General Etiquette > Dating

Friendship with an ex?

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RavenousEdenFleur:
Hi everyone! If you read my post in "I need a hug" please do not worry, I am not thinking of being friends still with that one... toxicity is abound with him.

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124076.msg2862278#msg2862278

However an old ex from school contacted me recently and we have been chatting,we didn't end on a bad note, just didn't work out, we grew apart but it was a pretty long relationship and I would love to connect but have always felt awkward about friendship with exes. It always felt like  bad idea.

My friend Todd tries to be friends with his ex girlfriends, but then there are still residual feelings at times on their part, and sometimes they reject him and he gets sad because he once cared about them or sometimes they go to dinner and have wine....then he doesn't call them again the morning after. Todd just said he friended his ex Ashley on Facebook.... just to say hi, then he said she barely had anything to say to him, I recall that it ended badly with them. He claims he doesn't like to throw people away, and that I am far too quick to throw people aside, but I think it can be foolish.

Is it wise to set boundaries first and foremost?

marcel:
When I broke up with my ex, we both said that it would be a shame to loose the friendship as well, she said this was a reason she did not want to break up.

We broke up 2 years ago, but we still see eachother regularly (at least once a month) for coffee or we go sailing or canoeing for the day.

For us, it is not awkward, it is good to have a friend you see regularly, and who knows you so well, that you can explain any issues you have in your daily live with, knoiwing that they understand why some things are a problem for you. I am glad I have this friendship and I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Perfect Circle:
It's totally situational. I would say that if you feel there is a need for stong boundaries you are probably not ready for a real friendship with someone you've had a romantic relationship with.

One of my exes is a godfather to my daughter. Some others I have not spoken to since breaking up with them.

WillyNilly:
I think there are too many variables to make any kind of blanket statement - essentially its a case by case basis on whether it will out.

That said, IMO friendships work best when there's been a significant "cooling off" period of no, or virtually no, contact. This way each person has time to move on, heal, and start over (either in new relationships or being happy being alone). And a key to a successful friendship is neither person still longing for the other.

I am friends with some ex's, polite and wish no evil upon but not friends with others, some I wish no evil on but I'm not friends with anyway, and at least one I actively think is a bad person at his core and one I'm kinda embarrassed about and would rather not be friends because I'd feel icky.

that_one_girl:
I think that as long as you remember why you broke up with that ex in the first place and have no desire to have a further romantic relationship, it's fine to be friends.   However, you are nostalgic and want to get back with that ex, then you don't need to be friends.

Of course this is colored by the fact that my husband just told me he wants to have a particular friend of his who he used to date in high school as a "scrabble-buddy"

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