Author Topic: Prom Cling-on**UPDATE #87,#173**  (Read 35375 times)

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Rusty

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #45 on: March 24, 2013, 12:05:12 AM »
I agree your DD is in quite an awkward and somewhat sad situation, sad for the girl concerned, and very awkward for your DD.  My own DD had a somewhat similar situation herself, a girl who was not a friend trying to insert herself into DD's group and limo for her final year formal (prom).   As the limo was leaving from our house I rang the girl concerned's mother and explained that there would not be room for her and the mother got the message that her daughter was trying to join a group she was not normally associated with.  I felt sad for her but what is the point of pretending.

In this case if your DD cannot bring herself to speak to the girl in person, how about sending her a carefully worded email (not text), explaining that your DD's group had made plans for the evening and that as she is not normally a part of their group, she was not to be included and that although DD wished her the best she does not want to be responsible for her for the evening. 

Whatever way it is done it will be harsh, but they will all be moving on and there is no point in spoiling the night for DD and her friends.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #46 on: March 24, 2013, 12:24:28 AM »
Wow, I feel very sad for this girl. But I also completely understand how annoying her behavour must be for your DD and her friends.

I think there's two issues here:

1) AG trying to insert herself into the pre-prom and post-prom plans; and

2) The possibility of AG clinging to your DD at the prom all night long.

Issue 1 is easier to resolve. As others have said, your DD needs to let her know BEFORE prom-day that she isn't part of that group's plans.  I believe it is possible to do this kindly but firmly. Eg "Hey AG, the other day you mentioned something about us going to the prom together. I should have told you at the time, but I've already made arrangements. I'm going with my group of friends. But I'm sure we'll see each other at the actual prom."

If she says "Can I be part of your group? I'm just one more person, etc", your DD should reply with "Plans have already been settled. It's not going to be possible to change them."

(It will also help if the pre-prom celebrations aren't taking place at your house. If another girl is hosting, that lets your DD off the hook somewhat.)

Issue 2 is tougher, since - as PPs have stated - people are expected to mingle somewhat at the prom. As such, I don't think your DD (and her group) can really demand that AG keep her distance all night. I remember at my school ball, most of our time was spent in a loose circle on the dance floor, bopping to the music. There actually wasn't "that" much conversation happening. If your DD's dance is the same, I think it would be a kindness to let AG join their "dance circle".

That said, if AG latches onto your DD and follows her around all night, that's a different story. Your DD shouldn't have to put up with that. I've found that a good approach is to say "Hey, why don't we go and talk to Ted and Alice?" Then after a few moments conversation, DD can move onto a different group, leaving AG to chat with Ted and Alice.

Of course, there's the chance that AG will leave Ted and Alice, and run after DD. In which case, I think DD can be more blunt, and say "Hey AG, you don't have to follow me around all night."

doodlemor

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #47 on: March 24, 2013, 12:36:39 AM »
I think that all of the PP have offered some very good suggestions for OP's daughter to deal with AG in this sad situation.  It sounds like AG is rather socially immature for her age, but that is not unusual.

I agree with the PP who stated that AG may have a crush on OP's daughter.  If so, that makes the situation a little more complicated.

The only thing I have to add concerns the issue of the homework copying and the lazy group effort by AG.  Perhaps if DD gets firm to the point of crankiness about that, maybe AG will get offended and not care so much for DD and not want to hang with her any more. 

Maybe DD can think of some polite but firm ways to make herself unlikable to this person.


kudeebee

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #48 on: March 24, 2013, 12:40:28 AM »
Weighing in here as a high school teacher more than a mom.  Some kids just do not get it, do not take or understand subtle hints or actions from others, or just don't care and want what they want.  With this type of kid, you have got to be blunt.

DD is going to have to be blunt with AG if she wants to get her point across.  AG has shown in the past in many ways that she doesn't get subtle hints for whatever reason--she doesn't understand them or she chooses not to.

Your DD missed her chance in the first conversation OP posted about.  DD should have answered "AG, I will not be hanging around with you at prom.  I have made plans with a group already.  You will need to make your own plans."

I would suggest saying the above or something similar when AG mentions it again, because she will.  This reply is not rude, but to the point.  DD needs to keep repeating it over and over.  If AG says "well, I will just meet you at the prom.", DD again needs to be blunt--"AG, I am sure I will see you there, but I will be busy with my group.  You need to make plans with others."

I would also suggest that if she has problems with AG at prom, she may have to be even more blunt "AG, leave me alone.  Don't follow me around anymore."

She should not worry about hurting AG's feelings if she says the above (or similar phrases).  She has done everything she can and then it is AG who is intruding on her and her friends and affecting DD's enjoyment of the event.  DD should not have to be looking over her shoulder all the time wondering when/where AG will show up.

snowdragon

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #49 on: March 24, 2013, 12:51:29 AM »
At this point, I think DD needs to stop worrying about AG's feelings and tell her "AG you and I are not friends. Please leave me alone, do not try and insinuate yourself into my plans and group again." and then give her the cut direct. Just because you live near someone that gives you no license to interfere with their enjoyment of social events. 
  AG needs guidance; perhaps it's time for the adults to get involved.

TootsNYC

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #50 on: March 24, 2013, 01:50:14 AM »
Next time Ag approachers your dd about the  prom, your dd needs to state firmly, "AG, I am sorry, but I already have previous plans with some other friends as far as dinner and getting to the prom, but I am sure I will see you there".   If AG persists and asks to be included, "I'm sorry AG.  Everything has already been paid for and decided.  Again, I am sure I will see you at the prom sometime during the evening".

Agh, no! That's exactly what happened at Homecoming, and DD was very unhappy!

I vote for "I won't have much time to spend with you" or something.

peaches

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #51 on: March 24, 2013, 03:10:24 AM »
Next time Ag approachers your dd about the  prom, your dd needs to state firmly, "AG, I am sorry, but I already have previous plans with some other friends as far as dinner and getting to the prom, but I am sure I will see you there".   If AG persists and asks to be included, "I'm sorry AG.  Everything has already been paid for and decided.  Again, I am sure I will see you at the prom sometime during the evening".

Agh, no! That's exactly what happened at Homecoming, and DD was very unhappy!

I vote for "I won't have much time to spend with you" or something.

I like this, although I'd leave out the word "much".

I also agree with Kudabee's approach, because it puts the emphasis on OP's daughter having plans already, and being with a group, while AG will be with her own group. Using the word "group" is better than "friends"; you don't want to imply that AG is unworthy of friendship.They just will be in different groups that night.

I do hope a conversation can take place soon, so that any hurt feelings have some time to heal before the big event, AG can put together Plan B, and hopefully, everyone will have a great time.

A difficult situation for both girls. I'm so glad I'm not in high school anymore.

GSNW

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #52 on: March 24, 2013, 05:46:40 AM »
I agree 100% with Kudabee's advice.  I do feel for AG, as it seems everyone does, bu it IS ride for AG to intrude and it's not rude for DD and her friends to resent the issue it has caused.  AG will have to learn at some point that she cannot force her company on others. 

If AG is a clingster at prom, DD can also bean dip in a way that makes it clear sh does not wish to socialize.  "Wow AG, those shoes are to die for.  I'm going to talk to Mary now.  See you in social studies, goodbye." 

My roommate my freshman year of college was freaky clingy.  Making clear I didn't want her to join me on my way out the door was the only way to stop her from following me everywhere.  Even to the showers.

Steve

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #53 on: March 24, 2013, 07:27:05 AM »
This is a difficult issue for teenagers to deal with. Isn't it possible to discuss it with AG's mother beforehand? I agree that kids should handle their own issues as much as possible, but the possiblities for AG's feelings to be hurt are abundant. It might help if her mother was aware so that AG can also salvage as much of her prom experience as possible.



TootsNYC

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #54 on: March 24, 2013, 09:31:42 AM »
I just want to re-emphasize that the OP's DD should start creating distance between them now, start sending the message "you aren't really my friend" at school, in the cafeteria, by objecting strongly to the copying of schoolwork, etc.


SPuck

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #55 on: March 24, 2013, 09:56:28 AM »
Isn't it possible to discuss it with AG's mother beforehand?

I think the OP should only consider doing that after DD gives AG a solid "leave me alone" and see what happens. At this point it is still just between the two of them, and only annoying at the moment.

I'm curious about the homework copying aspect though. Was it just AG sitting near DD and trying to copy or her actively asking?

wonderfullyanonymous

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #56 on: March 24, 2013, 10:11:03 AM »
As an outsider kid, with not many friends, while I would never have been bold enough to do what AG is doing, I think the best thing for DD to say would be this...

"I'm really sorry AG, but I won't be available to be with you at the prom. I've already made plans with my friends. You will have to spend time with your friends on that night."

Will it hurt her feelings? Probably, but that will have to be a consequence of AG's own actions. Also, make sure your daughter knows that she should let a chaperone know if AG is still being stalkerish towards her at the prom.

If said chaperone says something along the lines of "it won't hurt you to let her hang on you for the night" have her have some responses ready to make chaperone know she's serious about being relieved of AG's presence.  Something along the lines of "If I said "that boy" was giving me the creeps, would your reply be the same? I need you to talk to AG and direct her to leave me alone."

doodlemor

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #57 on: March 24, 2013, 08:38:45 PM »
...... Also, make sure your daughter knows that she should let a chaperone know if AG is still being stalkerish towards her at the prom.

If said chaperone says something along the lines of "it won't hurt you to let her hang on you for the night" have her have some responses ready to make chaperone know she's serious about being relieved of AG's presence.  Something along the lines of "If I said "that boy" was giving me the creeps, would your reply be the same? I need you to talk to AG and direct her to leave me alone."

The more I think about this, the more it seems to me that AG may have a crush on DD.  Her behavior at the homecoming dance certainly sounds like a "teenager in love."   [Now that old song is going through my head.]......  Would you be comfortable contacting the chaperons surreptitiously yourself, OP,  if the situation before the prom doesn't change?

I also thoroughly agree with Toots.

I just want to re-emphasize that the OP's DD should start creating distance between them now, start sending the message "you aren't really my friend" at school, in the cafeteria, by objecting strongly to the copying of schoolwork, etc.



I think that DD should do everything she can to be stand offish and make herself unappealing to this girl.  Maybe AG will turn her attentions to someone who appreciates her.

gramma dishes

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #58 on: March 24, 2013, 08:57:53 PM »
I think we need to be careful not to jump to unwarranted conclusions here.  Yes, it is certainly possible that AG does have a crush on the OP's daughter, but there are other more likely (I think) explanations.

AG clearly has trouble making friends.  DD has continuously been "nice" to AG, not because she necessarily really LIKES AG, but because DD is just simply a nice, sweet girl who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  AG may believe that because DD is nice to her that means she likes and accepts her and she sees DD as the only person she feels 'safe' around -- who won't just outright and openly reject her. 

I think we can all see why AG likes DD so much and so desperately wants to be her friend, but that doesn't mean AG sees DD romantically.

Of course I may be misinterpreting what everyone else means by the word "crush" too.   :-\
« Last Edit: March 24, 2013, 09:59:52 PM by gramma dishes »

peaches

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #59 on: March 24, 2013, 09:50:50 PM »
I agree, gramma dishes.

To me, AG is a young person who hasn't learned appropriate boundaries. It would be good if someone (school counselor, for example) could explain to her that by rushing over boundaries, she is pushing people away, rather than drawing people to her. She'll have better success in making friends if she gives people appropriate space, and doesn't jump to conclusions about whether they want to be close to her.

Slow and steady is a better way to become friends. Make an approach (or invitation or conversation) and after that, wait for the other person to make the next move, if they want to. If they don't, then move on. There are plenty of fish in the ocean.

The OP's daughter has every right to defend her boundaries. It's awkward that this is coming to a head during prom season. But DD hopefully can politely deflect the unwanted attention.