Author Topic: Family Vacation - was I clueless?  (Read 10254 times)

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Marbles

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #30 on: March 18, 2013, 02:35:25 AM »
I think it depends on the family- my dad would be offended if I tried to pay for my hotel on a trip. Heck, I had to argue him into letting me use my frequent flyer miles recently- and I'm 39. He still sees it as his job to cover trips.

We finally succeeded in treating my Dad to breakfast at Ihop. He pays every time we're all out, even if DH and I, or Sis have invited him. He even paid for his own birthday dinner ::)

DH was so excited that he got the check without any guff from Dad. It seems silly, but DH was getting really irritated at the 'slight to his (DH's) manhood' We've gotten around it by inviting him to our house for dinner :D
That's my grandpa, right there. The day we managed to pay for his dinner, I can't tell you how excited we were. Silly, but true.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #31 on: March 18, 2013, 01:26:47 PM »
OP, you should have been told, up front, there was cost involved.  Your family was rude.

Margo

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #32 on: March 20, 2013, 07:51:00 AM »

So you were invited, accepted, and then told that it would not only cost you, but you'd be paying 1/4 the cost of the trip, in spite of using 1/6 of the sleeping space and 1/7 of the other resources?

That's a double whammy. If you're charging by 'family' then each family gets similar access to the resources - ie, the single person has as much right to the king sized bed and ensuite as the family of four.

I agree.

OP, I hate to say this, but it sounds like your father's family expected you to subsidise their holiday.

I agree. We don't normally do big family holidays, but the time we did, we split the costs with reference to the number of people and the accommodation used - so we (group of 7, using 4 bedrooms) paid the same for accommodation as my aunt (group of 4 people, using 3 rooms but with better facilities) more than my other aunt (group of 4, using 2 rooms) and the food costs were a straight per-person with a small adjustment so that the vegetarians paid a bit less (we were spending christmas so were buying some fairly large, very nice joints of meat)

The costs of the accommodation was made clear upfront and each family got to decide how many rooms they wanted so if (say) your teenagers wanted rooms of their own, you could chose whether to pay for extra rooms or make them share, but  each family knew how many and what type of rooms they would have)

Midge

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #33 on: March 20, 2013, 10:38:52 AM »
The post that mentioned the couple that got stuck sleeping on the floor, in bunk beds, etc. reminded me of our family vacation to DH's aunt and uncle's cottage. We were pressured to go, because, of course, FAAAAMILY! even though we all live within 60 miles of each other and see each other every holiday. So we go, and rooms are divided in a way that hubby and I are spending two nights on an air mattress in the hallway. Festive! Did I mention that everyone in that family seems to have pea-sized bladders? And there was one bathroom? And our air mattress was in front of it?

When the next year rolled around, we basically said "We don't think we can make it." The "selling point" then was--"It's on a lake, it's so relaxing, you can kayak, and swim ...!"

DH and I live on a lake. Year-round. We know what it's like.

Cz. Burrito

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #34 on: March 20, 2013, 10:49:23 AM »
It should have been worded something like this, "We are intending to rent a condo on the beach and wondered if you might like to go in on it with us. We'll get a bigger one if you want to join us so that you'll have your own bedroom. If so your share will be $$"

Agreed.  If it were a friend, I would expect to chip in, but it's very common for parents to treat their kids to things and include them on vacations for no additional cost even when they're adults.  My parents still don't charge me for my share of our annual vacation at a resort (I've even offered).  So unless money were mentioned up front, I wouldn't think anything of my parents saying "we're going to the beach, want to come with?"

VorFemme

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #35 on: March 20, 2013, 12:19:10 PM »
It should have been worded something like this, "We are intending to rent a condo on the beach and wondered if you might like to go in on it with us. We'll get a bigger one if you want to join us so that you'll have your own bedroom. If so your share will be $$"

Agreed.  If it were a friend, I would expect to chip in, but it's very common for parents to treat their kids to things and include them on vacations for no additional cost even when they're adults.  My parents still don't charge me for my share of our annual vacation at a resort (I've even offered).  So unless money were mentioned up front, I wouldn't think anything of my parents saying "we're going to the beach, want to come with?"

We've had my parents join us at our time share in Florida several times - each time Dad insists on giving DH a check for "their share".  He apparently can't have fun if he hasn't paid something for the privilege.

We aren't going to starve them and he pays for "their" tickets to attractions....but as they are in their seventies, they may not be joining us any more.....it's a long drive from West Texas, where they live, to Orlando, Florida - with or without side trips to pick up a grandchild or two to bring with them!
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

LadyClaire

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #36 on: March 21, 2013, 10:30:15 AM »

A friend of mine from work had an issue like this with her family.  She was the first in her family to graduate from college.  Her family had no real understanding of incomes for "white collar" jobs and greatly overestimated how much money she made.  And they REALLY overestimated what my friend's husband made.  They would frequently refer to her "high paying job" and "all that money" she made and how "rich" she and her husband were. 

My husband had that issue with his mother. He has had to tell her repeatedly that he doesn't make nearly what she thinks he does, and that while he makes enough for us to live comfortably along with my income, it's not enough for him to be paying everyone's way.

weeblewobble

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #37 on: March 21, 2013, 11:06:06 AM »
The post that mentioned the couple that got stuck sleeping on the floor, in bunk beds, etc. reminded me of our family vacation to DH's aunt and uncle's cottage. We were pressured to go, because, of course, FAAAAMILY! even though we all live within 60 miles of each other and see each other every holiday. So we go, and rooms are divided in a way that hubby and I are spending two nights on an air mattress in the hallway. Festive! Did I mention that everyone in that family seems to have pea-sized bladders? And there was one bathroom? And our air mattress was in front of it?

When the next year rolled around, we basically said "We don't think we can make it." The "selling point" then was--"It's on a lake, it's so relaxing, you can kayak, and swim ...!"

DH and I live on a lake. Year-round. We know what it's like.

I think in a lot of cases, the parents either still think of their adult children as minors, whose choices are to be determined by the parents.  Or, they still see the family pecking order as it was when the children were young and the children's comfort is secondary to their own  It's not necessarily malicious.  They' just haven't adjusted to the idea that the adult children are grown ups with spouses of their own.  They think, "Well, you're younger than me, you can sleep on the floor without your back hurting the next morning."  There may also be a certain level of, "Well, we put up with sleeping on an air mattress in my parents' floor when we were newlyweds, now it's your turn."

Or at some level, they're not entirely comfortable with the idea that their adult children are sleeping with their significant others under the same roof and possibly playing scrabble.  Putting the young couple on an air mattress in a common area of the house would definitely put a damper on that activity.

For my own parents, they were so used to enforcing boundaries to keep teenage DH and myself within the bounds of appropriate behavior that it was difficult to get out of that mode. DH and I started dating when we were in our early teens.   They were used to spend a lot of time with DH, camping, vacationing, traveling together.  And in each case, they made the expectations very clear, even after we got engaged (around age 20) - no sleeping in the same room/tent until we were married.

So the first time we visited my parents house after we got married, DH was carrying in the bags and I said, "Honey we're in the front bedroom by the stairs." My dad's snapped, "You are NOT!" And we all sort of stopped and stared at him.  He blushed and said, "Oh, right, you're married.  Sorry."

Midge

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #38 on: March 22, 2013, 10:08:06 AM »
The post that mentioned the couple that got stuck sleeping on the floor, in bunk beds, etc. reminded me of our family vacation to DH's aunt and uncle's cottage. We were pressured to go, because, of course, FAAAAMILY! even though we all live within 60 miles of each other and see each other every holiday. So we go, and rooms are divided in a way that hubby and I are spending two nights on an air mattress in the hallway. Festive! Did I mention that everyone in that family seems to have pea-sized bladders? And there was one bathroom? And our air mattress was in front of it?

When the next year rolled around, we basically said "We don't think we can make it." The "selling point" then was--"It's on a lake, it's so relaxing, you can kayak, and swim ...!"

DH and I live on a lake. Year-round. We know what it's like.

I think in a lot of cases, the parents either still think of their adult children as minors, whose choices are to be determined by the parents.  Or, they still see the family pecking order as it was when the children were young and the children's comfort is secondary to their own  It's not necessarily malicious.  They' just haven't adjusted to the idea that the adult children are grown ups with spouses of their own.  They think, "Well, you're younger than me, you can sleep on the floor without your back hurting the next morning."  There may also be a certain level of, "Well, we put up with sleeping on an air mattress in my parents' floor when we were newlyweds, now it's your turn."

Or at some level, they're not entirely comfortable with the idea that their adult children are sleeping with their significant others under the same roof and possibly playing scrabble.  Putting the young couple on an air mattress in a common area of the house would definitely put a damper on that activity.

For my own parents, they were so used to enforcing boundaries to keep teenage DH and myself within the bounds of appropriate behavior that it was difficult to get out of that mode. DH and I started dating when we were in our early teens.   They were used to spend a lot of time with DH, camping, vacationing, traveling together.  And in each case, they made the expectations very clear, even after we got engaged (around age 20) - no sleeping in the same room/tent until we were married.

So the first time we visited my parents house after we got married, DH was carrying in the bags and I said, "Honey we're in the front bedroom by the stairs." My dad's snapped, "You are NOT!" And we all sort of stopped and stared at him.  He blushed and said, "Oh, right, you're married.  Sorry."

In a way, that's true, his folks still see us as "the kids," but at the time of the story we were in our mid-40s and had been married more than 20 years, so we were/are hardly "the newlyweds."

I think in this case, it's because we're so independent as opposed to SIL and BIL, who rely on MIL and FIL for EVERYTHING, even though they're in their mid-40s (they got a room at the cottage), that they don't really think of us as "needing" anything, or maybe that we won't complain, which BIL has several awards in.

Vermin8

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #39 on: March 22, 2013, 01:34:39 PM »
thanks, everyone, I've read all of the feedback.
I was looking for any feedback - good or bad - so it's nice to get validation  :)
Basic lessons: 1) Be upfront about asking about the costs 2) be quick about communicating a change in plans (this was my biggest mistake I think - I should have declined to go after the issue of the cost came up 3) don't let them get away with planning your vacation for you!

Girly

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #40 on: March 23, 2013, 10:36:55 AM »
Even with family, if someone asked me to vacation with them, the first thing out of my mouth would be, "How much is it going to cost?"  I would never, in a million years, assume someone else was paying for me.  Not even my parents.  If they then said that they were covering everything, that would be awesome, and I'd be grateful for sure.  But to not even ask the question?  I don't understand that.

This is my question, as well.

Even in circumstances when either my parents or FIL or MIL normally pay for something (think dinner, etc) I ALWAYS offer to pay (and sometimes grab the check before they can). I never assume they are paying, even if they invite us out.

My SIL got married last year in Gatlinburg, and my husband's Grandmother rented a large cabin. One of his aunts and uncles (with children) stayed in the cabin, and they invited us (and some other family members) as well. The very first question out of my mouth after saying we would LOVE to stay with them, was 'How much is our share for the cabin?'. Again, even though Grandmother booked the cabin on her own and invited us, I never once assumed she was going to pay for us.

sammycat

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #41 on: March 23, 2013, 07:46:00 PM »
Even in circumstances when either my parents or FIL or MIL normally pay for something (think dinner, etc) I ALWAYS offer to pay (and sometimes grab the check before they can). I never assume they are paying, even if they invite us out.

Me too.  I never assume anyone else is paying for something, especially for something as major as a holiday (usually because they aren't!), so on the very rare occasion it does happen that someone else pays for a meal, for example, it's an unexpected bonus. I can't recall a time anyone has ever shouted me a holiday.

CakeEater

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #42 on: March 24, 2013, 12:47:20 AM »
DH and I have invited my parents, and PIL along for a day or two of a longer beach holiday if we have enough room for them in our holiday unit, and they've done the same for us. It wouldn't occur to any of us to ask for money for the night or two. We're going, and paying anyway, and we're inviting them along to have a day at the beach with us and kids.

I'd actually be a bit stunned and a bit insulted if the first words out of their mouths were, 'How much will this cost' the same as if they offered to pay us for spending a night at our house.


TootsNYC

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #43 on: March 24, 2013, 02:01:46 AM »
Even in circumstances when either my parents or FIL or MIL normally pay for something (think dinner, etc) I ALWAYS offer to pay (and sometimes grab the check before they can). I never assume they are paying, even if they invite us out.

Me too.  I never assume anyone else is paying for something, especially for something as major as a holiday (usually because they aren't!), so on the very rare occasion it does happen that someone else pays for a meal, for example, it's an unexpected bonus. I can't recall a time anyone has ever shouted me a holiday.

Even if my parents directly invited me, using words like "be our guest," I'd be expecting to pay something.

And if they said, "would you like to come with us on vacation," I'd absolutely assume that I would need to pay all my own expenses. Only if I were still in college would I think that they were paying for me.

So I think I vote "clueless" for the OP.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Family Vacation - was I clueless?
« Reply #44 on: March 24, 2013, 05:32:19 AM »
I think "going on vacation" is pretty variable, too.  Lodging is usually flexible in price in any given area, and it's not really more expensive to get somewhere that holds 4 people as opposed to 3 (or whatever).  Sometimes it means getting a larger place, but once you're looking at cabins/condos/rentals intended for more than a regular hotel room could hold, the incremental expense is minimal.  DH and I have frequently rented and stayed at places where we could easily have fit more people in.  If I were invited along on a vacation like this, I would expect about a 50% chance of being asked to pay.

On the other hand, there are plenty of individual "vacation" expenses and I think it's pretty normal to assume everyone pays for their own restaurant meals, attraction tickets, shopping, plane tickets, etc.  A "come hang out at our beach house" vacation is much more likely to be free (to the person being invited) than a trip to Disneyworld, because the lodging is the major portion of the travel expense.