Author Topic: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?  (Read 5421 times)

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Fragglerocker

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2013, 11:04:52 PM »
I see some holes in this theory. Only the person in line to get the gifts can be labeled a gimme pig. And people don't throw their own showers. These days it's common for a bride-/mom-to-be's church group, co-workers or both to throw her a shower. Sometimes those groups are large. If the guest list for a church or work shower is long, it's not because the GOH is a gimme pig; it's because the custom is to invite everyone in the group.

We've read stories here about BTBs and MTBs who breathed down the necks of their shower organizers and pressed them to invite Great-Aunt Gertie and all the 13th cousins twice removed, even if the organizer couldn't afford to host so many, because presents! So yes, it happens. But I don't think it's as simple as "long guest list = greedy GOH."

That part is definitely true, when it comes to family.  Note the original post though I wasn't talking about a huge family but a huge group that was invited that the GoH was a part of.  I find it hard to believe that the GoH is all that close to all 80 of the female members of this co-ed group (group is about 140 total, more women than men.)   And like I said, it'd be different if they'd have hosted their *own* shower, but the people who made up the hosts (myself included) only one was part of that group with the GoH (and she only brought punch, she wasn't the main coordinator).

And as another poster added--if the size exceeds the ability to host...?  Well, since she isn't hosting it, that becomes irrelevant.

In this particular case I honestly don't know all the facts as to how the guest list (inviting all in this group) was arrived upon but I am under the impression that the following happened (based on the "chair" of our group of hostesses' telling me)--

Girl A offered to host the shower. MTB accepted.
Girl A did nothing for months.
I started asking my friend (Girl B) if MTB was having a shower as her due date was approaching and I hadn't heard anything and I wasn't sure if I was just not invited (possible) or if one hadn't been planned.  Girl B did not know either but as she is closer to MTB than I am, she decided to look into it, and asked MTB's husband if MTB was having a shower.
MTB's husband (FTB) tells Girl B that Girl A offered to host but had not followed up even to secure a date for the shower.
Girl B worried MTB wasn't going to even *get* a shower and so she went to Girl A and followed up.
Girl A admitted she really didn't know what she was getting in to (she is a recent immigrant to the states and admitted she has never been to a baby shower and did not feel comfortable hosting one, which of course begs the question of why she offered in the first place, but whatever,) and Girl B then stepped in and offered to "help."
Girl B then took over as "chair" and recruited me and several other friends to throw it together in about 3 weeks, which we did.  Girl A was asked to bring one food item, which she did. 

So with all this I don't even know when the guest list was put together.  I can easily see that what happened may have been that MtB told Girl A how many people she wanted to have and Girl A panicked, then didn't do anything and that may have been when the whole thing fell apart.  I do know that when Girl B (my friend) stepped in as chair/host, she was given the guest list and was shocked at how big it was, but didn't want to say anything because the MtB already thought she *was* having a shower (thrown by Girl A) and my friend (Girl B) figured some of the "guests" may already have been told they'd be invited, so she didn't have the heart to tell the MtB to trim it or not invite the whole group.  (If I'd been "chair" as opposed to just helping, I would have told MtB that I can only handle her friends and family, not that entire group, but that was never my call.)

Sharnita

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2013, 11:15:08 PM »
I agree that numbers would be a bad way to judge. If my aunts and first cousins all lived locally I could have over thirty women with close relatives, before any friends were ever invited.  ANd I know some people who ahve bigger families than I do. I could also see the ladies at church throwing a shower and having a large number of women come.

Mammavan3

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2013, 11:16:41 PM »
I don't think you can base it on numbers because some people have big families and/or lots of friends.

But if the registry only has gifts that cost upwards of $50 and lots of big ticket items, I'd start thinking about piggies.

I apologise for the tone of my initial post, but the first baby shower I ever attended was at a job that I had before I found my profession. 

It was for the most senior female in the place who owned a percentage of the company and the hostess was my immediate supervisor who was looking to kiss up.  She assigned gifts to the other guests, some of which cost two days' pay.  This was so wrong it soured me on workplace baby showers for quite a while.  The MTB signed our paychecks and was raking in enough money to equal all of our salaries combined.  We had no social interaction outside of work and she was a female dog besides.

This was completely inappropriate and there was resentment for weeks afterward.

There are numerous problems with this shower, bit I don't think the salary of the MTB is one of them. I worked for a senior executive of a Fortune 50 company. She and her DH each made millions each year. The women in her department and some others with whom she interacted threw her a small shower because we wanted to wish her well. The gifts were small but entirely voluntary. It was mainly about the cake.


We don't have a large family, but, possibly because of that, we're pretty close. Between my family and DH's there are 26 women, and that's before you add in any of DSIL's relatives or one friend. These relatives are the ones with whom we celebrate every holiday and event.  The average shower has about fifty guests, and I can guarantee that omitting one would be considered an insult.

There are many ways of exhibiting greed, but I don't think that the sheer number of guests is necessarily one of them.

TootsNYC

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #18 on: March 22, 2013, 12:53:41 AM »
I don't have children and don't come from a big family, but I'm inclined to think that baby showers should be restricted to family and friends.  And by "family" I mean people who are actually part of the expectant mother's life, not a 3rd cousin four times removed whom she's only seen once.  If that description fits 50 or more people, great.  If not you don't add to the numbers.


My MIL tried to do this w/ my bridal shower, and people she knew were hurt or insulted--and they let her know about it!


TootsNYC

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #19 on: March 22, 2013, 12:58:12 AM »

I think Gimmee Pig status would be earned if the total income of the couple is more than adequate to purchase the total value of the gifts.

That puts the responsibility for Gimmee Pig status on the shoulders of the people who are GIVING!

Plus, it almost says that you HAVE to have a "fund-raiser" shower.

How can you call my niece-in-law a gimme pig because I and my mom and my sister-in-law and my aunt were cheapskates?

I was thinking about Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, who buys dresses for $79 because she likes them--and wears them several times.

And wondering if her friends would throw her a shower and buy her onesies, and baby gadgets they they like. And the Beatrix Potter baby dinnerware.

I sort of thing they will--and that these will be her favorite gifts, far and away more loved than the things they'll receive from heads of state or other nobility/royalty. (Except maybe the soccer-team jersey from  Harry, who is royal).

Winterlight

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #20 on: March 22, 2013, 09:00:05 AM »
I think the gimmepig criteria boils down to this :

Are you inviting people you barely know , rarely interact with or don't really like simply to increase the gift expectations ? That's gimmepig .

If you are fortunate to have a large circle of friens and family who you know would want to be included in the event then it doesn't matter how large your shower is .

It's not about the number of people you invite , it's about the reason why you invited them .

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MariaE

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #21 on: March 22, 2013, 09:44:28 AM »
I think the gimmepig criteria boils down to this :

Are you inviting people you barely know , rarely interact with or don't really like simply to increase the gift expectations ? That's gimmepig .

If you are fortunate to have a large circle of friens and family who you know would want to be included in the event then it doesn't matter how large your shower is .

It's not about the number of people you invite , it's about the reason why you invited them .

This.

Completely agree. I come from a large, close-knit family. At my last birthday party we were 28 people... and that's before any friends are added to the mix. I don't care about the presents - I genuinely want to see everybody there.
 
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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #22 on: March 22, 2013, 09:45:56 AM »
Some people, when they are getting married or having a baby, get crazy and decide that those who are near and dear should feel honored to throw these lavish showers so they can get as much loot as possible.  They don't think of the costs to their friends who have graciously offered (or have been strong armed) to give the shower and how it looks to the guests who only know you as someone they see sitting in the 5th pew at church or as the daughter of their co worker but yet are invited for the chance to get another gift.  These are not, to me, showers, but gimmefests of the worst kind.  Having a baby or getting married does not mean that it is the chance to get people to subsidize your life choices for a plate of rigatoni and a net bag of dinner mints.  To me, if someone is offering to throw you a shower, it is the host who gets to decide how many she can accommodate at the party, and it should be kept to those who are a part of the lives of the couple or the baby...not everyone they ever said 'hi' to on the street.

GrammarNerd

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #23 on: March 22, 2013, 09:54:05 AM »
I don't think it's strictly number of guests, but the actual relationship of the invited person to the MTB or BTB.  And I mean actual relationship, not just the technical relationship, like the fact that someone is (for example) your cousin. 

DH has a lot of cousins (first, second, even third) that I've barely or never met.  If we have met, I've maybe seen them a few times since we've been together.  So when the kids of the first cousins started growing up, and I got invited to wedding and then baby showers for them.  So when 1) I didn't even realize that the 'child' had grown up enough to get married/have a baby, and 2) I wouldn't know the GOH if I passed her on the street, or even 3) I don't even know who the heck the GOH is b/c it's the fiancé/wife of a second cousin-in-law that we've never met or even heard about, then I get the strong sense of gimmepigdom.  I mean, if at least one half of the recipient couple doesn't personally know me well enough to have a conversation with me or walk up to me and know who I am, then I don't feel that I should be invited to buy you a present.

There's another part of this that is how I feel, right or wrong, although in saying this I realize that I will probably get some who disagree with my stance.  And my stance is that there's a certain standard of etiquette regarding appreciation of gifts that are given to you, and if you don't make some effort there, and then invite me to subsequent gift-giving events, then it reeks of gimmepigdom.  Case in point: I have a second cousin that I knew while growing up, would recognize her if I passed her on the street, etc.  Went to her wedding and gave her a gift that I'd spent some time putting together and it had a story behind it (items off her registry, so nothing she didn't ask for).  Her mother was very etiquette-proper with writing thank you notes, so I thought it was strange that I never received a thank you note for the gift.  Then, THREE MONTHS later, I received a photo card of the couple in the mail and there was preprinted text on it that said something like "Thank you for sharing our day with us."  That was it.  No personalized thank you whatsoever, no mention of the gift and even that was quite late (for what it was).  So when I got invited to her baby shower, I wasn't able to attend, and no, I didn't send a gift.  I saw no point in taking the time and money to purchase a gift for someone who'd already shown that she didn't appreciate the effort/money that I'd put in for her already.  I saw her at a funeral recently and we chatted amiably, so I don't harbor any ill feelings toward her; I'm just not going to get her gifts.

Rohanna

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #24 on: March 22, 2013, 09:54:38 AM »
Please don't think it's always the guest of honor. I had a surprise baby shower thrown for me by my mother (and yes, I know she wasn't even supposed to be the host...)- I had no say or input on the guest list. I had to smile and be gracious to people I'd never even met, while inside I was dying inside because I'm sure some of them thought I was greedy. To make it worse, some of them were my Father's juniors at work- so TPTB knows if they felt "coerced" into coming. She "forgot" to invite some of my friends. Luckily they know my Mother's brand of crazy, and one of them had a nice, private party for me later...

Would it have been better for me to have caused a scene and left, or informed guests I hadn't really wanted a shower or them invited? I made the best of it and went along (emphasizing, subtly I hope, the "surprise" part) because it certainly wasn't their fault my mother decided to invite people without asking me.

(This is one of the many reasons I don't talk to my Mother. That and the time she tried to get false charges on my family. Or the time she was convinced the government was trying to kill her.)
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Sharnita

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #25 on: March 22, 2013, 09:59:48 AM »
I do think that is a good point - the hosts might be making the guest list.  There might also be issues about some people getting offended if they aren't invited.  They might see it is a sign that they are not close enough or good enough friends and be hurt/offended.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #26 on: March 22, 2013, 12:29:15 PM »
I got an invitation last year for a baby shower that, while it was for a first child, just screamed "gimme pig" because not only did they include the registry info (which to a degree I can forgive because it seems some people just aren't aware of the etiquette) but they also said "If you cannot attend, you may send gifts to this address"   Nice...

I didn't go, not just because of the invitation, but the dates just didn't work out for me because DH was going to be out of town that day and like many showers, it was male and childfree and as my children are males, they had two strikes against them. *joke*.

When I found out my MIL wanted to throw a shower for me for my 3rd, I really didn't want to do it but DH practically begged me to cause he said it meant a lot to his mom to do this and she was excited since she missed the early years for my first two, or most of it anyway since we lived across the country that time.  So she was eager to be able to see this one more often.  So I caved and it wasn't too bad. She didn't invite any of the people who were at the last shower for my first, it was very small, maybe 7 people, most who were family or close enough to be family. 

On the other hand she did invite one of her best friends and her pastor who I did know, but not very well. 
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TootsNYC

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #27 on: March 22, 2013, 12:47:54 PM »
Please don't think it's always the guest of honor. I had a surprise baby shower thrown for me by my mother (and yes, I know she wasn't even supposed to be the host...)- I had no say or input on the guest list. I had to smile and be gracious to people I'd never even met, while inside I was dying inside because I'm sure some of them thought I was greedy. To make it worse, some of them were my Father's juniors at work- so TPTB knows if they felt "coerced" into coming. She "forgot" to invite some of my friends. Luckily they know my Mother's brand of crazy, and one of them had a nice, private party for me later...


I'm sure they knew who put their name on the guest list.

Venus193

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #28 on: March 22, 2013, 01:07:53 PM »
I got an invitation last year for a baby shower that, while it was for a first child, just screamed "gimme pig" because not only did they include the registry info (which to a degree I can forgive because it seems some people just aren't aware of the etiquette) but they also said "If you cannot attend, you may send gifts to this address"   Nice...

I didn't go, not just because of the invitation, but the dates just didn't work out for me because DH was going to be out of town that day and like many showers, it was male and childfree and as my children are males, they had two strikes against them. *joke*.

When I found out my MIL wanted to throw a shower for me for my 3rd, I really didn't want to do it but DH practically begged me to cause he said it meant a lot to his mom to do this and she was excited since she missed the early years for my first two, or most of it anyway since we lived across the country that time.  So she was eager to be able to see this one more often.  So I caved and it wasn't too bad. She didn't invite any of the people who were at the last shower for my first, it was very small, maybe 7 people, most who were family or close enough to be family. 

On the other hand she did invite one of her best friends and her pastor who I did know, but not very well.

That clearly screams Gimme Pig.  About 1,000 decibels.

turnip

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Re: Max number of guests before gimmepigdome is imputed?
« Reply #29 on: March 22, 2013, 02:28:27 PM »
Quote
This friend is part of a large group at church and invited every.single.female.member of the group.  Total invited from this group: about 80

I will say too - in MTB's possible defence - that with groups like this it is often hard to figure out how to draw a line.  If she'd only invited 20 members of the group, the other 60 might well wonder why they'd been excluded.   If there was no obvious way to delineate between them all, then you can be in an all or nothing situation.