Author Topic: Obligations to houseguest. (Long) small update #63 final update #72  (Read 15082 times)

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stargazer

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #45 on: March 19, 2013, 09:03:43 PM »
I think you've confused Sio with another poster VorFemme.

I was going to post a similar reply as a PP about how you obviously don't enjoy having people there based on your previous post but then I saw your update.  I think you maybe just need to have a bit more of a vetting policy before people stay and as others have suggested be a bit more forthright about what you can and can't provide to people.  As you're doing these guests a favour I think your obligation really just is a place for them to crash out and leave their things (in a tidy unobtrusive way).  It sounds like they just want your place as a base so being clear that you can't provide food etc. shouldn't be too unexpected.

That could easily be - I am seriously sleep deprived at the moment.  Five day trip (two days driving there with one night at a hotel between 12 hours driving each day and just over one day driving back without a hotel stop) and two days spent at the location (long story).  If we'd been following a reasonable driving schedule, either leg of the trip would have been a three day drive of about 8 hours......with a two day stay at the location.....

But a Saturday event just after Spring Break with one day (Friday) to recuperate & see the sights meant NOT taking three days driving either direction....and a mother who apparently does not take car trips didn't realize that Washington DC and Houston, Texas were over 1400 miles apart......or she's always had her husband drive, I dunno.  The speed limit varies between 75 mph (Texas) and 65 mph (I forget which Eastern Coastal state) - so divide by 70 mph to get an average driving time.....works out to in excess of twenty hours BEFORE adding the time for the bio breaks & fuel stops.  The first two days, we took an alternate route by an educational stop at a museum that added about a hundred-thirty miles to the trip - so an extra couple of hours spent driving........at least. 

I do know who I am.....but I'll take a nap before sorting out who is who on the above thread.....and maybe longer than that before I can do math without finding the calculator on my computer (I lost track of the decimal place twice while attempting mental math just now).

I think a nap is definitely in order!  I was quite confused when I started reading your original post and then this one - which really has nothing to do with this thread at all either.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #46 on: March 19, 2013, 09:21:43 PM »
I thought maybe the first post was confusing this situation with the story in the "I need a hug" folder about a houseguest Paul who was overstaying his welcome with the OP pregnant and due soon.  The two situations both deal with annoying houseguests and I could sort of see somebody reading the title, thinking it was the other one, then responding to the most recent posts forgetting what the OP was.

VorFemme

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #47 on: March 19, 2013, 10:13:00 PM »
I thought maybe the first post was confusing this situation with the story in the "I need a hug" folder about a houseguest Paul who was overstaying his welcome with the OP pregnant and due soon.  The two situations both deal with annoying houseguests and I could sort of see somebody reading the title, thinking it was the other one, then responding to the most recent posts forgetting what the OP was.

I've just figured out what happened......

I had read the other thread and I think that I might have had both of them open at the same time - so I most likely posted in the wrong one.

I blame lack of sleep....or not enough caffeine.  But enough caffeine to counteract the sleep shortage would not be a good thing at bedtime......time for bed.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

zyrs

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #48 on: March 20, 2013, 12:04:33 AM »
Well, anyone who walks into a bedroom and wakes up the couple in bed had better be UNDER four years old, in my opinion (as a mother and now grandmother).  So - now that you know HIS behavioral age, you know not to have him back!

Or the house better be on fire, because doing what he did was not cool at all.

eltf177

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #49 on: March 20, 2013, 06:40:35 AM »
DH has reason to believe that Joe suffers from a mental disorder. Joe spoke about it a little bit and DH has seen his medication. I didn't mention it in the original thread, because I don't know exactly what it is and I didn't want to accidentally say something offensive.

DH and I did talk about this. He didn't want to be hard on Joe, because of the disorder. I have been saying that even with that disorder, Joe can still be a moocher.

We were so glad to be rid of him. He almost missed his bus home and DH was worried that we were going to be stuck with him. Joe is unemployed, so that probably has something to do with his budget problems.

Dh had met Joe a couple of months ago at an event not local to us. DH shared a hotel room with Joe and several other GE's. Joe didn't really stand out, so DH didn't think anything of letting him stay with us.

Joe is unemployed and still decided to attend this event? Somebody needs to get his priorities straight!

Winterlight

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #50 on: March 20, 2013, 09:14:50 AM »
I think a pre-designated set of rules is a good idea, covering things like:

1. Transport to and from train/bus station
2. Length of stay
3. Food provided
4. Transport to and from the event- if I'm dropping off and picking up, then you need to be ready to leave ON TIME. No lollygagging around in the morning, or "I just need to talk to one more person, it will only be a minute," in the evening.
5. Departure time
6. What kind of space is on offer
7. Money
8. House rules

Sending it to the guest ahead of time means they know what's going on and can either decide to stay or find alternate acommodations.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Calistoga

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #51 on: March 20, 2013, 10:04:15 AM »
Color me confused. Why in the world was Joe there if he's unemployed? I thought the understanding was that GM's could crash on the couch, not random people looking to sight see.

I'd cut your approved guest list down to people you know fairly well.

SiotehCat

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #52 on: March 20, 2013, 10:24:32 AM »
Color me confused. Why in the world was Joe there if he's unemployed? I thought the understanding was that GM's could crash on the couch, not random people looking to sight see.

I'd cut your approved guest list down to people you know fairly well.

Joe is a GE. For these events, there are a couple of different ways GE's can be compensated for their services.

- Paid by check. It usually takes 3 weeks to receive.
- Paid with product. The value of this product depends, but you can sell it on eBay.
- Paid with store credit. You can pick $XXX worth of cards or other gaming gear on their website.

DH tells me that he thinks Joe picked the store credit. I don't know if Joe volunteered this information or if DH found out some other way.

There are GE's who have been able to live without any other source of income. These GE's usually work every weekend and still live on the cheap. Joe doesn't work many events, but he has been a GE for a long time. He is my Dh's age. Early 30's.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2013, 10:40:44 AM by SiotehCat »

Calistoga

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #53 on: March 20, 2013, 10:38:38 AM »
Alright.  I was thinking that GE was his job title and this was something he did for income on a regular enough basis for him to not be unemployed. Him not having a steady source of income makes the budget thing make a little more sense, but if he's opting to take store credit as opposed to real money for his services, I still don't know why he'd make that trip with no money. Sounds like an odd little duck.


If you still host GE's (And this sounds like the first one that's been a big stinker), just do a little more planning and be kind of firm. Yes, you can stay, IF you can come in on this day. You can eat dinner with us on this night if you like, but for other meals you're on your own. Basically lay out in advance what you can and can't offer them so no one comes to the door thinking to mooch.

TootsNYC

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #54 on: March 20, 2013, 11:53:30 AM »
I think if I were a GE looking to stay on your couch, and were a reasonable person, I would *not* be offended if your DH said, when I called to ask, "Sure, I think we can put you up. I need to touch base with my wife, look at the family calendar, etc. And I'll send you our rules and guidelines by email."

I'd assume that you'd had some people like Joe, or that you'd heard stories about people like Joe.

And I'd feel a bit reassured, actually, to know that you *expected* me to join you for cereal and milk, and that you did *not* expect me to cut short my night at the event in order to come back to sit and socialize with you.

You could tell me how you expect the shower usage to work out, so I didn't feel awkward when I asked.

All good things for me, the reasonable, considerate, and grateful couch-surfer.

You can incorporate all sorts of useful stuff, too--website w/ city map; names and phone numbers of cab companies; info on bus routes, subway/rail lines; guide to nearby gas stations, convenience stores, grocery stores.

Any of that positive stuff will certainly offset the negative stuff.

And the negative stuff doesn't have to be scoldy: "you are on your own for lunch and supper" tells me I don't have an obligation to socialize with you just as readily as it tells me that I have to pay for it myself.

SiotehCat

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #55 on: March 20, 2013, 12:07:26 PM »
I think if I were a GE looking to stay on your couch, and were a reasonable person, I would *not* be offended if your DH said, when I called to ask, "Sure, I think we can put you up. I need to touch base with my wife, look at the family calendar, etc. And I'll send you our rules and guidelines by email."

I'd assume that you'd had some people like Joe, or that you'd heard stories about people like Joe.

And I'd feel a bit reassured, actually, to know that you *expected* me to join you for cereal and milk, and that you did *not* expect me to cut short my night at the event in order to come back to sit and socialize with you.

You could tell me how you expect the shower usage to work out, so I didn't feel awkward when I asked.

All good things for me, the reasonable, considerate, and grateful couch-surfer.

You can incorporate all sorts of useful stuff, too--website w/ city map; names and phone numbers of cab companies; info on bus routes, subway/rail lines; guide to nearby gas stations, convenience stores, grocery stores.

Any of that positive stuff will certainly offset the negative stuff.

And the negative stuff doesn't have to be scoldy: "you are on your own for lunch and supper" tells me I don't have an obligation to socialize with you just as readily as it tells me that I have to pay for it myself.

I started telling my Dh about your idea last night and he loved it. He really likes that kind of thing and thought it would go over really well for our houseguests. It also helps in easing my stress about the whole thing. He is going to get started right away.

I like the idea of getting the info about the public transportation and nearby stores. Maybe even some menus.

This seems like a fun enough project for the next couple of weeks. We won't have a local tournament for another month or two.

Thanks again for all the suggestions, everyone! DH and I are so determined to never have another weekend like the last one. We won't be caught off guard again.

TootsNYC

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #56 on: March 20, 2013, 07:30:05 PM »
I wish you luck! It's tough, especially when you're a nice person, and there's a "cause" involved (the events).

One thing that could help in the future: the Joe's of the world KNOW this, even if only instinctively (and not carefully planned).

Get mad at them--it'll help with the spine.

(If you need more stalling tactics, to make them explain themselves and give you time to muster your spine, there's always, "Well . . . . .")

VorFemme

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #57 on: March 20, 2013, 07:48:12 PM »
People there to "work" the game tournaments are not "houseguests".  They are "crashing" at your place to save money on hotel bills - which is a more casual category with fewer obligations on either side.  Kind of like a relative spending a night or two at your house for a job interview in your area (been there - also had the same relative spend several weeks at OUR house while working a summer internship in graduate school).

The "crasher" needs to be responsible for their own lunch & dinner - possibly breakfast, too, if the people they are "crashing" with are still students (usual age group this happens with).  But any meal is going to be cheap, may be "self serve" ("the milk's in the fridge, cereal's in the pantry, rinse your bowl & spoon, and if you want coffee - you'll have to hit a shop on the way to *event* because we don't drink it - be ready to leave by X o' clock so we can lock the door and we'll be home by Z o'clock to let you in").

The assumption that they will be able to get from "crash pad" to "event" on their own or amuse themselves between the hours when no one is "at home" is understood.  Or I thought it was when I was in college back in the late 1970s....not that San Angelo had many people staying with us.....both our parents had much bigger houses!

Now, when we were working, going to night school, and living in Phoenix, Arizona - we did have a few more people staying with us....but only one of them was "pad crashing" while doing an internship one summer (long story).  We got a bit more specific with people staying with us after that.....some people you really need a written contract with them initialing every few lines....rather like a mortgage or lease...or something.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

delabela

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #58 on: March 20, 2013, 11:30:57 PM »
I'm kind of flabbergasted at the idea of an adult going into another adult's bedroom uninvited...it would have never occurred to me that would even be something you have to make a rule about, but live and learn.

snowdragon

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Re: Obligations to houseguest. (Long)
« Reply #59 on: March 20, 2013, 11:42:18 PM »
I'm kind of flabbergasted at the idea of an adult going into another adult's bedroom uninvited...it would have never occurred to me that would even be something you have to make a rule about, but live and learn.

This.

I would have had a fit.

Second - I've had folks crash at my place for bands and things, and never had to feed folks anything beyond breakfast.  Anyone going out of town with out even meal money is a fool. And this Joe should not be putting his "hosts" in the position of paying his most basic expenses. Who are the organizers, have tehy been told of Joe's behaviours, because they should be. Perhaps some of the perks should be X amount of dollars for food or transport each day rather than product,ect