Prom Cling-on**UPDATE #87,#173**

[Sharnita]

I agree that she doesn't sound stalker-ish. In fact, it kind of sounds oppotunistic. She call for answers to homework or she hangs around at school dances, possibly the ones her normal social group don't/can't attend. However, even though she lives close by she apparently isn't making a big push to become close friends at other times. It sounds more like she mostly thinks of DD as reliably kind in school social events and us.eful academically. And no, if a guy was acting that way I would not see cause for alarm. Annoyance maybe but not alarm.

[*inviteseller]

The AG is a sad case, but again, why should it be DD's and her friends problem to include her in their night, other than to say hi and maybe chat?  It is their night at the prom, they are, I'm sure, paying a lot of money to have the night they want and they should not have to play nice and include into their plans the AG if they are not friends with her.  The only person responsible for AG's fun at the prom is AG...she needs to make her own plans and find her own group to be with instead of insinuating herself where she is obviously not welcome.  To me, it is rude for the DD to ask her own group of friends to make room for someone they don't hang around with, not want to just because the AG has decided her and DD are besties, and it does a great disservice to AG to have DD to give up what she wants to make sure AG is included, thus giving AG the false sense that there is a friendship.  You can be nice to all your classmates, you can say hi and chat a minute, but you do not have to be friends with them and make sure that everyone is having fun at the expense of your own fun.

[Sharnita]

Saying "hi" and chatting is the most anybody has suggested they do. OP has indicated there is not much concern about her trying to join pre-prom/limo festivities so that is a non issue. The after dance event is sponsored by the school and is for all attendees apparently so AG can't ask what their plans are - apparently everyone's plans are the same, including hers.

[joraemi]

Dinner is *at* prom.  The limo ride is just to get there.

DD would not have issue with visiting with AG for a bit here and there.  However, AG completely monopolized DD at Homecoming.  Even when DD tried to slip away to spend time with someone else, AG literally *chased* her (as in - running!).

DD wants it to be clear that this girl is not part of their group - they won't tell her where/when they are getting the limo - but if she thinks she is part of the group, she won't make other arrangements, kwim? They absolutely do not want to continue to let her assume that she will be included in their plans/seating arrangements at dinner/group at afterprom, etc.

DD is hoping that the convo I mentioned above will be enough to get AG thinking that DD might actually be serious about not letting her tag along everywhere she goes at prom.  The group is by no means "circling the wagons" - for the members that have dates this is merely a blip on the radar - "Oh - no - AG isn't in our group" - it's the girls that are going without dates (AG1, AG2, DD, BFF) that are trying to prevent a rerun of Homecoming for my DD and themselves since they have been named by AG as the people she is spending time with.

It's kind of sad - last night DD said, "I wish I wasn't so nice.  Then these things wouldn't happen to me." (she IS that typical nice girl - nice to everyone, smart, pretty, etc, etc).  I, of course, said she should absolutely be nice!  But that nice doesn't equal doormat or being taken advantage of.  I told her you can be nice and still be firm with people.

In regards to the stalker/crush thing - I don't think it's an issue - I think AG is just completely socially clueless and a bit odd. Unfortunately, DD has already had issues with another student with stalker-ish behaviors, the police have been involved, etc, so we are pretty aware of stuff like that.

[GrammarNerd]

This has been floating around in my mind, and I just wanted to throw this out there:

OP, could your DD write AG some sort of a note about this, since she feels so uncomfortable about bringing it up directly?

"AG, last week you mentioned something about Prom and how you were going to hang out with me. I didn't know how to respond at the time, but I feel I have to let you know:  I hope you have a great time at prom, but I will not be hanging out with you there.  I already have my own plans with my group of friends, and those plans are set and nobody else can be added.  I know at Homecoming, you met me at the door and sort of assumed that you were 'with' me, and you kind of stuck to my side all night and wouldn't let me out of your sight.  It got kind of uncomfortable for me (and it took some of the fun out of the evening).  I hope you find an awesome dress and have a good time with whoever you go with, but I just wanted to let you know that you shouldn't expect to hang around with me all night at Prom."

Yes, I realize the potential perils of writing this down.  But if done correctly (mailed to her house so she doesn't have to process it at school?), I think this might be a good way for your DD to get the point across but avoid a face to face confrontation. 

[gen xer]

They don't have to let AG steamroll their entire night - that would be allowing AG's rude and annoying behaviour to prevail at their expense.  They do, however, need to be nice.....and part of being nice is not treating AG as though they are seeing a cockroach approaching and they need to stomp on it quick before it crawls over someone's foot.  In other words....treat her as you would treat anyone else at the prom ( everyone is there to mingle aren't they? ) and deal with the problem if it arises - not going into defensive mode the instant she comes over.

OP's DD seems like although she does not particularly care for this girl she is at least concerned about being polite since she is asking for help dealing with this beforehand.  That is a smart thing to do.  It doesn't sound as though anyone wants to be deliberately cruel.

[Sharnita]

On the flip side, if most kids were as nice as DD maybe AG would have a variety of people she felt comfortable with and she wouldn't need to attach herself to just a few.

[gramma dishes]

***UPDATE***

...    Last night we were discussing it again and I verified that as a unit, her group does not want AG to come with them.  I asked why then, is it falling to DD to be the one to tell her?  I pointed out that we are neighbors with AG, and that we need to keep neighborly relationships in mind.  ...

I was wondering this too.  Since none of the girls in DD's group want to spend time with this girl, why is DD the one being left to handle it all by herself?  She is, as you point out, the one who has the most to lose (because AG is a neighbor and wants/needs to stay on generally good terms with the family) and she has no more to gain than the rest of the girls in her group.  It's time for some of the other girls to step up to the plate and help handle this.

[joraemi]

They don't have to let AG steamroll their entire night - that would be allowing AG's rude and annoying behaviour to prevail at their expense.  They do, however, need to be nice.....and part of being nice is not treating AG as though they are seeing a cockroach approaching and they need to stomp on it quick before it crawls over someone's foot.  In other words....treat her as you would treat anyone else at the prom ( everyone is there to mingle aren't they? ) and deal with the problem if it arises - not going into defensive mode the instant she comes over.

OP's DD seems like although she does not particularly care for this girl she is at least concerned about being polite since she is asking for help dealing with this beforehand.  That is a smart thing to do.  It doesn't sound as though anyone wants to be deliberately cruel.

Oh absolutely not!!  On the whole, they feel sorry for AG, but at least understand that she isn't "theirs" to fix or manage, you know? They are just having a hard time communicating this to AG - they are a really nice bunch of girls and if she hadn't been so OTT with DD at Homecoming would probably just kind of take turns with her on Prom night so to speak - not the ideal solution, but then they wouldn't have to hurt her feelings, you know? Homecoming was just....bad.

[gen xer]

Dinner is *at* prom.  The limo ride is just to get there.

DD would not have issue with visiting with AG for a bit here and there.  However, AG completely monopolized DD at Homecoming.  Even when DD tried to slip away to spend time with someone else, AG literally *chased* her (as in - running!).

DD wants it to be clear that this girl is not part of their group - they won't tell her where/when they are getting the limo - but if she thinks she is part of the group, she won't make other arrangements, kwim? They absolutely do not want to continue to let her assume that she will be included in their plans/seating arrangements at dinner/group at afterprom, etc.

DD is hoping that the convo I mentioned above will be enough to get AG thinking that DD might actually be serious about not letting her tag along everywhere she goes at prom.  The group is by no means "circling the wagons" - for the members that have dates this is merely a blip on the radar - "Oh - no - AG isn't in our group" - it's the girls that are going without dates (AG1, AG2, DD, BFF) that are trying to prevent a rerun of Homecoming for my DD and themselves since they have been named by AG as the people she is spending time with.

It's kind of sad - last night DD said, "I wish I wasn't so nice.  Then these things wouldn't happen to me." (she IS that typical nice girl - nice to everyone, smart, pretty, etc, etc).  I, of course, said she should absolutely be nice!  But that nice doesn't equal doormat or being taken advantage of.  I told her you can be nice and still be firm with people.

In regards to the stalker/crush thing - I don't think it's an issue - I think AG is just completely socially clueless and a bit odd. Unfortunately, DD has already had issues with another student with stalker-ish behaviors, the police have been involved, etc, so we are pretty aware of stuff like that.

DD has absolutely no obligation to AG if AG is misguided enough to not make her own arrangements - if DD did not lead her on in any way ( and it doesn't sound as though she has ). Obviously I feel kind of sorry for AG but sometimes that cold dash of water in the face is what people need for assuming other people are going to alter all their arrangements for them. 

I was thinking - if the seating arrangements for dinner are all set then wouldn't AG look a little foolish hanging around the table?  If she tried to worm her way in then DD and her friends ( and I agree with you that it should not fall on DD to be the one who has to do all the dirty work ) are well within their rights to tell her to find her own seat.  It would be awkard and uncomfortable if it comes to that....but that is AG's own fault - social ineptitude comes with a price. 

[GrammarNerd]

OP, I have to ask....what is your impression of AG's parents?  Do they seem clueless?  Do they realize that she doesn't have friends in her own grade that she hangs out with?  Do you think that they could be encouraging her to behave like she does, or perhaps has she just fed them the stories that she's assuming to be true (that she's BFFs with your DD) and they have no reason to doubt her? 

I have a kid who doesn't do a lot with kids outside of school, but I try to keep my eye on the situation.  I would be mortified if I found out that he'd been behaving like AG, and I'd try to find him a way to behave/make friends that doesn't involve foisting himself on unsuspecting people and clinging to them all evening.

[rashea]

Is there someone at school who could counsel AG to help her handle situations well? If the Homecoming Dance hadn't been such and issue I would advise being prepared and dealing with it at Prom. But it's pretty likely to be a problem. And if there is going to be hurt feelings, I'd rather they happen before Prom so that everyone can enjoy Prom as much as possible. I wonder if there is someone at school that could talk to her. Maybe a teacher or counselor who could talk to her about her plans for prom and get some ideas what she's planning to do and then guide her.

[redboothe]

I've been following this thread and to be honest I'm having a bit of a hard time with it - while I agree that people have the right to politely tell people when they are feeling suffocated a part of me also wants to say "Welcome to real life and being a grown up"

In essence, prom is a party hosted by a third party. You don't control the invitees and to create an exclusive grouping at the party (not the limo or the pre dinner or anything else which is self organized) seems a little off. I tried to imagine other situations, say a close friends wedding (once in a lifetime hopefully!) that I really want to enjoy however there is another guest there who I don't get along with who attaches themselves to me. In my mind the polite thing to do would be to spend some time with them and then to say "I'm sorry I'm going to catch-up with x now/I want to make sure I spend some time with y..." If they followed me into these conversations I would likely just say to myself "That's life" - it's not exactly what I want but life rarely is and since I can't control other people's behavior nor the invitees to a party hosted by a third party I might have to accept that the night might not go *exactly* as I wanted.

While I understand your DD wants to enjoy the night with her friends and I support her in using polite phrases to try and separate herself from AG at the dance I would probably not encourage her to confront this girl prior to the event - this would mean that she and her friends were making assumptions about what AG's behavior will be (even if they are backed with experience!) and might come off as being cliquey. Also I might remind her, lest she start think being nice is a bad quality, that this situation is less about "being too nice"  and more about "being mature" and acting with class and kindness.

I hope the night turns out as she hopes and that she ends up having a great time!

[joraemi]

Thank you for all the feedback. It's hard to respond to everyone since there are so many replies.

I will say though, that while I was sitting here reading through some of the responses I suddenly wished DD had been armed with, "What an interesting assumption." when AG said that AG, AG1, AG2, and DD would be spending the evening together!

Dang!

[Mrs. Tilney]

SO - for the moment, she has decided that when the opportuniy arises (as it should because everyone is talking about prom now), she is going to feign ignorance:

AG: I'm getting so excited about prom!

DD: Me too!  What group are you going with?

AG:....I thought I was going with you?

DD: Oh my gosh, AG. I'm so sorry. We've had our group set for quite awhile and have planned activities with our number in mind, we can't really change that now. When you said the other day that you were hanging out with me and AG1 and AG2 I thought you were joking! I'm so sorry or I would have said something right then.

Please, please tell DD not to say that. I would be crushed if someone with whom I was friendly told me that the possibility of me hanging out with them was surely a joke. DD has to walk a fine line, and that comment falls on the "cruel" side.