Do we tell FFIL?

[Mental Magpie]

My FMIL and FFIL divorced three years or so ago. It was amicable, they still talk every now and then, and we (the Eagle and I as well as his brother and SIL) thought everything was hunkydory especially considering FMIL had been dating and living with Steve since about when she divorced FFIL.

Then we foun out that FFIL doesn't know about Steve. This entire time we all thought he knew. None of us ever brought up Steve in front of him because we thought it would be insensitive at the least and rude at the most. Come to find out he never knew and now none of us know what to do.

We feel like we've been lying this entire time and I know I feel just awful about it. I don't know what to do. On one hand it's not my place to tell; on the other I don't want to lie, either. Help?

[pharmagal]

You're not telling him a lie.  It's none of his business who his ex is seeing.  Nor is it your place to tell him anything about Steve.  that's between your partners family and him.

[Perfect Circle]

I agree. It is not your place to tell him anything.

[TootsNYC]

how do you know he doesn't know?

(Maybe he said something about "if she ever starts dating again" or something similar? I'm curious)

And, I'd just stop worrying about "not mentioning Steve." If he comes to mind during a conversation, don't censor that out.

[Girly]

Totally stay out of this one. This is a relationship issue between FMIL and FFIL (if even that), not you.

[Margo]

It isn't your business, or your responsibility, to tell him. Equally, it is not your business or responsibility to hide it from him. If Steve comes up naturally in the conversation don't censor yourself, if he doesn't, you don't need to go out of your way to mention him.

If it is important because you intend to invite Steve with your mum to an event where FFIL will be, then I suggest  that  it may be sensible to ensure that that does come up casually in conversation ahead of the time, as if he's not aware, unexpectedly finding out at a joint event may be uncomfortable for everyone.

[Winterlight]

This is definitely something you should stay out of. If your fiance decides to tell his father, that's his call. You should not.

[MariaE]

It isn't your business, or your responsibility, to tell him. Equally, it is not your business or responsibility to hide it from him. If Steve comes up naturally in the conversation don't censor yourself, if he doesn't, you don't need to go out of your way to mention him.

If it is important because you intend to invite Steve with your mum to an event where FFIL will be, then I suggest  that  it may be sensible to ensure that that does come up casually in conversation ahead of the time, as if he's not aware, unexpectedly finding out at a joint event may be uncomfortable for everyone.

I agree with this.

Like Toots, I'm also curious as to how you found out that he doesn't know?

[Mikayla]

This is definitely something you should stay out of. If your fiance decides to tell his father, that's his call. You should not.

I agree.  I don't think it's always just between the couple. If this was OPs own father, there may be reasons she'd want to say something.  In this case, if anything is said at all, it should be son to father.

[Moray]

Definitely stay out of this. It's not your place, or your business.

[Mental Magpie]

Sorry, I wasn't totally clear.  The Eagle also wants to know how to proceed.  As far as I am concerned, I wasn't going to go running to tell FFIL, but I didn't know if I should just keep Steve out of all conversation or not.  I feel like I'm lying to him when he brings up things about FMIL that she told him which I know aren't true.

We know FFIL doesn't know for a couple of reasons.  For one, he mentioned how FMIL told him she was moving to another state and how she was going to live with a friend from current state who was also moving there in order to help take care of a relative.  She didn't tell him she was moving there because Steve got a job there which is why she is actually moving there.  This is when it dawned on us that he had no idea she was living with Steve.  He then went on to talk about how he (FFIL) didn't think it was a good idea because FMIL didn't have a plan yet as to how to earn money.  Well, her plan is for Steve to pay for everything because that's how their relationship works.  If FFIL knew Steve was in the picture, I don't think he would have mentioned the whole money thing.

[Moray]

I think Mental Boyfriend needs to ask himself "What do I hope to gain by telling my father?" and go from there. Does he feel it will in some way help his father get closure? Is he worried that his dad is somehow financing his mom under the mistaken impression that she's single and disadvantaged or something?

Basically, unless there's a good, helpful reason to tell him, I wouldn't recommend he sit him down for a "talk" about it. Mind you, that doesn't mean he should "keep it a secret", and he shouldn't think to censor himself if Steve comes up in normal conversation. ("What are you doing this weekend, son?" "Oh, Mom and Steve have invited me to come see their new house.") but really, since they're divorced, it's not much of his dad's right to know, either.

[rose red]

Your BF should ask his mother why his dad doesn't know about Steve and if it's OK to talk about him in front of his dad.  The situation sounds strange since she's a single woman, but there may be a reason.

[Perfect Circle]

I think Mental Boyfriend needs to ask himself "What do I hope to gain by telling my father?" and go from there. Does he feel it will in some way help his father get closure? Is he worried that his dad is somehow financing his mom under the mistaken impression that she's single and disadvantaged or something?

Basically, unless there's a good, helpful reason to tell him, I wouldn't recommend he sit him down for a "talk" about it. Mind you, that doesn't mean he should "keep it a secret", and he shouldn't think to censor himself if Steve comes up in normal conversation. ("What are you doing this weekend, son?" "Oh, Mom and Steve have invited me to come see their new house.") but really, since they're divorced, it's not much of his dad's right to know, either.

I agree.

I do also wonder is there a particular reason why your boyfriend's father should know? I don't mean anyone should have to hide things from him, but as they are divorced and your boyfriend's mother has chosen not to tell him, I don't really see why someone else should. If it comes up in conversation, it comes up, but other than that I think you should leave it alone.

[bah12]

They are divorced and who FMIL is seeing and why she's moving are of no concern to FFIL.

That being said, if FMIL asked you to lie, tell her you are uncomfortable.  For instance if she says it's to care for an elderly relative and you know for a fact that it isn't...although, it is possible that Steve got a new job in other state so that he could care for an elderly relative...then just say that you aren't comfortable saying something that clearly isn't true.  Leaving out who she's moving with is one thing, but fabricating a whole story is out of your comfort zone.  (Note: I don't think what you have been doing, which is not talking about her dating life to FFIL, constitutes lying.  He doesn't have a need to know and the conversation hasn't come up).

Outside of that, it wouldn't hurt to clarify what she is and isn't comfortable with FFIL knowing.  Being that it's amicable, she probably doesn't care what he knows...and if Steve happens to slip into conversation naturally, it shouldn't be a big deal.  What I am against, is your boyfriend sitting FFIL down and telling him about Steve as if he has a right to know.  He doesn't.  FFIL and FMIL should be left to handle their own relationship.