Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!

[TaurusGirl]

Oh wise e-hellions... I have a doozy

Important background:

1. The Hawk and I currently live in NorthernTown, but own a house in SouthernCity
2. Our dear friends Rien and Mark "house-sit" our house in SouthernCity; they pay utilities but The Hawk and I pay everything else
3. The Hawk and I have our room in our house in SouthernCity - when we travel there, we stay and live with Rien & Mark
4. Rien and Mark are getting married at the end of August
5. I have known Mark longer, but am a bridesmaid for Rien because she has become a very close friend

And on to the tale...

The Hawk and I love NorhternTown, but have eventual plans to move more South, somewhere between NorthernTown and SouthernCity. As such, every now and then we peruse the property listings for the area.

We have a specific list of must-haves, a list of would-likes, and a list of holy-cow-that-would-be-amazings. As it would happen, we found a property that has ALL of what we're looking for, and more. I contacted the agent, and said that if the property was still available in two months (that's the next time we'll be able to get away from NorthernTown long enough to travel that far) we would like to see it. The agent said he would let us know of any offers.

Because Rien & Mark have a wedding coming up, and because they live in the house The Hawk and I currently own, The Hawk decided to let them know what's going on; he sent Mark a detailed email saying we may be looking at a property in a few months, and that IF anything were to happen, it would be after their wedding, but that we wanted to give a heads up. Mark responded with "cool, thanks" and asked about the property. All sounds good, right?

Cue the drama.

I get a text from Rien: "So you're buying a new house. Great. I guess we're moving AND getting married this summer". I replied and explained exactly what was going on. She didn't answer... until I logged onto BookFace later that day. To find Rien's passive-aggressive status about having to spend her tax return on a down payment because "apparently I (Rien) have to worry about moving now too. Thanks a bunch".

*pause for milk & cookies for those reading*

I am furious - I am hurt - I am offended.

Furious because this feels like an attack from one of my closest friends, and that she deliberately is misinterpreting what she was told.
Hurt because she won't even speak to me.
Offended that she is painting me as the kind of person who would sabotage her wedding.

I don't even know where to go from here. Speak with Mark to set things straight? Speak with Rien (and end up tearing her a new one because that's how I react when I'm upset)? Drop out of the wedding? Kick them out of my house?

Am I wrong for not pausing my life because someone else is getting married?

Help

[kitchcat]

I'm confused. You own a house in Southern City, plan on moving back there, but are looking to buy a new property? Why would that cause Rien and Mark to move? Are you selling the house you are letting them stay in?

[audrey1962]

Yes, I'm confused, too: Will you be selling the house if you buy the new property?

[Sharnita]

I might send her a PM asking her if she really wnated to leave people with the impression that you had done them a disservice when they had enjoyed  place to live that only cost them utilities.

[MommyPenguin]

Wow.  First of all, congrats on finding the perfect house, and I hope that it's available when you can get to see it!  We're house-hunting, too, so I know what a pain it is.

It sounds like Rien is being really ungrateful.  (Out of curiosity, is Rien her actual name, or did you name her "Nothing" because of her past action/attitude?  Curious if there's a history.)  Letting them housesit for just the cost of utilities is awesome and should have enabled them to save up towards a down payment.  Giving them over 2 months' notice (probably 3-4 even  if you do buy the house, as it takes a while) if very appropriate and gives them plenty of time to find their own place.

Rien bad-mouthing you on "Bookface" is galling.  What are her friends saying in response?

I don't think moving and getting married in the same summer is that bad, but then we settled on a house one weekend, moved our stuff over the next weekend, and married the third weekend.  The house was basically just a mass of boxes when we returned and moved into it after our honeymoon.  I thought it was sort of fun, unpacking and setting our house up together as a newly-married couple.  But maybe moving to a new place when they've been living together won't have that element of fun and will just be work, I don't know.  Still, she has no right/reason to badmouth you on Facebook when they've been living rent-free for ages.  If she has to use her tax return for a down payment because, what, they've been blowing all of their earnings instead of saving some?  That's their problem.  It sounds like they've become far too dependent on continuing to live on your generosity and not planning for the inevitable end of housesitting.

Oh, and to the PPs, I think she said that they are looking for a house that is halfway *between* NorthernCity and SouthernCity, not in SouthernCity.  So they're presumably selling the house in SouthernCity to pay for it.  (Maybe we should dub the city the new house will be in Midway or something to avoid confusion?)

[Zilla]

I am confused, are you selling the Southern City house when you buy the other house?  Even if you aren't doing it till after the wedding, it's still a big expense for them to try and figure out.  And by you giving them a 2-3 month window, I think that is very fair notice.  Especially with them only paying utilities. 


So I can see their concern in now having to purchase a home or move into a rental. which takes time and could lessen the excitement and budget of a wedding  BUT it does not warrant the behaviour or their reaction.  And you gave them ample timing.


P.S.  What's bookface?  Is that a parody of Facebook?  Could you provide a link?

[Surianne]

I think there's a lot of jumping the gun here.  You might buy a house if it's still on the market in 2 months?  That seems like a pretty slim chance of buying a place...so I'm not sure why you needed to worry Rien and Mark about it just yet.

I also don't see where Rien has said you're sabotaging her wedding.  I read your post a few times and I can't figure out how you got that out of what she posted.  Yes, she shouldn't have vented publicly about potentially having to move, but it seems like you're reading a lot into it that just isn't there.

Dropping out of the wedding or kicking them out of the house would be a totally over-the-top reaction to this, I think.  She posted something stupid because she felt blindsided.  Wait until you calm down, and then call her up and explain the situation -- that purchasing a place is a long shot, and you didn't mean to make her stress this close to her wedding.  Then see if she apologizes for her post.

[Perfect Circle]

I would not respond to her publicly in Facebook - but I think a PM might be a good idea.

She is behaving very badly - I assume you are planning to sell the property they currently live in if you do buy a new one? This surely isn't a surprise to them or were they planning to live effectively rent free forever?

[Zilla]

Oh, and to the PPs, I think she said that they are looking for a house that is halfway *between* NorthernCity and SouthernCity, not in SouthernCity.  So they're presumably selling the house in SouthernCity to pay for it.  (Maybe we should dub the city the new house will be in Midway or something to avoid confusion?)

There's no confusion on which house.  Just that OP didn't clarify that she was going to sell house in Southern City OR friends are assuming she is selling house in Southern City when she isn't.  Just waiting on OP to clarify.

[MariaE]

I think there's a lot of jumping the gun here.  You might buy a house if it's still on the market in 2 months?  That seems like a pretty slim chance of buying a place...so I'm not sure why you needed to worry Rien and Mark about it just yet.

I disagree. When we went house hunting last summer most of the houses we looked at had been on the market for 6 months or more - the one we ended up buying had been on the market for almost 10 months. 2 months seems like a very short time in comparison.

And even if it's a slim chance, it still is a chance, so if the Hawk hadn't mentioned anything now, Rien and Mark might have even shorter notice!

I think it's understandable that Rien and Mark got a tad stressed out at the idea, but it's completely unreasonable to be mad at the OP/Hawk because of it.

[TaurusGirl]

Argh - I can't believe I left this part out!
Yes, we areplanning to sell the house  in SouthenCity if the property in Midway (thanks, good name!) Works out.

Due to the nature of the property in Midway, it would take 6+ months to broker the deal, so IF we went ahead with the purchae, it wouldn't be finalized until October or so.

[rose red]

Well, even if you are selling your old house, you did give them two months notice (maybe more since you can't expect your house to sell right away).  Did she expect to live there rent free forever?  If my tax return is big enough to cover a down payment, I'd be grateful.  Being married is about being able to support  yourselves (things happen, but you know what I mean).  She should be thanking you for that sweet deal for how ever long she's lived there, not making public PA comments.

[audrey1962]

Thanks for the clarification. 

My advice: ignore her FB drama and call her to discuss this. Explain the situation. Her reaction will determine your next steps.

Good luck!

[LeveeWoman]

I might send her a PM asking her if she really wnated to leave people with the impression that you had done them a disservice when they had enjoyed  place to live that only cost them utilities.

I'd do that.

[TaurusGirl]

Thank you for all the replies! I think part of my frustration is that what we said was we'd be looking at a property in 2 months, and that IF it was decent, we would consider selling the SouthernCity house. The Hawk specifically told Mark that nothing would be finalized until well after the wedding.

And the kicker (that I just found out this morning) is that Mark told The Hawk that he and Rien were planning on starting to house-hunt right after the wedding anyway. *sigh*

I realize I'm pretty worked up over this, but it's kind of the latest in a string of over-reactions and passive-aggression from Rien, so I'm a little fed up. (And her name isn't really Rien, but it sort of is derived from her middle name - it's just a funny coincidence that it translates so well )