Prom Cling-on**UPDATE #87,#173**

[Sharnita]

I don't think this girl's feelings are more important than OP's DDs.  They are not friends (only in AG's mind) have never been and her stalkerish ways almost ruined her homecoming experience.  It has to be nipped in the bud, and if it seems mean to to tell this girl, "look, you need to make your own plans for prom.  I have mine already set with my friends, you need to figure something out with your group for transportation, dinner, and DURING the dance."  If we tell the DD to keep worrying about the AG's feelings, we are just telling her that DD's own feelings aren't as important and she needs to keep the peace.  Time to not be a doormat and stand up to this person.

Who said they were?  The problem is that DD is going to feel bad telling this girl not to even come around them during the dance because she isn't a part of the group of friends she thinks she is.  It is all well and good to tell DD not to worry about AG's feelings but I fail to see how she tells somebody something like that without feeling bad herself - which kind of defeats the whole goal of enjoying prom.

[TootsNYC]

Sharnita...I agree that this will be the last big event as they are graduating and she can get away from this girl, but if the girl almost ruined her homecoming experience by attaching herself to DD, she will do the same thing at the prom, which is a once in a lifetime experience.  I think the girl needs to be told, up front, that she is not part of the group.  It can be done nicely but she has to be told in no uncertain terms that they are not prom dates!!! OP's DD should not have to run and hide, nor should her friends have to run interference because this girl is obsessed with this make believe friendship.  Yelling "Get away from me!!" is not recommended, but if this is all that is going through OP's DD's head the whole prom, she will not have any fun.

I'm not sure it can be done nicely (or at least gently) and still have her get the point.  And I think knowing that they hurt her feelings deeply culd also almost ruin the event.  I think it is a crummy situation for DD but sometimes the reality is that either way you have choices you aren't going to like, through no fault of your own. This girl is not taking hints, even broad ones.  They could broadside her with the painful truth but she would be hurt and they would be upset because they hurt her which would just result in a bad night all the same.

I agree that it can't be done *effectively* without hurting this girl's feelings, but it still can be done nicely.
And the OP's DD and her friends need to realize that they do NOT have to worry about not hurting her feelings at all.

They only need to worry about not GRATUITOUSLY hurting her feelings.

So the DD can say, "I'm sorry--I have plans to spend the night with a group of my friends. I can't include you."

She should say it right away. And pleasantly. Without *too* much regret.

Your DD needs to internalize the idea that she is not being rude--that this girl is in error. Sort of like, her zipper's undone or something. That this girl has wrong information and your DD is actually honor-bound to *correct* it.  And that's what she's doing--correcting her, not rejecting her.

It will help if she also internalized the idea that the "party" is not hers alone, and so she is not authorized to include this girl in the party. (even if she is the one who would most object to her being included)

And your DD may need to gear herself up for saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to spend prom with you. I have plans already." (the second time she has to say this, she should add on, "with my friends" (implication being, you're not one of them)

(In fact, your DD *does* have "a date"--all the rest of her friends are "her dates," and so that's what she needs to say. "I have plans.")

Then, to make herself feel stronger (and better about herself), she should remember: Once she does say, "I have plans with my friends, adn I can't include you," this girl should get a clue. If she doesn't, then your DD is now in self-defense mode, and she is entitled to feel a little bit resentful.


(also, the sooner she does it, the better. It's kinder to the girl, for one. And easier on her because she'll have it over with and will have time to fix it so

Meanwhile, you and DD might role play some ways to completely discourage conversations with this girl at all--how to arrange so that your DD's lack of interest in a friendship is clearer.

[WillyNilly]

Sharnita...I agree that this will be the last big event as they are graduating and she can get away from this girl, but if the girl almost ruined her homecoming experience by attaching herself to DD, she will do the same thing at the prom, which is a once in a lifetime experience.  I think the girl needs to be told, up front, that she is not part of the group.  It can be done nicely but she has to be told in no uncertain terms that they are not prom dates!!! OP's DD should not have to run and hide, nor should her friends have to run interference because this girl is obsessed with this make believe friendship.  Yelling "Get away from me!!" is not recommended, but if this is all that is going through OP's DD's head the whole prom, she will not have any fun.

I'm not sure it can be done nicely (or at least gently) and still have her get the point.  And I think knowing that they hurt her feelings deeply culd also almost ruin the event.  I think it is a crummy situation for DD but sometimes the reality is that either way you have choices you aren't going to like, through no fault of your own. This girl is not taking hints, even broad ones.  They could broadside her with the painful truth but she would be hurt and they would be upset because they hurt her which would just result in a bad night all the same.

Being nice =/= not hurting the girls feelings.

The girl's feelings will be hurt. That's going to happen no matter what. either they will be hurt Monday when OP's DD tells her the real deal, or they will be hurt on prom night when DD and her friends get fed up and yell at her, or they will be hurt by September when DD has gone off to college and forgotten this girl. No matter what, her feelings will be hurt. Its probably best for everyone involved to just accept that.

So once that's accepted one has to go forth with 'what is the least cruel way to hurt her feelings'? Letting someone down softly is a great life skill. And its a kindness, not a mean act. Mean is stringing someone long for a lie.


Years ago I was dating a guy. I loved him. I wanted to marry him and live happily ever after. But he didn't feel the same way. He kindly, and gently broke things off. I was very hurt. But after a bit, I respected and appreciated him for it. We remain casual friends, me happily married to someone else and him happily single, and think very highly of him.
Another past boyfriend... well I was honest from the start that I wasn't looking to casually date, my goal was marriage and kids etc. He agreed and led me to believe that was his goal too. But after 2 years it had come about in several conversations he didn't believe in the institution of marriage and felt living together and having kids was the same thing and he never wanted to get married (as in past or present, he'd never liked the idea). We broke up and to this day I think he is a horrible broken person for it. Not because he didn't want to marry (me), but because he wasn't honest about things and strung me along on a lie for 2 years. Last I heard he's stringing along another woman in a several years long engagement with no actual wedding plans made.

Sometimes the truth hurts, even kind truths. Its always better & kinder to hear the truth earlier and go forth a bit bruised but seeing things for what they are and acting on honest realities then to be led on by lies and basing decisions on falsehoods.

[Amara]

What a painful situation. I feel for both the girls. And others have given you some good ways in which it could be done. My only suggestion is that it be done as soon as possible. The longer it goes on the worse it will be for everyone.

[rain]

I like Toot's suggested wording/conversation starter

[JoyinVirginia]

DD finished high school last year.  DD had a friend, nice sweet girl but socially clueless and awkward and often came up with these elaborate plans of what they would do, always making assumptions about what dd would enjoy.  The most blatant example is she planned an after-graduation beach trip using OUR house with OUR CAR being transportation.  Her mother called me to discuss the beach trip, and I told the mom it was not happening, and I had no idea how her daughter came up with all these plans!
Your dd, or you, have to be blunt but not unnecessarily cruel but CLEAR AND DIRECT.  AG, I am going to prom with a group and I will be hanging with this group and our plans are already made. You have to make plans with other friends. And by the way, stop trying to copy my papers.

[SciFiLeslie]

What about others in the established group.  How do they feel about AG?  Is OPs daughter involved in coordinating all the plans?  Should there be a consensus of all in the group?

I do feel bad for the daughter and the AG.  But a limo can only safely seat so many.  I'd say that it is at capacity already.

[joraemi]

Hi Everyone!

OP here.  Thanks for all the suggestions/wording.

The Limo/partybus isn't the issue, I don't think. At Homecoming AG didn't try to insert herslef there, but was literally sitting at a table by the door watching for my DD to arrive and latched on to her from that very moment on.

I do agree that DD is going to have to learn to let people down without being mean - hurt feelings don't always equal someone being mean.  I suppose now is as good a time as any to start getting that lesson under belt.

Do you all recommend that she not say anything until AG brings it up again (which will most likely be at school since they don't see each other any other place)?  Or should she be proactive and approach AG?  I haven't been able to think of a polite way for her to bring it up - everything I have thought of comes across as snarky when I type it out. 

[Sharnita]

It sounds like the issue is actually how to stay aeay/keep her away at prom itself. And  that is trickier necause the nature of prom tends to be that you mix and mingle a bit beyond your group. If people all just kept to "their" group prom would kind of be a dud.

[GrammarNerd]

I would have your DD approach the girl, and say something like: "AG, you mentioned something last week about prom, like we were going to hang together at prom and do all of the prom stuff together.  But...I won't be doing prom stuff with you.  I have my own plans with my own group, and I'll be hanging out with them during the dance.  I'm sorry I didn't tell you then, but we don't really hang out  or do stuff together anyway, so I was just really shocked that you were assuming that I'd be in on all of your plans.  So you and AG2 and AG3 can feel free to make your own plans and you don't have to worry about me."

Maybe role-play a little with your DD, so she feels she can say everything without clamming up or getting nervous. 

[JeseC]

I would have your DD approach the girl, and say something like: "AG, you mentioned something last week about prom, like we were going to hang together at prom and do all of the prom stuff together.  But...I won't be doing prom stuff with you.  I have my own plans with my own group, and I'll be hanging out with them during the dance.  I'm sorry I didn't tell you then, but we don't really hang out  or do stuff together anyway, so I was just really shocked that you were assuming that I'd be in on all of your plans.  So you and AG2 and AG3 can feel free to make your own plans and you don't have to worry about me."

Maybe role-play a little with your DD, so she feels she can say everything without clamming up or getting nervous.

I'd second this.  Maybe have a follow-up of "You know, you really made me uncomfortable at Homecoming.  I don't feel like we're really that close, and I want to spend time with my friends at these events before we all go off to college.  Please don't try to monopolize my time again."

And if it becomes an issue at prom:  "I'm sorry, AG, I want to go talk to other people now.  Please leave me alone."  Then walk away.

[gramma dishes]

I agree that it can't be done *effectively* without hurting this girl's feelings, but it still can be done nicely.
And the OP's DD and her friends need to realize that they do NOT have to worry about not hurting her feelings at all.

They only need to worry about not GRATUITOUSLY hurting her feelings.

So the DD can say, "I'm sorry--I have plans to spend the night with a group of my friends. I can't include you."

She should say it right away. And pleasantly. Without *too* much regret.

Your DD needs to internalize the idea that she is not being rude--that this girl is in error. Sort of like, her zipper's undone or something. That this girl has wrong information and your DD is actually honor-bound to *correct* it.  And that's what she's doing--correcting her, not rejecting her.

It will help if she also internalized the idea that the "party" is not hers alone, and so she is not authorized to include this girl in the party. (even if she is the one who would most object to her being included)

And your DD may need to gear herself up for saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to spend prom with you. I have plans already." (the second time she has to say this, she should add on, "with my friends" (implication being, you're not one of them)

(In fact, your DD *does* have "a date"--all the rest of her friends are "her dates," and so that's what she needs to say. "I have plans.")

Then, to make herself feel stronger (and better about herself), she should remember: Once she does say, "I have plans with my friends, adn I can't include you," this girl should get a clue. If she doesn't, then your DD is now in self-defense mode, and she is entitled to feel a little bit resentful.


(also, the sooner she does it, the better. It's kinder to the girl, for one. And easier on her because she'll have it over with and will have time to fix it so

Meanwhile, you and DD might role play some ways to completely discourage conversations with this girl at all--how to arrange so that your DD's lack of interest in a friendship is clearer.

Toots has given you good starter words. 

I do think it would be better if this were discussed privately before the prom so the girl isn't sitting there all night waiting for your daughter to show up and then glom onto her the second she walks through the door like she did at Homecoming.

[MommyPenguin]

I think if possible it's best to get this done before prom, so that she isn't expecting to hang out with DD at prom and experiencing more disappointment at the night.  It would be *nice* if AG brought it up ahead of time and DD got the chance to tell her that they won't be hanging out without having to bring it up herself, but it might not happen, and I think it's better for the conversation to be sooner than later.

[sweetonsno]

Yikes. Poor girl. Poor DD, too!

I agree that she needs to address this with the prombarnacle before the prom and be ready to lather, rinse, repeat at the dance itself.

Toots and WillyNilly both have some good wording. I think your DD should start with something simple and not too heavy-handed. "I just want to make sure that you don't think I'm going to the prom as part of your group w/OtherGirls. I've already got plans with another group of friends. I'm sure I'll see you there, but I intend to spend most of my time with them."

If Prombarnacle tries to combine groups or suggest that DD leave her group (or something equally unacceptable), DD should pull out the "I'm afraid that won't be possible."

At the prom, I think she should say hello to this girl and have a brief chat, then excuse herself.

[Alpacas]

I think there is also no harm in practicing "Please leave me alone" and "Please stop following me around." with DD should AG ignore all the Clue by fours.