When it isn't really a surprise. UPDATES #23, #42, #87

[Yvaine]

What a weird Easter that must have been.

• Refusal to discus job
• Refusal to discus family
• The unknown financial papers

Have you Googled your SIL? The not talking about your job is a huge flag for me. Why? What do you do that you wouldn't want to discus it? Innocent postalslave hopes SIL is a secret agent but jaded postalslave wouldn't be surprised if she does pr0n or sells drooooogs.

Wow, I would probably not want to discuss anything with someone if they would do some sort of search like the above on me, or make wild assumptions like that.

This. Porn? Drugs?  I agree that it's more likely she's in a controversial field, or maybe that she is unemployed and embarrassed about it.

[Moray]

What a weird Easter that must have been.

• Refusal to discus job
• Refusal to discus family
• The unknown financial papers

Have you Googled your SIL? The not talking about your job is a huge flag for me. Why? What do you do that you wouldn't want to discus it? Innocent postalslave hopes SIL is a secret agent but jaded postalslave wouldn't be surprised if she does pr0n or sells drooooogs.

Wow, I would probably not want to discuss anything with someone if they would do some sort of search like the above on me, or make wild assumptions like that.

This. Porn? Drugs?  I agree that it's more likely she's in a controversial field, or maybe that she is unemployed and embarrassed about it.

  Woah. We've seen some stretches that defy logic, but this sets logic on fire and stamps out the smoldering embers for good measure. I agree with other posters that the reason is probably much more mundane.

[TurtleDove]

Somewhat off topic, but I thought it was somewhat standard to at least google people whom you just met but either have to be connected with or are thinking about forging some sort of relationship with.  I am a lawyer and I routinely google opposing counsel, litigants, judges.......

[RubyCat]

I see it from the opposite side of Surianne...they came to this meal for purpose of getting the papers signed, and they played games with their hosts as far an basic info on new SIL.  It doesn't sound like they were putting her under a light and interrogating her, just asking basic 'getting to know you' questions and they were evasive, yet when the hosts attempted to take the conversation into a neutral territory, they turned it back to themselves.  And, while Mom may be narcissistic (would she like to meet my dad?  They'd make a great pair ) she probably wanted to talk about your aunt because that is something she did know and was frustrated on the cat & mouse game Bro and SIL were playing.  I am glad to hear you made it through ok, and that you want to get to know your SIL better, but it doesn't sound like she's interested in being a part of your family right now.

I agree with inviteseller.

SIL and DB came across as rather rude to me, with their constant inside references etc. Sounds like they're made for each other.

I agree as well. Kudos to you and your husband for taking the high road and shame on bother and SIL. I don't care if your mother is a narcissist or not. They were rude. They are guests in *your* home.  The excuse offered by some that they may not have felt they could be themselves due to mother's presence is very charitable but if it was such a big issue, they should have declined the invitation and met with you another time.

[Yvaine]

Somewhat off topic, but I thought it was somewhat standard to at least google people whom you just met but either have to be connected with or are thinking about forging some sort of relationship with.  I am a lawyer and I routinely google opposing counsel, litigants, judges.......

I don't think it's all that weird, necessarily, just to google someone, at least out of curiosity (though I also don't think it would be weird not to). I'm mostly taking exception to the wild speculations about the SIL's profession.

ETA: I also think there'd be more cause to google in a situation like you describe, TurtleDove, where you are going into a trial where you will "compete" in a way, and so it can make sense to size up the opposition and get an idea of this lawyer's usual strategies or how that judge has ruled in other cases, etc. That's business and different from social matters. I will say that I've sometimes googled people in social situations but I always felt a little wrong about it. I don't think it's unusual these days, though, and again my bigger objection is about the drugs/porn assumption.

[TurtleDove]

Yvaine, agreed. I was just noting that doing a mini-"background check" doesn't strike me as rude or out of bounds.

[Girly]

Somewhat off topic, but I thought it was somewhat standard to at least google people whom you just met but either have to be connected with or are thinking about forging some sort of relationship with.  I am a lawyer and I routinely google opposing counsel, litigants, judges.......

I don't think it's all that weird, necessarily, just to google someone, at least out of curiosity (though I also don't think it would be weird not to). I'm mostly taking exception to the wild speculations about the SIL's profession.

ETA: I also think there'd be more cause to google in a situation like you describe, TurtleDove, where you are going into a trial where you will "compete" in a way, and so it can make sense to size up the opposition and get an idea of this lawyer's usual strategies or how that judge has ruled in other cases, etc. That's business and different from social matters. I will say that I've sometimes googled people in social situations but I always felt a little wrong about it. I don't think it's unusual these days, though, and again my bigger objection is about the drugs/porn assumption.

Let's say my brother is dating a girl I hardly knew beyond her name, and I googled her. Let's also say there is more than one person by that name, and most of the results are of 'Jane Doe2' instead of my brother's girlfriend 'Jane Doe1', but how am I to know that? Unless it has her picture with every story or her Facebook/Twitter/whatever other Social Media is open, I would feel like I was snooping in on her, and it might not even be 'her' I was looking at, but 'Jane Doe2'.

However, the circumstances TurtleDove describes above I think are different, and I would certainly do Google and whatever other searches I could to find out anything I can!!

[thedudeabides]

I wouldn't jump to drugs or porn just because someone wasn't open about what kind of work they do.  I don't talk much about my job because it's technical and explaining what I do either forces me to break it down into tiny words that sound condescending or use technobabble that also sounds condescending.  And I'd be hesitant about taking anything I found online about someone, going by name only, for the reasons Girly mentioned -- it's entirely too easy to find negative information about the wrong person and run with that.

As for Easter dinner, it sounds like a giant fail all around.

[Yvaine]

I wouldn't jump to drugs or porn just because someone wasn't open about what kind of work they do.  I don't talk much about my job because it's technical and explaining what I do either forces me to break it down into tiny words that sound condescending or use technobabble that also sounds condescending.  And I'd be hesitant about taking anything I found online about someone, going by name only, for the reasons Girly mentioned -- it's entirely too easy to find negative information about the wrong person and run with that.

Or positive information.  Googling me used to bring up my book reviews. All fine and good. Then someone with my same name hit college this past year. She's a beautiful cheerleader somewhere in Texas. It's amazing how good-looking I've become, according to Google, in the last year...

[LadyClaire]

Somewhat off topic, but I thought it was somewhat standard to at least google people whom you just met but either have to be connected with or are thinking about forging some sort of relationship with.  I am a lawyer and I routinely google opposing counsel, litigants, judges.......

I don't think it's all that weird, necessarily, just to google someone, at least out of curiosity (though I also don't think it would be weird not to). I'm mostly taking exception to the wild speculations about the SIL's profession.

ETA: I also think there'd be more cause to google in a situation like you describe, TurtleDove, where you are going into a trial where you will "compete" in a way, and so it can make sense to size up the opposition and get an idea of this lawyer's usual strategies or how that judge has ruled in other cases, etc. That's business and different from social matters. I will say that I've sometimes googled people in social situations but I always felt a little wrong about it. I don't think it's unusual these days, though, and again my bigger objection is about the drugs/porn assumption.

Let's say my brother is dating a girl I hardly knew beyond her name, and I googled her. Let's also say there is more than one person by that name, and most of the results are of 'Jane Doe2' instead of my brother's girlfriend 'Jane Doe1', but how am I to know that? Unless it has her picture with every story or her Facebook/Twitter/whatever other Social Media is open, I would feel like I was snooping in on her, and it might not even be 'her' I was looking at, but 'Jane Doe2'.

Or it could be like me. My first name/maiden name combination brings up a bunch of random crime websites/reports on missing people because my first and maiden name are both commonly used words in the legal system. Other than that, for actual people it brings up a few who are not me. My married name brings up dozens of women who are not me.

[LadyClaire]

I'm also inclined to think that she is either unemployed or does something that tends to be seen in a negative way by people. All it takes is a few people saying "Ugh, how can you stand to DO that?" before someone would get reluctant to disclose what they do for a living, even when it's a completely normal occupation that does not involve drugs/porn.

[audrey1962]

Or she's just unhappy in her job and doesn't want to discuss it. I was like that for a while.

[Lynn2000]

I think there's lots of fairly innocent reasons why one common topic, such as a job, would get vague responses. But if I interpreted the update correctly, it seems like almost all inquiries about SIL received vague responses. That seems weird to me. Why attend a gathering, at which you will be introduced to many new in-laws, if you aren't prepared to say anything at all about yourself?

[mandycorn]

I think it's fine to have some subjects where a person wants to be vague, but I think it behooves them to come up with alternate topics to suggest in those cases to help move the conversation along (beandip anyone?) and not go back to the original topic, especially not to make veiled references or inside jokes.

[SeptGurl]

Given what little I do know, I tend to lean toward the likelihood that my SIL may be unemployed or perhaps she is underemployed and embarrassed about it.

During dinner, she asked me what I do. I told her. It was a pretty straightforward dialogue. If the topic of her employment is off limits, then I'm not sure why she asked about mine.

If I had responded to her questions about my employment in the way she responded to DH's question, it would have been something like, "I'm aspiring to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony, and I'm retired from raising Sea Monkeys." DH was genuinely trying to get to know her, and he felt her response was dismissive.

DH has much stronger feelings than I do about our interactions that day with my brother and SIL. He believes they were downright rude the whole afternoon. I'm so confused by the whole situation that I'm not sure what to believe.