Author Topic: Obligations to houseguest. (Long) small update #63 final update #72  (Read 15225 times)

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Lynn2000

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #30 on: March 19, 2013, 11:02:23 AM »
Glad you're not letting Joe stay at your house again. I agree that it can be difficult to decide where to draw the line when you're facing a new situation. I guess I don't see Joe's possible mental disorder or unemployment as being excuses for him--if anything it might be more helpful to him for someone to say, "Joe, it's not appropriate for you to walk into our bedroom in the middle of the night," or "Joe, you should not have come here without spending money for the weekend," rather than just expecting him to know that and/or acquiescing without comment.

I would say almost all of the things you describe in your post were over and above your obligation to a guest, especially one who is not a visiting friend but rather an acquaintance lodging in your home for a professional-type purpose. But, now you guys are more prepared to deal with this in the future, and that's the important part. I tend to agree towards hosting only people you've hosted before with success, or deciding on some parameters that future guests must meet, like you will only host them Fri, Sat, and Sun nights; they must arrive between 5pm and 9pm on Friday or you won't pick them up; they can eat with you at home but you will not give them money or pay for meals unless it's some sort of horrible emergency; etc..

I tend to be pretty territorial and anti-social, so hosting people in my home, especially those I don't really know, doesn't appeal to me much. However, I know other people are different. My friend Amy (and her DH and son), for example, seems to have someone staying with her almost every weekend, and finds it really hard to tell people no on this score, even people who have done flaky things like assuming lodging at the last minute, displacing more desired guests, and then not showing up... multiple times. Of course other people host a lot with firm boundaries, but this does seem to be a blind spot for some people.
~Lynn2000

siamesecat2965

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #31 on: March 19, 2013, 12:01:02 PM »
I would say maybe just stop hosting altogether. IF someone asks why, simply say you've had a couple not so great experiences, so from now on, it won't be possible for you to host anyone.

I know I was staying with my cousin this weekend, and there's no way I'd ever go into her room while she was sleeping, short of an emergency, but I'd also knock first, and just not barge in.

jaxsue

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #32 on: March 19, 2013, 12:06:48 PM »
I would say maybe just stop hosting altogether. IF someone asks why, simply say you've had a couple not so great experiences, so from now on, it won't be possible for you to host anyone.

I know I was staying with my cousin this weekend, and there's no way I'd ever go into her room while she was sleeping, short of an emergency, but I'd also knock first, and just not barge in.

Per the bolded: ITA.

OP, you don't have a spare room, correct? Honestly, I'd pass on being a guest in someone's house if it meant sleeping on the living room sofa. YMMV. Is there pressure amongst this group to host people? I'd pass from now on. Your peace of mind is simply not worth this.

SiotehCat

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #33 on: March 19, 2013, 12:32:18 PM »
I would say maybe just stop hosting altogether. IF someone asks why, simply say you've had a couple not so great experiences, so from now on, it won't be possible for you to host anyone.

I know I was staying with my cousin this weekend, and there's no way I'd ever go into her room while she was sleeping, short of an emergency, but I'd also knock first, and just not barge in.

Per the bolded: ITA.

OP, you don't have a spare room, correct? Honestly, I'd pass on being a guest in someone's house if it meant sleeping on the living room sofa. YMMV. Is there pressure amongst this group to host people? I'd pass from now on. Your peace of mind is simply not worth this.

I would love to stop hosting. Having people that I don't know in my home is very stressful. Not hosting is just not an option, though.

Its my husbands thing. To minimize my stress, he tries to give me plenty of notice and "asks" me if its okay. I don't have to interact with the guests much because they are working for most of the weekend. Also, it makes DH look good and if he ever needs a place to stay when in their area, they can return the favor.

I can handle the occasional guest if it is what my DH wants.

When someone's in your DH's spot regarding the announcement that he doesn't have any money/transportation/etc., or whatever, it might be handy to have some stalling phrases, pre-programmed in your brain.

It's sort of nice for us--we get to learn this lesson, and we aren't the ones out the money.

Stuff like:
"Why are you telling me this?"
"What exactly are you asking of me?"
or even restate the request: "You want me to come pick you up at 1am?"
or "You want to come to my home a day earlier?"


A couple of benefits: You buy yourself time to think.

And: you put the moocher (of time, money, energy) in the position of re-stating exactly what they're asking

You clarify for yourself exactly what it is that they're asking, and you give yourself time to see exactly how unreasonable (or reasonable) it is.

(I don't really know why your DH didn't turn around and hold out his hand for money at the drive-thru!)

And your DH should feel that he is allowed to be critical and tough. Even if you hadn't been quick enough the night before, your DH should have felt absolutely entitled to say the next day, man to man, "Joe--barging into my bedroom in the middle of the night? Not cool. It wouldn't have been cool to even knockn on the door at that hour.
Turning on the light in my bedroom? Way, way, way out of line."

And he could absolutely have said, "Joe, don't come back here today. Find someone else at the event to borrow a room from."

For that matter, now that Joe has given the two of you a chance to think and talk about this, YOU can say this to Joe, or you can say this to DH so that he remembers that he can say it, or so that he knows you've got his back.

And in the event, you two should remember to talk to one another--the next morning, or even that night as you're falling back to sleep, etc., you can say to each other, "What a jerk." "Yeah, he's got to go" or "Why the heck did we pay for his dinner after all? You know, let's ask him to pay you back."

That's what spouses are for, right? To be a "second brain"?

I will pass this on to my DH! Stalling phrases are exactly what he needed and they sound very much like him.

I don't think my DH will agree to asking Joe to pay us back. Unless its absolutely necessary, I don't think he wants to interact with Joe ever again.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #34 on: March 19, 2013, 12:35:37 PM »
I would say maybe just stop hosting altogether. IF someone asks why, simply say you've had a couple not so great experiences, so from now on, it won't be possible for you to host anyone.

I know I was staying with my cousin this weekend, and there's no way I'd ever go into her room while she was sleeping, short of an emergency, but I'd also knock first, and just not barge in.

Per the bolded: ITA.

OP, you don't have a spare room, correct? Honestly, I'd pass on being a guest in someone's house if it meant sleeping on the living room sofa. YMMV. Is there pressure amongst this group to host people? I'd pass from now on. Your peace of mind is simply not worth this.

We don't have a guest room either, which is why we generally don't offer to host but to a very select...well, two who don't mind sleeping on the couch or fold-out bed.  Mind you since we've lived here we've only ever had two guests who spent the night but neither of them minded sleeping on the sofa bed.  Also, it also happens I know they're morning people so the fact that our kids get up somewhat early (meaning between 7-8) won't bother them because they're usually already up.

And I don't blame you for not being comfortable with hosting strangers or near strangers.  I wouldn't be either.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #35 on: March 19, 2013, 12:47:45 PM »
I think the title is backwards- the obligations are on Joe's side. When I stay with someone, I do my level best not to cause them more work.

I agree, especially because the OP and her DH did not invite him--they are doing him a favor!

Also, if you and DH do still want to open your home to people staying, I would think that it would be sensible to draw up a list of procedures/rules. Some for the two of you, to keep DH (and you) "honest" and help you stick to the agreement you work out for these weekends.

Such a written set of policies--even if no one else ever sees them--might help him with the structure.

But honestly, a written set of policies that you DO hand out would probably be really helpful. And I'd probably be pressuring my husband to put some limits on how much hand-holding he does. I'd put in some stuff like, "You get yourself to and from the train station; here's the info" and "You may not change the date of when you will arrive; if you have to come to our city a day earlier, you will need to find other accommodation for that night" and "We expect you to leave for the event by 9am; you will not be allowed to stay in our home during the day" and "We will not provide any food or drink beyond a few sodas in the fridge and cereal and milk for breakfast."

And "If you are out late, you may not awaken us when you return unless someone is bleeding profusely or the house is burning."

This "Joe" experience might be what the two of you need to use as a framework to sit down and talk about this. And it gives you leverage w/ your DH to set some limitations on his hospitality, because it is also YOURS.


siamesecat2965

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #36 on: March 19, 2013, 12:52:16 PM »
I think the title is backwards- the obligations are on Joe's side. When I stay with someone, I do my level best not to cause them more work.

I agree, especially because the OP and her DH did not invite him--they are doing him a favor!

Also, if you and DH do still want to open your home to people staying, I would think that it would be sensible to draw up a list of procedures/rules. Some for the two of you, to keep DH (and you) "honest" and help you stick to the agreement you work out for these weekends.

Such a written set of policies--even if no one else ever sees them--might help him with the structure.

But honestly, a written set of policies that you DO hand out would probably be really helpful. And I'd probably be pressuring my husband to put some limits on how much hand-holding he does. I'd put in some stuff like, "You get yourself to and from the train station; here's the info" and "You may not change the date of when you will arrive; if you have to come to our city a day earlier, you will need to find other accommodation for that night" and "We expect you to leave for the event by 9am; you will not be allowed to stay in our home during the day" and "We will not provide any food or drink beyond a few sodas in the fridge and cereal and milk for breakfast."

And "If you are out late, you may not awaken us when you return unless someone is bleeding profusely or the house is burning."

This "Joe" experience might be what the two of you need to use as a framework to sit down and talk about this. And it gives you leverage w/ your DH to set some limitations on his hospitality, because it is also YOURS.

I like this suggestion, since as you said, not hosting isn't an option. Set firm rules, and stick to them. If you are both on the same page, and let people know the "rules" in advance, they can then decide if they want to stay or not. 

I know if I were staying in someone's home for something like this, and I didn't know them well at all, I would do everything I could to stay out of the way, and minimize my time there, as in just sleeping, showering etc. But then again, I'd probably stay in a hotel as I'd be a lot more comfortable with that.

Hillia

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #37 on: March 19, 2013, 12:57:03 PM »
Actually, if having local members of the gaming group provide sleeping space for out of towners is the norm for this event, maybe the group's organizers could put out a list of guest rules/expectations.

"Local members may offer hospitality as a courtesy to out of town visitors.  Visitors, please:
Coordinate your arrival and departure times with your hosts and stick to them
Bring all personal items (clothing, toiletries, etc) that you may need - your hosts will not provide them
Be prepared to meet all of your own expenses - your hosts will not provide money for meals, transporatation, entertainment, etc"

and so on

If the event is organized to the extent that out of towners receive a meal subsidy, this doesn't seem too over the top.

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TootsNYC

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #38 on: March 19, 2013, 12:58:04 PM »
Just wanted to re-emphasize the usefulness of a written agreement between Sioteh and her DH.

Stuff like:
"They may never arrive before Friday at 8pm; they will have to entertain themselves until then. No matter what."

"We will not provide transportation to and from the bus station." or "Transportation to and from bus station will take place at X time and Y time."

And "We will not feed them at our family dinner table, but we will offer them cereal and fruit for breakfast."

"We will only allow two guests at once if they are of the same sex."

"We will only host people who ask 2 weeks in advance."

or whatever else makes DH feel he's being "part of the community" and "paying it back/forward" and "getting the value he wants out of his own home" while also making Sioteh feel that HER needs are being met as well.

It will give DH a "backbone of paper" to rely on (can be stronger than steel sometimes!) if he wavers. And he can say, when someone asks, "Sorry, that's too hard on my family." Or even, "Sorry, that's not our policy."

VorFemme

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #39 on: March 19, 2013, 06:20:13 PM »
Just remember - you are pregnant and there will be a baby in your household soon enough.

New babies do not mix well with people staying with you, even if they say that they (the people staying with you) will be no trouble at all.

Because new babies cry and people will mention it later - but not do much to HELP.  New babies require checking on in the middle of the night, feeding, diapers, and having someone moving around will wake up people staying with you - especially if your rocking chair is in the living room, where they are supposed to be trying to sleep. 

Put a stop to anyone staying with you once you're seven months pregnant until you are ready to have house guests again (say, after the baby turns THREE?) and remind your DH that babies don't mix with gamers anyone visiting for various events. 

Grandma or another person acting as doula would be the only exception.......they aren't houseguests if they are there to help with the baby.
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Snooks

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #40 on: March 19, 2013, 07:00:09 PM »
I think you've confused Sio with another poster VorFemme.

I was going to post a similar reply as a PP about how you obviously don't enjoy having people there based on your previous post but then I saw your update.  I think you maybe just need to have a bit more of a vetting policy before people stay and as others have suggested be a bit more forthright about what you can and can't provide to people.  As you're doing these guests a favour I think your obligation really just is a place for them to crash out and leave their things (in a tidy unobtrusive way).  It sounds like they just want your place as a base so being clear that you can't provide food etc. shouldn't be too unexpected.

Sophie Jenkins

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #41 on: March 19, 2013, 07:00:52 PM »
Just remember - you are pregnant and there will be a baby in your household soon enough.

New babies do not mix well with people staying with you, even if they say that they (the people staying with you) will be no trouble at all.

Because new babies cry and people will mention it later - but not do much to HELP.  New babies require checking on in the middle of the night, feeding, diapers, and having someone moving around will wake up people staying with you - especially if your rocking chair is in the living room, where they are supposed to be trying to sleep. 

Put a stop to anyone staying with you once you're seven months pregnant until you are ready to have house guests again (say, after the baby turns THREE?) and remind your DH that babies don't mix with gamers anyone visiting for various events. 

Grandma or another person acting as doula would be the only exception.......they aren't houseguests if they are there to help with the baby.

Did you post in the wrong thread, perhaps? This advice doesn't apply to the OP's situation.


I agree with the others who think that having a written list of rules could only benefit everyone here.

SiotehCat

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #42 on: March 19, 2013, 07:09:00 PM »
Just remember - you are pregnant and there will be a baby in your household soon enough.

New babies do not mix well with people staying with you, even if they say that they (the people staying with you) will be no trouble at all.

Because new babies cry and people will mention it later - but not do much to HELP.  New babies require checking on in the middle of the night, feeding, diapers, and having someone moving around will wake up people staying with you - especially if your rocking chair is in the living room, where they are supposed to be trying to sleep. 

Put a stop to anyone staying with you once you're seven months pregnant until you are ready to have house guests again (say, after the baby turns THREE?) and remind your DH that babies don't mix with gamers anyone visiting for various events. 

Grandma or another person acting as doula would be the only exception.......they aren't houseguests if they are there to help with the baby.

Thanks for all the great advice, VorFemme, but fortunately, I am not pregnant. Now that would really be an unwanted houseguest.

VorFemme

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #43 on: March 19, 2013, 07:46:27 PM »
I think you've confused Sio with another poster VorFemme.

I was going to post a similar reply as a PP about how you obviously don't enjoy having people there based on your previous post but then I saw your update.  I think you maybe just need to have a bit more of a vetting policy before people stay and as others have suggested be a bit more forthright about what you can and can't provide to people.  As you're doing these guests a favour I think your obligation really just is a place for them to crash out and leave their things (in a tidy unobtrusive way).  It sounds like they just want your place as a base so being clear that you can't provide food etc. shouldn't be too unexpected.

That could easily be - I am seriously sleep deprived at the moment.  Five day trip (two days driving there with one night at a hotel between 12 hours driving each day and just over one day driving back without a hotel stop) and two days spent at the location (long story).  If we'd been following a reasonable driving schedule, either leg of the trip would have been a three day drive of about 8 hours......with a two day stay at the location.....

But a Saturday event just after Spring Break with one day (Friday) to recuperate & see the sights meant NOT taking three days driving either direction....and a mother who apparently does not take car trips didn't realize that Washington DC and Houston, Texas were over 1400 miles apart......or she's always had her husband drive, I dunno.  The speed limit varies between 75 mph (Texas) and 65 mph (I forget which Eastern Coastal state) - so divide by 70 mph to get an average driving time.....works out to in excess of twenty hours BEFORE adding the time for the bio breaks & fuel stops.  The first two days, we took an alternate route by an educational stop at a museum that added about a hundred-thirty miles to the trip - so an extra couple of hours spent driving........at least. 

I do know who I am.....but I'll take a nap before sorting out who is who on the above thread.....and maybe longer than that before I can do math without finding the calculator on my computer (I lost track of the decimal place twice while attempting mental math just now).
« Last Edit: March 19, 2013, 07:58:03 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

VorFemme

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #44 on: March 19, 2013, 07:47:37 PM »
Just remember - you are pregnant and there will be a baby in your household soon enough.

New babies do not mix well with people staying with you, even if they say that they (the people staying with you) will be no trouble at all.

Because new babies cry and people will mention it later - but not do much to HELP.  New babies require checking on in the middle of the night, feeding, diapers, and having someone moving around will wake up people staying with you - especially if your rocking chair is in the living room, where they are supposed to be trying to sleep. 

Put a stop to anyone staying with you once you're seven months pregnant until you are ready to have house guests again (say, after the baby turns THREE?) and remind your DH that babies don't mix with gamers anyone visiting for various events. 

Grandma or another person acting as doula would be the only exception.......they aren't houseguests if they are there to help with the baby.

Thanks for all the great advice, VorFemme, but fortunately, I am not pregnant. Now that would really be an unwanted houseguest.

Well, anyone who walks into a bedroom and wakes up the couple in bed had better be UNDER four years old, in my opinion (as a mother and now grandmother).  So - now that you know HIS behavioral age, you know not to have him back!
« Last Edit: March 19, 2013, 07:58:50 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?