food drive thru. Dh picks up the bill for the both of them.

Monday morning, Dh takes Joe to the subway station. Joe is going to take the subway to the bus station. They check the amount of money left on Joe's metro card and there is close to $5 still on it. Dh thinks that should be enough to get him to the bus station, but Joe doesn't think so. As Dh is about to leave, Joe says "Wait. What about the fare?". Dh puts a little more money on Joe's metro card and leaves.  - End of Story

DH had a hard time figuring out how to deal with Joe. He was irritated with Joe, but felt bad complaining about him. We were both stumped on which situations we could have handled differently. How could we have handled the fact that he was completely broke?

What should we have done? What were we obligated to do? We didn't want to reprimand him like a child.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2013, 01:50:58 PM by SiotehCat »

siamesecat2965

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Re: Obligations to houseguest.
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2013, 07:02:57 PM »
wow, that's a tough one. the only thing you could have done differently perhaps was told joe from the start Thursday night wasn't possible, so he could have found other accommodations.

Joe should have called to let you know his bus was running late, and I'm not buying the "trouble" with his budget. either he had the money or not. he had to have known before left whether he did or not. I think you both were very good to him, but I probably would have done the same. I wouldn't have felt right simply letting him out on his own with no money.  I don't know that there is anything to do, aside from never letting him stay with you again.

i would have also been torn between giving him money to sightsee, or saying sorry, but leaving him in your home alone.

I don't know that you were obligated to do anything, but Joe made it quite awkward for you, and I think you handled things the best you could.


Zilla

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Re: Obligations to houseguest.
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2013, 07:06:19 PM »
Is  he coming back?  Are you asking what to do if it happens again?
 
If  he is coming back and want to know what to do.  I would be start at the beginning contact.  When he firsts calls and asks about coming to stay.  It needs to be said, "Hey yeah it shouldn't be a problem but we gotta straighten out a few details.  First off, I won't have money to lend you this trip. And second, please knock before entering my bedroom."
Simple as that.

LadyL

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2013, 07:07:55 PM »
The only expense I'd have covered for Joe would be a bus ticket back home Friday. I'm sorry but someone who goes on a three day trip with no money is fully intending to do nothing but mooch.

MummySweet

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Re: Obligations to houseguest.
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2013, 07:10:38 PM »
In this type of situation, your only obligation was to provide Joe with a place to sleep, per your DH's arrangement with him.   

It's easy to say from my side of the screen, (and probably much harder when faced with the situation), but when Joe first said he was broke you or your DH should have asked, "How will you be eating and covering your other expenses? "    When it became clear that his stay was going to be on your dime, you should have taken him back to the bus station.  (Again, much easier said than done.)    Would this course of action reflected badly on your DH with the other GEs? 

You didn't want to treat him like a child, but politely telling him "No Deal" on the mooching would not have been treating him like a child, but like the Mooch he is. 

The only fault I see on you side was your DH not responding to Joe's request to arrive early in a timely manner. (Two weeks out would have been enough time to find other accommodation or change back to original plan.)

I bet you were glad to see the back of him!


Surianne

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2013, 07:19:56 PM »
The only expense I'd have covered for Joe would be a bus ticket back home Friday. I'm sorry but someone who goes on a three day trip with no money is fully intending to do nothing but mooch.

I agree.  I think the best thing to do would have been to tell him, "We don't have any money in our budget to pay for you.  We can loan you subway money to get home now, if you like" and let him decide whether to pay for himself or go home early.


Katana_Geldar

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2013, 07:25:22 PM »
Joe not only should have had money to cover himself but to shout you omitting as well in gratitude for being your guest.

If I was Joe, I would have covered that fast food drive thru.

What sort of gaming is it? Tabletop? You can get some oddballs in there for sure, and I consider myself a gamer.

Coming into your bedroom, not once but twice is really not ok. You don't go into the bedroom of a house where you are staying as a guest unless your host I cites you to do so, and even then I probably wouldn't.
« Last Edit: March 18, 2013, 07:29:47 PM by Katana_Geldar »

MommyPenguin

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2013, 07:25:46 PM »
I agree with LadyL.  On Friday, I'd have dropped him off somewhere where he could walk around or hang out at a park.  If he didn't bring money to sightsee, a neighborhood park is enough for him.  Why did he come on Thursday if he didn't have enough money to do anything on Friday?  That sounds deliberate.

I think it would have been hard to exclude him from dinner on Friday, unless you didn't pick him up until after dinner.  I'd probably have let him have something, either dinner or some food at the house, but nothing super expensive and not excessive amounts.

Did he have money for food on Sunday?  I'm not sure about the fast food thing.  I'd probably have told him he could get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at the house if he didn't have any money.

As for coming into your bedroom and turning on the light... that was completely inappropriate.  I'd probably have jumped to my feet and said, "What are you DOING?" but it's hard to say what you'd do in those circumstances.  What I would try not to do would be to reward him by giving him the charger.  And I'd probably point out that it's polite to knock.

I wouldn't invite him again or allow him to invite himself again.  However, if he requested to come, I *would* tell him exactly why, on the case that he's a socially awkward type who simply didn't get what the problem was.  It might be useful to him for next time.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2013, 08:39:47 PM »
Color me confused.

In your original post, you state you give these other GEs who stay with you twenty dollars for food for the day?  Why do you do this?   Is this yoru dh's responsibility?  or does this come from the company your dh works for? 

Why are all these other GE's asking to stay with you?  Is there some type of notice you put out stating you have space or has this just become common that people know this information from previous gaming events?

From now on, I would tell anyone that is asking to stay with you that they may stay Friday thru Sunday or Monday am only.  Nothing is provided. They are on their own for all meals, sight seeing, etc..  You are only providing a place to sleep and travel to and from the event at your dh's convenience. Anything other than that, they are on their own. 

There is no way my dh would not have said something about coming into our bedroom without knocking or something.  And I would have said something myself.   There is no way this would have been allowed.

Also, your dh should have immediately informed Joe that Thursday would not be possible at your home, not waiting a full week to do so, especially for someone who tells you that their plans have changed and they will be coming a day earlier without conferring with your dh first on the matter. 

I would not host Joe in my home for any reason in the future.  A simple, "That will not be possible" is all your dh needs to say.

Isisnin

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2013, 08:54:35 PM »
It sounds like there is a central organization that manages the GEs (i.e. whomever pays them the $20), is that correct?  DH could have told Joe to contact them for help.  DH should still call that organization to make them aware of Joe's inappropriate mooching.  You probably aren't the only ones to offer accommodations to GEs and the other generous people would appreciate either being warned about Joe or Joe being straightened out.

SiotehCat

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2013, 08:56:42 PM »
Color me confused.

In your original post, you state you give these other GEs who stay with you twenty dollars for food for the day?  Why do you do this?   Is this yoru dh's responsibility?  or does this come from the company your dh works for? 

Why are all these other GE's asking to stay with you?  Is there some type of notice you put out stating you have space or has this just become common that people know this information from previous gaming events?

From now on, I would tell anyone that is asking to stay with you that they may stay Friday thru Sunday or Monday am only.  Nothing is provided. They are on their own for all meals, sight seeing, etc..  You are only providing a place to sleep and travel to and from the event at your dh's convenience. Anything other than that, they are on their own. 

There is no way my dh would not have said something about coming into our bedroom without knocking or something.  And I would have said something myself.   There is no way this would have been allowed.

Also, your dh should have immediately informed Joe that Thursday would not be possible at your home, not waiting a full week to do so, especially for someone who tells you that their plans have changed and they will be coming a day earlier without conferring with your dh first on the matter. 

I would not host Joe in my home for any reason in the future.  A simple, "That will not be possible" is all your dh needs to say.

The meal money is given by the tournament organizers to all the GE's who are working the event. This is why we both thought that Joe wouldn't be broke after Friday.

My DH has been involved with this gaming community for a long time. He knows people from all over. At this point, we do not invite anyone. They just all know that he lives in this area.

We have never had to specify anything before because we have never ran into his situation. Now we know that, going forward, we will need to be specific about a few things.

And Joe will never be staying with us again.

doodlemor

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2013, 09:05:24 PM »
The first mis-step was letting Joe come early, when you both had to work on Friday.  I assume that your DH was busy and forgot to respond in a timely way, but I bet that this weird experience will keep him from forgetting in the future.

I agree with LadyL that your DH should have put him right back on the bus as soon as he made his Friday morning confession of being broke.  I also agree with Surianne that you could have told him that you just couldn't afford to pay for him.  Isisnin is right that DH should let others know about his behavior so that he can't pull this again.

I would have been thoroughly creeped out by having him come in to the bedroom late at night, and probably would have had a lot of trouble sleeping after that.  There is something incredibly disrespectful about that........I feel a little shivery just thinking about it.  I would have been tempted to drag a piece of furniture across the door, or wedge a chair under the knob.

Do you know this person very well?  He sounds like someone who may still live with his parents, and is still very dependent on them.  How old of a man is he?  His behavior sounds more like that of a youngish teenager than that of an adult.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2013, 09:41:44 PM »
Someone coming into my room late at night asking about something trivial would in no way be received politely. They would be told to go away in various four letter words.

Unfortunately, gamers do have the reputation for lacking social courtesies and not being willing to do anything about them. My first convention I went to, a guy scared me in an overly religious way and now I know him as 'the creepy person with the Jesus beard'. And I'm not the only person who has stories about him.

Calistoga

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2013, 10:15:23 PM »
The title is Obligations to the House Guest, so working from there...

You do NOT have an obligation to provide a guest with money for anything. A nice person would probably help him get home, but it's utterly unacceptable to come on what is essentially a business trip with no money.

You do NOT have to allow a guest access to your bedroom at all, especially at night while you are sleeping.

You do NOT have to allow a guest to come early if it's a hindrance for you. This one I object to the least because it probably wouldn't make much difference to me, but if it does to you, then speak up.

Basically you had an obligation to provide a couch since you offered.


kudeebee

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #14 on: March 18, 2013, 11:28:06 PM »
Definitely do not host Joe again.  When Joe said he didn't have any money, dh should have replied "hey that's tough but there are plenty of things you can do for free.  I can loan you the $20 you will get for Saturday's meals today so you can ride the metro if needed.  I will keep your $20 meal allotment for Saturday so be sure to save some money for meals that day."
As for the mcdonalds drive through, I would have done two separate orders==one for dh and one for Joe.  When Joe said he didn't have money, you could have cancelled his order.

Maybe it is time to start rethinking hosting ge's.