Author Topic: Do we tell FFIL?  (Read 6747 times)

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Zilla

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Re: Do I tell FFIL?
« Reply #15 on: March 22, 2013, 05:58:53 PM »
I agree with others, it isn't any of business.  If his mom wanted to let him know, she would have.  She has her reasons for not telling the whole story so be it. 


I would tell your boyfriend to just bean dip whenever his dad brings up his mom.  That way it isn't lying and it isn't discussing his mom's business. I would also have him talk to his mom and ask why she doesn't want him to know and that it puts your boyfriend in the middle.

Moray

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Re: Do I tell FFIL?
« Reply #16 on: March 22, 2013, 06:16:17 PM »
They are divorced and who FMIL is seeing and why she's moving are of no concern to FFIL.

That being said, if FMIL asked you to lie, tell her you are uncomfortable.  For instance if she says it's to care for an elderly relative and you know for a fact that it isn't...although, it is possible that Steve got a new job in other state so that he could care for an elderly relative...then just say that you aren't comfortable saying something that clearly isn't true.  Leaving out who she's moving with is one thing, but fabricating a whole story is out of your comfort zone.  (Note: I don't think what you have been doing, which is not talking about her dating life to FFIL, constitutes lying.  He doesn't have a need to know and the conversation hasn't come up).

Outside of that, it wouldn't hurt to clarify what she is and isn't comfortable with FFIL knowing.  Being that it's amicable, she probably doesn't care what he knows...and if Steve happens to slip into conversation naturally, it shouldn't be a big deal.  What I am against, is your boyfriend sitting FFIL down and telling him about Steve as if he has a right to know.  He doesn't.  FFIL and FMIL should be left to handle their own relationship.

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snappylt

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Re: Do I tell FFIL?
« Reply #17 on: March 22, 2013, 06:41:32 PM »
I agree with everyone who has said that it isn't your business to be telling him about Steve.  I think I'd just continue on as you have been.

I'm wondering, though, is this being asked about now because there's a concern that when FFIL eventually finds out he may be upset with you all that this was "kept a secret"?

If that is the concern, I wonder if you could just say (truthfully) that for the longest time you all just assumed that he knew and that he was just not talking about it.

LadyR

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Re: Do I tell FFIL?
« Reply #18 on: March 22, 2013, 07:51:19 PM »
I'm thinking with a wedding coming up, its a hard thing to keep quiet, assuming MM and her FH intend to invite Steve along with FMIL and FFIL should be told ahead of time, because having your ex's established new partner sprung on you the day of your son's wedding would not be pleasant IMO.


Mental Magpie

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Re: Do I tell FFIL?
« Reply #19 on: March 22, 2013, 09:11:18 PM »
I agree with everyone who has said that it isn't your business to be telling him about Steve.  I think I'd just continue on as you have been.

I'm wondering, though, is this being asked about now because there's a concern that when FFIL eventually finds out he may be upset with you all that this was "kept a secret"?

If that is the concern, I wonder if you could just say (truthfully) that for the longest time you all just assumed that he knew and that he was just not talking about it.

Ya know, I couldn't figure why people didn't seem to be answering my actual question...then I realized I guess I never actually expressed it and that my thread title is misleading!  (Maybe I shouldn't post at 05:00AM...)  The bolded is the major concern.

FTR, I don't think it's FFIL's business, but if he is trying to engage us in conversation about FMIL moving to CA for a certain reason when we specifically know it's for a different reason, we're lying by not saying anything.  Then when he finds out we never corrected him and knew what he was saying wasn't the truth, we've lied for a long time!  I don't want to be put in that position.

LadyR also has part of it: we plan on inviting everyone to the wedding, so what now?
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Iris

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Re: Do I tell FFIL?
« Reply #20 on: March 23, 2013, 01:17:19 AM »
I agree with everyone who has said that it isn't your business to be telling him about Steve.  I think I'd just continue on as you have been.

I'm wondering, though, is this being asked about now because there's a concern that when FFIL eventually finds out he may be upset with you all that this was "kept a secret"?

If that is the concern, I wonder if you could just say (truthfully) that for the longest time you all just assumed that he knew and that he was just not talking about it.

Ya know, I couldn't figure why people didn't seem to be answering my actual question...then I realized I guess I never actually expressed it and that my thread title is misleading!  (Maybe I shouldn't post at 05:00AM...)  The bolded is the major concern.

FTR, I don't think it's FFIL's business, but if he is trying to engage us in conversation about FMIL moving to CA for a certain reason when we specifically know it's for a different reason, we're lying by not saying anything.  Then when he finds out we never corrected him and knew what he was saying wasn't the truth, we've lied for a long time!  I don't want to be put in that position.

LadyR also has part of it: we plan on inviting everyone to the wedding, so what now?

This is a tough one. I despise it when people put me in a situation where I'm tacitly supposed to go along with their lie. It makes me feel dishonest and angry at the person who put me in that situation. So now I just don't do it. I avoid getting involved if I can but I refuse to allow someone else to dictate my standards of honesty without so much as a by-your-leave.

I don't know if it's the best solution but I personally would firstly attempt to bean dip at an early enough point that it just didn't come up (if you know what I mean). If that didn't work I'd say something like "I'm not comfortable discussing FMIL's situation with you" because that's true and doesn't put me in the middle of things. If all else failed I'd probably say "Look, you and I are hearing different stories about this. Obviously there's a mix-up or miscommunication somewhere but I REALLY don't want to get involved. This is between you and FMIL and I'm just not going to get in the middle of that." That would be my final word on the subject. I'd leave if I had to if FFIL kept pressing.

Then I'd just invite them all to the wedding and let the chips fall where they will. If FMIL really wants to keep Steve a secret then he probably won't come. The only way I would get involved any further is if it looks like the situation will interfere with your wedding plans e.g. FFIL finds out about Steve for the first time at the ceremony and may cause a scene or leave or something. Other than that my advice is to just set your own standards of honesty and stick to them.
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peaches

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Re: Do we tell FFIL?
« Reply #21 on: March 23, 2013, 02:00:32 AM »
You haven't lied about anything. Not revealing everything you know (or think you know) is not the same thing as lying.

Divorced people aren't obliged to reveal their private lives to their ex's. Nor are their children. This is something it's best to stay out of.

It sounds like you will be inviting FMIL and her friend to the wedding. Your FMIL might decide to give her ex a heads up about who she is bringing; that's up to her. if she doesn't, so what?  Anyone can bring a guest to a wedding. That doesn't reveal anything about their rel ationship.

FMIL has a life to lead, and it's to be expected that she will do so. That shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, including FFIL. Life goes on.


cicero

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Re: Do we tell FFIL?
« Reply #22 on: March 23, 2013, 03:21:37 AM »
It's *none* of ffil's business, so don't make it his business. I think it would be courteous if fmil gave her ex a heads up, if she is bringing a SO to the wedding but that ius between them

And you really don't know that he doesn't know-it may be that he said what he said because he's trying to figure out if *you* know;after all, as you,said, you and df have clearly been avoiding the subject.

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LifeOnPluto

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Re: Do we tell FFIL?
« Reply #23 on: March 23, 2013, 05:17:50 AM »
I guess I'm in the minority camp. If it were my father, I'd tell him. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it, but I would casually mention that mum is dating someone, and his name is Steve. If there's a wedding coming up where the father will be meeting Steve for the first time, I think it would be kinder to tell him now, than to spring it on him on the big day.

NyaChan

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Re: Do we tell FFIL?
« Reply #24 on: March 23, 2013, 08:33:39 AM »
This is something to discuss with MIL - I think DF should talk with her and mention that he was confused since he thought x, y, z, but FIL mentioned something different.  Go ahead and ask - does Dad not know and if she admits that she hasn't told him, let her know that you are both uncomfortable lying to him and mention the upcoming wedding where you would like everyone to attend.  Then it is up to her to decide what she wants - just know going in what you are willing and not willing to do in helping her.  She may have a reason for keeping quiet, or it could be a silly lie early on that she never figured out how to correct.

JenJay

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Re: Do we tell FFIL?
« Reply #25 on: March 23, 2013, 08:59:27 AM »
I'd call my mom and say "Dad's been asking questions about your move and it's really putting me on the spot. I'm not comfortably lying and I don't want the tension of having him find out at my wedding that you've been living with Steve this whole time. Are you going to tell him?" If she says no then I'd say "Okay. If your move comes up again I'm going to tell him that you've asked me not to discuss it with him." And that's exactly what I'd say to my dad.  :-\

ChiGirl

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Re: Do we tell FFIL?
« Reply #26 on: March 23, 2013, 11:05:27 AM »
This is something to discuss with MIL - I think DF should talk with her and mention that he was confused since he thought x, y, z, but FIL mentioned something different.  Go ahead and ask - does Dad not know and if she admits that she hasn't told him, let her know that you are both uncomfortable lying to him and mention the upcoming wedding where you would like everyone to attend.  Then it is up to her to decide what she wants - just know going in what you are willing and not willing to do in helping her.  She may have a reason for keeping quiet, or it could be a silly lie early on that she never figured out how to correct.

POD.

I would also like to know why she's been misleading FIL about her situation.  I don't want to drag this thread into legalities, but depending on the structure of their divorce settlement, FIL may be supporting MIL financially in some way.  Perhaps MIL isn't telling him about Steve because she doesn't want their previously-amicable divorce to become un-amicable?

Girly

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Re: Do we tell FFIL?
« Reply #27 on: March 23, 2013, 11:18:47 AM »
Unless it directly effects them, I don't think the details of a divorce decree is any business of the children.

gramma dishes

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Re: Do I tell FFIL?
« Reply #28 on: March 23, 2013, 11:42:15 AM »
...
Outside of that, it wouldn't hurt to clarify what she is and isn't comfortable with FFIL knowing.  Being that it's amicable, she probably doesn't care what he knows...and if Steve happens to slip into conversation naturally, it shouldn't be a big deal.  ...

I'm under the impression that she DOES care what he knows or she wouldn't have conjured up the lie about why she's moving. 

I agree with PPs who say it isn't any of Mental Magpie's business, but knowing the the MIL is lying to XFIL puts Mental Magpie and Eagle in a very bad spot!! 

I think Eagle should ask his Mom how much his Dad knows, but I also think that he should tell her that while he won't specifically bring up the boyfriend, he also won't lie for her either if Dad asks. 

Tia2

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Re: Do we tell FFIL?
« Reply #29 on: March 23, 2013, 11:52:46 AM »
Unless it directly effects them, I don't think the details of a divorce decree is any business of the children.

While it may not effect them, if one parent is deliberately defrauding the other, then doing nothing is supporting the thief.

I am absolutely not saying that is what is happening here but I don't think the above is always the case.