Author Topic: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87  (Read 19701 times)

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*inviteseller

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #90 on: April 01, 2013, 01:06:47 PM »
I see it from the opposite side of Surianne...they came to this meal for purpose of getting the papers signed, and they played games with their hosts as far an basic info on new SIL.  It doesn't sound like they were putting her under a light and interrogating her, just asking basic 'getting to know you' questions and they were evasive, yet when the hosts attempted to take the conversation into a neutral territory, they turned it back to themselves.  And, while Mom may be narcissistic (would she like to meet my dad?  They'd make a great pair :P) she probably wanted to talk about your aunt because that is something she did know and was frustrated on the cat & mouse game Bro and SIL were playing.  I am glad to hear you made it through ok, and that you want to get to know your SIL better, but it doesn't sound like she's interested in being a part of your family right now.

Surianne

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #91 on: April 01, 2013, 01:11:42 PM »
I see it from the opposite side of Surianne...they came to this meal for purpose of getting the papers signed, and they played games with their hosts as far an basic info on new SIL. 

It doesn't sound like they were rude about it, simply that she wasn't comfortable answering specific questions and they deflected.  No one is required to give out information about their job simply because someone asks that question.  It's possible she does something that has to be kept secret (government work), or works in a controversial field (cigarette company, oil company, sex work, etc.), or perhaps because this was her first meeting with the family, she wasn't comfortable going there until she gets to know them better.

ilrag

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #92 on: April 01, 2013, 02:16:48 PM »

It doesn't sound like they were rude about it, simply that she wasn't comfortable answering specific questions and they deflected.  No one is required to give out information about their job simply because someone asks that question.  It's possible she does something that has to be kept secret (government work), or works in a controversial field (cigarette company, oil company, sex work, etc.), or perhaps because this was her first meeting with the family, she wasn't comfortable going there until she gets to know them better.

This is a reasonable assumption and the new SIL might have had other reasons to not want to talk about her family - maybe there's drama she feels awkward discussing until she knows some of you better.

Snooks

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #93 on: April 01, 2013, 02:38:00 PM »
I may have missed this but did they actually tell you they were married?

Eeep!

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #94 on: April 01, 2013, 02:50:03 PM »
I see it from the opposite side of Surianne...they came to this meal for purpose of getting the papers signed, and they played games with their hosts as far an basic info on new SIL.  It doesn't sound like they were putting her under a light and interrogating her, just asking basic 'getting to know you' questions and they were evasive, yet when the hosts attempted to take the conversation into a neutral territory, they turned it back to themselves.  And, while Mom may be narcissistic (would she like to meet my dad?  They'd make a great pair :P) she probably wanted to talk about your aunt because that is something she did know and was frustrated on the cat & mouse game Bro and SIL were playing.  I am glad to hear you made it through ok, and that you want to get to know your SIL better, but it doesn't sound like she's interested in being a part of your family right now.

This was kinda the impression I got as well.  If they were really just deflecting from subjects that they didn't want to talk about, they could have brought up other ones. It sounds like they didn't really and instead exchanged looks/snickers with each other. But that's just how I took it based on the update.

Regardless, I'm glad it was fairly drama free.

But I too want to know - if he didn't even introduce her as his wife, did they even officially tell you about the wedding? Guess they figured the FB was enough.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Coley

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #95 on: April 01, 2013, 02:59:07 PM »
I may have missed this but did they actually tell you they were married?

Technically, no. I found out because they posted the photos from their ceremony on Facebook a week or so ago. I'm trying to remember if my brother said anything like, "This is my wife," when they arrived yesterday. If he said something along those lines, either he didn't say it directly to me or I was busy greeting other people at that moment and didn't hear it.

When DH did the toast shortly after they arrived, my SIL had sort of a sheepish, uncomfortable look on her face. A few minutes later she walked across the room to my mother and made a point of clinking glasses with her. I said, "Cheers," after DH finished the toast.

That was the only element of the day that related to their marriage. There was no additional discussion about it.

Coley

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #96 on: April 01, 2013, 03:18:19 PM »
Glad there was no big drama! Sometimes "pleasant but awkward" is the best possible outcome. It seems weird that Bro and SIL were so evasive, but--as Surianne says--maybe they were trying to control information flow to your mother. Now that you've all been introduced, would it be possible to contact Bro on your own and talk to him about this whole thing? Or, go to lunch with him and SIL, and see if they're more forthcoming with you?

Well, they live two hours from me, so going to lunch would be a bit of a challenge. :) This is part of the reason that I'm feeling disappointed we didn't know about my niece's upcoming religious milestone. It would be a natural opportunity to spend some more time with my SIL to get to know her as well as celebrate my niece's event.

I can see the possibility that they might feel uncomfortable around my mother, so that could have played a factor in the limited information they were willing to share yesterday. Still, they invited my mother to attend my niece's event, but they did not invite us, so I'm not sure what message to take from that. They're even less comfortable with us? I don't know about that because I do think my SIL was being sincere when she told me that she wished they had arrived earlier yesterday. She looked me in the eyes and made a point of telling me that. It wasn't something she had to say even to be polite. My brother also seemed very happy that we decided to host Easter at our house. It's very difficult for me to read the dynamics.

Eden

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #97 on: April 01, 2013, 03:47:04 PM »
Coley, I just want to say that I'm thoroughly impressed by your levelheaded and reasoned thought process through this whole thing. You felt and acknowledged some very real and understandable emotions and then worked on from there. Really commendable.

The inside joking feeling reminds me so much of my brother and SIL, especially early on in their relationship. I've found them to be a rather codependent couple but also a lot of it is due to her social awkwardness and I think him trying to make her feel comfortable by sharing knowing looks and inside jokes. It's still annoying but knowing it's coming more from a place of insecurity rather than superiority helps me ignore it a little easier.

Eeep!

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #98 on: April 01, 2013, 04:03:02 PM »
Coley, I just want to say that I'm thoroughly impressed by your levelheaded and reasoned thought process through this whole thing. You felt and acknowledged some very real and understandable emotions and then worked on from there. Really commendable.

The inside joking feeling reminds me so much of my brother and SIL, especially early on in their relationship. I've found them to be a rather codependent couple but also a lot of it is due to her social awkwardness and I think him trying to make her feel comfortable by sharing knowing looks and inside jokes. It's still annoying but knowing it's coming more from a place of insecurity rather than superiority helps me ignore it a little easier.

I hadn't thought of this - that is a nice way to think of it!
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Salvage3

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #99 on: April 01, 2013, 04:54:25 PM »
I also applaud the way you and your husband handled this.

However, even though it is none of my/our business, I can think of only a few things that would involve your mother signing papers, and all involve money in some sense --whether outright or a release or........  If that was the case, as least your mother would have a right to know what SIL does in general.  I also don't find it a rude question to ask someone, and it can usually be answered with a very simple "I'm in the retain/banking/construction/whatever field" or simply "I'm not working at the moment to stay home with and enjoy the children".  It does not have to ever be asked for specific details nor answered with specific details.

That being said, I'm glad you were able to enjoy your Easter dinner.

sammycat

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #100 on: April 01, 2013, 11:34:27 PM »
I see it from the opposite side of Surianne...they came to this meal for purpose of getting the papers signed, and they played games with their hosts as far an basic info on new SIL.  It doesn't sound like they were putting her under a light and interrogating her, just asking basic 'getting to know you' questions and they were evasive, yet when the hosts attempted to take the conversation into a neutral territory, they turned it back to themselves.  And, while Mom may be narcissistic (would she like to meet my dad?  They'd make a great pair :P) she probably wanted to talk about your aunt because that is something she did know and was frustrated on the cat & mouse game Bro and SIL were playing.  I am glad to hear you made it through ok, and that you want to get to know your SIL better, but it doesn't sound like she's interested in being a part of your family right now.

I agree with inviteseller.

SIL and DB came across as rather rude to me, with their constant inside references etc. Sounds like they're made for each other.

Otterpop

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #101 on: April 02, 2013, 09:49:36 AM »
Good update OP.  One word of caution:  If your mother is a narcissist, your brother may have picked up the trait.  One thing they do well is to play "both ends against the middle."  That way they maintain control.  Be friendly and polite but don't get emotional about anything they do.  Focus on your immediate family and remain interested but dispassionate about the others.  I see a major power play between your brother and mother in the future.  Don't get caught up in it. 
« Last Edit: April 02, 2013, 09:51:44 AM by Otterpop »

postalslave

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #102 on: April 02, 2013, 12:00:59 PM »
What a weird Easter that must have been.

  • Refusal to discus job
  • Refusal to discus family
  • The unknown financial papers

Have you Googled your SIL? The not talking about your job is a huge flag for me. Why? What do you do that you wouldn't want to discus it? Innocent postalslave hopes SIL is a secret agent but jaded postalslave wouldn't be surprised if she does pr0n or sells drooooogs.

geekette

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #103 on: April 02, 2013, 04:41:40 PM »
The not talking about your job is a huge flag for me.

Honestly, my first assumption was that she worked in an unpopular field, like taxation.

Girly

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Re: When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87
« Reply #104 on: April 02, 2013, 05:00:46 PM »
What a weird Easter that must have been.

  • Refusal to discus job
  • Refusal to discus family
  • The unknown financial papers

Have you Googled your SIL? The not talking about your job is a huge flag for me. Why? What do you do that you wouldn't want to discus it? Innocent postalslave hopes SIL is a secret agent but jaded postalslave wouldn't be surprised if she does pr0n or sells drooooogs.

Wow, I would probably not want to discuss anything with someone if they would do some sort of search like the above on me, or make wild assumptions like that.