Author Topic: Prom Cling-on**UPDATE #87,#173**  (Read 33410 times)

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LifeOnPluto

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #60 on: March 24, 2013, 10:20:24 PM »
I agree with gramma dishes and peaches. I don't get any "crush" vibes from this situation. Instead, it sounds like AG is socially inept, and can't (or won't) pick up on social cues.

I do feel for this girl. Often, social ineptness is a vicious cycle. A great way to learn social skills is to have a group of friends who you can interact with. But because the Socially Awkward Person is, well... socially awkward, no one wants to be their friend. So the social ineptness gets perpetuated and the person never learns.

Telling AG to "hang out with her own group" at the prom isn't really the answer (IMO) because it seems AG doesn't have a group of her own. Which is why I stand by my point that - although the OP's DD is by no means obliged to put up with AG clinging to her all night - her group would be doing a kindness by letting AG dance with them, maybe even making small talk with her, etc.

Possum

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #61 on: March 25, 2013, 12:32:03 AM »
"I'm so sorry, AG, but we've already got our prom group established, and our plans are set.  But it sounds like you and AG1 and AG2 have a great start on a group, you guys should start making plans--you can do prom your own way that way!"

It's hard to be in either position.  There's kindness and cuts no matter what they do, but DD's feelings and experience are important, too.  It'll be a good experience in politely and subtly--but firmly--standing her ground, and for AG, it'll be an experience in making her own way, socially.

Nikko-chan

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #62 on: March 25, 2013, 12:42:41 AM »
"I'm so sorry, AG, but we've already got our prom group established, and our plans are set.  But it sounds like you and AG1 and AG2 have a great start on a group, you guys should start making plans--you can do prom your own way that way!"

It's hard to be in either position.  There's kindness and cuts no matter what they do, but DD's feelings and experience are important, too.  It'll be a good experience in politely and subtly--but firmly--standing her ground, and for AG, it'll be an experience in making her own way, socially.

I believe AG1 and AG2 are actually part of Joraemi's DD's group, and AG actually has no one to go with.

Possum

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #63 on: March 25, 2013, 12:56:01 AM »
"I'm so sorry, AG, but we've already got our prom group established, and our plans are set.  But it sounds like you and AG1 and AG2 have a great start on a group, you guys should start making plans--you can do prom your own way that way!"

It's hard to be in either position.  There's kindness and cuts no matter what they do, but DD's feelings and experience are important, too.  It'll be a good experience in politely and subtly--but firmly--standing her ground, and for AG, it'll be an experience in making her own way, socially.

I believe AG1 and AG2 are actually part of Joraemi's DD's group, and AG actually has no one to go with.
Oops, I missed that.

If AG1 and AG2 *want* this girl to come, DD may not have much say.  If not, then the comment about "already established, plans are set" could still be useful.

SingActDance

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #64 on: March 25, 2013, 01:22:58 AM »
I think your DD and her friends need to be prepared to run a little interference at the prom. If AG tries to monopolize her time or follow her around, have a friend ready to swoop in and steal her away for a dance/food/super-important private conversation. The whole group should be aware that post-prom plans should not be discussed in front of AG. And if she tries to leave with them, someone should politely say, "Sorry, we've got something set up and there's no room in the limo. See you at school Monday!"

If your DD feels the need to clarify things before the prom, she should feel free, but know that there is almost no way to say "I don't want to hang out with you" that will not hurt this girl's feelings. Most of us have had to endure a party with someone we found tedious or annoying. (I have a few acquaintances in my social circle that I can only take in very small doses.) We skirt around them, beandip, deal with them for a few minutes, and find a reason to excuse ourselves. I guess I don't see this as much different.
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SPuck

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #65 on: March 25, 2013, 08:09:33 AM »
If your DD feels the need to clarify things before the prom, she should feel free, but know that there is almost no way to say "I don't want to hang out with you" that will not hurt this girl's feelings. Most of us have had to endure a party with someone we found tedious or annoying. (I have a few acquaintances in my social circle that I can only take in very small doses.) We skirt around them, beandip, deal with them for a few minutes, and find a reason to excuse ourselves. I guess I don't see this as much different.

That only works with people who aren't obsessive or monopolize another individuals time. We have a family friend who is a loud mouth who can't shut up about his religion and politics. I wouldn't think of asking my own family to stop inviting him because he never corners anyone. That would change if he did.

If AG were a guy posters would most likely be telling the OP to go to the school administration. I think, depending on how the home work copying situation worked, she should have.

Still there is a little room left just to keep this situation between AG and DD. That means no playing games (asking DD's friends to reeks of that) and no weasel words. DD needs to be blunt with AG. Ag she might be hurt, but that is because of her own actions and lack of social graces.

MrsVandy

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #66 on: March 25, 2013, 11:13:25 AM »
I think in this situation your DD may need to be the bad guy.

 I had a similar situation in school where one girl clinged to me and tried to force herself in to my friend group. My firends didn't really didn't like her and while I had started out liking her, I eventually got annoyed.

 I finally got blunt and I told her "Clingy, I'm not sure if your aware of how much you monopolize my time. Every time were at a dance or event I feel like you expect me to entertain you. I really need some space right now I want to do my own thing."  Yes Clingy was sad, but I wasn't rude and I wasn't mean. I stuck to the facts. My friends just told her when asked that they had already made plans with me, and sorry they couldn't accommodate her. She eventually found her own friends. I wish I had of said something much sooner then I did, because in the end everyone was much happier for it.

I honestly think this girl doesn't realize that your DD isn't having fun. Your DD needs to tell AG next time prom comes up something how she doesn't want this to be like homecoming. Yes AG's feeling will be hurt, but sometimes boundary tramplers feelings will get hurt when they are called on it.




Firecat

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #67 on: March 25, 2013, 01:51:01 PM »
"I'm so sorry, AG, but we've already got our prom group established, and our plans are set.  But it sounds like you and AG1 and AG2 have a great start on a group, you guys should start making plans--you can do prom your own way that way!"

It's hard to be in either position.  There's kindness and cuts no matter what they do, but DD's feelings and experience are important, too.  It'll be a good experience in politely and subtly--but firmly--standing her ground, and for AG, it'll be an experience in making her own way, socially.

I believe AG1 and AG2 are actually part of Joraemi's DD's group, and AG actually has no one to go with.

Actually, I just rechecked the OP, and it says that AG1 and AG2 aren't part of the DD's prom plans group, either. So it seems reasonable for the DD to suggest that AG form her own group with the other two.

I really feel for the OP's DD...actually, I feel for both DD and AG. Having been one of the "rejects" in high school (although I was, fortunately for me, one of those kids who functioned pretty well on my own), I know it hurts to be told that someone you consider a friend doesn't want to be friends with you, or at least not close friends.

And yet, on the other hand, I've been on the DD's side of this situation a few times as an adult. And it's not easy to tell someone to back off a bit, either, when there's nothing really "wrong" with them as a person except that they're bit clingier than I'm comfortable with, or even just someone I don't like as much as they seem to like me. I know there's nothing wrong with enforcing my boundaries and making decisions about who is my friend and who is an acquaintance, but it still feels a bit mean to have to tell someone that I really don't want to pursue a friendship further.

So I think this is an excellent time for the DD to learn that it's ok to have boundaries and to make those decisions, and how to do so politely, effectively, and as kindly as possible. And in this case, it may not be as possible to be as kind as the DD would like to be, because I don't think AG is going to "get it" unless DD is quite blunt and firm. In the end, I don't know if it matters whether AG has a crush on DD, or whether she is just socially clueless and trying, ineffectively, to be friends, because I think the DD's actions need to be essentially the same, regardless of what is "driving" AG's behavior.

OP, I think your DD needs to tell this girl (preferably privately, and very soon), "AG, you seem to have gotten the impression that you'll be going to prom with the group I've decided to join. I need to tell you that it won't be possible. We've already made plans, and it's not possible to include anyone else. Why don't you see if AG1 and AG2 have plans yet?" And then if AG tries to cling to DD at the prom, DD should take her aside and tell her, "AG, I am spending time with X, Y, and Z tonight. You need to go spend time with other people now." Or something similar.

DD should be prepared that she may need to get more blunt than that, possibly escalating on up to "AG, I do not want to spend time with you. Leave me alone." Hopefully it won't have to go that far.

WillyNilly

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #68 on: March 25, 2013, 01:54:47 PM »
"I'm so sorry, AG, but we've already got our prom group established, and our plans are set.  But it sounds like you and AG1 and AG2 have a great start on a group, you guys should start making plans--you can do prom your own way that way!"

It's hard to be in either position.  There's kindness and cuts no matter what they do, but DD's feelings and experience are important, too.  It'll be a good experience in politely and subtly--but firmly--standing her ground, and for AG, it'll be an experience in making her own way, socially.

I believe AG1 and AG2 are actually part of Joraemi's DD's group, and AG actually has no one to go with.

Actually, I just rechecked the OP, and it says that AG1 and AG2 aren't part of the DD's prom plans group, either. So it seems reasonable for the DD to suggest that AG form her own group with the other two...

Post #33, from the OP:
...Anyway - I got some additional info from DD today that is NOT going to make it any easier.  When I was sharing your advice with her and I asked again who AG's other friends were that she planned to hang out with and DD said, "MOM - this is exactly the problem I've been trying to explain to you.  They aren't her friends.  They're part of our group! She's just sticking herself in with us and assuming she can hang out with us.  No one wants to do this!". Ultimately though, DD is the one that AG clings to.  :-\

I think in DD's mind part of the problem is that if AG doesn't hang out with them, DD doesn't know who (if anyone) AG will have to hang out with, and as a nice girl/people pleaser, DD is having a hard time with this. She really does not enjoy this girl's company, but feels sorry for her all at the same time...

Firecat

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #69 on: March 25, 2013, 02:03:45 PM »
"I'm so sorry, AG, but we've already got our prom group established, and our plans are set.  But it sounds like you and AG1 and AG2 have a great start on a group, you guys should start making plans--you can do prom your own way that way!"

It's hard to be in either position.  There's kindness and cuts no matter what they do, but DD's feelings and experience are important, too.  It'll be a good experience in politely and subtly--but firmly--standing her ground, and for AG, it'll be an experience in making her own way, socially.

I believe AG1 and AG2 are actually part of Joraemi's DD's group, and AG actually has no one to go with.

Actually, I just rechecked the OP, and it says that AG1 and AG2 aren't part of the DD's prom plans group, either. So it seems reasonable for the DD to suggest that AG form her own group with the other two...

Post #33, from the OP:
...Anyway - I got some additional info from DD today that is NOT going to make it any easier.  When I was sharing your advice with her and I asked again who AG's other friends were that she planned to hang out with and DD said, "MOM - this is exactly the problem I've been trying to explain to you.  They aren't her friends.  They're part of our group! She's just sticking herself in with us and assuming she can hang out with us.  No one wants to do this!". Ultimately though, DD is the one that AG clings to.  :-\

I think in DD's mind part of the problem is that if AG doesn't hang out with them, DD doesn't know who (if anyone) AG will have to hang out with, and as a nice girl/people pleaser, DD is having a hard time with this. She really does not enjoy this girl's company, but feels sorry for her all at the same time...

Ah, missed that update, thank you!

That does make it more difficult...it would feel a bit like "taking" AG's only "friends" away and telling AG she's not welcome. Even if that's not really the case (I assume that AG1 and AG2 are capable of making their own decisions on who's a friend and who is not), it would still feel like that.

I think it would be a kindness for AG1 and AG2 to maybe spend some time with AG at the prom - but only if they're willing to do so. But I still think DD needs to explain to AG that she is not invited to share the group's plans, and be prepared to tell AG to back off (pretty much in so many words) if AG gets clingy.

Gail

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #70 on: March 25, 2013, 02:24:48 PM »
I'm sorry to say this, but be prepared for AG's mom to enter the scene. I'm talking about my own experience, of course, and probably AG case is not that bad. You know best if AG's mom would be able to help with the problem or not.

In my case, Clingy's parents were planning to visit my parents to ask them "why I didn't want to be her friend". It took a screaming argument in public for her to tell her parents not to bother. We were 24 years old.
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RebeccainGA

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #71 on: March 25, 2013, 02:49:10 PM »
I agree that this is a tough situation - I was also very socially awkward in school, and was lucky to have a crowd of other 'misfits' that got along well with me. We did have an AG, though - she decided she was the date of the one otherwise unaccompanied male in the group (there were three unaccompanied girls in the group too, but she insisted she was his date, despite having barely spoken to him all year, and he was just enough of a pushover to allow it). She made things very awkward the entire time - our prom was more of a team sport than some of the ones people are describing, and we spent the whole night together, just incidentally being in the same room as the rest of our class.

I am parking my POD on the idea that your DD may need to go to administration, or at least feel comfortable telling the chaperones at the event that they need to handle the situation. No one has the right to make your child feel that uncomfortable - it's stalking, even if there's no romantic portion to it. Seen Single White Female??? Same idea, if not as extreme. Talk to AG's parents if you can, but tell DD that it's OK to tell the chaperones she is feeling like she's being stalked.

Good luck to you all - these things get so fraught with emotion when you're in your teens - and the stakes always seem higher when it's the "once in a lifetime" event on top of that.

MrTango

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #72 on: March 25, 2013, 02:57:08 PM »
I'm sorry to say this, but be prepared for AG's mom to enter the scene. I'm talking about my own experience, of course, and probably AG case is not that bad. You know best if AG's mom would be able to help with the problem or not.

In my case, Clingy's parents were planning to visit my parents to ask them "why I didn't want to be her friend". It took a screaming argument in public for her to tell her parents not to bother. We were 24 years old.

Did Clingy's parents actually think that they could get your parents to force you to be their child's friend?  If they feel that parents should be exercising that sort of control over their children's social life, then it's little wonder the child is socially awkward.

Kari

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #73 on: March 25, 2013, 03:09:14 PM »
I don't think that the school administration needs to get involved, unless the clingy girl gets all "Single White Female" on the OP's daughter.  It's an unpleasant task, but the daughter needs to break it to the clingy girl firmly but gently that she's not part of the group. I don't think Clingy is a bad person, based on what's happened so far; just socially clueless.

I saw a similar situation in college: One girl decided she was BFFs with another girl, who was not of the same opinion. It wasn't until the clingy one showed her "bestie" a collage dedicated to their friendship in her locker that the "BFF" completely shut her out of her life. The clingy girl was devastated, but eventually learned to make new friends and read signals better. She was homeschooled all her life prior to college, and had a very clingy mother, so perhaps she wasn't properly socialized with others.

Whatever the case of the OP's Clingy, that girl's feelings are undoubtedly going to get hurt unless the DD goes along with the "best friends for life" fantasy she created. So, while there's no way to avoid bad feelings, the daughter can let Clingy know that she's not included in the group with grace and tact. The OP's DD sounds like a good character, so unfortunately guilty feelings are most likely inevitable. It's going to be unpleasant, but it really needs to be done, and eventually everyone will move on.

TootsNYC

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Re: Prom Cling-on
« Reply #74 on: March 25, 2013, 03:29:19 PM »
I just wanted to say, "having a crush on someone" isn't necessarily sexual or even romantic. There is such a thing as a "friends crush," in my opinion.

So AG could have a crush on the OP's daughter and still be quite heterosexual.