Author Topic: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!  (Read 17339 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

oopsie

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 186
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #45 on: March 23, 2013, 10:34:12 AM »
Hi OP. Reading your post makes my blood boil. If it were me, I would not let this go. First I would take the 24 hours that previous posters have suggested to calm down. Then I would call her directly and calmly ask to speak to her about the situation and explain to her the reality of it (she would not have to move right away, it may not even come together, etc.) I would give her the chance to work through her concerns and clear the air. Then, when it is all done, I would address the Facebook post.

I would tell her that it hurts my feelings that she posted what she did. That it came across as passive aggressive and in the future, if there is a problem, I would prefer she address it with me directly (as I have just done for her) rather than airing it on Facebook for all to see. I would also ask her to remove it out of respect.

If she is defensive, belligerent or rude to me during any of this, then I would seriously consider whether her "friendship" is something I want.

Hope it all works out for you. Hugs!!

TaurusGirl

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 151
Hello all!
So I brooded for several days, and realized that I was over-thinking and possibly taking things too personally. Yesterday, I sent Rien the following email:

Hi Rien,

I miss talking with you. The last few times I've messaged, I've gotten the impression you don't want to speak with me. I know you're busy with wedding-related issues and so on, and I'm sorry I'm not closer to help out more.
I will still be in town soon for work, and was hoping we could still get together as planned. Whatever works best for you.

TG


I haven't had a reply yet, which is odd because Rien has her smartphone on her hip at all times. I'm hoping I haven't made things worse...

Surianne

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 10743
    • Prince ShimmerShine Moondream's Blogging Adventure
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #47 on: April 04, 2013, 01:54:59 PM »
I think that was a very kind email, and I'm glad you took that step rather than follow her lead and take it to Facebook.  If she agrees to meet up with you, clearing the air in person will be much easier than through text.  I hope she realizes she's being unfair and doesn't throw away the friendship over this. 

It may take her a few days to think it over and reply, so I wouldn't worry to much that she didn't reply immediately.  If she doesn't reply, at least you know that you tried and you handled it with class.

EllenS

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1368
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #48 on: April 04, 2013, 02:39:01 PM »
Well done, TaurusGirl, on being the bigger person, and extra points for supreme graciousness.

Eeep!

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 802
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #49 on: April 04, 2013, 04:57:21 PM »
I think that was a very very nice way to handle it.
I don't think that there is any way that it could make things worse. If she responds poorly to that text, then things were already bad.

And I would like to agree with those who say they can't believe the ungratefulness exhibited. Did they really think that such an arrangement was going to continue indefinitely? It really chaps my hide. On your behalf, of course.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Redneck Gravy

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2607
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #50 on: April 05, 2013, 10:31:33 AM »
Hi OP. Reading your post makes my blood boil. If it were me, I would not let this go. First I would take the 24 hours that previous posters have suggested to calm down. Then I would call her directly and calmly ask to speak to her about the situation and explain to her the reality of it (she would not have to move right away, it may not even come together, etc.) I would give her the chance to work through her concerns and clear the air. Then, when it is all done, I would address the Facebook post.

I would tell her that it hurts my feelings that she posted what she did. That it came across as passive aggressive and in the future, if there is a problem, I would prefer she address it with me directly (as I have just done for her) rather than airing it on Facebook for all to see. I would also ask her to remove it out of respect.

If she is defensive, belligerent or rude to me during any of this, then I would seriously consider whether her "friendship" is something I want.

Hope it all works out for you. Hugs!!

I like this a lot.  I also think it gives you an insight to how she is going to act in the future.  If she leaps to FB to post every slight and/or if she removes it promptly and/or apologizes for the leap. 

I also agree it is going to help you decide if this is a friendship you want to continue.  There is only so much you can pass off as wedding stress.

LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6447
    • Blog
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #51 on: April 06, 2013, 01:56:29 AM »
I think if she doesn't reply to that text, you can probably assume you're no longer a bridesmaid...

GrammarNerd

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 569
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #52 on: April 06, 2013, 11:05:02 AM »
Frankly, if she's still being this 'sensitive' and won't respond to you, I'd have to wonder what she'd do to my house to get back at me for the perceived slight.  Perhaps not outright damage, but just not taking care of something as well as she could. 

I'd maybe give her a few more days and then get BOTH of them together and lay it out there for them; how this was never a slight against them, and by behaving the way she did with the facebook thing and then ignoring you, you have to wonder now if she never really thought of you as a friend but was just sucking up to you for the free housing.  Because most (rational) people who are supposedly your friends, upon being given potentially 6 months notice that they will have to find a new place, would thank you for letting them live in your house rent-free, NOT have a public hissy fit full of slanderous comments followed by what basically amounts to a cut direct.

(And if sincere, groveling apologies are not forthcoming immediately, I would tell them that you're now going to live up to the reputation that she so publicly attributed to you: please pack your things immediately and be out of the house within 3 days.  It would not be rude, because she is obviously no longer a friend, and you don't let non-friends live your home).

It kind of galls me (on your behalf) that she feels it's okay to treat you like that and ignore you while they are actually LIVING in YOUR home.  So not cool.

BarensMom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2587
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #53 on: April 06, 2013, 11:16:36 AM »
OP, you've tried being "nice" and it's gotten you nowhere.  Inform her on open FB that, since she doesn't appreciate being given a place to live RENT-FREE for how many months/years, they can either start paying market value rent as of 5/1 or move their ungrateful bottoms out.

As the old saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished, and Rien thinks she's embarrassing and punishing you for daring to inconvenience her.  Let her have it with both barrels.

TaurusGirl

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 151
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #54 on: April 06, 2013, 04:01:17 PM »
Hello again!

Well... the p00p has hit the fan. And I am furious.

I spent most of yesterday evening texting with Rien. (Since we are so far apart, face-to-face isn't an option, and we work opposite shifts so speaking on the phone doesn't work out either).

She replied initially by telling me that she was angry and didn't know what to say. Then she followed up with the fact that "the whole house situation is affecting our friendship and I (Rien) feel hurt". I replied that since Mark had mentioned that they were planning on house-hunting, I didn't understand. Then we really got into it.

Rien is now accusing me of having a "master plan" to sabotage her life, by forcing her and Mark to look for a new place to live; because they will be strapped after paying for their wedding, they hadn't really been planning on looking for houses for a while. AND the icing on the cake: that it feels like a giant EFF-YOU that The Hawk & I are "doing this" to her.

I admit, I replied angrily, asking how long we were supposed to finance her life, and how long she would like me to put my dreams on hold, since apparently no one is allowed to have anything happening in their lives while she is planning her wedding. She didn't reply.

Through all this drama, Mark has remained level-headed and calm, communicating with The Hawk regularly about house issues etc. I realize that Rien is in wedding-crisis-mode, and honestly I don't believe that she is thinking straight. That doesn't change the fact that she has not only offended and hurt me, but she has officially made me angry.

So, e-hellions, I am at an impasse.

I am not going to let Rien's wedding (and attitude) make me miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I will TRY not to take her attack personally.

And finally... I'm not sure I want to be her bridesmaid. Which breaks my heart, because Mark is one of my dearest friends, and I had thought Rien was too. :(

Help.

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21353
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #55 on: April 06, 2013, 05:03:30 PM »
Yeah, Rien is not your friend.

I think you and DH need to meet with Mark and Rien.  Review the current situation - they live in a house where they only pay utilities but pay no other rent.  You will be looking for a house and in a few months,if you find one, you will give them the standard notice so they can find somewhere else to live.

Clarify that Rien has expressed anger over the current situation.  Make it clear that she has other options. Those options are:


1) They can start paying rent.  When you need them to move out they will still get the standard notice.
2) You can give them notice a lot more quickly and they can find somewhere to live even sooner - with less time to save.

You are perfectly happy with the current situation but you want them to be happy too, so you encourage them to go home and discuss whether they (Rien) truly want to change the current situation and if so, let you know which option they choose.

Then I would explain that considering the existing tensions you are not comfortable being in the wedding.  DH is willing to step down too, if that solves a need to "balance the numbers". One upside of this is they won't need to spend money on you for flowers, bridesmaid gift (I would stay home from the ehearsal dinner and wedding) so that is money for the house - although I wouldn't point that out.

Luci

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5978
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #56 on: April 06, 2013, 05:06:08 PM »
Handle everything through Hawk and Mark, or just let them do business and friendship as usual. Just skip having anything to do with Rien for a bit.

You tried, got burnt, so just step away for now. And let the bridesmaid thing just hang - you'll hear more when it's time for final fittings or whatever the next step is for your part. If money is the next step, I guess you have no choice.

Hmmmm. Quite different from what Sharnita said, and we usually agree!


Otterpop

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1237
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #57 on: April 06, 2013, 05:56:37 PM »
Wow, Sharnita and Luci45's suggestions both sound reasonable.  I lean more towards having a meeting with the 4 of you because the house, the wedding, and the friendship connection could get REALLY hairy.  Having the BFF spouses there might lesson the tension.

You and Hawk have been more than kind.  A house comes with a mortgage, insurances, taxes and maintenance.  You have been giving it all away FREE to these two.  If a regular renter had taken the house you could have gotten X dollars or at least covered your expenses.  Rental property can be good business (BTW: I property manage and have never been burned by purely business relations, only by FRIENDS ::))

Sometimes when you let a person have something for nothing, they don't value it.  In fact, they feel entitled and begin to act like they are doing you a "favor" by taking care of it for you.  It might be time to calculate the amount of rent they've saved all this time and remind them (or not).  Ultimately it's up to the two of you on how you deal with this, but hitting it head on is probably necessary due to all the entanglements.




Poppea

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2457
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #58 on: April 06, 2013, 07:10:55 PM »
Hello again!

Well... the p00p has hit the fan. And I am furious.

I spent most of yesterday evening texting with Rien. (Since we are so far apart, face-to-face isn't an option, and we work opposite shifts so speaking on the phone doesn't work out either).

She replied initially by telling me that she was angry and didn't know what to say. Then she followed up with the fact that "the whole house situation is affecting our friendship and I (Rien) feel hurt". I replied that since Mark had mentioned that they were planning on house-hunting, I didn't understand. Then we really got into it.

Rien is now accusing me of having a "master plan" to sabotage her life, by forcing her and Mark to look for a new place to live; because they will be strapped after paying for their wedding, they hadn't really been planning on looking for houses for a while. AND the icing on the cake: that it feels like a giant EFF-YOU that The Hawk & I are "doing this" to her.


This is NOT wedding jitters.

This is so very very crazy, that if I were her fiance I would be reconsidering marrying her at all.  You had a "master plan" to ruin her life?  By letting them live rent free for months, but not years? 

Do not participate in this wedding, ask Hawk to step down too.  Give them a date to move out, and after that have the place on the market until it sells.  Stay away from Rein, but keep the lines of communication open with Mark in case he needs help later on when she accuses him of something.

gemma156

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 167
Re: Bridezilla, passive-aggression, and drama! This post has it all!
« Reply #59 on: April 06, 2013, 07:58:35 PM »
Talk about biting the hand that feeds you and cutting off your nose despite your face.  It's coming across to me that Rien  had thoughts of holding a gigantic BBW, as she didn't have as many other financial commitments to worry about ie. Rent cost, insurance etc.. and thought she could splash out bigger to highlight her marriage.

But now that she and Mark have been given notice about your future intentions, that means she can't spend out as big as she wants, as she can no longer justify the all out expense.  So instead of being grateful for the wonderful opportunity you have given them to live a lot cheaper (hopefully using that opportunity to put away more savings),  she is blaming you for ruining her 'dream wedding'.

You made the right decision to pull away, and move on without her in your life.  Don't waste more time on the ungrateful and greedy, don't even waste any more time texting her anymore.  Just move on and remember that sometimes no good deed goes unpunished.