Author Topic: Obligations to houseguest. (Long) small update #63 final update #72  (Read 13996 times)

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SiotehCat

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #15 on: March 18, 2013, 11:39:47 PM »
With the drive thru, Joe didn't ask DH to pay for his meal. DH did that just to be nice.

I only mentioned it because the very next day, Joe wanted DH to pay his fare at the subway station. I figured he couldn't have been totally broke. He had to at least have the drive thru money that he saved.

Thanks for the advice everyone. If DH and I ever run into this kind of situation again, we will be better equipped to handle it.

Midnight Kitty

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #16 on: March 18, 2013, 11:42:54 PM »
What happened to the $20/day stipend he received for working the tournament?  Do you have a way to contact him?  If so, I would send him a bill, not for staying on the couch, but for all the rest of the stuff he mooched from you.  If he didn't pay me back, I would tell the tournament organizers of his misdeeds so potential hosts/esses can be forewarned.
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Raintree

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2013, 12:18:10 AM »
Walking into your bedroom at any time, especially 1 AM and turning the lights on, seriously crossed a line. He does sound like a teenager living at home.

As for not having money for sightseeing, I'd also have dropped him off at a park or somewhere he could go for a walk. How could he plan to be there for the Friday knowing he didn't have any money to do things? What a mooch. And he should have bought the fast food. He was the one who suggested it, and it's a nice gesture for a guest to treat the hosts to something.

kansha

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #18 on: March 19, 2013, 12:42:49 AM »
As another game judge: report his behavior to whoever is in charge of organizing the staff for the local events you're "expected" to put people up for!

Fleur

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #19 on: March 19, 2013, 05:51:11 AM »


What a mooch. You had no obligation to him whatsoever, and frankly I would have sent him packing. I had a 'friend' pull a stunt like that on me, a few years back. We are no longer friends.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #20 on: March 19, 2013, 07:44:34 AM »
Walking into your bedroom at any time, especially 1 AM and turning the lights on, seriously crossed a line. He does sound like a teenager living at home.

As for not having money for sightseeing, I'd also have dropped him off at a park or somewhere he could go for a walk. How could he plan to be there for the Friday knowing he didn't have any money to do things? What a mooch. And he should have bought the fast food. He was the one who suggested it, and it's a nice gesture for a guest to treat the hosts to something.

That was my impression as well, along with another's poster of some gamers reminding me of Sheldon Cooper or Howard Wolowitz of Big Bang Theory.
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Tea Drinker

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #21 on: March 19, 2013, 08:35:43 AM »
If you hear from this guy again, that's a good time to say "hey, you owe us thus-and-such amount from your last visit. Please send us a check so we can get this dealt with quickly" and see what he says. Maybe he's honest and you'll get the money, and if not, saying that might make it harder for him to ask for more. Best case, he's genuinely clueless and didn't put together "no money" with "what will I do on Friday?" but just thought in terms of having the day off and visiting the big city being more interesting than staying home. Whether he repays you in that case will depend partly on whether he's chronically short on money.

It occurs to me (for future reference) that if it actually was a MetroCard and you're in New York, a number of the good local museums are "pay what you wish" (though with "suggested donation" in large letters on the sign that says that). If he has a nickel and a metrocard, he can spend the day at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Or, for not even a nickel, there has to be something at one of the big public libraries that he hasn't read yet. (I'm basing this on the idea that a sensible person might not want to spend all day walking around outside in March.)
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TootsNYC

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #22 on: March 19, 2013, 09:12:40 AM »
\My DH has been involved with this gaming community for a long time. He knows people from all over. At this point, we do not invite anyone. They just all know that he lives in this area.

We have never had to specify anything before because we have never ran into his situation. Now we know that, going forward, we will need to be specific about a few things.

And Joe will never be staying with us again.

And it's time to give Joe the reputation he deserves.

Your DH should feel to state the facts of Joe's actions to the tournament organizers and to any other friends in the community:
"He arrived broke--not just with only a little money, with nothing. And announced this waiting for me to fill in the blank. When it was time to go home, he flat-out asked me for bus fare. When they came back from the tournament very late, he walked into my bedroom, where I was sleeping in bed with my wife, and turned on the light, then asked us if we had a charge for his phone."

And I might also suggest that your DH write him a letter and say, "Here is what you owe me. I await your repayment."

I don't have any excuses to make for Joe.

The other thing you two can do it stop allowing anyone to stay with you who hasn't *already* done so and who hasn't *already* proven himself to be a reasonable houseguest.

And you can have a set of rules. (but seriously--the rules that Joe broke are something that nobody should have to spell out)

This is the prompt that you and DH got (and the rest of us should learn from your experience without waiting for the zinger you got stung with) to be ready to say, "Joe, I have to leave for work. You can't stay here during the day when I'm not home. Be ready to leave in 10 minutes."

and

"Oh, you don't have any money? Well, there's a library about four blocks down; you can hang out there. I've got to go. Goodbye."

Because it's not your DH's responsibility, but it often takes us all an experience or two to get rid of that nagging feeling of "I should help."

I would bet almost anything that your DH gave him money because of the way Joe delivered the info.

For that matter, why would any grownup even TELL another grownup that they have no cash--none. I might say, "I'm going to have a cheap lunch since I have almost no money," as a conversational thing, but I sure wouldn't be accepting money.

bopper

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #23 on: March 19, 2013, 09:18:17 AM »
It is so hard when you start sliding down the slippery slope.

In hindsight, you could have said "Thursday doesn't work for us."
"Dude, it is 1:00am you are going to have to get a taxi."
"I guess you will have to walk?"
"They gave you $20 for food money."
"Why are you in my bedroom?"

 but now you can give feedback to the organization about Joe to alert others to his moochiness.

JenJay

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #24 on: March 19, 2013, 09:42:02 AM »
I agree with the PPs who said you should let the other organizers know. It can be done in a way that is not gossipy and other people should be aware so they don't end up in the same predicament.

In your shoes, I would have invited him to eat meals with us at home but I would not have bought him any meals or given him any cash. Friday he could have had breakfast and dinner with us and figured out something for lunch while he was out of my house. I would have dropped him off at a public place and arranged to pick him up there at a later time. I would not have bought him a metro pass. I have a feeling he would have found transportation funds if the alternative was to sit on a mall bench for 9 hours.  ;)

I can't post what my DH's reaction would be if the guy walked into our room without knocking, regardless of the hour. Loud and curse-filled sums it up.

TootsNYC

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #25 on: March 19, 2013, 09:46:34 AM »
When someone's in your DH's spot regarding the announcement that he doesn't have any money/transportation/etc., or whatever, it might be handy to have some stalling phrases, pre-programmed in your brain.

It's sort of nice for us--we get to learn this lesson, and we aren't the ones out the money.

Stuff like:
"Why are you telling me this?"
"What exactly are you asking of me?"
or even restate the request: "You want me to come pick you up at 1am?"
or "You want to come to my home a day earlier?"


A couple of benefits: You buy yourself time to think.

And: you put the moocher (of time, money, energy) in the position of re-stating exactly what they're asking

You clarify for yourself exactly what it is that they're asking, and you give yourself time to see exactly how unreasonable (or reasonable) it is.

(I don't really know why your DH didn't turn around and hold out his hand for money at the drive-thru!)

And your DH should feel that he is allowed to be critical and tough. Even if you hadn't been quick enough the night before, your DH should have felt absolutely entitled to say the next day, man to man, "Joe--barging into my bedroom in the middle of the night? Not cool. It wouldn't have been cool to even knockn on the door at that hour.
Turning on the light in my bedroom? Way, way, way out of line."

And he could absolutely have said, "Joe, don't come back here today. Find someone else at the event to borrow a room from."

For that matter, now that Joe has given the two of you a chance to think and talk about this, YOU can say this to Joe, or you can say this to DH so that he remembers that he can say it, or so that he knows you've got his back.

And in the event, you two should remember to talk to one another--the next morning, or even that night as you're falling back to sleep, etc., you can say to each other, "What a jerk." "Yeah, he's got to go" or "Why the heck did we pay for his dinner after all? You know, let's ask him to pay you back."

That's what spouses are for, right? To be a "second brain"?

TootsNYC

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #26 on: March 19, 2013, 09:48:03 AM »
Oh, and came back to say--hindsight CAN be acted on.

You CAN say in the morning, "not cool!"

You CAN say once you get home, "You know, I want you to pay me back for the takeout--it was your idea, and you should have been forwarding the money before they ever asked for it. So though it looks like that was a gift, it wasn't, it was a loan, and I want the money."

And even, "Joe, you can't stay with us anymore, you're a pain in the patootie."

Winterlight

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #27 on: March 19, 2013, 10:20:31 AM »
I think the title is backwards- the obligations are on Joe's side. When I stay with someone, I do my level best not to cause them more work.

Joe should have brought money to cover himself. If he was broke, then perhaps he should have stayed home.

I admit, DH fell down by not responding to Joe as soon as he tried to change the plans. He should have made it clear that wouldn't work.

Joe should have worked out an alternative than dragging someone out of their house on a worknight if at all possible.

Strolling into his host's bedroom after they'd gone to bed? Yikes.

I would ask for repayment and warn my friends.
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Kaypeep

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #28 on: March 19, 2013, 10:32:31 AM »
Sio, I think this is the second time you've posted about frustration over these gaming people coming to your house.  The previous post had to do with a man and a woman both staying over at the same time so you had to alter the sleeping arrangements and put up one of them in your son's room.  Honestly, I wouldn't keep putting up with these people making last minute requests that alter the original arrangements.  At the very least, I think you and DH needs to be firmer and stop allowing these exceptions and stick to the original plan.  Perhaps make a compromise with your DH and say you're only willing to host past guests who were good guests and you are no longer willing to take on new people.  It's getting too frustrating.  And POD to the posters who say to contact this guy and inform him he needs to reimburse for the subway money.  Give him a deadline to pay you back.  And then make it known to the group what he did.

SiotehCat

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #29 on: March 19, 2013, 10:47:32 AM »
DH has reason to believe that Joe suffers from a mental disorder. Joe spoke about it a little bit and DH has seen his medication. I didn't mention it in the original thread, because I don't know exactly what it is and I didn't want to accidentally say something offensive.

DH and I did talk about this. He didn't want to be hard on Joe, because of the disorder. I have been saying that even with that disorder, Joe can still be a moocher.

We were so glad to be rid of him. He almost missed his bus home and DH was worried that we were going to be stuck with him. Joe is unemployed, so that probably has something to do with his budget problems.

Dh had met Joe a couple of months ago at an event not local to us. DH shared a hotel room with Joe and several other GE's. Joe didn't really stand out, so DH didn't think anything of letting him stay with us.