Asking for an item before it's served

[TurtleDove]

POD to Sharnita.  Presumably, the hostess wants to host, and enjoys and likes the people she is hosting.  I wouldn't think so poorly of people I enjoy and like to immediately think "how dare they ask for dessert" instead of "of course I'll get you dessert - I hope you like it - feel better soon!"

[TootsNYC]

I think it matters a lot that Reba just went straight to the "can we have dessert now?" request instead of saying, "I don't feel well, and we're going to have to leave early."

I think that made the hostess grumpy to start off with, and then the follow-up excuse didn't have the same effect it might have if it had been what she started off with.

Sort of, "you never get a 2nd chance to make a 1st impression" and "people will remember a negative longer than they'll remember the excuse."

[Lynn2000]

I think it matters a lot that Reba just went straight to the "can we have dessert now?" request instead of saying, "I don't feel well, and we're going to have to leave early."

I think that made the hostess grumpy to start off with, and then the follow-up excuse didn't have the same effect it might have if it had been what she started off with.

Sort of, "you never get a 2nd chance to make a 1st impression" and "people will remember a negative longer than they'll remember the excuse."

POD. And, maybe this is just me, but someone else mentioned they would see it differently if it was someone who always pestered them, vs. someone who was always pleasant and had never done anything odd before--I think that might be true for me IRL, too, but in this thread, the first time I "met" Reba, she was doing something kind of odd that instinctively grated on me, so I'm less inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt. I do think that sometimes this is an artificial function of threads here--witness the ones when someone is complaining about their SO and people are like, "Not worth the trouble, break up!" because we're only seeing the bad side of that person, and not all the great things they do.

[Paper Roses]

Funny, I was thinking about this situation again today.  I guess my feeling is that if this was someone who would bother me so much with such a request, I probably just wouldn't have them at my home.  If I care enough about someone to invite them to a gathering at my house, then doing something like what Reba asked wouldn't really bother me. 

I realize that may be qualified by the fact that Reba is attending with Bill, and therefore is invited because of her relationship with him rather than on her own, but then again, the request she made was on Bill's behalf, so maybe it evens out.

[TurtleDove]

Funny, I was thinking about this situation again today.  I guess my feeling is that if this was someone who would bother me so much with such a request, I probably just wouldn't have them at my home.  If I care enough about someone to invite them to a gathering at my house, then doing something like what Reba asked wouldn't really bother me. 

I realize that may be qualified by the fact that Reba is attending with Bill, and therefore is invited because of her relationship with him rather than on her own, but then again, the request she made was on Bill's behalf, so maybe it evens out.

This is exactly how I think about this (and all the threads about showers or weddings).  If I care about someone, this won't bother me. If I don't, this wouldn't happen because I wouldn't invite them.  I generally feel life is too short to spend time with people I do not like, and people I actually do like I would not begrudge a dessert.

[SoCalVal]

Funny, I was thinking about this situation again today.  I guess my feeling is that if this was someone who would bother me so much with such a request, I probably just wouldn't have them at my home.  If I care enough about someone to invite them to a gathering at my house, then doing something like what Reba asked wouldn't really bother me. 

I realize that may be qualified by the fact that Reba is attending with Bill, and therefore is invited because of her relationship with him rather than on her own, but then again, the request she made was on Bill's behalf, so maybe it evens out.

This is exactly how I think about this (and all the threads about showers or weddings).  If I care about someone, this won't bother me. If I don't, this wouldn't happen because I wouldn't invite them.  I generally feel life is too short to spend time with people I do not like, and people I actually do like I would not begrudge a dessert.

You both make an excellent point, and, considering it, I'd probably not really care if the someone asking were someone like my mom or someone else of whom I'm really fond.  Others, like someone I don't know or don't care for (like the yahoo who cut into one of my cakes ahead of time at my wedding reception and just met me about 1-2 hours earlier AT the reception) I opt to have nothing to do with in the future (she's still DH's friend -- I have no quarrel with that -- but I've told him that as a result of what she did, she proved that I could never trust her in our home because, what's next, hiding the TV remotes deep inside a bathroom cabinet or stuffing shrimp in a heat vent when we're not looking because she thinks it's just good fun?).

I know earlier on I said I'd consider it rude, but I guess it really depends upon the situation and the individuals involved (although I still think Reba was rude in this case and should've let the hostess have the opportunity to offer, rather than be put on the spot like that).

[Poppea]

When I serve a buffet dinner, I would set up the dinner items on my dining room table.  I try to make everything look nice.  The plates are stacked her, the various platters arranged just so.

Then the dessert buffet is in my sunroom, again arranged in a preplanned way.  I would be really disappointed if someone wanted be take a dessert "to go" from my dinner party.  I'm not a restaurant.  I certainly would not appreciate cutting into a cake before my guests had an opportunity to go "ooh" and "ah"   A brownie or cookie oud bother me less, but it seems pretty entitled.  (I like baking). 

If Reba was sick and needed to go home, then she was sick.  But how sick can you really be if you can ask for a dessert in a doggy bag?  If I was leaving an event early because I wasn't feeling well, I would never

[sammycat]

When I serve a buffet dinner, I would set up the dinner items on my dining room table.  I try to make everything look nice.  The plates are stacked her, the various platters arranged just so.

Then the dessert buffet is in my sunroom, again arranged in a preplanned way.  I would be really disappointed if someone wanted be take a dessert "to go" from my dinner party.  I'm not a restaurant.  I certainly would not appreciate cutting into a cake before my guests had an opportunity to go "ooh" and "ah"   A brownie or cookie oud bother me less, but it seems pretty entitled.  (I like baking). 

If Reba was sick and needed to go home, then she was sick.  But how sick can you really be if you can ask for a dessert in a doggy bag?  If I was leaving an event early because I wasn't feeling well, I would never

I agree totally. 

Anyone asking me to cut into a cake or other dessert such as pavlova or trifle ahead of time would be met with 'no'. Leaving early from an event has its consequences, and in this type of situation, I'm not going to (A) rush around getting someone food 'to go', and (B) ruin the look of my cake/whatever for one person.

[sammycat]

(like the yahoo who cut into one of my cakes ahead of time at my wedding reception and just met me about 1-2 hours earlier AT the reception) I opt to have nothing to do with in the future

 

I'm glad you opted to have nothing to do with her later; I'd have been the same.

[Sharnita]

When I serve a buffet dinner, I would set up the dinner items on my dining room table.  I try to make everything look nice.  The plates are stacked her, the various platters arranged just so.

Then the dessert buffet is in my sunroom, again arranged in a preplanned way.  I would be really disappointed if someone wanted be take a dessert "to go" from my dinner party.  I'm not a restaurant.  I certainly would not appreciate cutting into a cake before my guests had an opportunity to go "ooh" and "ah"   A brownie or cookie oud bother me less, but it seems pretty entitled.  (I like baking). 

If Reba was sick and needed to go home, then she was sick.  But how sick can you really be if you can ask for a dessert in a doggy bag?  If I was leaving an event early because I wasn't feeling well, I would never

What you describe doesn't sound like a caual buffet to me.  Buffet or not it actually sounds like it has a different mood than  seems to be described in the OP.

[Poppea]

When I serve a buffet dinner, I would set up the dinner items on my dining room table.  I try to make everything look nice.  The plates are stacked her, the various platters arranged just so.

Then the dessert buffet is in my sunroom, again arranged in a preplanned way.  I would be really disappointed if someone wanted be take a dessert "to go" from my dinner party.  I'm not a restaurant.  I certainly would not appreciate cutting into a cake before my guests had an opportunity to go "ooh" and "ah"   A brownie or cookie oud bother me less, but it seems pretty entitled.  (I like baking). 

If Reba was sick and needed to go home, then she was sick.  But how sick can you really be if you can ask for a dessert in a doggy bag?  If I was leaving an event early because I wasn't feeling well, I would never

What you describe doesn't sound like a caual buffet to me.  Buffet or not it actually sounds like it has a different mood than  seems to be described in the OP.

THe OP described it this way:

"Again, buffet-style - it had been set up in the dining room, and everyone filled their plates and gathered in different areas to eat, so it definitely wasn't a formal, sit-down dinner."

If I was grilling hot dogs it would still  feel rude to me. 

ETA - it feels like an entitlement.  Like they are owed a dessert. 

[WillyNilly]

At Easter my aunt-in-law hosted about 12 of us. She and her husband by far have the biggest home. Her kitchen counters had the drinks, ice bucket, cups/glasses and corkscrew, and 2 desserts (one in a box, one a cookie platter in a big cellophane poof on top of the box), 2 more desserts were in the fridge. The sideboard in the dining area had the snack/hos d'vourves (crudite & dip, hummus, pretzels, jellybeans, cheese crisps, etc) and the dining room table was pushed against a wall and was where dinner was served buffet style. Between the plates, cutlery, napkins, roast, salad, potatoes, cooked veggie and ham the table had no extra room.

There was no convenient place to pre-serve dessert had someone asked for it.

And while it was certainly a casual party, when the dining room table was switched over to dessert, it was still an "oooh and ahh" situation because - hey that platter of cookies was beautiful as well as tasty looking, and the box opened to reveal a truffle cake, and out of the fridge came a home made rabbit-shaped cake (which we all wondered about the flavor of and then felt silly - of course it was carrot cake ).

[Paper Roses]

If Reba was sick and needed to go home, then she was sick.  But how sick can you really be if you can ask for a dessert in a doggy bag?  If I was leaving an event early because I wasn't feeling well, I would never

She didn't ask for it in a doggy bag, and she didn't ask for it for herself.  She asked if Bill could have it, and he would eat it before they left (meaning within the next few minutes).

And being sick enough to leave early doesn't necessarily mean on one's deathbed.  I've had colds, or been recovering from surgery, or other ailments that may cause a "run down" feeling for weeks that while I don't really feel so sick I can't interact with anyone, I know I just don't have the stamina I usually do. 

[Poppea]

If Reba was sick and needed to go home, then she was sick.  But how sick can you really be if you can ask for a dessert in a doggy bag?  If I was leaving an event early because I wasn't feeling well, I would never

She didn't ask for it in a doggy bag, and she didn't ask for it for herself.  She asked if Bill could have it, and he would eat it before they left (meaning within the next few minutes).

And being sick enough to leave early doesn't necessarily mean on one's deathbed.  I've had colds, or been recovering from surgery, or other ailments that may cause a "run down" feeling for weeks that while I don't really feel so sick I can't interact with anyone, I know I just don't have the stamina I usually do.

Thats worse then.  Nothing says "hurry up you're eating too slow" to the other guests than someone else eating dessert when you've just started dinner.

Asking to have dessert when dinner has just been announced is rude.  Bill must have wolfed his dinner down (which is okay if he needed to leave), but no one really needs dessert.   I'm sure there was plenty of food out already.  It wasn't an issue of hunger.  It was entitlement.  It made the hostess leave her guests, go into the kitchen & serve something ahead of time.  Its not polite to treat your hostess like a waitress.  And thats what they were doing.

[Mopsy428]

To me this is such a non-issue, especially at a casual buffet gathering. 

Regarding Thipu1's story, I also don't really understand that either.  I think the women was likely a bit rude in her delivery, given the way Thipu1 told the story, but I can't understand why Thipu1 was miffed to begin with.  Had the woman not brought the tray, there would have been no cookies or statue at all.  I also think it is not bizarre for guests at an all day open house to expect everything to be out at once.

Short answer: I don't see the big deal at all.

The woman in Thipu1's story was rude because you don't give someone a gift and then ask for part of it back so you can give to your son. The woman should have either told her son, "Sorry, Johnny, you may not have the statue. It's a gift for Thipu1" or she shouldn't have given the gift at all.