Author Topic: Prom Cling-on**UPDATE #87,#173**  (Read 36120 times)

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joraemi

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Prom Cling-on**UPDATE #87,#173**
« on: March 23, 2013, 10:09:45 AM »
I am posting this question for DD and her BFF.

  DD/BFF are seniors this year and prom is right around the corner.  The norm for our area is that you have a prom "group" so to speak.  This is the group of kids you are going to have dinner with, share the cost of a limo/partybus, hang out with at after prom, etc.  The girls have had their group well established for several weeks already - not everyone has dates, some are just going with "the group".

Issue:  There is another girl (AG from here on out) at school who does not have a date that is trying to insert herself into their group. This would not seem overly problematic, except that the last time she did this (Homecoming), she CLUNG to DD the entire evening. DD does not particuarly care for this person and it kind of ruined her homecoming experience.  AG literally *chased* DD at the Homecoming dance when DD slipped away for a moment. DD has also had issues this year with AG trying to copy her homework instead of doing it herself, not pulling her weight when assigned together in a group, etc.

DD has tried to subtley let on that this girl is not part of the group and that DD will not be hanging out with her.  She doesn't seem to be getting the message. As a side note, the other members of the group are not friends with AG in any way, shape, or form.

Yesterday's convo:

AG: Do you have a date yet?
DD: No.
AG: Perfect! Neither do I, so it'll just be me, you, AG1, and AG2. (AG1 and AG2 are not part of the group either....)
DD:(managed to not have jaw hit floor....) I suppose their will be other people at the dance that don't have dates.  ***makes escape***

DD knows that little snippet didn't do anything to deter AG, but she just doesn't know what to say and she doesn't want to be mean. However, it's Senior prom and she wants to enjoy it! She doesn't want to have to manage this situation at the dance, you know?

 AG lives just 3 houses away from us, but they *never* hang out outside of school.  DD considers this girl an acquaintance at best, but AG seems to think they are BFFs.

When I had nothing constructive to offer in the way of advice I knew exactly where to come!

So please E-hellions, bestow your wisdom upon us.  How can DD make it perfectly clear to AG that she is not part of their group and they will NOT be spending time together at Prom?

(let me know if you need clarification on anything!)
« Last Edit: March 27, 2013, 11:31:16 PM by joraemi »




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LeveeWoman

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2013, 10:16:55 AM »
Is she trying to force herself into the limo?

AmethystAnne

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2013, 10:19:39 AM »
I would have you and your DD go to her BFF's house to catch the limo.

postalslave

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2013, 10:26:11 AM »
Your daughter has to be honest and tell this girl she is not invited. The easiest way would be to apologize for the confusion and explain she is part of a separate group and try to encourage the other girls to be their own group.

I feel bad for AG. I can only imagine how horrible it would feel to think you're part of a prom group only to find out the group ran away and caught the limo somewhere else.
« Last Edit: March 23, 2013, 10:28:51 AM by postalslave »

LeveeWoman

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2013, 10:35:17 AM »
Your daughter has to be honest and tell this girl she is not invited. The easiest way would be to apologize for the confusion and explain she is part of a separate group and try to encourage the other girls to be their own group.

I feel bad for AG. I can only imagine how horrible it would feel to think you're part of a prom group only to find out the group ran away and caught the limo somewhere else.

AG is not part of the group that will be paying for the limo.

*inviteseller

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2013, 10:37:03 AM »
Your daughter has to be honest and tell this girl she is not invited. The easiest way would be to apologize for the confusion and explain she is part of a separate group and try to encourage the other girls to be their own group.

I feel bad for AG. I can only imagine how horrible it would feel to think you're part of a prom group only to find out the group ran away and caught the limo somewhere else.
the girl has deluded herself into thinking she is OP's DD's BFF (that was alot of initials!)  It doesn't sound like anyone has even remotely given this girl the idea she is part of their group. She is just a social leech  and while it is a shame she has these ideas, it is not OP's DD's responsibility to apologize for any confusion that DD did not create, nor be this girls social director.  I know that sounds harsh but any attention DD spends on this girl will only encourage the fantasy that they are besties forever and ever!

The next time AG brings it up to your daughter, your daughter needs to nicely but firmly tell her "no, you are not coming in our limo" .  Hopefully she will not just show up anyways, but if she does, just repeat "you are not coming in our limo". .  Do you know the girls parents to maybe say something to them?  Sometimes, as much as we want to see out kids handle things on their own, we need to step in when it gets to be too much for them.

gramma dishes

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2013, 10:48:13 AM »


Yesterday's convo:

AG: Do you have a date yet?
DD: No.
AG: Perfect! Neither do I, so it'll just be me, you, AG1, and AG2. (AG1 and AG2 are not part of the group either....)
DD:(managed to not have jaw hit floor....) I suppose their will be other people at the dance that don't have dates.  ***makes escape***


There will NOT be room in any limo for that many people anyway.  DD should say "No, actually our arrangements for the limo have already been made and there definitely will not be room for any additional people.  You and AG1 and AG2 and any other AGs who want to be with you need to make your own dinner and other arrangements and rent your own limo."

Sharnita

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2013, 10:52:35 AM »
So it isn't the limo, it is that DD want's her to stay away once they are at prom?  I don't know that she can do that without being so blunt that it borders on mean. She can ask others in the group to share the load and talk to AG, distract her, take turns asking her to dance, get punch, etc.

If they don't see each other very often this should be about the last eventshe has to worry about this girl so going to the extreme of saying "Stay away from us, we don't actually like you" when she has a natural esacpe in the form of graduation and moving on seems a bit OTT.

*inviteseller

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2013, 11:03:45 AM »
Sharnita...I agree that this will be the last big event as they are graduating and she can get away from this girl, but if the girl almost ruined her homecoming experience by attaching herself to DD, she will do the same thing at the prom, which is a once in a lifetime experience.  I think the girl needs to be told, up front, that she is not part of the group.  It can be done nicely but she has to be told in no uncertain terms that they are not prom dates!!! OP's DD should not have to run and hide, nor should her friends have to run interference because this girl is obsessed with this make believe friendship.  Yelling "Get away from me!!" is not recommended, but if this is all that is going through OP's DD's head the whole prom, she will not have any fun.

Sharnita

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2013, 11:11:27 AM »
Sharnita...I agree that this will be the last big event as they are graduating and she can get away from this girl, but if the girl almost ruined her homecoming experience by attaching herself to DD, she will do the same thing at the prom, which is a once in a lifetime experience.  I think the girl needs to be told, up front, that she is not part of the group.  It can be done nicely but she has to be told in no uncertain terms that they are not prom dates!!! OP's DD should not have to run and hide, nor should her friends have to run interference because this girl is obsessed with this make believe friendship.  Yelling "Get away from me!!" is not recommended, but if this is all that is going through OP's DD's head the whole prom, she will not have any fun.

I'm not sure it can be done nicely (or at least gently) and still have her get the point.  And I think knowing that they hurt her feelings deeply culd also almost ruin the event.  I think it is a crummy situation for DD but sometimes the reality is that either way you have choices you aren't going to like, through no fault of your own. This girl is not taking hints, even broad ones.  They could broadside her with the painful truth but she would be hurt and they would be upset because they hurt her which would just result in a bad night all the same.

gramma dishes

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2013, 11:13:55 AM »
Sharnita...I agree that this will be the last big event as they are graduating and she can get away from this girl, but if the girl almost ruined her homecoming experience by attaching herself to DD, she will do the same thing at the prom, which is a once in a lifetime experience.  I think the girl needs to be told, up front, that she is not part of the group.  It can be done nicely but she has to be told in no uncertain terms that they are not prom dates!!! OP's DD should not have to run and hide, nor should her friends have to run interference because this girl is obsessed with this make believe friendship.  Yelling "Get away from me!!" is not recommended, but if this is all that is going through OP's DD's head the whole prom, she will not have any fun.

I agree.   This really is a once in a lifetime experience and DD should be able to actually, you know, ENJOY it!!  And she isn't going to be able to do so if AG is following her around, clinging to her, inserting herself into a group of girls who do not enjoy or appreciate her company.

I think DD should take the girl aside privately and explain as sweetly as possible that her group has already made their plans concerning dinner, the limo and whatever else plans have been made and just tell her that they aren't including any "new" participants in their plans. 

She should suggest that AG get together with AG1 and AG2 and figure out their own plans for the evening, but she should not allow AG to assume that DD and her friends are going to hang out with AG and AG's other friends that night.  Despite her attempts to horn in on DD's group and plans, she does deserve a head's up that it just isn't going to work out the way AG wants!
« Last Edit: March 23, 2013, 11:16:16 AM by gramma dishes »

WillyNilly

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2013, 11:14:29 AM »
Your daughter needs to be frank with this girl.  And that starts with her learning what 'not being mean is'. Your DD thinks its mean to tell this girl "I might not have a date but I do have a plan for prom and its not with you, or AG2 or AG3. Its with Mary, Sarah and Laura. I hope you have fun, and of course I'll see you there, but I'll be hanging out with my friends at prom and don't want you chasing me like you did at Homecoming."

And yeah that won't be an overly nice thing to say to AG. But it is the truth, and ultimately the truth is less mean then a lie. Which what your DD is doing (by omission).

In the long run its a lot less mean then leading AG on. Because right now AG thinks they are friends. And that's a lie. They are acquaintances.  And acquaintances that are going to grow even farther apart soon as college or jobs takes each girl in different directions. It is far kinder to break-up sooner then to string someone along with false hope for longer.

*inviteseller

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2013, 11:24:30 AM »
I don't think this girl's feelings are more important than OP's DDs.  They are not friends (only in AG's mind) have never been and her stalkerish ways almost ruined her homecoming experience.  It has to be nipped in the bud, and if it seems mean to to tell this girl, "look, you need to make your own plans for prom.  I have mine already set with my friends, you need to figure something out with your group for transportation, dinner, and DURING the dance."  If we tell the DD to keep worrying about the AG's feelings, we are just telling her that DD's own feelings aren't as important and she needs to keep the peace.  Time to not be a doormat and stand up to this person. 

gramma dishes

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2013, 11:28:53 AM »
I don't think this girl's feelings are more important than OP's DDs.  They are not friends (only in AG's mind) have never been and her stalkerish ways almost ruined her homecoming experience.  It has to be nipped in the bud, and if it seems mean to to tell this girl, "look, you need to make your own plans for prom.  I have mine already set with my friends, you need to figure something out with your group for transportation, dinner, and DURING the dance."  If we tell the DD to keep worrying about the AG's feelings, we are just telling her that DD's own feelings aren't as important and she needs to keep the peace.  Time to not be a doormat and stand up to this person.

I totally agree.  Being "mean" would be to allow this girl to think she's going to be a part of DD's group and then having them reject her all night long.   AG needs to be told the score, gently yes, but told.

Shoo

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #14 on: March 23, 2013, 11:28:56 AM »
Your daughter needs to be frank with this girl.  And that starts with her learning what 'not being mean is'. Your DD thinks its mean to tell this girl "I might not have a date but I do have a plan for prom and its not with you, or AG2 or AG3. Its with Mary, Sarah and Laura. I hope you have fun, and of course I'll see you there, but I'll be hanging out with my friends at prom and don't want you chasing me like you did at Homecoming."


I think this strikes just the right balance of directness and niceness. 

OP, your daughter needs to have this conversation ASAP.